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happily married, but have a crush on this girl

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jenn123, Jun 7, 2013.

  1. Jenn123

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    Hi everyone! I am new here and I just wanted to share my story and get some advice. I have been married for a year and I've just been really confused and upset the past few days. All through my life I mostly considered myself straight,(strict religious upbringing) and now all of a sudden I have a crush on this amazing girl. She is a friend of my husband and she is into girls. I haven't met her in person yet but I am friends with her on Facebook. She lives in a different state. We both share the same interests and world views. I have yet to meet a girl like her; she is so unique and cool. She is tough, yet feminine. She is very funny and smart too, and did I mention she is awfully cute? I just think about her all day, even though I love my husband with all my heart and would never leave him. I am just so fascinated by this girl. A part of this could be that due to my family moving a lot, I don't have any best friends. I haven't had a female best friend in about 15 years! But with her, why is it different? How is my sexuality suddenly changing? I find myself extremely attracted to this girl. I think about kissing her a lot and cuddling with her, and sharing all our secrets. But it's not possible. We're going to be in that State soon so I'll get to meet her. I am really nervous and happy at the same time. My husband knows about my fascination and he has been such a help! He says it's normal and will pass... he is a great guy. I have never really liked a girl like this before, although I have thought about being with one. I am just very confused. Should I avoid meeting her? Because this could further fuel my fascination since I know we'll never be anything more then friends...
     
  2. Jenn123

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    and I am 21. Just wanted to add it on here.
     
  3. Zoe

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    Hi Jenn--

    It may not be that your sexuality is changing, as you say. There are many of us who are married and believed that we were straight. Then something happens to make us question it. Someone else on the forum (can't remember who) called it a "crisis," something that forces you to face some truth about yourself. Most often, it's falling for a person of the same sex.

    This is not to say you're gay or anything else. Simply that many of us have buried our sexuality somewhere deep inside of us until something brings it to the surface. That may or may not be what you're experiencing.

    It could simply be, like you said, a "best friend" crush. But it sounds like you're fantasies are more detailed and leaning toward to physical/sexual relationship with her. It might be worth exploring these feelings a little more. Not necessarily acting on them, but thinking about what might be causing them. Be as honest with yourself as you can be. If it becomes a real inner conflict for you, I'd suggest finding someone you trust to talk to, perhaps a therapist--mine has been a terrific help. If it doesn't worry you, then there's no problem.

    I don't have a lot of experiencing with questioning my sexuality. Although I'm just coming out now--both to myself and others--I've really known my whole life. There's no question that I'm not attracted to men, no matter how hard I tried (I've been married twice).

    I hope others who have had similar questioning experiences will chime in and be able to help.

    --Zoe
     
  4. wrhla

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    You are infatuated with an image. That's not unusual, but it's not a lot to go on either.
     
  5. Jenn123

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    Hi Zoe!
    thank you for your kind response :slight_smile: You say "many of us have buried our sexuality somewhere deep inside of us until something brings it to the surface." It feels as if you pretty much summed up my feelings in one sentence. I really do feel that way, I wish I had the opportunity to date the same sex in the past. It was pretty much like a forbidden thing in my family. Its something I really miss in my life. And my crush is definitely not just a "best friend crush" I feel I could be very intimate with this girl. I don't think of her as someone who is the same sex as me, but just someone I find very, very attractive. I feel butterflies in my stomach when I think about her. I do love my husband though. Should I confess my feelings to her just to get it off my chest? I am very sensitive to rejection though, I want her to feel the same way about me :frowning2: that would be enough for me even though we cant be together

    ---------- Post added 8th Jun 2013 at 07:29 AM ----------

    You might be right but its much more than image, I know a lot about her since she was/is a friend of my husband. But yes, I still have to meet her in person.
     
  6. musinglizzy

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    I hear you. I'm married too (13 years), and really, I feel this horrible desire to touch and be close to this friend of mine. I am insanely attracted to her. She's straight, and married herself, but we are together often, and see each other daily. I'm always hugging her and kissing her cheek. At times I wish I could read her mind...to see how she "takes" this...she hugs me back, she'll kiss my cheek back, so I don't think she's turned off by it. But I have noticed she's not initiating as much as she did...so I'm afraid I'm coming on too strong. I've actually told myself that I love her, but feel like I'm IN love with her...I desire nothing more than to have her in my arms....

    Since I'm in the same boat as you...I'll tell you I would never confess my feelings to my friend, because I don't want to ruin our friendship, and I don't know how she'd take it. But since your friend is into girls, and you know that for a fact, heck, I'd tell her! I really find my situation to be a very lonely one, it depresses me. I feel this very strong connection to her....so much that it hurts. We've had movie nights here, and I'll lay against her, or my head in her lap...but I have stopped that because I just had the feeling she wasn't overly comfortable with it. I think if she was, she'd have put her hand on my shoulder or head or something...and she doesn't touch me at all. I sure wish my friend showed me the slightest possibility of being interested in girls, too. If I knew the openness and interest was there, I'd tell her. But because I believe her to be 100% straight, I will not. But it's a very lonely world....
     
  7. Zoe

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    Hello Again, Jenn,

    I'm so glad you found my words helpful. From what you say, not only about the experience you're having now and your past feelings, it seems you do have some lesbian feelings in you.

    I'm not surprised to hear that you had a very strict religious upbringing. Many homosexuals who grow up in such a culture don't feel comfortable with their sexuality (some are told outright that homosexuality is a sin), and to avoid conflict, both within themselves and within the family, they hide from themselves. It's not uncommon for people on this forum to comment on the effect of living in a conservative religious community had on their feelings about their sexuality. It sounds like you may be experiencing those latent feelings rising to the surface.

    Of course you love your husband. No matter what your sexuality, you have a relationship with him. You could decide (and who knows yet) that you're only into women. That doesn't mean you don't love your husband. I'll admit it gets complicated at that point, but it's not for lack of love. If it were, it wouldn't be such a tough situation.

    As far as telling her, it may become clear to you when you see here. As Lizzy mentioned above, you can tell a great deal from someone's body language and how they physically react to you. It may become clear that's she's into you, too. Feel it out.

    Be prepared, however, to face whatever might come out of it. I'm a huge proponent of finding out who you really are. So I think it's great that you're experiencing what might be a long hidden part of yourself.

    But admitting your feelings and getting involved (potentially) with a friend of your husbands will have ramifications on your marriage.

    Please don't mis-hear me. I'm not saying pretend you don't have these feelings and just continue to "play straight" to save your marriage. No, not at all. Just a week ago, I came out to muy husband. I simply couldn't not be myself anymore. So I'm certainly not recommending you continue to be someone you think you might not be.

    I'm only saying that because you're married, you may want to think about the ramifications of any actions (not feelings) that you might take with this woman, that's all.

    Does that make sense?

    --Zoe
     
  8. Hey Jenn! Just wanted to ask a quick question - you say that you are happily married but you have a crush on girl, so that will imply that you would want to stick with what makes you happy? I'm not trying to burst your bubble, just looking for a but more information. I think that if you are happy in your relationship and are still attracted to your husband then it is worth it to work on your marriage a bit more or look a little deeper to see if something is missing. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I'm not trying to be an ass, just speaking from a bit from experience.
     
    #8 browneyedgirl, Jun 9, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2013
  9. I celebrated my 5 year wedding anniversary 2 days ago. Religious upbringing. A mom that made sure we didn't do things that would make us gay.

    There is a whole story, but I don't want to jack your post.

    Basically, I am a lesbian. I never explored my sexuality because it never occurred to me that there was anything to explore.

    I am happy to see you can talk to your husband about this. Keep talking to him and make some friends here. You'll figure it out. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Firegirl39

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    Hi I'm married to a wonderful man which I'm in love w/ deeply! Anyways i have a crush on this women , here's the catch she's married also and feels the same about me, is this bad her and I don't know why we feel this!!
     
  11. marie77

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    Hey Firegirl39, welcome! I would start your own thread to ask your question, that way more people will see it. :smilewave