Yet another venting thread... As the title says, I've reached the point of realizing for practical purposes now have zero friends. On paper, this isn't technically the case, but I realized that mentally I've been letting go of the various relationships in my life. Some are doomed because life circumstances are going set our paths in different directions very soon. At least one seems likely doomed because that friend is a conservative Christian, and won't take the news that BMC77 is gay too well. That leaves me with exactly one local, and very casual friend. I still have regular Facebook contact with one older friend, but I can't say the relationship is particularly close at the moment. (It may be a miracle it still exists...that friend must find me incredibly boring. We are talking someone who has done more exotic things in some active years than most of us do in a lifetime.) And, of course, my 3 month effort to build up my social network in anticipation of this day has totally failed. Not that I expected particularly great friends. Just someone in my life whom I can see and have a conversation that runs past most of the ones I have, which begin with the other person asking me if I want a paper bag, or plastic? But, realistically, I simply lack the in-person social skills needed, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. And, of course, all this happens during the worst period of depression I've probably had since I was 19. Note the "Depressed" label under my user name, which has been there most of the last month-plus. I suppose I'll survive. I survived with zero friends for more years than I wish to count. Like most of high school comes to mind.
Dear BMC77, I hope that you know that you have friends, among us, who've actually enjoyed what you've had to say to us over the past few months. Loneliness is a paradox. When you're hungry, you eat; when you're tired, you sleep. When you're lonely, the only cure is to get out there, but the loneliness can make it difficult for people to relate... In-person social skills are not a mystery, they can actually be learned... If you can get help great, but if you can't right away, then keep us posted, keep venting, you have made friends here, however tenuous this seems, these are real friends who can give you what you need, for this time and moment in your life. Keep us posted.
If it's social skills you're lacking, those are something you can usually work on. Sometimes you can do it on your own, or you might need help with those. Either way, if you're willing to take the plunge, you can start working on reaching out some more. Lex
Hi BMC77, Just wanted to let you know that I understand exactly what you're going through. I'm trying to connect with one or two friends but most of my friends are through our couple socialization. It has been really hard and the depression for me has been severe. Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you as I don't for myself, but you're not alone. I'm also trying to build a network. It's hard. I still don't have one gay friend, other thorn people I've spoken to on EC.
The definition of "friend" is ever-changing these days - and I find sorely lacking. I think bottom line what we're looking for is a sense of connection and belonging - where you can be yourself without pretense and find yourself valued just for simply being who you are. Sometimes it can be right under our noses, but we don't see it. I hear a few folks here saying, "I see you and value you." That's the start of something. Now fan that little ember. Burn, baby, burn!
I have it on good authority the people on EC are real. Ipso facto...a friend is a friend. Some people I connect with naturally and there are a number of you on EC.
I feel like I don't have a lot of friends, either. In reality, most people have very few REAL friends? If you have 3, 4, or 5 REAL friends, consider yourself lucky in life. I'm sure that, if you scratch through your list, you have people who think highly of you and care about your well-being.
I know that virtual friends are not the same as someone you can sit down with, and we can't give you a hug when you need it, but there are people who care about you and want you to get through this and come out the other side. Starting over is tough. I haven't been in your situation, but I came back to New Zealand 3 years ago at the end of a long relationship. While this was a traditional 'dumping' rather than part of coming out it was still very traumatic at the time ( would you believe he traded me in on a younger model six weeks before the planned date for our civil union) . I had been away for about 5 years and in that time had drifted away from a lot of old friends ( and also, quite a few friends were 'couple friends' and I really needed to move on from them as part of moving on from the relationship) so in many ways it was like starting over. I hadn't expected to be crying myself to sleep every night at the age of 46, and there were times when, if not exactly suicidal, I would have been quite happy at the thought of dying quietly in my sleep just so I didn't have to deal with the pain. However, I was lucky enough to make one or two new friends, who slowly introduced me to their friends... some of whom became my friends too, and after three years I now have a really great and supportive group of friends. My world has changed back to colour after a period where everything was grey and I can honestly say that I am now happier than at any time in years. I had pretty much lost hope for a while there, but it came right in the end for me. I really hope that things work out for you and you come out the other side of this pain with renewed confidence and great friends ( both online and 'real world' ones).
I'd like to be your friend. So, maybe I'm not local. I've made some very dear friends on the internet.
Hey BMC77 Please add me to your friend list. I too, want to be here for you and others as we all go through the sometimes rough seas. I know I would not have come this far as I have had in these last few months had it not been for the input and comments and inspiration I have received and read from you and other EC members I think of as friends. Big Hug
You are not alone with this. I feel that I have very few friends and no gay male friends in real life. I thought it was men but I read a piece in the NYT this week about how hard it is to make friends over the age of 30. Didn't make it easier but nice to know its not just me. All that said - it's one of things I love about EC - I can talk with friends just like me!
I may not be able to see you, but you are my friend, I may not be able to hear you but you are my friend, a person may be blind & deaf but they still have friends, a friend is someone that cares what happens to you & including myself, we all care what happens to you on here & if I could shake your hand now, I would say to you "here is my hand, here is my heart" (*hug*)
(*hug*) Hi BMC77 Thought we were friends?!! (*hug*) You need to dance: (!)(!)(!)(!)(!) (&&&) EC family hug!
First, I'm sorry for how long it's taken me to respond... I spent this weekend in emotional meltdown. Things were so bleak that for a brief moment I even toyed with the idea of quitting this exciting little journey I'm on, and go back to the 100% closeted, with the door nailed shut, approach. Anything to try to hold onto friendships that have a good chance of being doomed. (I know, of course, that this would be a really bad idea. But there was that moment of temptation. Maybe it's a bargaining phase in the five stages of loss. Thanks for all your comments above. They mean a great deal to me. One thing that impresses me with this community again and again is how much the members here care about other members.
I think I can speak for all of us here in saying that you had us worried! Please, please keep us posted. We care a lot about you and we want to help make things better for you as much as we can. Take care!
I probably should take a look at the self help section to see if there are any books like Make Yourself Socially Acceptable in Two Weeks. Although I'm not sure how many skills I could actually learn. I am convinced that I have Asperger's, and that seems to particularly manifest with lousy interpersonal skills. To a degree, the problem can be worked around...but I am finding that takes a huge amount of energy. It's actually easier for me to hide in the closet--as hard as that is. Also...thanks to some bad relationships with "friends" and even family, I have built a huge emotional wall around myself. Neither issue makes making friends impossible...but it sure makes it harder. ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2013 at 04:53 PM ---------- Thanks. And sorry for any worry I caused!
I totally understand how you feel about losing all your friends. It pretty much happened to me when I came out, as I came from a completely fundamentalist Christian background and all my friends were about two steps from being eligible for membership at Westboro Baptist. I also realized rather quickly that I did not fit in with the one local support group we had. So I pretty much had no one for a long time and because of my sheltered life I did not fit in at all with the bar scene and about every other way you can meet LGBT people. It was a real culture shock. Fortunately I did meet a couple of really cool people, started doing some volunteer work when I could and my friendless life blossomed into something better than I could have ever imagined. So hang in there. It does get easier. Web forums are wonderful. I have been on many different forums for over 10 years and have met a lot of cool people through them in person. And yeah there is nothing like having "meat-friends", as great as forums can be. You will find them.
I can relate to your problems finding friends you can trust or even just hang out with. I also had my share of people who I thought were like friends, but who unfortunately disappointed me beyond my worst nightmares. However, I was able to find people I can trust and talk to and whether they are "true" friends will always remain to be seen as things can happen and relationships change. But they were certainly not obvious choices at first. I found that being open and clear is still the best way to go as far as finding people who you can bond with. Being in Canada all too often people are taken aback if they are approached in a direct way, but over time true friends learn to appreciate that level of honesty. It may cost you some people who you thought were with you, but even if only one person will stay loyal to you, that is more gain than pain, in my view. I will offer you my virtual friendship as I cannot meet with you in person, but I hope that together with the others who offered their friendship this will give you some sense of being part of this wonderful community. These are some great people here who can relate to your problems and who have much to offer (and I can say this already after two days membership :icon_wink). Hang in there, and if you do, I will too (*hug*)
