Gratitude

After having spent a couple weeks around these parts of the internet-universe, I want to thank the folks who post around here. I know in these sorts of forums there are many who sit on the sidelines and read only. Nothing wrong with that. In the beginning, I'm one of those folks - just getting the lay of the land. But I want to thank you guys who step up with your words - your confusion, along with your courage; your denial, along with your challenging of it; your hiding, along with your revealing. All of these things that you stand out in the public square and share openly -- all of it helps me to see myself with a tad more clarity and acceptance. I've already been asking the questions. Been asking myself questions since my young discovery of sexuality. I've pieced together my answers over time - answers that have worked for me. A story line that goes from childhood molestation/abuse, through catholicism, into adolescent innocence of "friends with benefits" long before such a term existed - with both male and female, on to marriage w/a woman, and five yrs in - a fling with a guy that threw a curve ball of questioning myself and answers for that time, then children, followed years later by the empty nest - and spit out the other side of adulthood with life-threatening illness - where fairly late in the game I find myself and everything about my life fair game for examining.

In recent years, EVERYTHING has been under the spotlight and questioned. By circumstance, I was forced to do housecleaning and eliminate all that isn't helpful or life-promoting. I simply don't have extra to give to any bullshit. My deck has been cleared, more or less, and I keep tight boundaries of what I will let in and give any of my attention to. Anyway..... hearing you all, hearing much pain and struggle, hearing folks face themselves head on - I applaud you, and witnessing all of it helps me in adding a few more notches in my belt of "Acceptance" - something most of us can usually use more of - toward both others and ourselves.

Those are a couple of powerful attributes: Gratitude and Acceptance. I wanted to highlight those - and thank y'all for promoting those here by being examples of that.

I guess in a nutshell, you bring me closer to my own messy, out-of-control, outside any limited box - humanity. And I thank you, especially for helping me in my ongoing quest for more acceptance, courage, and gratitude.

May you all see the courage you already are, the budding acceptance we encourage in one another - and keep the fire of gratitude going. Ya know, even if today really sucks - you're still here today - with a chance of making it so it sucks a little less. Trust me, I know what it feels like to question if you'll make it through the night alive and see the sun rise one more time. I'll take the sun rising on a shitty, miserable day - and a chance to make it better over not waking up and this crazy world being finished.

Life is good -- but we have to be able to look past a lot of crap to see the good of it sometimes. One thing I've learned through illness and recovery: we get no free passes. Life will be messy. It will be painful. Heh. Without pain and mess would we even recognize the place?! So yeah, if I'm being grateful for this life today - it even includes the messy parts -- sometimes especially the messy parts. There's gold under that dirt. Ya just have to keep digging.

 

Never a truer sentiment, my friend

 

greatwhale, re: "despite it all, we should be grateful that it is easier than ever (though much remains to be done) to be who we are, and to be accepted for what we are." Gratitude can carry us far through any ordeal or challenge. It's part of my medicine - along with the "acceptance" you speak -- only my acceptance isn't about being accepted by others - it's the bigger one: Accepting myself, accepting my station, accepting I have to wield a machete to hack through the undergrowth of weedy crap - that it's nobody elses acceptance that will move me forward as much as my own. Acceptance - such a seemingly easy thing, yet one of the hardest. It means letting go of our knee jerk need for control and opening ourselves to the uncontrollable. funny thing is, that's where a lot of the juiciness in living resides.

Again, want to thank folks here for the past coupla weeks giving me a spot to look at some of my own stuff, and become even clearer about who I am and what I still have to offer. It ain't about the sex or the orientation. It's about the well-lived life: my singular goal. MY well-lived life. Y'all provide some walls for me to bounce off of - I hope I've offered some of the same: perspective on asking "What does my Well-lived life look like?"

Go make it so while you still can. The clock is ticking loudly! Don't be afraid of being afraid.

GW - and all the rest: may your machete blade be sharp and cut yourself a wise and good path for you and your loved ones. You're a lucky man. You may not be feeling that - but y'are. The pain is in direct proportion to the love and care you feel for them. That will guide your blade.