Coming out but married; what to do?

Hi fellow EC'ers,
I only joined two days ago and enjoyed reading some of the discussions on a variety of topics. One of the things that struck me is the somewhat negative comments on married gay guys who are perhaps considered to be only interested in short term pleasures. Being a married possibly gay man who just came out to his wife and some friends I must say I don't recognize myself in that stereotype if you like, but I do see where it is coming from (yes, I heard about the parking lot stories etc.). I am serious about exploring my sexuality but I don't know how to do that without running into that issue of being that "married guy". If I would approach someone I like and be honest about still being married, I'm sure it will become a major obstacle. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that. I would probably also have second thoughts in that situation. Friends also told me I should not "use" a (gay) relationship as the trigger to get out of my current marriage. That is not fair to my new relationship or my wife. However, getting a divorce, live on my own is also a scary thought especially at my age (53). I would be very interested hearing from others who have gone similar experiences how they dealt with this issue. Is is fair to explore, go out there and engage in a potential relationship before I leave my wife, but with the serious intention to pursue that new relationship (so, not just looking for a fling). Am I too selfish, too much looking for a safety net? (perhaps that is a indeed a rhetorical question)

Please, let me know what you think? Just so you know, I'm not religious, so those arguments do not work for me.:icon_wink

Thanks (*hug*)

 

Hi Lex,

She thinks I should explore my sexuality, and is supportive of my current situation. Of course, whether that will remain if I would engage in a relationship, I can't really say. Does that make sense?

 

hey Lex,

re: "She thinks I should explore my sexuality, and is supportive of my current situation."

Are the two of you in agreement about what "explore my sexuality" means? And "supportive"?

There are hundreds of ways to be "married". Or not. If I were either of you I'd just want to know I'm going forward with both eyes open - with ALL parties informed and on the same page. Seems only fair. Open communication makes for a level playing field and nobody getting blind-sided. And yes, I'd agree w/your friends that using a relationship to trigger an ending of the marriage would be a guaranteed mess. That scenario never goes well. And btw, I've been advised the same.

There's lots I'm considering also right now - with a wife who has a lot of unresolved anger that I'm a too handy punching bag for - to the point I question her mental health. Part of me loves the fantasy of being swept outta this mess. But it's my mess - shared with my wife - and if it needs to end I want to end it straightforward - not by default. Lots to consider. I seek a lot of help with the consideration. Been in therapy for five years with a man who happens to be gay. His main street cred for me though, is his experience caring for his partner who died of melanoma. He knows this cancer shit and the toll it takes on a relationship from the inside. The fact he happens to be gay means he also is someone I can talk openly about my sexuality, desire, challenges - the whole thing. He's my best ally - along with one good friend who encourages me, has faith in me, reminds me of my courage and advises me to question, but to not make any rash moves. That is, unless you want the drama -- as some folks do. Honest, vulnerable conversation - though uncomfortable, will lead you forward eventually. But while it's working out -- it's messy. Take my word -- fuckin' messy! But alive and real. The only kind of relationship I'm interested in.

Also, this Monday I'm taking a big step and meeting with my local Center for Independent Living - an advocacy agency for folks with disabilities. Maybe they can help me figure out how to live on a pittance of Social Security Disability as an independent man. Yep, scary shit at our age - especially with limited funds and ability to work. You're not alone, man. Good luck with yours.

 

Thank you all for your insights. I truly appreciate your reactions and sharing your own experiences. Let me get a few things straight in response to some questions. No, I haven't been in any sexual relationship with a man (up to this point) and although I have a major crush on someone who is a trusted friend, he does not reciprocate and I don't think this will ever be the case. So, at this point, I'm not doing an active exploration but I know that the possibility may arise. Re my wife's view on this, I think she will be supportive and remain so as long as I'm honest. That is, if I do find a men who pushes all the right buttons (and for me that is first and foremost an emotional connection as much as a sexual one), I will let my wife know for sure. I don't like to do things behind her back and I'm a bad liar to begin with :icon_wink. I also can relate to the observations for the spouse having a very different view on the marriage than oneself has (sorry for the bad grammar). My wife still finds it hard to believe I'm potentially gay (I come to that in a moment) and thinks it is a phase that will pass. She thinks our marriage is strong, but I don't think that. I also had plans to separate before the "coming out" issue came up. So, eventually and hopefully soon I can convince her to start accepting the option of a divorce and at that point (when reality kicks in) things may turn more ugly, I realize that.
OK, on the question of my "questioning", the main reason I don't know how I tick (so to speak) is that I have never been in a relationship with a man. I have certainly fantasies about being with a man (well, the kind of men like my pretty avatar :icon_wink) and the guy I am totally in love with, but I'm not 100% sure if my view on that is too romantic (that is one side of me) and when it really would happen it might not be what I was looking for. I know, this is a probably a common anxiety for those of you who are stepping into this world for the first time as well, but I assume many of you are much younger (but as I learned from this wonderful community, not exclusively :icon_bigg).

I also have to admit I've been through this whole experience before. I broke up many years ago (when I was really young) with my girlfriend at the time because I had fallen in love with a beautiful young man (straight of course) and I lived on my own for 2 years. It was hell and I was very close to killing myself at the time. So, my fear of leaving my marriage and face the world alone with no partner is not just scary, it might be in some way risky. I know from the comments I read that several of you are going through these motions as well, and I feel your pain, even if some of you may have much harder choices to face so I'm probably still in a lucky position (with a good job etc.).

Thanks again for all your good advice. I find much comfort and strength in sharing these stories with you and reading about your experiences to know I am indeed not alone in this (*hug*).

 

We are in very similar situations. My husband is supportive and has suggested that I experiment with women. I told him that I couldn't just go mess around with just anyone. That has never been my style.

I got on a free dating site for a while, but suspended the account. I realized that I am not ready to consider finding a girlfriend. I will be at some point, but not now. I messaged a few girls and was up front right away with my situation. All but one was understanding.

I don't think there is anything wrong with testing the waters, as long as you are completely open with your spouse. I agree that you need to make sure that yall are talking about the same things and make sure that you know what she is okay with. I would also make sure you are ready.

 

Thank you Jim, Hawaiianflower, Arturoenrico and Ormanout for your support and advice. It is nice to know there are people out there who can relate to these issues and give me perspective. I realize that trying to get into a relationship while sitting on the fence is not ideal or even fair to either my wife or the person who would be attracted to me. I'm not too "worried" this will happen any time soon as others (gay friends) also told me that without having more confidence and a better image of myself (love yourself), I cannot expect others to be interested in me :icon_sad:. Add to this my age and the fact that I'm officially diagnosed with Anorexia, and you get the picture (not a pretty one for sure). :eek: Getting a divorce, be on my own and wait a year before getting serious about a relationship to get things in order seems a good path to go, and I do have such intentions (well, waiting a year may be a bit long :icon_wink. I do have professional support and I hope that this will help me to overcome some of my anxiety in living on my own (as I mentioned, the last time I tried this, I kind of failed miserably). I also hope to overcome my anorexia and start building my body back to a more acceptable and healthy status so I will feel more confident to go out there and present myself as a stronger (physically and mentally) person (!). When (even if) I will manage to separate (the first important step) from my wife is still a question mark. She is as I mentioned supportive but I know she is also very stressed about it (her world is collapsing and I have to respect that) and wants me to stay as long as I'm not 100% clear about where I belong. I agree that based on my history and feelings, I'm pretty sure I'm gay or at least bi-sexual so I don't want to run from that anymore or hide myself away in utter frustration. Sorry for this rant of self-pity. I've read stories where people are in a much more difficult situation so I have no right to complain. Sometimes it just feels good to vent a bit ;-). Thanks again for all your helpful words (*hug*). They truly make me think about where I want to go and ultimately, how to achieve happiness for me and those I love (now and in the future). There may not be a prince charming for me, but one day I hope there is someone who feels as strong about me as I do about him. That seems not too much to ask for, is it?:icon_bigg

 

Thank you PeteNJ for your comments. I am unfortunately a bit of a procrastinator and someone who likes to take the road of the least resistance ;-) But, I think you are right. Better to be clear sooner than later and at this point I am trying to get my wife slowly to accept the notion that I may have to leave her (but also hopefully convince her we can stay friends and I'll be there for her and my children).

I will definitely read up on your posts and I'm very happy for you that you had a great year (despite no doubt all the pain and troubles you had to go through)! That gives me hope for my future :icon_bigg

---------- Post added 13th Jun 2013 at 06:12 PM ----------

Thank you, Jeff. I agree that indeed exploring my sexuality does not mean it has to lead to a relationship, but to be honest, the thought of just sex without an emotional connection is not appealing to me. I might rather go the other way around, that is, for a strong emotional connection and see if that can lead to something more physical over time. For that, I need to become stronger, more independent and not tied into another relationship, I realize that as few men indeed (or women for that matter) would be interested in sharing that bond with another person.

It will be a long and difficult road as many of you have already indicated and experienced. Sigh.

---------- Post added 13th Jun 2013 at 06:19 PM ----------

Hi Tomthumb2,
Thanks for your reaction and I'm sorry to hear your wife would turn the knives (literally and figuratively, I guess) on you. I won't say that my wife is comfortable with the situation but she tries to understand and she is (as I mentioned) still convinced I'm not gay. If I at some point would (have to) leave her, I'm not sure if my balls would be more secure than yours (she was once trained in self-defence, which often includes a ball-crushing kick ;-). I hope the situation will change such that you would feel more comfortable coming out to your wife and not finding relief in fleeting relationships (which does not seem to be something you really enjoy either given your guilt feelings).

Good luck and hang in there!

---------- Post added 13th Jun 2013 at 06:31 PM ----------

Thank you Tightrope for your reply. It is clear to me from the responses I'm getting that people have somewhat different views on this. I certainly do not envision to go out there and try to hook up with anyone just to get me out of my marriage (see my previous posts on this) because the emotional connection is really important to me and I want to play this fair and square for my wife. But, you're right of course, having a wife who at this point supports me, makes it a bit easier for me to at least explore a bit my feelings for other guys. As I mentioned in my first post, I have very strong feelings for one particular person at the moment, but he is straight but does not mind it that I flirt with him (to some extent, no real physical contact!). It is little but it gives me room to explore this side of me that I have never dared to expose to anyone. Saying "I love you" to another guy was the strangest thing that ever came out of my mouth when I said it the first time :icon_redf Being with him learned me to become more comfortable about my feelings and how to express them and for that I'm very grateful to him. Good friends are hard to find and even if it won't lead to more (as I hope(d)), it is valuable for building my confidence. Perhaps odd, but whatever works, right?

 

Just a quick update for those who are interested in my story. My wife has now accepted the inevitable it seems and changed from being supportive to being resentful and angry accusing me for destroying her and the kids. I recognize this from the stories I've been reading here, so I will brace myself for more to come and having to find a place of my own soon. I wish she would understand I never meant to harm her (or the children, who I need to tell soon), but that at some point living a lie becomes impossible (for me). But, I guess when emotions run high and your basis falls away, those arguments hold no water anymore. If you have any advice on how to proceed next, please let me know. I feel torn between guilt, fear, anxiety and also some anticipation of a new and very uncertain life that seems ahead of me.