So I had my one friend who was the first I came out to who has been great and supportive since February. She's been my rock, and the one to talk me through the rough spots. Since coming out to her in February I've made some great progress I think. I've come out to four more people. I can say "I'm gay" out loud. And I've switched to dressing less femme and more how I'm comfortable which is a little dapper. As I've made this progress I haven't needed constant support, but more in bursts surrounding events. However I think my friend has grown sick of my anxiety and fear and difficulty being gay. She seems to think I should just be over the whole thing now and that it shouldn't bother me because it doesn't bother her. And I agree in theory, but I am still having problems with not being okay with it. If I could switch a flip and change that not okay to okay then I'd do it in a heartbeat. She doesn't understand. I was in a panic on Friday after coming out to two new people, the first LGBT people I've come out to. I mean there wasn't anything specific to panic about because it actually went really well, but it caused me extreme anxiety later anyway. So I tried to talk to my friend because that usually slows the anxiety and prevents it from turning into an anxiety attack. Even though we were already hanging out, she really didn't want to talk to me, and just blew me off. She told me everything was fine. Everything WASN'T fine which is why I was trying to talk to her! Coming out to my LGBT friends went fine, but I wasn't fine! I was crumbling. After she blew me off I drank a rather excessive amount of alcohol, was drunk for about 10 hours, and cut myself for the first time in two months. My LGBT friends seem like they want to be really supportive, but I don't want them to think I'm messed up because we're not that close. I don't want to tell them the extent of my extreme anxiety, discomfort, and fear. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I did to make my friend sick of me, or why my panic is any less valid now than when I first came out to her in February. Thanks for listening, EC-ers. I just needed someone to listen.
Some people have their limits as to how much of a shoulder they should lend. Some stay on. Others walk because they want you to fight your own battles. Theoretically, a real friend or support system sticks around through thick and thin. Not about sexual issues, however my family loved to stir up drama assuming I wouldn't take it outside the house to vent. I always did. I wasn't going to implode. I've lost a few friends this way. Sadly, I lost my best friend within the last 10 years this way, and we had been great friends for 10 years prior to that. It was a burst of drama in our family that was not typical in how he and I interacted and he bolted. She might just want you to deal with it and can't relate to the level of anxiety you see. Anxiety and depression differs in people, from practically nonexistent to debilitating. So many people are not empathetic when it comes to anxiety and depression. They think you should just snap out of it.
Yeah I suppose she could just have hit her limit. She just seems to think I should have gotten over 20 years of anxiety about being gay and coming out in the past four months. She was the one I went to for support not only because she was the first person I came out to (and only for awhile) but because she offered to be a support system any time I needed it. I was careful not to drag her into the worst of it. Anxiety attacks were always when I was in my room with the door closed. She doesn't know I cut. When I drink to deal, it's alone in my room with the door closed. I didn't tell her when I was having dark thoughts. I cry alone in my room quietly. I didn't do any of this in front of her or tell her about it because it didn't feel fair to inflict my drama on her. I guess it was still too much. This hurts a lot because I'm generally not someone who likes to go to others for support at all. It was a big deal that I even asked for support in the first place. Either way I guess you're right and she is done. I won't go to her again. I'll figure it out on my own.
I've experienced this as well. Friends who would be supportive initially would lose patience, either because the subject wasn't one they were as concerned with, or they simply reached their limits with supporting me. Either way, I had to learn not to burden just one of them, to fight a few battles on my own, and to actually take their advice. In the past, I was pretty dependent on them, too, instantly texting or calling one of them whenever something went wrong, but quickly realized I was acting in a co-dependent manner, and slowly started relying on myself to solve my own problems and support me through my own struggles. I think it's difficult for non-LGBT to understand just how big coming out is, and for many of them it's just a one time, one step process. It's like, I'm not a woman, and could easily say 'oh, stop exaggerating and just get over it' since I don't have to deal with many women's issues and it's easy to write them off as trivial. It wasn't until reading through posts and blogs that it started to click and empathizing became a lot easier; some even consider me a feminist. My only advice, if you absolutely need the external support, would be to try and reach out to more LGBT and LGBT allies offline, since things can get pretty overwhelming otherwise. That, and continue to use EC to your advantage. You are making progress, a lot more and a lot quicker than a lot of other members here.
Hi, Let me toss something in. It may or may not apply... Maybe everything was fine as your friend said but as an individual the only thing in-fine was what was running through your mind. I am guessing your friend is not a trained therapist, counsellor, psychologist, or psychiatrist and they are not skilled in treating panic attacks. No matter how much this friend loves you they don't have the resources to treat you for panic attacks. Do you attend a LGBT support group? Do you have any professional support for your emotional anxiety needs? I would suggest you go back to friendship with your friend and join support venues for anxiety. I don't know your situation and only offer an observation. Being a friend does not mean you have the skills necessary to work with a friends emotional needs if they are complex.
No my friend is not a trained counselor. And no I'm not actually seeing one of those either. I'm too scared to go to a LGBT support group in person, so I've just got EC. I do not plan on seeing a professional both because of cost and because I'm too scared. My friend didn't know she was talking me down from my anxiety. I just knew I could cut it off at the pass if I could talk to her before the anxiety built up to the point of no return. I don't even know if she necessarily knew I was anxious at all when she was talking to me. You're right. I'll just go back to being friends with her. I was asking too much.
Anxiety is a lot more apparent to friends than you imagine. Putting cost aside why are you scared of help? These are professionals not gossips, friends or family. If you are drowning you have to accept the life ring when it is tossed to you. Getting help is no different.
I'm very shy, and it takes me a long time to feel comfortable with someone new. It would probably take six months to a year for me to actually tell a professional what was bothering me. The time before that would likely just be awkward silence week after week. I would never tell a professional that I was cutting and had thought about hurting myself. They'd over react, and I wouldn't be able to take it back. Also I didn't want to tell anyone about the extent of the issues I've been having. I'll only share it on EC because no one knows who I am. In person no one knows how badly I've been dealing with this, and most don't know anything is up at all. They just think I've been sick lately because I haven't been eating. They don't know it's anxiety, or maybe they do and pretend to buy my sick excuse. Either way. Edited to add: I told my friend this morning that I promised to stop using her as a therapist, and I apologized for putting that burden on her and thanked her for her help. We're just going back to being normal friends, and I won't use her to work through my problems anymore. If I'm drowning I'll just have to figure out how to swim.
Do you think an anti-anxiety drug would help you? I spent a lot of time "horrible-izing" situations in my life before going on anti-anxiety medicine. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor about other things that cause you anxiety. You wouldn't necessarily have to come out to the doctor.
I'm sure anti-anxiety medication would be a good idea, but I do not like medication in general. Not even non prescription medication. I would not take it. I'm doing some better now. My weekend freak out over coming out to my former crush has passed. I came out to another friend (my mutual friend with excrush) and it went well. I'm a little up and down about everything at the moment. I have hours of being completely okay with being gay and out. And then I'll have hours of wishing I weren't gay, and desperately wanting to go back in. Those are the shitty hours. Also, my ex-crush that I just came out to has offered to talk any time I need it. Now I'm jumpy to talk to her about anything because I'm afraid she'll get sick of me too and that I'd be dumping too much on her. So I just tell her I'm okay and I ask factual questions about things like coming out to family, and dealing with homophobes.
