What is being gay like when you are older?

Thank you for asking this question. I wish more younger kids would because it could prevent a lot of the struggles and drama that some of us in the "later in life" group have delt with.

What I have now that was missing when I was your age is a sense of being settled. For the longest time I was convinced I was broken, dysfunctional, maladjusted, not loved enough by my parents, etc. Now I understand that I'm fine. I never was broken or dysfunctional; I don't need to be fixed.

I have a confidence now that has been missing all my life. I feel like a real person who deserves to live (also a new realization) and enjoy the life he's been given.

I don't "feel" gay. Sometimes I remember it like an afterthought. I like that. I assume that straight people don't "feel" straight either. This also is new for me because I always "felt" like a weirdo or alien. Not any more. I look forward to my life and the relationships that I hopefully will have. To this point my relationships have been difficult because I was playing a role, a character in my own life. The real me was never there because I couldn't be. Now I am and it's awesome. That's not to say that I'm out everywhere because I'm not. I live somewhere that I could be fired, but nonetheless I feel like a normal, well-adjusted, BAMF, who just happens to like guys.

Good luck to you, and don't let anyone convince you that you're broken.

 

I have gotten older at the same time things in society have changed as well.

My feelings changed for the better when I moved to LA and to West Hollywood, CA as far as fitting in and feeling relaxed about being gay. I know now that I am creative in a way that I would not be if I were straight.

So what I am saying is that the changes have been internal (in me), as well as external (outside). So the differences are not simply due to age, but the differences in the world.

Things are changing for the better now, and the changes are coming fast. It has little to do with age, and mostly to do with others' views in my opinion. It has become very uncool to make a negative comments about gays in social situations or in work environments. This is so different on how I recall things back in the mid-80s. But again, this is what it is like now, and what I see and think. But it is outside stuff.

 

Hi,

You really don't change much. Experience offers much and changes you in subtle and profound ways, but basically you are you.

Society and what it accepts changes but that only affects your ability to express who you are publicly.

In countries where the penalty for gay is death the gays there are still gay, their thoughts and feelings don 't change, they just cannot express it.

I can say "mentally" and "emotionally" I am little changed from my early 20's, but my societal/personal ability to express who I am has changed.

 

I read your whole post and agree with most of it. However, there are still pea-brained people, even in progressive big cities, who don't like anything but heterosexuals with their own offspring. I worked for such a place within the last 5 years. It was the best pay and responsibility I've ever had, but the most oppressive work environment. And, yes, you can switch jobs, but sometimes the type of work, size of the places that do it, and other employers in the city often have the same vibe.

Yes, by and large, things are better for younger people today if they share who they are or if they want to. It looks like schools and colleges have more options compared to when there were no such thing. However, people will be people and some people will harass others who are different no matter what year we are in and I do hear about it in the news. However, there are more programs and policies in place in schools and offices to prevent this sort of thing from happening. Most of the time they work and it is uncool, as you say. Some of the younger people on here who live in remote locations tell how they want to move to the big cities on the coasts after finishing high school. Historically, that is common, and I don't expect rural areas in the "red states" to change much, even decades from now.

About the older part, as labeled by the OP, that really cracks me up. 30 and up? Seriously? I'm assuming that some teenagers and 20-somethings are really into guys and girls their own age, more or less. In high school, I didn't check out too many guys in the school, because they didn't interest me. I thought 30 and older was hot when I was young, and it had nothing to do with my upbringing, I don't think, because I had a dad who was very present and who I got along with. At any rate, I probably got more sex more easily between 28 and 38 than at any time in my life because I had matured a little late to begin with, so I looked a little younger than my age, and because people in that age group have access to sex being adults, living on their own and having to travel, either for work or for fun. They say that most people tend to have sexual partners that are roughly their own age. I believe it. The gist of the OP becomes a problem and presents less options for relationships and sex when a person continues to get older but is stuck at liking 18 to 25 year old guys. I've seen this with only a few guys, and they don't even like the most handsome guys their own age.

While this isn't a celebrity crush thread, when I was just a kid, I saw this actor, who has passed away early, and thought he was incredibly good looking, and obviously over 30:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mqovHOGq02k/Tq7P560UYyI/AAAAAAAAC2I/FPhjej9yCRA/s1600/Jason+Miller+The+Exorcist.PNG

So, for many people, at 30 things are just getting started and you actually look back at your teens and twenties and realize you are in a much better place and more comfortable with yourself. However, as one gets older in the way that they start having a decline in health, it's better to have a support system in place rather than look for one when that happens.

 

There's being gay when older and then there's discovering that you are gay, when older. Two very different experiences actually.

Being gay when older when you've accepted it in your youth becomes second nature after a while, it's just not a big deal, and there has been time to develop that social network of friends who share your values and often, orientation.

Discovering being gay is vastly different, we don't have that social network nearly as well established, but we feel incredibly better for having gone through this. I know that I do, and if I go by what my other EC later generations have gone though, we think about it a lot more than the more established gay individuals.

I feel lighter on my feet, happier than ever, and enjoying my first real, loving gay relationship, there's no age for that, it can happen at any time!

 

Similarly, coming out a second time later in life is different but similar to the missing social network of of discovering your gay later in life.

I was in a gay relationship for years, then made an error and was in a hetero marriage for years. During the gay relationship I had no need of the gay scene as I just lived my relationship. When married I could not reach out and now I am older and need to understand, get involved in the gay community with little idea how to connect with it.

 

I don't feel much older. I can't go out clubbing all night any more and twenty-somethings tend to ignore me. On the plus side I'm not involved in a bunch of drama and I don't have to impress anyone.

 

Being gay when more "mature" -- ahem young one.... ;-)

First of all, being out & gay is great! It means I know who I am, what I want, what I need.

It doesn't :bang: however mean I know exactly how to live out and gay quite yet, have relationships, be part of the community. But I'm learning.

What I see relative to many younger gay men is that those of us who are more mature, do tend to have more confidence. I am pretty out there is saying who I am, what I know, what I don't know, and having a laugh and fun along the way on the journey.

And let me say, without apology, that I find that sexy in other men... and clearly I think they find it sexy in me.

Lets see -- what else -- I've done the married/kid thing. I like being a Dad (and my kids are fully accepting of me). So none of those pressures. My career is pretty well established, so "check" that box.

Yep, I highly recommend being gay and out later in life!:icon_bigg

 

I know a ton of people, and I interact with a ton of people. I deal with teenagers and retired folks, businessmen and punk rockers and professional athletes. They all know I'm gay. They're all cool with it. Or if they're not, they hide it so well it's just like they're cool with it.

One thing I've noticed is that the older I get, the less I care about what people think. You know how older guys can show up on the beach with (semi-)revealing bathing suits, showing the world their potbelly and hairy back and whatever else? Yeah, I'm there. Because I don't give a shit what anybody thinks. If I'm going to the beach, I'm going to wear a swimsuit like everybody else. No, I won't look as attractive as the 19-year-old ripped guys. But that's not why I'm wearing it - I'm wearing it because I want to swim and get some sun, and I don't give a rat's ass if you find my hairy back gross.

It's sort of like that across the board. I'm sure I run into people in a semi-regular basis who think I dress weird, or mock my haircut to their friends, or don't like that I'm gay. But I honestly don't even give it a second thought. I'm busy living my kick-ass life - they can all think whatever they want.

One thing I like to jokingly say which seems to be true across the board for guys, straight, gay and bi. "I thought when I grew older, I'd grow uninterested in sex. I haven't. My sex drive is actually just barely less than it was when I was twenty. The thing I wasn't expecting was that 'sleep' would suddenly come out of nowhere and compete with 'sex' as something I loved doing...to the point where, if I'm given the choice between the two, I often pick sleep. Because we can always have sex in the morning when we're fully rested."

Lex

 

^ What Lex said. Plus, I quite often have to get up in the night to pee.

I came out in my late 30s - so it's tough to compare younger times to now. But what I can say is that I just live my life, with my husband, like any other person would live their life with their spouse. We both work, have a house, have cars, take vacation, go grocery shopping, go out for dinner, go clubbing (OK - that might not be typical of married people in their 40s) and generally enjoy life. I'm thinking perhaps more than the average person because I've had to struggle a bit to really figure out what makes me happy.