So, it has been a few months now that I have been aware that I am not straight. I am getting close to the month mare of realizing I am a lesbian. Bare with me, cause I need some feed back. Here is where my life stands right now. -I don't have a job. I am a stay at home Mom. I have a 4 year old genius high functioning Autistic child with sensory processing disorder. He has mastered academic topics of most of 1st grade and some into 2nd grade. Because of all of this, I have committed to homeschooling him this following year. -My husband is pretty cool about me being a lesbian. Once he got over his fear of me disappearing, we went back to as normal as we can get. We both have acknowledged what is missing from our sex life and have agreed to "help each other out" so we don't get sexually frustrated too badly. I told him there would be a point when holding back my sexuality will no longer work, but told him he would be the first to know. -I want time to get myself together a bit more. I had a crappy childhood and figuring out I am a lesbian is one in a series of discoveries I have learned about myself. I want to spend time getting in shape again, working on programming, and stuff like that. Okay. All of that said, do yall think this could work for a few years? Sometimes I feel like I could just continue this way forever and other days I want to be with a woman so bad. I am worried that I am walking too fine a line. Does that make sense? Does anyone have experience with trying to "hold back the gay" for a while? I know that many people have been closeted and their spouse didn't know. Being open with him feels like it helps, but I don't know. Advice?
I'd think that only time will tell how well this arrangement will work. But if you're committed to being honest with your husband, it will be OK. You'll either be able to make it work, or you won't, but you won't plan on spending years in agony or stepping out behind his back - so see how long you can stay happy with the current situation. Remember there are 2 people involved. While you might be quite comfortable, you don't know how he's feeling. You might be quite content and he'll surprise you one day with the news that he wants out.
I agree with what Jim says, but there are in fact 3 people involved (at least). Do remember that major family-structure changes are hardest on adolescents. Don't do your child any favors by hanging on in a miserable existence until he is a teenager. I also question whether you really need to "hold back the gay" (I hate that expression). It seems to me that if your partner knows your sexuality, then the two of you should be able to (at some point...it's completely understandable if that point is not now) work out an arrangement where neither of you has to sacrifice their needs.
To be honest, I think you've done the hard part in telling your husband the truth. From here if you two negotiate the day-to-day and your respective needs, then you'll figure it out. I'm assuming that you feel the need to stay together for your son. That too is up to you two to decide what's best for all parties involved. This directly relates to your final question about holding back the gay, which I assume since you are asking is what you feel that you'll be doing. As is common on EC, we can only offer our own experiences and leave you to draw your own conclusions as none could presume to tell you what's "right." So, here's my experience that I think relates to your question... I "[held] back the gay" for more than 30 years and more than 20 of that was married. Maybe it's different for men then women, but I never reached a settled, content-with-the-situation condition. Resentment and discontentment grew. The struggle was agonizing and every day I struggled more as it felt like it was mounting more. As an analogy, it was like holding your breath. It's always uncomfortable, but as the seconds tick by it gets more and more excruciating. Now that I've stopped holding my breath I'm insatiable for more and more air. I've denied myself of something so fundamental to my wellbeing that I quite literally nearly died. The misery brought me to the point of suicide. I completely regret waiting so long. Now that my kids know the truth, I feel that we can all begin living a more authentic life as all my relationships were tainted with a hint or smear, to a complete coat, of bullshit. "I" was never completely in any of them because I couldn't. Again, that's just my experience so take it for what it's worth. I wish you luck and you have my prayers as you navigate these decisions.
