I find myself in a familiar situation. It's bugging me and I know what happens next. Okay let be back up for a second. I live in a conservative area but relatively close to a liberal city. I've had a rough time finding gay men my age that isn't in a bar/club setting. So the only place to go is online dating sites. It seems very difficult just to find someone I feel I'm comparable with, then even harder to make contact. For the 35-45 age group, most guys are looking for hook-ups or short-term open relationships. Even on pay sites. I think this is the product of what gay was as we were growing up, I mean settling down wasn't much of an option like it is becoming. Anyway many of the guys left don't seem to put much time into their profiles/pictures. They barely write anything, look angry in their pics or are overly negative...etc. (Writing this I think, aren't I negative right now...yes but I'm venting and this isn't my profile). By-the-way...I've never (EVER) got a quality first message from anyone I'm comparable with. I get a lot of crap. Anyway, once in a blue moon...maybe every 3 months I find someone who actually writes me back. I only would make first contact if we seem like a really good match and are looking for the same things with a lot in common. This is hard to find because I'm a tiny minority within a minority. But this is how the conversations usually go. I say something relevant but brief about a current event in my life or about myself. I ask them something about them. I may let them know something in their profile that I liked or connected with. I put a lot of thought in it, make it brief and relevant and make sure its a conversation starter. I usually get back a short response that includes a big thanks, a quick question about me (just to be polite) and answers any questions that I asked. I try to keep the conversation going being my charming self (haha, I do put a lot of effort into what I write). What I get back doesn't give any indication that he wants to continue talking. Doesn't give any indication that he wants me to stop talking to him. It's like if I asked how was your day...and you reply fine. Sigh...It would be easier if he told me to just stop talking. So I guess I'm going wait a couple days then just ask if he would like chat via the IM. Might as well put him to the test. It's frustrating because there is so much pressure for one of these to at lease lead to a date. I know its a numbers game, but I will never have the numbers. If I have to go through 100 rejections before I find 1 date, I will die of old age first. There just aren't enough guys in my age range that I'm compatible with and are hoping for an LTR. You know what else that bugs me, at least half the time I find someone interesting, it's clear that they don't use the site anymore. Sigh. Getting this all out makes me feel a bit better. Is there anyone else that has a similar problem because I feel like the only one. I'd love some advice.
I have the same complaint. The guys I meet are only into anonymous sex, or NSA as they call it. Most are too boring, and are not really even any good at sex too. I see, on some other sites, where gays guys complain of the same thing. The guy want to talk of sex, and want to see genitalia pictures. I know that men are know for being very sexual, but why do we get married then. It is strange for a guy who started dating guys at 50, after 20 years of marriage. I can barely find a guy who kisses.
Hi everybody, This situation I spoke of at the beginning of this thread played out exactly as I expected (just took a little time) so I'm a little depressed. Each email he wrote was so nice and sweet, but he never seemed to be that interested in learning about me. I finally decided to put it to the test and eventually got the I'm interested in someone else. It is so unbelievably difficult to find someone even close to my old-fashioned values that when I can find someone, there is a lot of pressure since you know there may never be anyone else. This is a major problem and I think it's age related. Any gay person over 30 grew up in a time when the overwhelming dominate lifestyle was sex, drugs, and open relationships in a gay area of a major city. Family and monogamy were not realistic goals. There were few exceptions. Now that times are changing the few people who want something different are having a hard time finding each other. Then making a relationship work is hard since their are compatibility requirements. Finding someone who has the same values that you are compatible with for the middle age group is difficult. If you're in your teens now, you're not likely to have this problem. Marriage and family are realistic options now and that will shape the way they see their future.
Hi, Yeah, we should have an old fashioned values convention for gay men. I suspect it would turn into a teen dance only there would be no girls to occupy the opposite wall. Everyone so reserved close interaction does not occur. Don't get me wrong, but I can see "socially reserved" driving people towards old fashioned values. I often wonder if being socially reserved (shy) can adhere one to values that are good but counter productive if adhered to too closely. I wonder if I need to loosen up.
Okay, so you KNOW you're not the only one in your situation, right? This leads me to a question. One that I haven't answered yet myself, but maybe it's time I put it out there. You say you're looking for a LTR. I think that'd be nice too. Who wouldn't? We see people all the time in them - on TV, in movies, in public, online, and think, "I wish I had that. THEN I'd finally be happy." At least I do. So here's the question... are we looking for the right thing? What I mean by that is, are we diving into things too quickly, going straight for the top-floor penthouse without passing through any of the levels underneath, like most other people do? Consider. Most people start with short term relationships, whether it be in middle school, high school, or beyond, or whether it starts with the intention of being in a relationship or just evolves from hanging out with a person for brief stints at a time. During those early starts, a person learns what a relationship is and how to maintain it - they make mistakes, and correct them as they go, learning, and going from one relationship to the next until they find someone to make a go with. At least that's my observation. A lot of people like us haven't BEEN in a relationship, or have had few opportunities to draw experience from. I for example have avoided them entirely because I was afraid that ANY attempt at a relationship would reveal to the world my true nature. So now I have nothing to draw from. So that's just it. What if our desire to go straight for "happily ever after" is hampered because we actually need to learn a thing or two, and go through all the baby steps we missed as teenagers? Perhaps this doesn't help much. I was just thinking.
I certainly understand your pain. I have been through the same things myself. Although at my age it seems like there are many guys like me finally out and wanting that good man to settle down with. But I think it is the age really. I wish you all the best this is at the very least a tough life. (*hug*)
It is frustrating to put yourself out there in an authentic way and keep hitting brick walls. Am I trying too hard? Am I uninteresting? Am I missing the rules of the game completely? Is there a secret manual somewhere that nobody told me about? All these things go through my mind whenever I get a chat message along the lines of, "Sup?" when what I really want is a quality conversation... that might lead to a date... that might lead to something more. Maybe my expectations are just unrealistic; I don't know. I try to persist, though, because giving up means being isolated and alone... So, if somebody has the secret manual, would you mind sharing it with us? :icon_wink
Nope, I'm the only one. ...okay, maybe not the only one, but hang on and let me do the math... ...looks like there is one of me in 2,487,352 gay men. So I feel fairly justified in feeling like I'm the only one. But as to your question about are we looking for the right thing? Actually...I am. I have no intention of going right to the penthouse. I'm just trying to get into the building! A LTR can only come from a STR when both parties want to make that commitment. Relationships don't start with love...more infatuation. Love develops over time. I just want to date the guy I develop a crush on. After some time I hope I still feel the same way and we make a commitment to enter a monogamous relationship. If things go well, I hope that will turn into an LTR. I expect that most relationships won't make it that far. I understand that. However, I talk about what I want in the end because it's necessary for me to only date someone who is looking for the same thing. For me there is no point to date someone who has no intention of being monogamous or reaching an LTR over time. I've only been on dates with 2 different guys at this point in my life. Both cases I knew I didn't have any romantic feelings for them right from the start. They were just the only guys I could get to go out with me. (That weren't old or wanted only sex) So we never entered a STR, and I decided not to continue communication. I've been in this situation before...with women. I had no romantic feelings right from the start and I don't want to do that again. So what I have learned is that I should limit dating to someone who I feel drawn to. They must want the same things I do, to eventually find someone to spend the rest of their life with. The dating part is just the first stage to see if this person could be that special someone. The problem is how rare is it to find someone who wants the same things. Someone to enter the building with and see how close we can get to the penthouse. Does this make sense? ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2013 at 09:37 AM ---------- I've found that manual...it reads be in your twenties. I have the same issues, quality conversation. What I've concluded is you can't find this online. My problem is there is nowhere else to look. The secret is be in your early twenties and on a college campus in today's day and age. There is a reason why people say the older you get when your single, the more likely you will stay single. True for both gay and straight people. But gay people are working with only 5% of the population.
Yep, without a doubt. No friggin way many of us are ready for a relationship. We need to try things out, learn, experiment.... or long term has NO chance. How can you know what really fits with you, deep down, until you've kissed a few frogs?
