the gay rollercoaster

I'd say I've feeling the same, there are periods I think to myself "Me gay? No wayy...", and periods I just want to shout out "YEAHH I AM GAY!!". In my opinion I think my head is still getting used to my new self and sometimes just needs a rest, aside from that yeahh gay for sure ^^

 

My feelings are more consistant. As soo as I came out, I knew that is was true. It was so true that I found it sort of stupidly obvious, kind of like saying, "I have blue eyes."

And since then, while it has made me very happy to come to this understanding of myself, it's just become one more fact about me. I don't feel the need to question it or talk about it for hours on end with friends. It's become as simple as saying, "I'm five foot six." A simply statement of fact. I've never looked back.

Having said that, however, I'm going through a tumultuous time with my husband right now, as you might expect (I've only come out about a month ago), and there are brief moments when I think, "Oh, I could stay here with him...." but those never last more than a few seconds, and are born out of guilt, not any real desire to do so. When I think about it for even a brief moment, I know that I can't. Even if I some how wanted to or had strong motivation to, I know that the price I'd pay would be too high.

But I did love your description of the roller coaster of emotions.

--Zoe

 

Hi,

Internalized homophobia versus desire.

An ongoing wrestling match for many.

You will see people here move from bi-curious to bisexual to gay here as the match progresses.

Not true for all but some.

It is a losing battle for homophobia for it erodes as self acceptance grows.

 

I came out as bi first then realized that that simply wasn't the case within a few days. I never did have hetero desire, I just had emotional attachments.

I dealt with internalized homophobia due to religious reasons. Was it religion that quelled my desire for men? Nah! LOL

 

It certainly is. I'm not running anymore, and these urges feel natural to me, even if others aren't so accepting. I'd be lying if I said my attractions towards women suddenly disappeared over the past two years, or I realized they never existed - that might make things slightly simpler. I just feel a lot more balanced and fulfilled now, accepting myself.

There really wasn't a denial phase for me. As soon as I was certain these were genuine attractions, I accepted them and prepared for whatever would come next. Before that, it was a matter of 'if'.

 

That feeling could be because you're longing for a meaningful relationship with someone you want both sexually and romantically. Being in a relationship with someone a person desires tends to motivate them to be honest about their sexuality. They may feel that even if they are disowned by their family or friends, at least they'll have their lover to turn to. But this is only true for some people.

It's especially not easy for those of us who live in the Bible Belt.

 

Yeah same thing here, I know I've never like felt attracted to girls, but until now I woulf force myself and try to look that way all my mates did. Finally grew out of it and the small attraction I might have felt was gone is 2 weeks or so xD

 

Hello Ms. Flower!

I'm trying to figure out what's really going on here, and it's hard based on what you write. My first thought was "are you sure you're lesbian and not bisexual?" But then you say you considered that an eventually ruled it out.

So...when you say "I woke up this morning and didn't feel very gay"...do you mean you felt some attraction toward men? More toward men than toward women? Or that you just weren't very aroused at that moment (but that if you were to be aroused, it would definitely be by a woman)?

'Cause let's get two things "straight" (so to speak) here:
(1) Not feeling arousal is very different from not being gay; and
(2) Bisexuals do not always feel constant levels of attraction toward both sexes.

If when you look inside yourself, you just really don't have any sexual attraction toward men...ever...then you're lesbian, regardless of how much the thought of having sex with a woman appeals or doesn't appeal to you at a given moment (unless it *never* does, in which case you could be asexual).

If you find that some mornings you can get kinda excited about sex with your husband, say...but that by afternoon you have no interest, and find the notion of that cute chick at the grocery store appealing...but then by evening, that has waned. Or if these changes are more day-to-day or week-to-week...even year to year...those are all bisexual patterns.

Just curious about what your actual experience is...can you clarify?

 

[/QUOTE] I don't feel like it is a denial phase, but more of a feeling of being scared of the future. I think my fear of the hell that will be raised when I come out of the closet can make me want to feel like I never have to come out of the closet. My family will eventually be supportive, but first they will not believe me. They will question me and try to make sure I am a lesbian. They will tell me I am wrong and question why I have always been with men. It will be a very tough time for me. I joke about disappearing for a month while they come to terms with it, but it just isn't possible.[/QUOTE]

I had this exact same fear, although it was specifically about my father. My father and I have always had a somewhat tumultuous relationship. He was a way of pushing my buttons. When he gives advice or asks questions, I know in my heart he's just being a dad and looking out for me, but it's sometimes hard to remember that because his questions makes me feel like I'm stupid or very young.

For example, I told him recently I wanted to buy a new house (something I've done 1 1/2 times before). Here's what I got (imagine these in a stern father-knows-best voice):

--Are you sure?
--You know, moving's expensive.
--You know, you have to have a job to get a mortgage.
--You'll have to give your real estate agent 6%.

And in the past 15 years or so, he's become conservatively Christian. He gives my brother all sorts of grief over his life style (which, honestly, maybe he should).

So when I came out to him, I completely expected what you described--disbelief and questioning. I could just hear it in my head:

--Are you sure?
--How do you know?
--Well, have you ever been with a woman before? Well then, how can you be sure?
--You know, this means the end of your marriage.
--Have you prayed about it?
--You know, this will make your life more difficult, so you better'd be sure.

The strategy I used was just to be super confident and announce it like it was important, but still fairly casual, as though I was announcing that I found 1,000 hidden the sofa cushions.

Turned out, I didn't get any of the questions. I think he was so shocked, and this is so far out of his area of expertise (unlike selling a house), that he couldn't come up with any questions or didn't want to ask in case they were inappropriate.

So while I can't help you out with advice, I wanted you to know I felt the exact same fear. I had the idea that I would call them (they live several states away in a place that's difficult to get to, if you can believe such places still exist, so a face-to-face was not practical), tell my dad and then hang up to give him a chance to think about it. I wouldn't do it, of course, but it sure was nice to think about.

--Z

 

My feelings were the same as any life-changing event.

Denial - A years long period of denial
Anger - What had God done to me?
Sadness - over what my friends and family would think about me.
Acceptance - I finally accepted who I am and that I like both genders.

Just wish it hadn't taken so long to go through those stages

P.S. My levels of attraction for men and women are fluid. Some days passing for straight feels fine. Other days I'm all revved up to hit the gay club.

 

I know the feeling. I was so busy for a week and a half that I didn't really have time to think about being gay. I didn't really feel incredibly gay either

Then for this past week I've been crushing on a guy who was subbing here at work. He was not my usual type but there is this smile and twinkle in his eye that is irresistible. Also just an all around great guy. (I've worked with him previously.) Don't think he is gay, but it reminded me that I can find someone just as great as him once I am out.

I also had several pre-teen girls decide they needed to paint my nails while I was hanging out with them this last week. Each girl painted a different nail so they ended up rainbow colored. I kept the nail polish on for a few days and now I kind of miss it. It felt good to wear it and not care what people thought. :icon_bigg

 

I work for a religious org where some employees (including my bosses) are open minded while other coworkers are extremely conservative on social issues. The religion is extremely socially conservative so if it got above my bosses heads that I was gay, they very well could be forced by the powers that be to fire me. If they didn't fire me, they would probably lose their jobs. Only here through the beginning of August so it would be easier to come out then.