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Devastation and Disintegration

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by arturoenrico, Jun 15, 2013.

  1. arturoenrico

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    I've been reading a lot of posts but not posting myself, mostly because I feel so lost I don't even know what to say. It's been about a year since I first told my wife that I was questioning my sexuality. Its about 6 months since I told her definitively that I'm gay, although I don't even know what that means since I haven't ever had a sexual relationship or experience with a man. I just have thoughts and fantasies. It's probably been the worst year of my life and I only have dread for what comes next. It's been a year of disintegration and devastation. I have read that many of you have experienced great joy, pride and freedom on being able to come out. It is encouraging for me to hear this but sadly it is not so for me. I feel like I made the biggest mistake in my life. I hate being out, and I am only out partially. It seems like everyday, there is something else I'm going to lose. This week my wife told me that I should not come to her family's beach house, where we've been going on vacation for 25 years. All the memories of going there with my kids while they grew up are just flooding me. I'm also not welcome when my wife and kids visit a close friend in Vancouver later in the summer, even for a long weekend. We have always had big barbecues in the summer with lots of people. Now, my wife doesn't want to socialize with any of our old couple friends unless I'm out. Well I'm not at all comfortable with that. I feel like my world is shrinking and shrinking. Within a year or so I guess I'll be out of our house and living on my own. I'm sorry for the sadness and negativity; I was told a few months ago by the facilitator of my coming out group that it was "unattractive" to talk so. But, that's what I feel; I'm devastated and feel like my life is disintegrating. Coming out is not working for me.
     
  2. tylerh

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    Sorry to hear about your problems, but you have to be true to yourself, I was married but luckily we never had any children to get caught up the mess, what does unattractive to talk mean, you have to talk and get it out, I feel the more you talk about it the easier it gets to deal with, I dont mean that everything you talk about should be about being gay but you have to find someone to talk to and share with, we are all going through shit in our lives, and each person deals with it in a different way, maybee you should move on with your life and get a place of your own it might make it easier, Take care and hope you do well.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    I feel for you and this contraction of your life, I am pretty much in the same boat, all the regular comforts are gone, I'm living like a student again, dealing with an impossible situation.

    It's a high price to pay, this coming out business, there is no denying it. I spoke about this before, this katabasis (see my blog post) that we have to go through. Was it worth it? I and many others here think so. Costly? Unbelievably costly, but what is the alternative? More years of misery, lies, happiness just out or reach (much, much more costly, in the long run)?

    But then you meet someone...and it changes everything. And starting over becomes an adventure again, only this time you have integrity and the wisdom of years on your side.

    We hate to lose...if you frame the story of your current situation only in terms of loss, you will feel this intensely; much more intensely than the opportunity that is the twin brother of all that must be shed.

    You have taken the first but not the last of many steps in Katabasis, feel your loss, yes, but also understand that it as only one side of the coin...
     
  4. PeteNJ

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    Its not an easy journey. Last year was the worst year of my life, even worse than when I got divorced.

    Yes, I'm posting a lot of positives about my life now -- but believe me, my life is unrecognizable.

    Last year I'd have been posting about depression, suicidal thoughts, total confusion, total fear.

    I can relate to your summer house sadness -- for the past 5 summers we've been going to my former girlfriend's beach house. And this year -- well, there is sadness, not just about not going to that fun, wonderful, relaxing place -- but about all that it represented - the hopes, the love, the relationship (which is no more).

    Arturoenrico - I can only tell you that you need to get as much support as you can in the process.

    At one point, I told myself, I am NOT going to sit on the sofa with a blanket and the 2 cats and watch stupid TV night after night. There are some nights I just didn't/don't want to go out -- and I made myself do it.

    You need to find people to be around -- whether LGBT/Gay or other interests, hobbies, groups, church, whatever....

    No one will create your new life other than you. And, friend, I have all the confidence you can do it!
     
  5. Runnerrunner

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    Hey buddy, it sounds like a lot of us are in this shitfest together. I truly believe it'll pass. Even though this is, hands-down, the worst time in my life, I still wouldn't go back in that effing closet. I'd rather die, which I very nearly did. Though this is horrible it's better than what was. I'd prefer poverty and living under a bridge than that hollow, fictitious, fear-filled existence I used to call "life." FUCK THAT SHIT!" Never again, NEVER AGAIN!!

    Hang in there, we'll all get through it. I'll bet, that one year from now we'll be shocked at how much better it is. Right now we may be "Waiting to Exhale" but the day WILL come.

    Man I wish we could all meet. I want to buy you all a beer, sit on a beach somewhere and cry, and laugh, and scream "We're mad as hell, and we're not gonna take it any more!"
     
    #5 Runnerrunner, Jun 16, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2013
  6. greatwhale

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    Amen to that, Brothers! Amen to that!
     
  7. Tightrope

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    arturoenrico:

    I hope you find the strength you need and that your mood improves. While I've never been a parent, I can however empathize with a lot of the feelings you are having about the social milieu. I agree with an above post that you need to find the support system that works for you, and sometimes that involves exploring, or even making minor changes in people who affirm you less toward people who affirm you more.
     
  8. germanion

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    I am sorry to hear that and I really hope you will be happy and comfortable soon..
    I want to say something but please don't consider it as I am blaming you or I am saying that what you did was wrong because I am really new to this thing and I don't have any experience in it ! but actually I cant find any benefit from coming out .. the only thing is that you will suffer from being isolated from the community .My question is "what is the benefit from coming out ? " if you have a nice life with your wife and kids , and you didn't have sex before with a man so what was the reason behind that move ?
    I am really asking these questions because I am now having very bad days .. I have a gf which I was planning to engage soon and now I am questioning my sexuality .. and my whole life is under risk now because of the decision I have to take .
    Good Luck brother
     
  9. Jeff

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    The only thing you can do is make new friends, and find new places to go. If you get into a group, a chat group or anywhere there are people to talk with, that will make it a bit better.

    You will be happy in the long run. Do keep a good relationship with the kids, as they will make you happy later when they accept you even if your ex-wife does not.

    You'll be ok, once the new construction begins on new friendships which always takes time. Keep your head up and know that you must stay strong for the kids, and show them what pride and honesty really is.
     
  10. bingostring

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    If staying in the closet is bearable, it's an option - but, surely, if all it has given you in the past is years of depression and unhappiness, then it is not really an option at all?

    This painful state... is about realigning yourself with the "true you" and being authentic at last. Finding that new you is daunting but everyone's advice above I would agree with to help you through.
     
  11. lionel

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    For me at 47 , coming out to my kids and former wife ( 15 year marriage- divorced for 2 ) really is like moving to a foreign country , new culture, new flag, new customs, traditions, and language. So yes ... Your right to feel what you feel. Gay men who stay married just prolong the agony for all involved. Just breathe and feel acceptance from your self. Really work on feeling accepting for yourself. If you practice self acceptance every day, then you'll be able to move trough the shame and guilt and feel accepted here, by us , your ec friends, it truly makes the next part doable, my children accept that their dad is gay, the love me, I love them, we're solid. My x wife has the ending to her married story, she's in a relationship that brings her joy, and she's happy that I gave our marriage story a proper ending . We a deserve to be loved. Give your self a break man . You are good. Practi e believing that and the truth will set you free. Keep well. Your friend ken
     
  12. Venturing

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    I feel for you, because I am experiencing this as well. I keep hearing about how brave and courageous we are to be coming out, when in fact I feel neither. I feel like I have destroyed my husband's life, and will be setting my son on a road of lifelong heartache and confusion. It's been a year since I came out to my husband, and I thought today that maybe life wouldn't be so bad if I just sat in the closet, and closed the door behind me. A few weeks ago, my husband disclosed to me that he has told his brother. I called him, and he circled the wagons. I didn't expect anything different, but it is so painful to lose the family I've known and loved for 15 years. My husband and I hadn't been intimate for years. I have absolutely no intention of entering a relationship until my son has been raised (another nine years) and off to college, so why are we splitting? I thought my husband deserved to know the truth so we could make a decision about our future, together. Now I'm wondering if it was all a huge mistake. Take care.
     
  13. Jeff

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    Yes, but at age 60 (in 15 years), you might know that it was not a mistake. You are still young enough to get things going, at age 60 you might not be.

    But I feel for the loses. I do not come out to everyone, and sometimes when things got ugly with someone, I was glad I did not come out to them.
     
  14. Samson

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    Arturo, please keep going.

    When you are saying that you wife "doesn't want to socialize with any of our old couple friends unless I'm out". Maybe she just want you to not stall in the coming-out process, in a sens, she maybe try to help you. Is it possible for you to talk more with her about the situation?

    Please take care (*hug*)
     
  15. tomthumb2

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    Great post and my sentiments exactly. This website feels like a lifeline for me and I know I'm going to lean on it heavily when its my turn to come out. Good luck manand hope things better better!!!
     
  16. Tightrope

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    Arturoenrico:

    Yesterday was Father's Day and probably rough. Let us know if you are doing better today, even if a little better.
     
  17. merlin

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    Hi Arturoenrico,

    You already got a lot of good advice and certainly friendship, let me just add my little part here for what it is worth. I too am just at the point of coming out. My wife knows (kind off, she is still a bit in denial) and some other people know (including my straight friend to whom I came out first and who I love way too much ;-). I've been married for 22 years but before that, I was also in a relationship with a woman (see my previous postings). I fell in love with a gorgeous young man and the feelings became so strong I could no longer hide it from myself or my girlfriend. I confessed and we separated. At that time I was living on my own and I won't give you a Hollywood version here. It was brutal and nearly killed me. I decided at that time I don't want to come out in public, got involved with my current wife and decided to live the closet life. Now, looking back I think I made a huge mistake. Don't get me wrong. I love my two kids and I respect my wife, but the longing for something that is so different becomes overpowering. There are better days, especially when there is no special person you feel very strongly for, but even then the fact that your mind and body says that you are living a lie is painful and distorts your mind. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and I don't think it is just my closeted existence that is causing it, but it is certainly a major part of it. Now, due to circumstances beyond my control, I was forced in the (semi)open and I start to enjoy some of that freedom of mind. No longer having to hide my true nature to certain friends is revealing and uplifting (mind you, my depression is still there, it doesn't go that fast ;-). As I mentioned in a previous post, having a straight friend who allows me to flirt a bit with him was a very eye opening experience because I loved it. Do I expect this coming out to remain so positive. No, not at all. I fear the day I have to tell my wife that she needs to accept I need to go live on my own also because I fear going back to being on my own (see past experience). I fear not finding a partner because I'm old (that is my perception, ok), I'm too thin (anorexic) and too nerdy perhaps. Add to this that I only go for guys between 18-25 years of age, and my future does not look bright. However, I cannot continue living a charade. I could hide back in my closet, tell my wife she was right, it was just a phase and live on the way I did for 22 years. I know for sure, that my destructive tendencies will become stronger and I will eventually find a way to kill myself. Will I not kill myself after living for years alone, being "out"? Not sure. But, at least I will have giving my true self a chance to experience the other life that I have been denying myself for so long. I want the companionship of another man, I want his affection and attention. If I don't get that, so be it. My life is not meant to be a movie with a happy ending in that case. There is a song from the Outlaws that has this profound wisdom (in my view): "you only regret the things you don't do". So, my friend, take courage and think about where you want to be a year from now. Hiding in a closet, having friends to whom you need to lie and a wife whose trust you will never gain again (sorry to be so blunt). Or, take that bold step, go out there and perhaps find the same happiness that so many others have found despite their anxiety and initial struggles (I've read the stories here at EC and so did you probably). We are all rooting for you and I wish indeed we could somehow get together and share our worries and happy moments. Without that opportunity, we need to make do with this virtual world, but it is a world of friends nonetheless. Big (*hug*) and let us know how things are going for you!