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Have I found who I really am

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Theatre74, Jun 18, 2013.

  1. Theatre74

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    After reading some of the posts n this wonderful site, I decided to take the plunge and post.

    I'm 38 and for the past two years I feel like i am getting in contact with a part of myself I long denied. Looking back through my life I have drifted from one relationship to another with girls, never being able to quite settle. Quick engagements with most of them, always trying to over prove my straightness looking back on things. I am not under confident I a more over confident to stupid amounts, but is that a cover. I have gone to a few gay bars and always felt like I belong no pressure etc. My current partner (girl) says I am the campest straight guy she knows, irony there I think. I know we seem to be drifting apart but I don't think it has anything to do with this discovery. I am currently directing a show, its an adaptation of a Ibsen, but anyway the plot revolves around coming out late in life and accepting who you are. Parallels I think. A guy at work who is gay, says the min he saw me he guessed i was Bi leaning to gay, but I think I am more gay. Currently feeling like I have no one to talk to about this. So I Carry on trying to be straight and over confident, trying to hide these feelings.

    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    First, welcome to EC!

    Second, congratulations to you for acknowledging your feelings and being prepared to go wherever they lead you, including no longer hiding them, but instead, celebrating them!

    You will find good advice and support here, enjoy the ride!
     
  3. Zoe

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    Hello Theatre-

    I second Great Whale's congratulations. I have just recently come out myself, so I know what it's like to question what you thought you knew all your life. You've taken a huge first step.

    And as Great Whale said, there is lots of great support to be had here. I wasn't sure what to expect when I joined last month, but this site and the people on it have become important to me--a place to go and people to turn to for advice and support. I have also enjoyed reading other people's stories and offering advice where I can.

    This is a safe harbor. Welcome.

    --Zoe
     
  4. Rose27

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    Theatre74 Welcome to EC. Hugs!
    (!)(!)(!)(!)(!) -Yes I'm a Lesbian who loves dancin' bananas!
     
  5. Theatre74

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    Thanks for the support, sitting here just listening to musicals. I remembered what some one once told me, why am i in a glass closet.... god i'm rubbish at this. I feel like currently i am two people a loud flamboyant one and a reserved person. I want to be loud and outrageous but i can't, it's like i have a hammer to smash that glass closet but my arms don't have the strength. Also it seems like so many gay people who i have encountered are just after the sex, where are the one's who want relationships. :bang: sorry if its all over the place.
     
  6. Fellow

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    Felling exactly the same, a part of me justs wants to come out but my reserved side always wins. Wondering about those after sex, when what I would be looking for is a relationship, that eventually would turn out to sex, but clicking with the other person is like a requirement for me in order to do that ^^
     
  7. WhisperedShadow

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    First off, congrats! Anything that seems out of the norm is hard to accept in this day and age, even if it's becoming more 'mainstream' or whatever. Having finally accepted my own sexuality after a relapse back into what I was used to being comfortable with, I think I understand at least a little. Yes, I'm also younger (and American, though I don't know if that means anything or not, lol) and a lesbian, but if you've had the struggle for years, I can understand that.
    Yes, people look for sex these days. I know that there are plenty not looking for it, though. And even if that's all they are after, if you communicate your wish to not have sex, if they care even remotely they should listen. (And let's not use me as a good example of that, yeah? >.>)
    Anyway, I know I'm probably not going to be much help, but if you feel gay, well, be gay? Once you get out of that 'glass closet' you're talking about, you'll feel better. I don't know your complete situation, so I'm also not going to go beyond what I have said.
    Being you is the best thing you can be. I've been living a facade for years, and now that I'm out, I've got an ex who misses that girl I once was. He told me that I threw away the part of me he liked. Which really boils down to the fact he didn't like all of me to begin with. But I am me, he is him, an you, good sir, are you, a director, a man finding out his own. And now I must go, I also have theatrical duties to perform(Spotlight operator, woo!) so whereas the normal everyday person would simply say best of luck, I say this: Break a leg, good sir!
    ~Hugs, because kisses would be awkward,
    WhisperedShadow
     
  8. skiff

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    Yeah, how rare are we relationship seeking gays?
     
  9. PeteNJ

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    Welcome. Many of us here on the journey, with significant others/spouses, some with kids, trying to make sense of who we really are.

    Congratulations on taking the step to say " I think I might be..."

    My therapist gave me an exercise, early in working with him, to make a list of "homosexuality in my life" -- all those moments. For me, the list started at age 11 or so. And when I saw it in black in white -- all the times I was with guys, fantasized about guys, etc etc -- it was almost un refutable.

    Take your time. Nothing more amazing and liberating to know who you are and know your truth.

    After that, the rest of your life will fall into place.
     
  10. merlin

    merlin Guest

    Welcome and I hope you'll find this site as welcoming and helpful as I did when I joined (not too long ago). I'm also still trying to find my way in sorting out my feelings, but I found that coming out to a select group of friends (in my case, also my wife) helped me to feel more relaxed about being gay (or perhaps bi, I don't know and frankly, don't really care). Take your time and listen to your gut feelings. Then gradually learn to accept them.

    Hang in there. Live is like a theatre, but without a script (you must have heard that one at least a thousand times :icon_wink)
     
  11. Theatre74

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    Thanks for all the support guys. I means so much to find somewhere like this, a place here I can just babble lol. Anyway tried to approach the subject with my girl last night, she said she wouldn't mind me being bi because since I have not acted on the feelings towards men. It's a state of mind. I tried to explain but it annoyed me so much. How can something be a state of mind when it hurts so much that you can't be who you are.
     
  12. PeteNJ

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    Knowing and accepting the truth about yourself, whatever it is, is the first step to having real peace.

    Beyond that, IMO, the journey includes figuring out how you want that truth to live out in your life.

    That includes "coming out" -- no longer hiding that part of you from others. And I think for most of us the next most difficult/painful part has been accepting and saying how that looks in our lives.

    For some of us it includes staying with significant other/spouse -- though from my world of bi and gay friends, for nearly all, that means the end of the sexual part of that relationship and then opening up the relationship for each person. (to me that wouldn't be workable)

    For more of us it includes moving on, creating the space in our lives to learn, explore, take the next steps.

    Yes, it hurts a lot when you're not true to who you are, when your needs and desires are suppressed.

    My advice is to sit with the hurt and pain and not run from it. You'll learn about yourself -- seems like you already are.

    Hugs.
     
  13. Theatermama

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    Nice to see another theatre director in the same age group.
    Never hide your feelings, maybe you can even talk about it with your girlfriend
    Wishing you all the best on your journey