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Help and advice please

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MrCamus, Jun 18, 2013.

  1. MrCamus

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Williamsburg, VA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Three weeks ago my wife came out to me. I was surprised and unsurprised all at the same time. We had been having difficulties for several years, no fights or yelling just miscommunications and tensions that I never understood. I attributed this to the usual ups and downs of a marriage and parenting; complicated by the fact that I am a disabled veteran. We had been through a tumultuous seven years that had demanded constant readjustments.
    I was the first person she came out to and it was very difficult for her. I was saddened by the loss of my marriage and afraid for a now uncertain future. More than that I was very sad for her; next to our daughter my wife is the most precious person in the world to me. Knowing that she had suffered for so long denying her own identity. I can’t find words to express the sorrow in recognizing that pain in someone I love so much.
    Over the course of the following weeks we talked a great deal. A divorce would have to happen, but we would take our time with it. Our primary concern was our daughter and how to limit any negative impact on her. In the process of talking we became close again; all the distance and strangeness that had developed over the years fell away. We are best friends again, as we were when we first met and were dating. Which makes things a great deal easier; there was never any cheating, no betrayals or resentment. Instead we have jokes and sometimes inappropriately candid conversations; which has involved the purchasing of a “best beard ever.” T-shirt for the eventual coming out party.
    For me there is still a terrible sadness, I love her dearly, romantically. I know that will fade with time and a part of me doesn’t want that to happen. It’s a hard thing to go through one’s dreams and have to discard or modify them after building and relying on them.
    It’s isolating, there’s no support for this it seems. The internet is full of angry, hurt and quite frankly rather juvenile groups of men seething over some slight or offense or betrayal by their LGBT ex-spouse. That’s not me and that’s not our situation.
    So I find myself here. I read several postings from members who came out later in life after marriage and kids. Having been through it, seems like the group I need to communicate with. How can we do this as smoothly and painlessly as possible? What can I do to best support my ex? Most importantly how can I best prepare my daughter for the eventual separation (we’re still living together for the time being.) and for the challenges ahead? How can I best protect her from any discrimination or bullying she might face in the future?
     
  2. greatwhale

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    God! This can't be easy for you, but you are obviously handling this like a grown man and I admire you for it.

    There aren't enough apologies in the world for what we are putting our former spouses through, but we are trying with all our might to finally live with integrity, and there is a lot of pain to go around. You are right to try and minimize the damage to your daughter and I think it's possible.

    You will need to be there for her, cliché I know, but that means also anticipating her fears and concerns, and this is the right place to find out what those can be.

    With your wife, simply continue being compassionate, take the time to properly grieve for the marriage, insist that you also need time to process and come to terms with the situation. It appears you are ready to do this.

    We are here for you, read what we have gone through so that you can understand her journey as well.

    With compassion for you, welcome to EC!
     
  3. Chrissouth53

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Boston USA
    There actually are groups on Yahoo that support mixed orientation marriages and support married bisexual/lesbians. You and your wife should check them out.

    There is also a national group for straight spouses if you need support.
     
  4. Jeff

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Boystown, CA, USA
    I think you already have what it takes to get through this with minimal pain and minimal suffering, and minimal impact on your daughter. It is the fact that your Love for each other is real, and your hope for everyone's happiness is sincere.

    So you are in fact way ahead of the game in that respect.

    I think that the best thing you can do is state that your love is always, and your support is also always going to be there. Once one knows that that battle is not an issue, the rest will fall into place much easier. You seem to have acceptance as well as love and concern.

    The only thing here, as your stated, is that plans and dreams now must be altered (yes, life's a b#4ch). But if you have the sense of humor enough to even make a few funny jokes about the situation, as you said you have already done, I just know you are going to get through this with your wife being a best friend (still) for life, and you actually finding another love interest who connects with you all the same.

    For three weeks into this drama, and such an intense upheaval of a drama, you are really faring well.

    I don't know much about the area you are in and how conservative it is, but your wife might do better to live elsewhere eventually, like a year or two down the road.

    I think the full support of your wife and daughter's happiness is all that you really can do. It will in turn make you all the happier, and sooner.

    I am sorry about your loss, and change of plans. Go ahead and write a bit about it and share your story, it is good to get it out of you.