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It appears to be over...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by greatwhale, Jun 20, 2013.

  1. greatwhale

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    Greetings folks,

    Well, after seven or so weeks with my BF, and some very good times together, I felt I had to be honest with him about some rather strange things that he has said to me recently during our time together.

    I laid it out in a letter yesterday explaining that if he wanted to continue being with me, he would have to respect certain boundaries. I told him that I had found some of his comments offensive and insulting. I also told him that I still love him and that I hoped we could work out these issues.

    Since I sent the letter. He has not texted back or responded in any way, denying me the courtesy of formally ending our relationship. I am too old for this shit, so, in my mind anyway, it's over.

    I am not sad, nor am I devastated, really just disappointed. I am glad that I took the initiative to clear the air. If I had not addressed my concerns, these things would have festered beyond their due date (this is the benefit of experience, I think people over 50 really do have different expectations/needs from a relationship).

    He has been very generous and loving to me (without however stating in so many words that he loved me) and I was willing to continue with him, however, as I said before, a relationship must have boundaries, if certain lines are crossed, these cannot go unchallenged.

    Maybe he wanted it to end this way, if so, it was a cowardly way to do it.

    Back to the dating scene! :icon_wink
     
  2. ormanout

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    I am happy that you know yourself and your boundaries so clearly. Sorry that this wasn't the one, but I trust that he's out there, dreaming of you and eagerly anticipating the day when you will first meet.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    ...just got a terse e-mail from him. He's sending me a response via snail mail...I hate mind games (my soon-to-be-ex was a master at it)!
     
  4. Tightrope

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    We have to be careful that we don't replicate interaction patterns we don't like with subsequent significant others and friends. We say we don't want to, but we sometimes sort of do. If you don't mind, was he younger and still roaming around, which might help explain part of this, at least in a normative sense, or was he more or less a contemporary?
     
  5. greatwhale

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    No he is younger, I'm 53 he's 41, but his roaming around, as it were, was the result of past failed relationships...

    I guess you're right though, about the same interaction patterns (although I really did try to change my own dynamic), however it's never a one-way street and he has a set of his own patterns...which is probably the main drawback of older-partner relationships: the tendency to behave in a similar fashion to what "worked" (or didn't) in past relationships...
     
  6. Samson

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    Sorry for you, I hope you find someone more inline with your need asap!

    Bonne chance!
     
  7. Chip

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    Good on you for setting boundaries and bringing the issues to the forefront and not letting things fester. Sorry that doing so ended the relationship, but it definitely is better that the issue get addressed than for you to let it sit and simmer and build more resentment.

    I do think the business about snailmailing you is ridiculous, and seems to confirm that you made the right decision.
     
  8. Dublin Boy

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    Oh Fella, I am sorry to hear that, I was hoping this was the one for you, you deserve to be happy, but you have to feel 100% comfortable in a relationship (*hug*)
     
  9. greatwhale

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    Thanks Chip,

    I suspect that, along with his reply, he will send me back some notes I wrote to him during our courtship (throwing it back at my face, if only figuratively...but I have nothing to regret about writing them), I can only speculate...this will just let me stew a few more days, yeah, totally ridiculous.
     
  10. biggayguy

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    I'm sorry it ended that way. As you get older the drama wears very thin. I do hope you find someone and you can settle down together. BTW if you were closer I'd meet you for lunch somewhere. :slight_smile:
     
  11. greatwhale

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    Thanks DB,

    I had the same hope...This is a good example of the need to take your time and really get to know someone. I don't regret for a second telling him that I love him, but boundaries are there for a reason; they arise from simple self-respect.

    ---------- Post added 20th Jun 2013 at 09:39 AM ----------

    So right about zero tolerance for drama, at my age there's no time to waste!

    Thanks for the invite...:icon_redf
     
  12. PeteNJ

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    HUGS!

    Sorry things are where they are at.

    Sounds like you know your boundaries. That is healthy and wonderful.

    Take a breath, then stay on the journey!

    Pete

    SO -- the guy I've been seeing for a few months, who describes us as "friends with benefits" - is giving me mixed signals. Some days, he talks about us being together more. The next day he talks about hooking up with some guy. The next day we walk down the street holding hands. Then he introduces me as a friend. It's not so simple. Enjoy what you've got!
     
  13. greatwhale

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    Thanks Pete!

    I so hope he doesn't go into hyper-logical mode to justify his words...when I finally get his response in my mailbox...it will be exactly not what I want to see!

    Yeah, I know what you mean about the complexities of relationships, they seem particularly complex in the gay world...
     
  14. Hefiel

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    I don't really know what to say in those kinds of situation as I don't really have much experience (read none).

    Hopefully you'll meet the right person for you soon.
     
  15. skiff

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    HiArthur,

    I am sorry it did not work out. I am even sorrier about the added emotional toll on you. You don't need that.

    Anything I can do just say the word.
     
  16. greatwhale

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    Thanks Skiff,

    That's just the thing, I am surprised at how OK I actually feel! My conscience is clear, I know I'm right and I did the right thing.

    Let the chips fall where they may, I'm in a good place right now...and learning every day just how comfortable I feel navigating the pitfalls of this New World...
     
  17. EddyG

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    I've been away and just saw this, sorry to hear about this GW, but yeah at our age there's really no reason to put up with games... Glad you came out of this okay and in a good place. You'll find a good guy I'm sure!
     
  18. greatwhale

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    Thank Eddy, no worries, some loneliness but just ending a long weekend (holiday here today) so back to the fray in the morning!