After several months of great progress with a therapist and coming out to somewhere around 3 dozen friends/colleagues and two of my sisters, as well as my wife, things began to get difficult the last few days. Long story shortened...I have struggled with sexual identity my entire life and finally got to the point of suicidal ideation in February before finally getting the strength to begin coming out. I told my wife six weeks later, after acknowledging it to myself. The progression of people I've told is with intent to begin to experience what honesty felt like and frankly, it feels damn good. I have truly never been happier and less of my attention has been needed on keeping my gay self hidden. I should say, I've been happer.....until the past few days. I knew I would eventually have to bring up the topic of divorce with my wife and she, of course, freaked out. I think she must have believed that once I'd come out to her that it was complete and that my admission to her would be enough. I was leaving town, so I left her some information to read thinking that it could stimulate more conversation. We spoke on the phone while I was away, then after my return, we got into a lengthy discussion where she began to tell me that I just COULD NOT ever tell our sons/daughters-in-laws about this. She pulled the shame card and family disruption issues out and flogged me with them for nearly an hour. I have a difficult time standing up for myself in the face of such unrelenting emotional manipulation. She acknowledged that she no longer trusts me and presumes that I have a lover waiting for me and that is why this is happening. (Not true) Never once since I've come out to her has she expressed any concern for me, acknowledged that this might be difficult for me, or spoken anything that felt like a loving response. She is totally consumed with how this will look to others and what they may think or feel. I am beginning to think that she is simply a "consumer" of me, dependent upon my income, and needing me to fulfill a part of her that comes from a societal expectation. I have tried to urge to her to see someone or confide in a trusted friend, but she refuses and wants NO ONE in her circle to know. She wants to force me into the closet and I'm afraid that it's only going to get more challenging....since I'm not going back in the closet....ever again! I know I will die there. Any thoughts on how to help my wife get a healthier perspective or suggestions of books that she could be given to read would be wonderful at this stage. My deepest appreciation for your time and attention, dear ones!
That' has to be one of the most difficult things to deal with, especially after being with someone for so many years. Would it be possible for you two to remain together, w/o sex, if desired, or is it something bigger than sex?
This may be time for you both to get counselling, together and apart; some place safe (away from "The Circle") where these issues can be discussed and where your feelings can be honored and validated. Otherwise, you are at an impasse...She too is going through what you went through on the road to self-acceptance, only she has far less time to do it, she will need support as well.
We have been without sex in our marriage for several years. The challenge is that she doesn't really understand gay identity and takes a very conservative-oriented view of it. She's really reacting out of fear....fear of losing me, fear of being alone, fear of what others will think....fear, fear, and more fear. My plan is to not rush this, but help to bring her along with education, support, and hopefully counseling, but right now, she's not showing much willingness. I think I need to keep up the conversation, knowing when to let it rest and when to press....when to encourage and support....and when to let her have her own space to grieve. This is the rough part, for certain, but everyone told me it wouldn't be easy....just that it would be worthwhile in the end. That's what I most need to remember. ---------- Post added 20th Jun 2013 at 11:21 AM ---------- Thank you! I deeply value your wisdom on this website and I have to remember how she needs time and support too. If the roles were reversed, I know I would.
Friend, right now you need to take care of you. You need to help your wife get the support she needs now, but I stress *help* her get the support, not be her support. If she chooses not to, you cannot take that on. It's her life, too. Your lives are going in different directions. You can be supportive, etc. but right now she sounds angry, scared, and she's tearing you down. Boundaries -- for you, for her, are healthy. Not easy, but healthy. You have made huge strides, accepting yourself, being in therapy, coming out, and building a support network. Hang tight onto all that. And pat yourself on the back for a job well done!
