Separating, four kids, HARD

Hi, Everyone. I've been on and off EC for about a year, so some of you may recognize me. I came on last year completely in over my head, totally unhappy with my marriage. I came out seven years ago, 5 years after being married to the first boyfriend and first lover I'd ever had. My background is conservative in the extreme, and the possibility of my attractions being gay hadn't even been on my radar. So when I came out to self, I came out to my husband right away and we filed for divorce. It was nasty and messy with lots of boundary-less family involvement. The problem is that we really love and care for each other. There is just NO sexual attraction on my side. But there is emotional connection, which can sometimes override my lack of sexual desire. So when we renegotiated staying together, the deal was that I could have gay friends, have gay-friendly friends, and that we would keep communication open. That lasted TOPS 2 months, but more like 2 weeks. Within a few months we were having sex whenever he wanted (which was extremely frequent, in my opinion), upon threat of divorce if I wasn't meeting his needs. It was a super-unhealthy arrangement, but I was terrified of rocking the boat again. We stayed like that for six years.

Fast forward to last summer; My husband at that point (even though he's a truly wonderful person 99% of the time) was basically telling me to never mention gay, suppress my "weird desires" and keep going in the family way. By this time we have four children, and have lots more history together. We have both grown and matured quite a bit. Our friendship has deepened. However, I was so squashed in my soul that I started seeking therapy. Finally I got the courage to express my frustration and difficulty with our sex life. We immediately went to separation talks.

At first things were going well. He was fairly understanding, and says that above all and at all costs we should remain friends and live next door or in a duplex to keep the kids close, to share kid duties and still be "family" to each other. I'm not surprised, because aside from the unhealthy sex dynamic, our relationship has always been really good and we really enjoy each other's company. I told my therapist it's sort of like having a twin brother - someone who you're super close to, you can finish each other sentences and barely ever have disagreements because we think so much the same way and have really good communication and understanding, who you love so dearly but in a non-sexual way.

We agreed to get a post-nup to split assets and custody, but to live together until I can get on my feet and we can find a suitable living arrangement. We wanted to subdivide our lot (it's big) and build another house in back so we can literally live in the same place and change as little as possible for our lives and for our kids. Through those talks, I've never felt closer to him and never felt more honored and loved. But as we get closer to me finding a job and starting to "separate", he gets more moody. He's having such a hard time. He says he loves me desperately and doesn't want to lose me. I tell him I also don't want to lose him, but since I am gay and I have this thing that is not only sexual attraction but also emotional drive to be partnered with a woman, I can't promise that I'll never ever act on it, because it's like promising that after crossing a desert and coming to an oasis, that you won't drink. It's just something that's beyond yourself and is so innate and feeds your needs that you can't NOT do it. He understands to an extent, but it's so hard. He's hurting. He fluctuates between being loving and sweet to being quiet and somber, which I guess is understandable. The strange thing is that for me, I don't feel less or more close to him. I think it's because my love for him is different to an extent than his love for me, and it kills me to know that I've put us in this position and that I'm hurting the one person who has been my closest friend, and my partner. I am still asking myself if there is any way I can pull it off, and can stay in my marriage. Maybe if we tweaked this, or tweaked that…. I just can't seem to sever the tie, to say definitively "yes, I am leaving." I just can't do it. I can't hurt him further. It's so hard. I want to make it all better. It's just so so so so so hard. We both lose, our kids lose, and it seems so stupid sometimes, even though I feel its inevitable. He says marriage without sex or very infrequent sex is unthinkable. I say it's probably eventually inevitable. It's just this impasse. And although I know what we should probably do, I just can't seem to do it.

Any advice, suggestions, observations, encouragement? I would really appreciate some input.

Thanks.