Greetings folks, From my previous post indicating that my relationship appears over, it's now official, it is definitely over. As I expected (but hoped not) he wrote a two-page letter defending his words; when all I wanted and needed from him was a simple apology, and a pledge to respect certain boundaries. I wanted to see him fight to keep me a little, but all I got was a disappointing ramble of justifications and rationalizations. Included in the package was a brand new dress shirt he had bought for me and had intended to give me at Christmas. In my written retort (e-mail this time), I told him that I can't accept it (how could I even wear it!) and that I had to return it to him somehow. An example if there ever was one of a certain tone-deafness to doing the right thing at the right time... It hurts, I will confess, we had a beautiful thing while it lasted. Despite this, I am in no way cynical when it comes to the possibilities of a new love...this was just a painful but necessary step in learning about relationships, even at my age, regardless of gender.
Sorry to hear about this and the prolongation of the tense communications. At this point, I presume you have ceased communications or will do so after returning the shirt. I understand why you would not want to keep the shirt.
I would just give the shirt to a charity and be down with it... or is returning the shirt a last chance for him to apologize?
I thought about that, but shit, it's a really nice shirt, LOL! I don't think it was meant as a way back, his letter was quite clear on the matter, as was my retort.
^ Ok, here is a win-win-win: You like the shirt? Since you mentioned that, then wear it. As for his giving it to you, he has unloaded his guilt, to some degree. As for feeling ok about wearing it, give the equivalent value of the shirt, which you can probably price with accuracy at the big department stores, to the charity of your choice. Voila, la fin!
We're in June and he was already buying you Christmas present... All in all, sad that this happened to you. At least you don't seem to let it put you down from seeking a new relationship.
Tempting...tempting... ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2013 at 06:49 PM ---------- I am mostly thankful for having had the chance to learn something...and what to avoid the next time around! Mostly, I need to trust my instincts more...they were bang-on right from the start!
First, I'm really sorry about your breakup! As for the shirt, I guess you've made a position clear by e-mailing him and saying you can't keep it and need to return it to him. Thus, if he e-mails back (or writes another letter, sends clay tablets, or a singing telegram) indicating he wants it back, you should probably make reasonable efforts to return it. If, however, you end up "stuck" with it, I'd probably donate it to a small thrift shop. I find it...strange (maybe even spooky) that he was Christmas gift shopping so soon. Yes, it's good to start early and save money, but on a relationship that's only 2 months old or so? And why on earth would he think that you'd want said gift. In his position, most of us would be digging for the receipt to return the shirt. Or, that failing, just quietly donate it to someone. ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2013 at 09:54 PM ---------- A good way to handle the problem. The one problem: for some people the best thing to do is dump the gift because the gift would remind that person about the person giving it every time he or she sees the gift. ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2013 at 09:55 PM ---------- Yes, this is an excellent lesson.
With regard to the shirt, I can only think it was a way to make me feel guilty...a gesture to state that what looked like a long-term relationship (all the way to X-mas, at least) is no longer the case. Interesting how a gift can wound... When it comes to getting to know someone, the rabbis of old would say "kiso, koso, kaso", roughly meaning: his wallet, his wineglass and his anger. He is generous (I'll give him that), but all it took was one glass of beer for him to say something stupid, and now, his obviously angry reaction to my setting boundaries leading to this cold, silent and quite calculated reaction ...fascinating... I am thankful that I am here with you guys at EC, it has been an invaluable experience sharing this relationship with you, from beginning to end. I hope that I'm not the only one to have learned something from this, your help has pointed me in the right direction and your hearts have kept me sane! (&&&)
Not impossible. Some people might even go as far as going Christmas shopping the day of the breakup just to have a gift to throw in the face of the person they are no longer with. (Not saying that's the case here...but that I can see in general this sort of thing happening.) ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2013 at 11:57 PM ---------- Kind of frightening to me. I don't know him. But, in general, unless one really low tolerance for alcohol, a single glass of beer should not reduce inhibitions to the point where one says something so stupid that a relationship ends. It suggests to me that there is very low control of something dark. ---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2013 at 12:03 AM ---------- I'm sure others have learned from this. I think one thing I've learned, or maybe I should say realized: this situation does show me why I'm not ready to even consider trying to date. Reading what you've done, and looking at myself, I realize I'm not in a place where I'd end a problematic relationship. I'd probably let it drag out, let irritations fester, etc. This makes me realize again that I need a better feeling of self worth, and I need to lose the willingness to let things go "another week" in hopes that the problems will magically go away.
Hey greatwhale, I'm sorry for all this trouble you're going through. If he doesn't want the shirt back I'd donate it to a charity, maybe a place that helps people get employment. A nice shirt might help someone in an interview to get a good job they badly need. Take care and I hope you'll get over this soon and be stronger and better for it.
Very true. Probably the best use for the nice shirt. But it would have to go to a charity that does that and not a general thrift shop.
If the shirt can end up in the hands of someone job hunting, that would be nice. If just donating to a thrift store, my preference for something like this would be a small store. The better small stores handle stuff better, and get better customers than really large chains. Plus there is not the huge overhead to cover CEO salaries, etc.
Good ideas all! This is a long weekend here in Quebec, so I spent it entirely alone. I will confess to some loneliness (missing more the habit of speaking/texting with him), but I have friends, both here at EC and in the "real" world, no issues, just carrying on.
