Greetings Folks, Just finished watching My Dinner with Andre, one of the most fascinating and unusual movies ever made. The entire movie is simply a dialogue between two men, Wally and Andre, in a restaurant. They got to this passage which hit me like a thunderbolt: "ANDRE: I mean, isn't it amazing how often a doctor will live up to our expectation of how a doctor should look? I mean, you see a terrorist on television: he looks just like a terrorist. I mean, we live in a world in which fathers, or single people, or artists, are all trying to live up to someone's fantasy of how a father, or a single person, or an artist, should look and behave! They all act as if they know exactly how they ought to conduct themselves at every single moment. And they all seem totally self-confident. Of course, privately people are very mixed up about themselves. [Wally says "Yep."] They don't know what they should be doing with their lives. They're reading all these self-help books... WALLY: Oh! God! And I mean, those books are just so touching because they show how desperately curious we all are to know how all the others of us are really getting on in life, even though by performing these roles all the time we're just hiding the reality of ourselves from everybody else. I mean, we live in such ludicrous ignorance of each other. I mean, we usually don't know the things we'd like to know even about our supposedly closest friends! I mean...I mean, you know, suppose you're going through some kind of hell in your own life, well, you would love to know if your friends have experienced similar things. But we just don't dare to ask each other! ANDRE: No! It would be like asking your friend to drop his role. WALLY: I mean, we just put no value at all on perceiving reality. I mean, on the contrary, this incredible emphasis that we all place now on our so-called "careers" automatically makes perceiving reality a very low priority. Because if your life is organized around trying to be successful in a career, well, it just doesn't matter what you perceive, or what you experience. You can really sort of shut your mind off for years ahead, in a way. You can sort of turn on the automatic pilot! You know, just the way your mother's doctor had on his automatic pilot when he went in and he looked at the arm, and he totally failed to perceive anything else!" This really got me thinking (as the movie so successfully does on so many themes from beginning to end) about the roles that we play in our lives, about how we "live" by habit and fail to perceive reality, until it hits with such force...I played the role of husband and father for 20 years, and there are very, very few memorable moments from that time (the wedding, the birth of our children come to mind...the too few vacations we took). Living on autopilot is not living at all. I heard somewhere that a life without memories seems short. I am glad that I had the guts to love someone recently, even though it didn't work out, I will remember it and learn from it. The whole world conspires to make us boring, because it's safe, because of fear; from permanent jobs with regular salaries, to safety labels in the most ridiculous places, to handing over our privacy to the state, which promises to protect us; how far are we willing to live on automatic. Is it any life at all? This site, EC, at least allows us the opportunity to share the "some kind of hell" that we are experiencing, odd that it takes anonymity and distance in order to do so...
I hate this aspect of social interactions. The big problem I had is I didn't know who I was. I had to follow my role simply because I had no idea who I was without fitting into the role assigned to me. Now, I feel like I have a much better idea of who I am and I feel good being that person. Yesterday I went to the mall with my friend and I felt really comfortable with myself. Not only the fact that I am a lesbian, but also my body. I need to lose some weight, but I know it will happen. I just was so happy to be me, that I didn't care. I find it interesting that we admire people who step outside of the assigned roles we are supposed to follow. Society as a whole praises those who are individuals, but we all go back into our roles. If we find it so inspiring to see someone step out of their role, why do we go back into being what is expected of us?
Speaking as a person who is clinically being treated for DID: Multiple personality disorder, i'd definitely say I agree. ...And my alter, Marie Antoinette would agree, too.
I want to watch this movie; it sounds like a really interesting film. Thanks for sharing it and your thoughts. The toughest internal struggle I have is processing how I think others perceive me and judge me. I am getting better at convincing myself that what others think doesn't matter, but I'm not 100% there. That judgmental thing is a powerful force that often strong-arms me into being safe and predictable... and boring. It takes constant energy and practice to keep thinking and acting outside the box. I appreciate the reminders to not get stuck on autopilot. I don't know if I'll ever be the "crazy one," but I am trying to be more ME without worrying what others think. "What others think" doesn't correlate well with "being happy" -- and being happy is something I am seeking more of...
Thank you for your comments everyone, One thing I would also like to mention, I would urge all of us here to be clear about learning what we are and to avoid trying to fit these new discoveries into other pre-defined roles. I would hate to become "the gay guy" just after shedding the role of husband...and then have to act the part, I think many of us are struggling with the loss of a definition of who we are, and so we grasp at what seems like solid land (a new role, or label) but which turns out to be thin ice. The problem with roles is that they prevent us from truly knowing who we are actually with, in such a situation, it is entirely possible to live for decades with a complete stranger... Husband, wife, lover...what do they mean? Far better to simply say that I am with the person I am with today because he is who he is, today, and I will try to live mindfully each day with this person, and I will try to make each day a kind of adventure, where anything can happen...
