Greetings, I'm hoping someone can help me differentiate between the arousal/attraction they experienced living in-denial and that with the same-sex after coming out at a later age. A bit of background information: male, 23 years old, identified as straight for 22 years and with little sexual experience with women. Never had conscious attractions or curiosities towards men; fantasized, dreamed of, masturbated to, crushed on, and haphazardly tried flirting and pursuing women with little luck until my late teens and early twenties. That changed when I started messing around with women on another site, many who self-identified as bisexual and very much into bdsm and role playing. It didn't take long for my porn habits to start changing, from softcore to hardcore to bdsm, transexual, and femdom. I should also mention I'm a submissive, somewhat taboo in the heterosexual world... more than anything, I wanted to be dominated by a woman, but many wanted the opposite, including my two exes, so I quickly lost hope and started looking into male-male sex. Well, gay porn has been a part of my "diet" for several months, also popping up in my fantasies from time to time. I'm even starting to have trouble masturbating without it, and suffering from ED; my sex drive has also crashed as a result. Before that, I had dreams of my girlfriends pegging me or taking the lead in bed. Anyway, I've read stories similar to mine, where seemingly straight men went through life uninterested in women and relationships and sex, only to find out later that they're gay. Well, everyone I've told this story to says I sound straight, or at the most, bi-curious or heteroflexible. Though, hearing this makes my heart drop; I won't believe it, not after building a nice identity as a bi/gay man. It's like even considering that option is unacceptable. One person, Chip, says I *might* be in-denial of being gay, but are there only two options? Gay and straight? If I wasn't panicking before, I did when presented only two options from both communities, whereas before I was fine with even bisexuality. I'm actually more at ease identifying as gay: it's simple, it's convenient, it's comfortable. Yet, I *can't* come out to everyone as "gay" immediately, because I'm not even 100% sure I'm 100% gay... it feels like I'm living a double life, but I can't tell which it is (maybe both)? EC seems to have only confused me even more, hearing stories of older folk identifying as straight, being able to get it up for women and fall in love.. but did they know, or not? And could/would they do it again? It sounds like my OCD combined with medical student's syndrome, looking for any piece of information to confirm I'm gay, yet when the time comes to be honest with myself and others, I'm not sure. I did the same for weeks when I thought bird mites were invading the house, losing sleep, buying pesticides, staying up reading articles... I could live a straight or gay life for a few years, find out I was mistaken later down the line, but I'd like to know the absolute truth now. I'm sexually delayed, only having my first heterosexual experiences within the last four years, but seem to still be interested in/attracted to women, specifically dominant types. If it's worth mentioning, I'm the eldest child, had an absent misogynist father, and an overbearing and overprotective mother. I've lightly flirted with gay men I've befriended, but nothing more. I'm not opposed to experimenting, but am quite wary of anonymous sex. I don't consciously notice males, find them a bit boring, unless they look extremely womanly (another thing, I've had talks with transwomen and crossdressers before and wasn't sure how I felt about those). I just need to erase these meddling doubts!
A few points come to mind. 1. Have you consider the possibility that you're bisexual? 2. I've spent some time in the BDSM community, Dommes aren't that hard to find but if you're trying to turn a sub or vanilla girl into a Mistress no one is going to be happy. Go to a local Munch and start meeting some kinksters that are involved and active in the community. 3. GO ON A PORN FAST Seriously, no porn at all for at least two weeks. More ideally, no porn at all until you can become aroused and masturbate by fantasy alone. Porn is fun, but too much will start to screw with your head. I don't even think we can talk about the separation of attraction and arousal till you're out of the porn woods. I will touch on it a little bit though, my arousal toward men was always fear based (thus the whole BDSM thing) my attraction and arousal toward women does need to include that kink element. It's kinda fun but it isn't a requirement, with men it was to some existent.
@Femme, I actually identified as bisexual for at least three months on EC, though I'm starting to think I might have been a little to eager to embrace it, when it was merely suggested by a few users like you've done just now. Originally, I planned on having a question answered on whether or not I should worry over same sex dreams, but ended up staying and becoming involved with the forum "scene" like I do with every other forum. I started fearing I'd "switch" to the gay side and lose my attraction and interest in women, and, well, I did, but I don't think naturally. At least, my ability to maintain an erection took a hit, but everything else that points toward attraction/interest remains, much like what the openly gay men here describe with the same-sex. It might be worth mentioning the gay porn I've been masturbating to lately didn't do anything for me before, and the types involved aren't even what I would consider attractive. It's the power play - submission and domination, that appeals to me, but they've started to stick in my imagination whenever I touch myself. It's like an impulse to masturbate as fast as I can when watching porn videos, not caring who or what does it, yet on my own... nothing. Anyway, relapsed this morning. Would you count nude pictures as 'porn'? And how about masturbating alone, should I attempt that, or cut back on it altogether?
I'd cut out masturbating all together for at least a few days, and as far as nude photos go I do think they are less trouble than straight up porn BUT the idea here is to reset the sexual part of your brain so that your natural attractions can resurface. So what do you think it's going to take? No porn? No nudes? No masturbation? What's going to work as a system reset for you?
Well, it's not just the porn... I have started accepting that I may indeed be gay, and using my 'porn addiction' as a denial mechanism. Not that I don't plan on giving porn a break, but I think I have the whole sexuality issue figured out, mostly, and have just come out to my mother. Before porn, I used mostly nudes, and only a few times before that have I done it with no 'assistance'. I can try three days for beginners, unless you think longer might work?
I think 3 days is a good start. I try to go a week 2 or 3 times a year just to keep myself from getting stuck in a sexual rut, but what ever you feel comfortable with is a good start. The main thing is when you do go back to the porn, ease yourself in. Start with plain vanilla nudes and only work you're way back up to the harder stuff as needed... then fast again. It's cycle, if that makes sense?
I may be out of line here but I think you need to ask yourself who you desire a sexual relationship or sexual activity with. Do you want to have sex with women? Do you want to have sex with men? Do you want both women and men or just one choice? If you can be honest with yourself about your desire then you will have your answer. And I think the porn break is an excellent idea. Your mind will be a lot clearer. Be kind to yourself. Love, Mama
Hello Gravechild, I'm not sure I am qualified to give you advice since I am in serious need of advice myself, but I read your post and figured, what the hell. [Also, maybe commenting on your situation will help me figure out my own situation! Wouldn't that be something.] Have you ever considered putting aside all the labels (e.g., gay, bisexual, etc.)? What is the point of having a label for yourself? What does it do for you? Labels can be misleading because they tend to box a person into accepting a set of rules when no rules are needed. I consider myself to be gay because, for example, when I look at an image of an attractive, partially naked man, I don't want to stop looking. It's as though something is compelling me to savor the image. I want to touch, caress, maybe even lick the man behind the image. This is why I consider myself to be gay. I don't consider myself bisexual because when I look at images of attractive, partially naked women, I find them a bit boring (to use your words from your original post). Honestly, I don't feel much at all looking at partially naked or fully naked women, except that I sometimes wonder how often the model has to exercise to look the way she does and whether she is really happy with her line of work. And yet, I am married to woman whom I love and I actually enjoy having sex with her! Surprise! It doesn't make any sense in terms of labels. But it is the truth. All I am saying is that, in my opinion, you should not beat yourself because you like looking at, masturbating to, any particular type of image. Likewise, in real life, you should not feel weird if you find yourself attracted to a particular man or a particular woman, or for that matter, a man in women's clothing or a female in men's clothing. This doesn't necessarily make you [INSERT LABEL HERE]. You said in a later post that you think you have the whole sexuality issue figured out, so maybe all this is a moot point. But you may surprise yourself down the road at who you suddenly find yourself attracted to.
Actually, I went through with my little test earlier today by "accepting" my homosexuality and "coming out" to my parents as "I'm questioning; I might be gay" while they responded with "you don't seem sure of it" and "are you sure you're not just confused?" like so many others. Regardless, I was out as a "gay man". Well, something felt off, like I was wearing a mask. The longer the day went on, the less those porn images flooded my mind, the more I let myself enjoy women again, and the less sure of my orientation I became. I immediately noticed a change in mood once I accepted the fact that I might, in fact, be closer to straight. For the first time in days, I didn't feel anxious, depressed, weak, or confused; I wanted to suddenly do hundreds of tasks at once. What should have happened when I came out as gay happened then; I wondered why, if I were truly in-denial, would I be moving so quick to the stage of coming out, when most gay people take months or years to do so, not days after questioning. The lack of self-awareness, yet confidence in the label alone just didn't make any sense at all for me. So, it looks like I might just be another boring heterosexual... at the moment, the most "gay" I'd consider doing with another man might be drunk kissing for a dare, but it's not a need. Sure, I might be so deep in-denial even a professional can't tell, but I think I'll take my chances for now as a straight A lot of the obsessive porn thoughts are quickly fading into the background as distant memories, so I'm still committed to quitting. I'm not sure EC has a purpose for me anymore, but I'll definitely return if anything else should come up. :lol:
Stick around, if you're uncertain (and it sounds like you are) you have place here. Even if you aren't uncertain you're welcome here. That you have questioned makes you an asset to this community. I've been back and forth over the years, straight... gay... Bi... It's taken me decades of hard work to figure out who I am, each time I thought I had it figured out I felt that energized peace you're talking about. So, take your time let the understanding settle in and get comfortable before you make any statements or say goodbye to us. You are welcome and wanted here. (*hug*)
Holy crap Gravechild your post is almost exactly identical to mine ranging everything from age to how I feel about EC (no offense intended). I even had the need for awhile to tell some people that I was gay but have been finding out that I still have it for girls as well and if anything I'm on the straighter side of bi. Your not alone out there and leaving EC isn't exactly easy because of this one of the few places where we can speak our minds for the most part without being judged and its not exactly easy finding that kind of support out there which is probably the only reason I come back here. Yet I do feel that even here I am sometimes pushed into being what I feel I am not so perhaps a break would do you some good. Go! do some self discovery!
AFAIK, straight allies are welcome here. There's no need to leave. You add your unique perspective to the discussions.
I was denying my true sexual orientation for years ... at your age 5 years ago I decided not to fantasize about men anymore ... I started to fantasize about girls only and it worked pretty well ... I thought that I am attracted to girls because the idea of being gay is very scary ... when I walk in the street I don't check out the guys only the girls not because I am attracted to them but just because of the FEAR of being gay .. until that day when I couldn't deny anymore ... you can know if you are gay or not .. believe me you can . I am not saying that you are gay but what I am saying is be honest to yourself and you will know the truth . Good Luck
Thank you. I'm actually more confident and comfortable with my sexuality than I was at the time I first joined EC. I'm fine with the "gray areas", and refuse to obsess over every small exception to heterosexuality, since that sent me on an emotional roller coaster of doubt, isolation, and confusion these past several months. If in any case I do find myself seriously questioning again, I'll be sure to drop by.
Hi I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago and since then have been in and it recovery services nhs for treating depression and anxiety. I've been in therapy now for two years..I still cannot comes to terms with my identity even though everyone else (apart from my family) seem to pick up n it, so I must look butch, in ,y face which I never thought I did before I was unwell. I was a confident person, and happy with my identity sexuality. Bt something triggered off what I'm becoming. And as much as I keep trying to ,oven this is stopping me living my life as I have gone back to an unresolved time in my mind and life. Seriously it's making me feel suicidal. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror and frightened to be around adults. ESP former old friends. Have I turned? Is this just acceptance of denial? I've never wanted r had a relationship with a woman. I've always felt comfortable but feel a part of me has now gone, when I had the nervous breakdown..that's rat of my identity, the fun, happy easy going person..left me. I had a poor relationship with both parents who are narcissistic. I'm almost 40 and not looking forward to then rest of my days.:icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad:
