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An Anger Filled Future

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by worldtraveler, Jun 26, 2013.

  1. I'm different...even from someone either realizing or coming out and the EC community I'm different.

    I've been wanting to do this post for a while now but for every time I get the desire I calm down because I somehow reassure myself that everything is going to be ok and nothing will change or that I will accept this sometime. No! I'm sick of whatever the heck is going on in my head thinking that I will just accept this takeover without a fight.

    Perhaps I'm getting to far ahead of myself, allow me to begin. The questioning began about 6months ago, heck it might have even started long before that but this is when I began to realize it. I've never had much of an attraction to girls but from as far back as I can remember I've been attracted to them to a degree. I've had crushes, rapid heart beats, awkward distance stares, lack of eye contact, straight porn, etc. all for them. Never any interest in guys, gay porn once or twice when I was going through puberty, no gay experiences, etc. So when the realization came into perspective that as you can see took me completely by surprise. A surprise I will curse until my dying breath! Even now I look back and still don't see the evidence but then Hell struck with furry I can't even put into words that to this day still haunts me 24/7.

    Oh how I will forever remember the night that it hit me that I may be gay. I spent it in the bathroom throwing up from what I thought was just a panic attack. Well that panic attack lasted weeks. From there paranoia, depression, and the anxiety struck. I remember them all well and despise them from the bottom of my heart. They stole my life! I couldn't be around friends I have known for years and have considered brothers, I couldn't look at other guys just running down the street without some form of a jolt striking, I lost will power in all aspects in my life. I even had moments where I thought I was gay, bi, asexual, and straight for sure and that I was just losing it. I think in the big picture I have.

    That is perhaps a fraction of the perspective of my life these last few months. No amount of me ranting can express the sadness, anger, betrayal, sense of loss and emptiness...the hate...I have experienced. How others haven't noticed is beyond me. Perhaps they have and are keeping their mouths shut, especially my parents. I live at home and now I distance myself from them by playing my stupid video games or being on the internet. I avoid them when all my life they have done everything to make me feel special and accepted and to always be myself. They are probably why I was able to come out of my shy shell and make the loads of friends I have. From someone who has always expressed being kind of an asshole I have loads of friends who mean more to me then anything and now I can barely stand being in the same room as them. Why this curse?

    Then there is the obsessing. The constant relenting questioning. It never stops! I haven't had one day to myself to think of the things I use to. I calculated the hours spent obsessing about this and found that I have spent at least 2700 hours constantly thinking about this in the last 6 months alone. Its there the second I wake up till the moment I go to sleep. I use to dream all the time of seeing the world, going back to college, and meeting a wonderful woman. Now all there is some resistance in me that wants to come to the surface and make itself known. Why? Why can't I have time to myself to figure this out. When you force something upon someone, especially me, there will be friction and resistance. When something of this scale it will fight hard but so will I. I refuse to give whatever the hell is going on in my head satisfaction that it can just take over my and change my life with nothing more than a thought. How I wish I could literally rip it out of me and yes I say it because that is all this change, realization, or whatever you like to call it deserves.

    Haha oh how I feel the changes even now trying to control my emotions while I write this and I hate it and I want to hate it. I don't understand...from all of these posts that I'm for some unknown reason addicted to reading how is it that I have yet to read one person anything like me? Not one...Everyone I read about who comes out later or secretly has known and done it to hide from the world for fear of judgment. Why hide it? It would have been a pleasure had I known when I was younger and I had known and had I had the privilege of having a crush on a guy. But now all the pleasure I will get will be denying part of me that apparently does desire it. Perhaps if this would have come about when I was younger I would have embraced it maybe even if it had been in a less take over way. Not now. I will never forgive my subconscious for hiding this and then activating a complete and utterly ruthless take over of my own being. No I can't beat gay but I sure as hell will not give it the satisfaction that it strives for. Its times like these that I wish that I was suicidal and this whole mess would be over yet sadly I am not. I guess its just another weak aspect of myself. Maybe this is a stage of denial and I have had times where I feel it is and if it is I want it be the one that I stay on. It will only strengthen me and I look more forward to the war it brings!

    This feels so good. The more I write the stronger my anger becomes. I'm naturally a defensive and quick to anger kind of person and even that was robbed of me when the questioning began. This gives me more satisfaction then virtually everything that has happened during this time. I know I'm young (23) and that many of you will say that its who we are and there is nothing we can do but live our lives and that society was just forcing its heterosexual lifestyle on us. I was happy living the life I had and I got to say that the only conforming I feel is coming from this gay part of me taking over. I don't think there is anything more conforming then this and I think you will all agree.
     
  2. skiff

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    Hi,

    You are angry right now. I expect anger from you so it is OK...

    People living in denial are often happy with their lives. It is not until reality strikes and the denial lifts they start processing the emotions. Add to that the weight of the denial and the complications the denial has introduced.

    If indeed you are gay as you state the war has been been going on since puberty till your realization you were gay. Denial has lost the war. There is no curse, there is no battle, there is nothing wrong with you. Even the denial has left the battlefield.

    Now your life starts. You won 't appreciate this yet but "congratulations".

    Find people to talk to. Find a gay friendly counsellor.

    You don't see it now but you will be fine.

    The battle is over. You won, your true self beat down denial. You are stronger than you imagine. Give yourself time to heal and settle.

    Your anger is the death cries of denial.
     
  3. The war is over? No I think not. I gave it the chance to end and to allow the take over commence, but it did not and has only sent me lies since then. This doesn't end unless I say it does, and I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

    I don't know where you got the idea that I have been fighting this since puberty but these long months have stretched so much that is perhaps that is what it feels like. No this happened in the blink of an eye over a night's span. From there, the suffering began.

    I like how you state there is nothing wrong with me. That is a joke. I'm a mess in ways you couldn't even begin to imagine all because of this. Things have changed in me that have given me a perspective on life that I will forever despise. Perhaps you think you went through the same experiences as me but you did not I assure you.

    Gay counselor? Not now not ever. If anyone ever tries to tell me what to do about this or how to go about doing stuff I will not be held responsible for my actions after. I have no desire to come out to anyone about this. Besides they are no different then everyone else. Lets face it if your straight then you tell people not to embrace it and if your gay you say don't hide it. In the end I trust no one.

    Haha my life started the day I was born, the day I met my best friend, the day I drove a car, the day I went to college, the day I had my 1st kiss, and the day I began to travel. My life does not start now when this plague upon my mind says I am now and disregards my past like it was garbage and ruins the life I loved so dearly. I shall never have any relationship with a man if only out of spite for what this has taken from me. My life starts the day this obsession ends and it will either end by itself or I will make it.

    I thank you for taking the time to talk to someone who views this as a negative (which it is to the extreme case) but I'm not normal. No I'm far from it in fact and hard to believe you would never believe it from a distance. The only way one could tell is if they looked at the rage right beneath the surface. I have given this gay side a chance after it virtually consumed me and it failed to take. Now all I want is it out of me by any means and how I would love to crush it in my own hands to give it an idea of what I have felt.
     
  4. 2112

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    You're angry now and feel like it's ruining your life, but you won't feel like that your whole life. You'll get over it. You'll disagree with me now, but being gay isn't really a big deal. It's not like your whole life has to change, just one part of it. You wouldn't have been happy with a wife, you're gay. I'm sure you've read how those marriages work out. Being gay isn't a choice and can't be changed, so it's not just going to go away. It's perfectly normal and there are millions of other people going through the same thing. Your future isn't full of anger. It will get better.
     
  5. arturoenrico

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    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm much older and am just accepting myself now and it is creating tremendous emotional upheaval. Worldtraveler, you are going through this too alone and it doesn't sound like you would trust anyone right now. Unfortunately, all that time with these angry ideas spinning around your mind is going to make you feel worse in every way. You don't need someone to tell you what to do but you do need someone who can help you clarify what you're thoughts and feelings are and how to manage them. You have a long life ahead of you, a very long life, you can be happy, given time to figure out who you are and how to handle it. Yes, take the leap, find a supportive, qualified therapist who can listen to you privately and help you recover your positive, successful, sociable, happy side.
     
  6. gravechild

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    Hey, it seems like you've acknowledged your sexuality on some level, at least, and that's more than I can say for myself. It also sounds like you're still working through the acceptance stage of coming out, as well as the anger stage of the five stages of grief. All perfectly normal, and actually positive, when you consider how much further you are from many guys coming to terms with their sexuality in their forties plus.

    I'm glad I got my taste of "normalcy" - all the more reason to see how it was flawed and didn't work for me. I'm also positive I'll be able to bat for the other team much better than I had with the first one. Should have known something was up, when friends and strangers alike constantly made bisexual and homosexual references, then how I started becoming more comfortable watching gay television shows, checking out lgbt books, scanning through dozens of EC articles. I knew there was a change taking place, but if you had told me I was "gay", I wouldn't have believed you and said to f*** off.

    Anyway, you're right: you're not like the others, since there is only one you. Our sexualities, regardless of what they may be, don't define us anymore than our sex or hair color. It's probably not going away, so it's best to make some peace with it sooner or later. Some people can take years, decades, before they settle with the fact. I'm still surprised at how quickly I seem to be losing "interest" in women, but then again, I'm not exactly chasing guys down the street.

    Sooner or later your obsession will end, but realize that there is more to this life than whom you are attracted to. I wouldn't obsess over it anymore than necessary, honestly, and it helps to keep occupied elsewhere and to reach out (which you're doing, in a way). This is *huge*, on the same level as hearing you have some fatal illness, or that someone you knew just died.

    Just keep fighting and you'll make it through.
     
  7. arturoenrico

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    Hate and anger are very stressful emotions to endure for the long term. Find someone you trust to talk to.
     
  8. Jeff

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    You do need some real hugs I think.
     
  9. PeteNJ

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    Doesn't it feel great to realize this about yourself?

    To let it all go now that you know and get that you're gay?

    All those hours thinking and obsessing -- you're freed from now!

    Enjoy being a gay man. Completely. Its who you are, who you always were, and will always be. Wake up knowing you're gay. Go to sleep knowing you're gay.

    And all those hours in between -- are yours now. To live, create, laugh, play.

    Glad you're here on EC.
     
  10. Fellow

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    You can believe every word of it, I too spent way too many years obsessing about it, tried to fight back, tried everything and what good came from it? None. I just ended up lonely with no reasons to live for. Yet, these last few days have been quite a personal journey, the other day I was on TeamSpeak as usual, talking to some friends of mine and out of the blue some random guy just joins our channel and asks away "Why do you think society can't deal with homossexuals?" and I was like "This guy just read what's going through my mind for the last few years" and to my surprise he asks us if we're gay and I can't deny it anymore so I just said yes, to what my friends just replied "Wow that's gross man, don't know if I can ever hang out with you again" (ofc now I have to rethink who really is my truthful friend, but that's a whole other issue) , but on the other hand that one guy I did not know at all just said "It's ok, you are who you are". God those words just made my day, probably my year.
    My thought is: If some random person can accept you for who you are, why can't you allow yourself to do the same?
    Take it from me, took several years just to admit i could be gay, got through depression and so on and now that I think back, I never tried to be myself, I'd only try to fit in.
    An advice from someone still really unexperienced, live in society definetely, but don't let society rule your life.
     
    #10 Fellow, Jun 28, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2013
  11. skiff

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    Hi,

    Nothing has changed you are simply consciously aware of it. This has raged in subconscious denial since puberty. Since you are aware of it now "denial" is losing or in its death throws.

    If you need to lash out that is ok. Your feelings will change as you see things more clearly.

    Get the rage out, we can take it, EC will not abandon you. We are here to help.

    Inspite of your anger you know that.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2013 at 05:49 AM ----------

    Possibly this will help, we have all been there;

    ===
    The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with what we have lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief ‘s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.
    ===

    We don't exactly what you feel but we know the terrain in 20/20 hindsight.
     
    #11 skiff, Jun 28, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2013
  12. AKTodd

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    I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and upset right now.

    That said, I would point out that being gay is part of who and what you are. In fighting it and hating it, the only thing you are fighting and hating is...you.

    Also, I just have to ask...what about being gay is so awful that you need/want to fight it in the first place? Please be as specific as possible.

    Todd
     
  13. Aldrick

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    Welcome to EC, Worldtraveler.

    I hate to be the one who brings you the bad news, but what you're feeling and going through isn't unique. There are people who understand, and there is nothing that you've experienced since your realization that others have not also at some point felt or experienced themselves.

    I personally know what it is like to be filled with hatred and anger. Actually, no - anger is the wrong word to use. Rage. Seething and uncontrollable rage. I know what it's like to feel like you're simultaneously about to be crushed and explode from that rage. I know what it's like to curl into a ball and physically tremble and shake because you can't control it - it's almost like being in physical pain.

    Anger is a stage of grief that we experience when coming to terms with our sexuality. You're not in denial and you're not bargaining. You're raging against it and are trying to fight it... but you're not going to win. The irony of your situation is that the more you rage against it the more it consumes you, and the more it consumes you the angrier you'll become... but there will eventually be a point when you realize you've lost your battle. That's when you'll come crashing down hard and fast. That's when depression hits.

    You're free to fight it for as long and as hard as you like, but there will come a point where you get tired of it. Where the struggle just wears you down... and when that happens, we'll be here waiting for you to give you the support that you want.

    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but that's the truth. You may not accept it now, and simply reading it may make you even more angry. However, when you're ready we'll be here.
     
  14. Lexington

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    I can see some of me in your post. Mainly in the early part. The assuming I was straight, the occasional increased heartbeat when looking at a girl, jacking off to straight porn. And the rather sudden realization that guys did it for me far more than girls ever did.

    I'd say the main difference between thee and me lies what happened afterwards.

    Yeah, I was stunned by this revelation. I mean, shouldn't I have KNOWN? So I kept it to myself for a bit, and just mulled it over in private. I didn't have access to porn back then, so I just fantasized about guys. And my sex drive revved into overdrive every time I did. I'd occasionally find guys out and about that I found attractive, which had never happened before. And after a few months, it was clear that this wasn't some sort of phase...this is just how I was wired. And then...

    ...and then, I just started telling my friends about it. "It's weird - I've finally realized that I'm gay. I hope you don't mind me telling you this, but you're my friend, and I'm assuming you can handle it." And you know what? They were all cool with it. Some had questions. A few took some time to come to grips with it. But they were all fine with it in the end. They were supportive and helpful and everything friends were supposed to be.

    ...aren't your friends like that?

    Lex
     
  15. germanion

    germanion Guest

    Hello Worldtraveler

    I just want to share with you my little experience in this .First of all I know exactly what you feel right now .. I joined this forum 3 weeks ago ... I was full of anger .. I was scared ,terrified , I was in a relationship with a girl whom I loved and whom I wanted to spend my life with ...I was in a very bad condition(I think you saw my thread) .. I thought I would never accept the idea of being gay .. I thought that I will fight it till the end .. you have no idea how powerful the denial is ...

    I will give you 2 advices which helped alot to survive :
    1) Read about it in scientific way .. this is science.. the more information you gather the more comfortable you will feel ...Knowledge is power.. I realized that fighting homosexuality is not a choice ... you born with it and it will last till the end ... I am sorry if this looks scary but this is a fact and you have to deal with it ... accepting this fact is the only way that will help you to get back on the track .. and believe me it is not as bad as it seems .

    2) listen carefully to the advices the guys here are giving .. Skiff,Aldrick and all the other guys gave me valuable advices which helped me alot to relax and to accept myself ... they have experience in this issue which I am sure will help you alot (ofc if you listen to them and implement the advices they are giving) .

    I can't tell you that I am happy now .. No I am very sad ..today I saw a couple in the train station kissing each other I felt that I wanted to cry... but I am not depressed anymore ... yesterday was the first night I slept for 6 continuous hours without waking up every one hour and without having nightmares about me being alone forever and about my gf being with someone else...today is the first day I am able to focus again on my study and job... so you see! things are getting better and it will get better for you too :slight_smile:

    I am not too young and I am not old .. I am 28 .. but the earlier you discover this fact and deal with it the happier you will be ... this is good news for you ..

    Good Luck my friend :slight_smile:
     
  16. Let it be known that I have read your posts and will get back to you. I just spent the last hour writing my heart out, however due to this damn thing logging me out yet again I have lost all my hard work and I now hate this thing more then ever.

    Sorry I needed to vent that now so I don't go completely insane. Ill get back to this soon when my blood isn't boiling and I don't want to smash my computer into a billion pieces.
     
  17. Tightrope

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    I delayed writing something because I had to read all your posts. Your anger comes across, but has posting what you are thinking and feeling helped relieve some of the pressure you feel? You've come to some realizations, and possibly not in a schedule that would have dovetailed what you were expecting as your life unfolded. You are not alone in this journey and, while all the stories are different, the depression, fear, and anxiety are shared by all. Thus, your feelings are understood and valid. I think that, what I read the most, is that you have a lot of friends who you value and value you, and the outcome of how sharing more of yourself will affect this. That's understandable, but most people are more malleable than you think. This is a small aspect of defining you, though right now it's taking a lot of energy, but you obviously have so many other attributes that obviously make you unique and sought after. What was really cool reading is that your parents view you as special, accepted, and want you to be yourself. That's important and has a good tone about how good the people in your life are. If the anger continues and brings additional negativity, please consider a safe, supportive, and qualified counselor to talk with. This part is not easy, but it can be helpful. I'm holding good thoughts for you.
     
  18. link4816

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    It's the worst when this thing logs you out! I discovered that you can hit the back button, slowly and carefully, and your post will remain intact. We're all waiting to hear what you say next, so get on it. :slight_smile:
     
  19. Before I begin let me just say I had no desire for a following on here. Although nice to have other's opinions and comparisons, that was not why I did this. I did this to vent and to vent only. I have no desire to calm down, talk it over with you guys, or even seek advice. Perhaps that is rude of me but it is the truth. You all have your own lives and situations to deal with and that is what you should do. Don't waste your time trying to give me a hand when all I would do is push that hand away. You are all better people then I and hope you know that. Also I wish you all could have seen my real post from the other night that I lost. That was much more of what I really felt but this will have to do.

    How is it that you all take it's side? This thing has robbed me of all that I was. There is nothing in my life that I take enjoyment from anymore. It came and conquored in the form of a war. I don't like wars. War means that something attacks something else and loser must submit to the winner's will or go on till one or both sides are destroyed or one leaves. That is the result that I hope for.

    Again it tries to calm me down. Don't try to calm me down you abombination let me rage. Again I ask why take it's side? Its like being forced to comform to its will and desires. Its not me and not what I wanted. No I won't stop fighting. I never looked at men and if I did I didn't see anything else. With girls I did. I had seen futures and possibilites. Now when I look upon a women I almost feel revulsion. I dispise it for that I never felt this way before. It even felt like a magnet one night at a pool party with my friends being with girls in tight suits that I had looked forward to for a long time and my head fought me. It doesn't even fight fairly and it fights with dirty tricks. Now I'm forced to envision a future with men and doing things that disturbed me. You know what happened after my 2nd time forcing myself to pleasure myself to gay porn? (My 1st I had no desire to finish to them)Yes I felt the sense of it being wrong and gross, but to be honest I coudn't focus on that over trying to get my vomit in the toilet. How the hell am I suppose to get pleasure from that? No I won't give in to that. I'm still thankful that the gay fantasies and gay porn I have forced upon myself have done nothing for me and that I can at least still get horny thinking of women. But I'm sure that is a lie as well.

    Society pressures us blah blah blah...I'm so sick of people blaming it on society and fitting in with the 'norm'. I was in the norm because I was 'norm' I didn't care about your lives and you didn't care of mine. You know what that is? That is the norm. The only norm is your own existance not what others think. If you want to be with the same sex then do it but when your head forces you to do it when it goes against what you have known that is not the 'norm' that is an abombination that creates its on way in the world. We view ourselves negatively because we are being forced with no options until we give in. Am I saying fight? No, do what you want but do not encourage me to embrace something that has come upon me in its own accord and plagued me. Face it I wasn't even designed from a genetic perspective to thrive. I was put on this planet to make the alphas of our species to extend their dominace so they could continue their reproductive process. I apparently cannot do either of those. If we were the majority in society we would cease to exist as a race. Without straight people there is no society, but at the moment I could give a damn.

    You all compare yourselves to me, but you are not me! You have no idea what types of pain and torment this thing has put into my head. No, none of you have suffered from the way I have. You all came to the realisation that you are or are perhaps questioning yourselves strictly on your sexual orientation and I wish that was all that it was going on in my head. You all came to the conclusion that that is not what it was and that you are sure that is what it was and that you weren't lying to yourself. Let me ask have you heard of HOCD? Of course you have, most of the questioning people on here blame whats going on with that on here. You know what they have in common? Its a standalone problem and OCD is not a stand alone problem. Things adapt fears changes skipping from one to another. Do you see where I'm going with this? No probably not. How good is your grip on reality? Better then mine I'm sure. I was convinced this was fake that it was a phase, OCD, lies, but perhaps if I've been wrong about this what is there to stop the other horrors of my mind from being lies?

    I have to fight! I have to hate this! I have to fuel my anger! Without it I have no idea where to go. I don't want anything to do with the life it forces upon me. Now I hide all the time. Reading my damn books, playing stupid games, and looking upon the internet and comparing myself to others on this sight. I have special hate for this. I feel if many of these posts are why I'm paranoid. I need to get away from this site and others like it so I can live again. I'm tired of going on like this. Women have turned off for me and to be honest even guys don't do anything for me. Just an emptiness, a hollow point where my life use to be. It has robbed me of the beauty of the world where I dreamt of seeing it. Now all I want to see is a barrel looking at my eyes...yet that is not who I am...this I know. I wish I could say that I was suicidal but that is one aspect of my life I am not. No I must continue to suffer. I will never forgive my subconcious from hiding something like this from me (or lying) and I will never stop being angry because I need to be!
     
  20. I have ocd and my therapist thinks I may have hocd cause I am convinced I am gay and have tried to be gay so many times and I just keep bouncing back to men. I also have many other ocd symptoms which all suck. I think for you it would be helpful to find a therapist to speak to, someone who specializes in anxiety/ocd and lgbt issues. They say the only way to beat an obsession is to accept that its there and live your life with the noise in the background - easier said than done. Good luck with your journey Worldtraveler.