Hi everyone. I have been viewing this site for a while now and just decided to join. I am a 65 year old married man and have been gay all of my life. I knew when I was young that I was Gay but went on to find religion and got married. I have been married for over 40 years to a wonderful woman. But after a life changing illness I found that I could no longer live the lie. So six months ago I began once again seeing men after a very long time. For the last ten or more years I had no sex with my wife not that it had been good for many years anyway. So regretfully I did the craiglist thing. As you may guess I picked up something. I am not proud of myself. I am in the midst of testing. Had a small lesion on my penis which the dr though was syphillis. I was tested for it and it came back negative, also for clymidia negative. (excuse my spelling please not words that I knew before this) But the dr tells me that I have to wait another two weeks for testing since it could be a false negative for syphillis. So I will go for blood tests in two weeks again as well as be screened for H I V. I really show no symptoms other than the lesion which is almost healed in about a week. Due to this problem I decided to come out to my wife. So far she is understanding but I am not sure for how long that will last. I am so scared that I may have caught something. This really sucks the possibility of sickness just for being human. I guess I am looking here for some support and I hope that someone will help me through this cause the waiting sucks big time. I have a lot more to tell but I will save it for a later time. Thanks whyme10:help:
Welcome to EC whyme10 I do hope the wait for results is not too stressful.. and you get good news you will find plenty of people here to give you support. sounds like you have a lot going on right now! look forward to hearing more from you
Sorry you're in such a situation, but I think it's good you told your wife rather than keeping a lie to your grave. After so many years of marriage, you two probably have a good understanding for each other, but you might tell her she is not obligated to stay if she doesn't want to. If she didn't know already, she might have self-esteem issues of her own (i.e. not recognizing the signs) and go through a kind of loss process. Please remember that HIV is not a death sentence anymore and can be managed. There is really good research being done throughout the world for treatments.
Hi back: I think that there's a lot going on right now, and it sort of happened relatively suddenly. For one, consider yourself fortunate that you have honest dialogue with your wife. You might be able to at least live under the same roof for quite a while longer, especially if sexual intimacy is not a big part of the equation. I've brought this up before, but only because I was impressed with an interview he gave - UK athlete Gareth Thomas continued to live with his wife for a good while after opening up to her because they had become good friends during their marriage. As for the sexual health issues, I'm no expert, but the vast majority of things picked up are bacterial and treatable, or are some skin to skin viral things which they say heal and "shed," and make people less apt to infect others over time. The fact that the lesion is healing is a good thing. I'm hoping the rest of your tests come back negative and ease your mind. And in the future, take it easier, slower, and use a safe(r) route. The thing with sexual health is that younger kids and others who come out later and rather rapidly don't know the landscape, though there is plenty of information about how to handle oneself in sexual matters for optimal health. Here's a website I once found, which tells what infections are out there, methods of transmission, and relative risk. SFCC :: STD Basics : STD Risks Chart You can click around the whole site. Some of their positions on certain things are more relaxed than other professional opinions, but it's a good baseline since I'm sure they're quite experienced, being based in the Bay Area. Welcome.
Welcome to EC! :welcome: As someone who is not myself sexually active but plans to be soonish, I can say that there aren't enough precautions that you can take. Like has been said, most stuff that you can get is very treatable, and even HIV isn't the death sentence that it once was. It's very manageable. That's not to say that you WANT any of these things, in fact you'd probably want to get vaccinated against everything that it's possible to be. Let's hope that the tests come back and everything is fine, and don't stress out too much over what you can't change (*hug*)
Glad you're here! It's a journey. I came out this year, and it has been a great year! Take care of your health, enjoy who you are, and find happiness. Pete
Tightrope Thank you. I had gay relations all through my younger years. If you think acceptance is difficult now try the 1960 s. So that and religion going to fix me is why I got married to my wife. You are so correct about beginners. I really played it safe at first. But one time a few weeks ago met Mr wonderful quite by accident and do not even know his name. Before that I started playing around and calling myself bisexual. That didn't last long it took me a short time to understand that I have always been gay. The intimacy with a man is so much more fulfilling to me. And I have learned that it is not all about sex either. With that said I have met a wonderful man about my age and we truly enjoy each others company. We have been dating for a couple of weeks now. It is amazing to me how easy it is to develop this relationship. It is what I have longed for all of my life. But now I have to wait for my tests to come back before we are together. I guess what I really needed is just the opportunity to talk to others in my situation. You reply is very much appreciated. Thank you so much for the encouragement about diseases. I feel that there is a low risk of H I V since I have only had oral sex but they say it can and does happen. So I will wait and worry for a couple of weeks. whyme10 ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2013 at 11:37 AM ---------- Thanks rainbowman and Pete you encouragement is so appreciated.
Hi, You only have a few years on me so welcome to the cotillion. Well many of us have been dancing this jig never realizing how common it is. I can only offer my support in your STD testing. Fear of herpes simplex1 and HIV altered my youth. They terrified me. Kept me monogamous or asexual. I am sure you lived that too and are kicking yourself now. Big bear hug of support goes out to you.
Besides hiv, I think pretty much everything is treatable and even hiv takes in some cases several years to show any signs and even at that point there's medication and treatments to help you, in fact with the right precautions, one can live all their life and not die due to the hiv. Now a whole different matter, safe sex always, there is not a 100% sure method, but better safe than sorry later as my folks use to say. As to your wife wish you good luck and if she's understanding it and taking it well for now, don't stress about the future, be happy for now.
Hi, being 20 the shadow of the "gay plague" in the early 80's never chewed on you. It left an irrational fear on me. I know it is 2013 and science has changed but being there left its mark on all who passed through it and lost friends and loves to it. That is why our new friend is fretting.
Thanks Skiff and fellow for the support. Yes skiff I regret my earlier decisions. Funny Skiff you are actually quite close to me. I am in lower New England maybe 100 miles or less from you small world huh. I appreciate every ones support. I will do my best as well; to be there for others. I have no symptoms of H I V and really at my age whats a few years anyway I guess.. :icon_bigg My biggest problem with H I V is that if I do have it I will have to curtail my love life I would never want to knowingly infect another person. That would be so unfair. I would rather be celibate. :icon_sad:
Hi, We are everywhere whyme10. I would not be surprised if HIV drove a large bubble of gay men into hetero marriage. Hetero-marriage had better survival odds than HIV in the early 80's. You will feel better when the tests come back. It is the waiting that is horrific. Imagination is powerful. ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2013 at 03:34 PM ---------- Nobody can kick a 65 year old harder in the butt than the 65 year old themselves. You be easy on yourself.
Skiff Thanks I appreciate your comments. I am trying to be easy on myself. I go along fine and then it comes back to haunt me when I least expect it. But I have been myself now for several months and it has been the best time of my life. No secrets to myself no gay porn addiction. ( well maybe a little) :icon_bigg I have met the best man I have ever known so kind so gentle. I only hope it lasts . Knowing the way some gay men are who knows. But for now it is great. If it continues I will be very happy. Thanks again for the support. Whyme10
Yes I've watched some documentaries about that issue and I obviously can't understand what you have been through but this information is now out everywhere and it's never a waste of time passing it through to people that may haven't got it yet. On my country the latest statistics say that hiv is increasing again among homossexuals, but mainly in the age group of 44+ yo, this said, you can tell that people that lived through that period are commiting the same mistakes. which makes information I posted a "must know of" nowadays.
Just wanted to add that I saw my DR today and all tests were negative. He still has no answer for why the lesion on my penis. I actually think it may have been a cut due to rough sex. It did heal up in much less time than they say it takes for a chancre. Thanks all who knows but I am a happy guy.
Congratulations! And, I should say that while HIV is not 100% fatal like it was, it is an extremely serious disease that currently is virtually impossible to cure, except for a handful of people. The virus actually incorporates itself into the DNA of cells, and it can remain unseen for years.
