Hi all, I've been lurking for awhile and finally joined today. I actually know quite a few out lesbians my age and older "in real life" but they know me as straight. I know now that I am not straight. I want to date women. I am questioning whether I am bi or gay. I made a point to chat with 3 lesbian friends at church today and then my daughter had a play date with the son of a lesbian couple I know. The whole time I wanted to somehow say "I want what you have" or "I might want what you have." This may be a really dumb question, but how so I tell them "I might be like you"?
Hope - You've come to the right place I am a 65 year old Bi Male who has been with other men for the last number of years Suggestion - read postings here - watch for women who respond to your posting Assume all on here are acting in "good faith" based on their own perspective
I've been thinking about my question. I guess I'm really asking about coming out. Starting with my lesbian aquaintances and friends feels like the right place to start. Why do you think?
They will be accepting, and I think that's always important when you first come out. Honestly, I would just go for it. They're not going to judge you, and it may help for you to have someone you know to talk about it to. It definitely helped with me.
Hi I have found its easiest to start with women I know are gay.. The first person I discussed my feelings with was one half of a lesbian couple who were/are friends. At least you know the reaction will be positive. Good luck!
Hello Hope Floats, I agree with Holly. These people, regardless of whether they are straight or gay, are your friends. They'll support you, and given that they are "in the lifestyle" (as I've recently learned is a phrase), they're even more likely to support you. I imagine, too, that they will be really open to answering your questions. I've just started seeing someone, and her lesbian friends have been warm and welcoming--I can't imagine your friends would be any less to you. And I don't have any lesbian friends (that I know of, anyway) and have come out to all of my straight girlfriends over the past few weeks. All of them--even the religiously conservative ones--have been very supportive, even if they're not quite sure what to say. So I say pick the lesbian friend you're most comfortable with, take a deep breath, and just tell her. --Zoe
Thanks Zoe. That's really encouraging! How did you meet the woman that you're seeing? Every gay woman I know is either a lot older than I am or in a relationship. So the idea of finding women to date now that I realize that's exactly what I want seems daunting. But that is the next bridge. For now, just being able to talk openly and honestly would be like coming to an oasis in the desert.
Hi, Your age would be key... In my opinion and experience... If you are older than 40 don't talk to straight friends about gay relationship issues. If you are under 30 friends may be useful. This is due to generational attitudes I have encountered. There will be exceptions but I seek answers to gay issues amongst gay people.
Hello Hope- I tried to write a message on your wall, as I think I'm about to get off the topic of the original thread, but you don't seem to have a wall, so I'll post here. I'm so glad my post was encouraging. And I know exactly what you mean about the relief that come with the ability to speak to someone openly and honestly about who you are and what you're feeling. It made me feel like my life got larger. As far as meeting women, I have to confess and say I met the woman I'm dating on a dating website. We're not allowed to mention specific sites here, so I can't say which one, but there are dating websites that are tailored to lesbians. And I guess I just got lucky. She was the first one to make contact with me, and we've really hit it off. And no matter what happens between us, she has been a tremendous resource for me. I know that sounds cold, and I don't mean it to. It's just that she's opened the door to my town's LGBT community. I'm not sure how I would have gotten to know these people otherwise. Not that they wouldn't have been open to it, just that I wouldn't have known how to go about it on my own. But take heart because there were many women on the dating site that were my age and older. Dating websites aren't for everyone, and I think before this experience I would have said they weren't for me--I was mostly just messing around when I made my profile. But if you decide to take that route, I think you'll find that you have more options than you think. --Zoe
I didn't come out until I knew I had a support group so I came out to lesbian friends. They are very supportive and very protective. When a budding relationship started looking bad when I first came out they let me know what to do about it. Nipped that one in the bud. They are supporting me right now. Very nice! Zoe, I also met somebody online and I kind of have the same attitude (whatever will be will be). I am infatuated by this girl and we seem to get along very well. She knew I was a newbie and I actually asked her to show me "stuff" and she has been very willing (as have I - LOL). I kind of pursued her even though I had other women contact me. She responded, thankfully. The rest is history. I hope the history lasts awhile!
I enabled the option so I have a "wall" now. I made another post that I did talk to my best friend (who is straight) about this. She encouraged me to talk to one of my lesbian friends. I'm such a wimp! I am 38 years old and went through a period of 5 years when I dated men and women pretty openly. Then I ran back in the closet and slammed the door. No one I know now is aware of my bi past. My best friend doesn't think I need to go into all that detail because it will make me seem wishy washy. I also feel like a fraud havin known these women who have been out to me and I never mentioned that hey, I used to date women too 15-20 years ago. Do y'all have any thoughts on that? Should I say I'm interested in dating women now and leave it at that or mention what happened in 1994-1999?
To some extent it depends on your reasons for explaining yourself. If you are simply trying to inform a person (e.g., to let them know you're "in the market", so to speak), then simplicity is probably best...and all that is required. Certainly if you get closer to someone, there'll be plenty of opportunity to share more of your background. On the other hand, if you are having this conversation to make yourself fully understood to others...so they'll get your identity and who you are...then I could see wanting to relate the whole story. Just remember that nobody is ever entitled to your entire life history.
Holy cow. I just emailed an older lesbian friend from church. I told her I was nervous about it but that I wanted to talk to her about it. I told her that I think I'm gay. OMG. Talking to my friends feels more right to me than jumping into dating.
We talked and I feel so much better. Like a million times better. But I've still got some self acceptance to do. I couldn't say "I'm gay" but talked around it. Next time ill say it!
Hope-- You've taken a huge first step, and if talking to your friends before jumping into dating sounds right, then by all means, it's the right thing for you. As has been said on this site countless times, we all have our own journeys, and you should do what is right for you. Like Biotech, I came out to all of my friends and family (and my husband) before I started thinking about dating. But I will say that once I found the courage to say that I was gay, I saw absolutely no sense in hiding from anyone any more or waiting to get this part of my life started. I know that's not the case for everyone. Telling your friends first in order to create a support system for yourself is a great idea. They can be there for you with your struggles-such as self-acceptance, as you mention--as well as your triumphs big and small. And your gay friends will be especially helpful in bringing you into the LGBT community and bringing you up to speed on the lesbian community and what life is like when you're a lesbian. They are also likely to be able to introduce you to someone, and it's always nice to have a first date come with a recommendation. Keep up the good work. After telling that first person, it gets easier, if only by teeny increments. --Zoe
Yesterday I actually talked to 2 lesbian friends on the same phone call. Then the partner of one of them messaged me to say she was sorry she'd been at the store when I called. I am going to have lunch with her one day this week. I was hoping I'd see these three ladies at church tomorrow but they're out of town until tomorrow night. I have felt so energized and happy since I talked to them yesterday. I can't believe it's only been a day. I had put up my profile on a dating site and got 2 messages the first day. But I couldn't handle it. I pulled my profile down and reached out to my friends instead. For me, I just don't want to confuse the issues. This is about me and my sexuality. Not about falling for one particular woman. When I was 19, I was really confused about whether it was just that I was attracted to this one girl or if I was really bi or gay. I want to be secure in myself before I get involved with someone else. (But damn I can't stop looking at women!)
