confused and getting older

I'm soon to be 42, I've only had one relationship which was off and on over the course of five years with a much younger man and it was extremely unstable. We have been broken up for good now for 5 years but remain friends and In touch (he now lives in another state). In the past five years I have not been sexually active because I had a tough time getting over him. Last year I developed a crush on a straight man which went nowhere for obvious reasons...and it was tough emotionally having to deal with feelings I had blocked for 4+ years, but I did. I have ALWAYS fallen for unattainable guys...since I was a teenager. Last December I once again developed feelings for a much younger man. (Hes 20). We worked briefly at a seasonal employment gig and despite our age became inseparable. Since, we've hung out almost daily, he sometimes even sleeps over in my bed, but theres no sex. I was honest with him about 2 months into our friendship that I had developed feelings for him, which caused some tension but seemed to not matter greatly to him. As for me I have unsuccessfully conquered these feelings and over the course of the last 2 months all but destroyed our friendship and my emotional and mental well-being. We have had two major fights, and this last one was just 3 days ago. We have not spoken since and I'm heart sick. My outside friends tell me to just let this go. I know they are right...but the guy is like a drug. When I'm not with him I'm stressed and lonely, and when I'm with him I'm happy BUT depressed. It's ridiculous. There are more details and complications with the relationship, but im not seeking advice on the relationship. I don't even know why I exactly am sharing this stuff! I came out at 20 thinking things would be easier. For the most part there has been support. But I've never felt good about it. As a teen I was so unhappy and guilt ridden I did everything I could to not allow anyone to even suspect I was gay, so everyone was surprised when I came out. Some didn't believe me...but that was due to my design, and they were finally convinced. As a teen I thought I was going to Hell, I had suicidal thoughts around the clock, I would beat my head against the wooden garage door when no one was home, I was in so much mental and emotional pain my body physically hurt. Now, as an adult, it's still pretty much the same. I've tried counseling here and there but it doesn't work. I've been drinking steadily now for 23 years...I quit working a year ago. I don't know what to do. Nothing makes me happy. Even when I'm happy it's for about five minutes. I feel like I'm losing everything. Again. I don't know why I'm posting this...I just needed to say this stuff somewhere...I don't know how to say it in person to people.

 

Thank you for your response. I do have friends and support...I'm not a loner. It's just hard to explain to them what exactly is wrong in fear it will burdon them. I have tried but it just seems that its hard for them to advise. They sympathize and are great listeners. I dont really have a lot of gay support though. Mosst of my close friends are straight. I dunno. I guess im just venting because im really stuck right now. I have no insurance or means of medical help at present.

 

I do have friends I can talk to. Im just afraid because its something I feel I cant control....my feelings. I'm somewhat ashamed I can never really control feelings. Even when I feel them coming on its like an avalanche and im consumed before I can even turn my back. As for the fights, theyare usually started because I may say something out of honesty and it comes across as me sounding like a dick. Then he gets his feelings hurt and feels disrespected no matter how I try to make him understand I would rather be honest than a sugarcoater. He also likes to toy with me, knowing im attracted to him, and make advances jokingly. I've told him to please not do that because it hurts my feelings somewhat. One night I was really drunk and he tried touching me as a joke...it pissed me off and I physically attacked him, wrestled him to the floor in a lock and kidney punched him. To my absolute horror. I yelled at him to not tease me again. He was stunned...I was mortified I acted in such violence. He hasnt done it simce, but there was no excuse for my action. It spiraled me for days into depression. As for my attraction for unattainable guys, they never seem unattainable at first...usually because they are hard to read. Thanks for letting me talk.

 

At present I cannot afford therapy or medical. I have sought it before...sometimes its worked for a while. Done meds. Not keen on them. I have had problems with alcohol for a long time. Have abstained on my own for up to 18 months at one point about 10 years ago. AA ive tried numerous times but im not good in social situations. I do want to sort all this out and be able to control or at least have tools to combat the things that always wind up stealing my security. Again, I dont mean or want to sound pathetic or a sadsack...on the contrary, im quite outgoing and funny, especially with close friends and my main love in life is theater, which I actively partake in (although I have no idea why or how as I have such crippling stage fright lol). I just feel happy ive been able to express this on this board and feel comforted in the fact people are being so nice.

 

Thank you Diego...no need for lack of advice apology. Could this be mid life crisis? Lol...I dunno. It's hard when you know situation is bad but the only thing keeping you together. I'm rambling now

 

Thanks Jeff for sharing. Younger men are just as attractive to older gay men I suspect as younger women are as attractive to older straight men. There its a difference however as males (or females perhaps as the case may be) do understand the species of same sex friendship in an honest way...meaning there its a familiarity in some reasoning. I'm not saying in any way that all men are gay or bisexual or even prone to bonding in anything that borders on intimacy...I don't know what the heck I'm saying...lol. It just seems as I get older I feel more connected and yet more frazzled with my youth...I don't wanna be that older guy who doesn't understand stuff...on the contrary it should get easier I would like to think. But it doesn't. It gets compounded. I apologize...I digress...Thanks to wine lol. Wow...I must sound selfish

 

Last night before my last two posts I wound up seeing him. During late afternoon yesterday I saw a post on Facebook by a mutual friend which had me thinking the most paranoid things, which I wont go into. For nearly an hour I had the worst anxiety attack in probably a year. My mind was racing with fear and doubt and helplessness over what I was reading into this post (I believed in its cryptic nature the post was alluding to a sexual dalliance with the guy I like). I knew I had to be concocting this insane thought, but it was getting to the point of chest pain (again, I knew it was not a heart attack, but rather anxiety). And suddenly, at the peak of this attack and mental circus, while I was holding my phone, he called. This was the first time in days since our big argument. I was hesitant to answer...but I did. He wanted to hang out. I told him I had rehearsal in a few hours, but because I was instantly relieved of my stress and because I again cant control myself, I said yes. We went to McDonalds while my car was getting an oil change. We didnt talk at all about the incident from days prior, the conversation was awkward, stilted. He talked a bit about the girl he likes, which always stings a bit, but I cant change that. He was acting very nice, and I was doing the same. I dropped him off at his home, and instead of our usual hug, he extended his hand for a shake. It was odd. I was relieved because hes like an f-ing drug, believing for the moment im high that im doing the right thing. At about midnight last night, well into my cups, I became very depressed. I just now got out of bed. I think I should go eat something.

 

It's been a few days...hope everyone had a good 4th. My friend and I hung out yesterday. I was in a bad mood and it was pissing him off which was pissing me off lol. Anyhow, we went to dinner...he continuously tried to ask me my advice about this girlfriend he's seeing...I couldnt talk about it. We went back to my place for an hour to wait for a friend who was coming to pick him up. I was dissapointed he was leaving, but I didnt want to go out, but didnt want him to NOT go out just because I didnt feel like it. Anyhow, we were laying on my bed playing games on our phones respectively, and he says "what would you say if I have sex with you but only if I f*** you?" I know he was just messing around...he knows I dont and cant stand bottoming. "Nope" I said, but was giving it heavy consideration in my mind. Then he started his usual messing with me by tickling and rubbing his hands and head all over me until I start wrestling back. Everything about it indicates foreplay...but the minute I get jokey and grab his butt or something, he backs off and it ends. Which is kinda fine with me because it really turns me on (which I tell him) and also hurts my feelings (which I have told him). So during this wrestle match last night, our faces got really close and we stopped...he leaned in like he was going to kiss me, but stopped short and laughed. I said dont tease me that way, because I WILL kiss you. He acted surprised and responded "really?". We disengaged from our grappling, and I laid back down on my back next to him and played on my phone. He then smashed his face into the side of my head and began rubbing it all over mine making fun of me because I had actually done the same thing to him once when I was drunk. I tild him he needed to stop because it was turning me on...and then he started chewing on my earlobe...and stuck his tongue in my ear and licked my neck. It was so overwhelming but I couldnt tell what the heck was happening. I turned to him and asked "do you honestly want this to happen?" to which he just sort of laughed. He left moments later because his friend had arrived, which relieved me because I didnt know how to feel about this. Needless to say, I want it to happen again so I can just make a move without questioning it...but then again I may just be setting myself up for a fall when it turns out to probably be experimentation on his part. So overwhelmed.

 

Im just done. Thank you all for listening.