This is something I have never discussed with anyone. I have received good advice here so far so this is probably the best place to share this. This is the main reason I just almost deleted my account here even though it is not directly related. When I was in 7th grade I experimented with another boy and I liked it. I then had my attention set on other boys. It usually went pretty well and was positive until I fooled around with my neighbor. He approached me so I thought he knew he liked it. I won't go into details but we had a good time. I felt good that night. The next morning on the bus everyone started laying into me and making fun of me. All of a sudden many people wanted to beat me up. I was constantly picked on from that point on and I vowed to never do anything with another guy for the rest of my life. I was hurt deeply and did not understand what I did wrong. There was a connection I made then gay=pain. That is why I am 31 and finally making sense of things. I joined the marines after high school because everyone knows marines are tough and nobody would attack a marine. I really just wanted people to fear me for being tough instead of fearing me for who I am and then attacking me. So if I never had such a bad experience back then I probably would have came out around 17 or 18 if not sooner. Instead I actively suppressed most of my feelings until now. At least now nobody will try hurting me since I'm 5'8" and weigh 225lbs and was a marine. I hope that is the case.
I think experiences when you are young, even if they are in the past, can really affect how you feel about yourself and for queer people it can drastically affect their coming out process. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by confident gay people, my age and much older people, and very supportive straight people. I actually thought it was really cool to be gay even before I figure out myself. Hopefully, you are overcoming your childhood experiences and really becoming comfortable with yourself and comfortable sharing who you are with others. It is sad that you had those bad experiences, but hopefully you can put those behind you. Being comfortable with yourself is a really hard thing to do, for anyone, gay or straight. But you sound like a great person and hopefully people will see that in you and you can be yourself.
I really am getting over it. I really, amazingly, feel better after sharing this stuff here. I guess by doing this I'm starting to shed this baggage finally. I'm seeing my therapist on Wed. and I'm going to just talk to her about this stuff for the whole hour. It won't help me one bit if I talk around the issue for 45 minutes. Prccgeek I like your signatures:icon_bigg
Mike, I want to commend you for sharing this with us. I found that I also had to reveal some deep inner secrets here on EC in order to come to terms with being gay and to eventually climb that mountain of coming out to the world. This is an important starting point for healing your past and for working through your future. You are standing at the crossroads and it looks like you're about to make the right choice about which way to go from here. I can relate to your situation to a high degree. It wasn't as a result of a specific event but when I was young I was picked on by the other kids for being gay right from grade 5 onwards. At the time I didn't even know what "gay" meant. I would get physically beaten up on the way home from school almost daily because of it. I also had no idea what I had done wrong. I still have no idea why, how or even if they knew that I really was gay, but there was no question that I was different from most of them by my behavior. As a result I grew to be a fat teen of 260 lbs with a horrible self-esteem problem and a deeply repressed sexuality. And I buried that deep inside for more years than you did before I finally realized it was robbing my life of any value whatsoever. My point is that you are not alone in having a troubled past. In fact I'm becoming convinced that many to most gay people have issues from their youth directly relating to their sexuality. It comes with this territory. If there's good news in this it's that I have come to a point of true enlightenment in my life where I have reconciled with my past, in part by accepting who I am and by coming to an understanding of why these things happened. It has built up to the point where I am happy, even amused at being gay, and quite proud of it too! This culminated in coming out to my parents this week, which will forever be the pinnacle of my triumph over the whole of my life up to this point. For the first time in my life I am alive, and I am able to put aside my past to be in this place. Just 3 months ago I was screaming out loud at night that I didn't want to be gay - I hated the idea and I hated myself for it. 3 months! And over that relatively short time I can say with total honesty that I have come the other side now, for good. In fact I never ever want to go back to those too many years of repressing my sexuality and my true being. It was a long and bumpy road from there to happiness, and I'm never walking it again. For the first time in my life I actually like myself! I like the fact that I am gay. It sure as hell explains a lot about me and my life up to this point. And it gives me a basis on which to go forward and build a happy life. How can you possibly build a rich and meaningful life on a lie? The hard part is trying to convince you that the grass really is greener here in the land of full self-acceptance. But it really is. It's a place of peace where you can truly forgive and forget your past, or at least accept it and move forward without guilt. Mike, I am 100% gay. See? That felt good to say, and I mean it! Does it mean that the kids were wrong when they beat me up? No, in fact it means they were right... but now I'm glad they were right! This is who I am and I don't want to be anyone else. This is the real deal of self-acceptance - I have come to know it. Now I'm going to highly recommend it to you as your target. And I don't mean superficially - it's one thing to say "I'm gay" like you're mourning something, and another to say it with pride. You'll know it to feel it; it's unmistakeable. And don't regret how long you waited. There's no return on an investment in self-pity. You have a chance to be the real you for the rest of your life, and you have a lot of life ahead of you. Don't waste another day lamenting your past or being ashamed of who you are. Every day is a gift and you can either blow that gift on further repression or enjoy the hell out of it like I am now. Take your life back from those kids who stole it all those years ago!
I wasn't beaten up like you but I think I see what you mean. I remember back in elementary school people used to tease me by asking "are you gay?" (I don't know how they were so perceptive in their meanness). I literally had no idea what it even meant back then, but in my brain it registered gay=bad. In grade 1 we used to have playtime in school, and at one point I used to play some game with people. One day this girl suddenly asked me, "why are you the only boy who plays this?". I hadn't even noticed this fact but I got really embarrassed, and I had this dread that who knows what other abnormal things people might have seen me doing...so I stopped playing that and ever since tried to watch out and suppress anything that people would judge me for. no one's going to do that to you now! Do you have any gay friends? I find its really helpful when you can hang out with people who are out and see that no one is making fun of them or treating them differently because of it.
I completely understand the gay=pain connection and I think naming it out loud begins to give you power over it. My association was gay=shame which helped keep me in my deep, dark closet until the age of 47. By the time I'm fully out and dating I expect they'll be filming "The 50-Year-Old Virgin," the gay alternative to the original film. :icon_bigg I also agree with the other posters that community, spending time in the company of other gay men (perhaps even Marines), will go a long way towards healing. And thank you for trusting us enough to take this risk. It is no small thing. Peace,
I think you are just now coming to terms with being gay. I know what you are going through. When I was younger I was always told that gay=bad so that made me not want to socialize with anyone. You now have the chance to be yourself and not be judged.
I'm glad you're feeling better, and I'm glad this site exists for you to share these thoughts and feelings with others who understand. I'm also glad you didn't leave!
Thank you everyone for your support. I don't really ever open up to people. I have just thought for most of my life that nobody cares about the things I think about. If people did care why am I alone 90% of the time. But maybe people really do care and since I don't open up I drive them away. So here is a test. I will share some more of my thoughts. I have been thinking I'm trying to be gay but why would anyone do that? If I really am pretending to be gay how do I explain my attraction to some men and the male body. If this is just an act I should be awarded the oscar for best actor ever. If this is an act I don't think I could pull it off for as long as I have. I can picture dating and living with a guy but I can't really put in to words how awesome that would be. Sometimes I day dream about being with a woman but if I take that to the real world there is no interest. Last year when I grew a long beard people always told me I would never get a girl with it. My response was always "That's good." The reason I over analyze things is because I have the time to and it keeps my mind occupied but it isn't good for me. How can I meet people to hang out with but not freak them out with my enthusiasm for wanting to talk about everything?
Mike, this is like the sausage-making analogy - the end product might taste good but you don't want to see how it's made! You're working through this, and these are natural questions and fears and thoughts. Many of us have had them - I have had the very same thoughts for years. When you boil it all down it pretty much equals "I'm not gay". The epiphany that you're seeking isn't always a lightning bolt - sometimes it's a slow changing of the mind from "I'm definitely not gay" to "I can't be gay" to "Well I *might* be gay" to "The evidence strongly suggests that I'm gay" to "I'm probably gay" to "I'm gay" to "I'm gay!! " All you need to do is take a couple of steps back from your overanalytical brain to see things objectively. The facts are all there for you if you look. But you have to take off the rose-colored "I'm not gay" glasses for a few moments. I'm thinking Sherlock Holmes and more than a few of us here would be looking at the evidence and concluding "Yep, he's probably gay". I mean I'm not one for asserting labels on people, but at some point you have to give yourself a definition that makes sense. And my objective opinion is that you're probably quite gay! Now all you have to do is come to this same conclusion yourself. Or not, but make sure you're being totally honest and looking at the facts, not the wishes... This is good stuff you're doing here. This is how you're going to work through it. I am very excited for you, and I'm eagerly awaiting your evolution to the next stage of your life...
It's interesting how confusing things are when you only discuss them by yourself. If I kept these things in I would have probably been confused for the rest of my life. I now see everything clearly. Its kinda cool how fast I progressed after sharing these things..... I have a smile on my face right now. This is no mystery I need to analyze any longer. I still think its amazing how sharing my deep thoughts made me see the light (or the rainbow) so quickly. I'll save the analyzing for the real mysteries now. I am no mystery. I am a dude that likes other dudes. I am aroused by masculinity. I like pecs not breasts. I am Mike and I'm gay! I will now resume thinking about the crazy things that fascinate me. I will also become a part of the gay community in my area so I can chill with other people like me. I still am amazed how obvious all this stuff is and I didn't see it. Oh well I know the truth now and enjoy that I know myself.
(*hug*) I hear you. I'm sure many on EC can relate. I can't since I didn't realize I was gay til after highschool but... *shrug* However, I remember discovering I could "make myself feel good" as a 10 year old, and even though I was alone at the time, a parent walked in. It was made very clear at that point that "girls don't do that" and that it's wrong and I could catch a disease. It took an amazing amount of time for me to realize that that's what humans do and that you need to "let go" and as long as you practice it safely alone or with a partner, that it's ok.
How appropriate to say that! I was thinking of that scene except this time I was Theoden and you and the rest of EC were Gandalf the White. RaeofLite: One thing that has been helping me get over past problems is the show The Dog Whisperer. I keep hearing that dogs and most other animals live in the moment and that is why they can live through traumatic experiences and be happy once they are in a good environment again. Plus I know how traumatic it can be to be caught by parents. Not fun at all. I appreciate all the support I have gotten here. I'm now itching to get this coming out business over with so I can just focus on living my life. I see many good times ahead of me! I'm looking forward to getting connected with the local gay community I have been hearing about. I'm finally ready to be Mike!!:icon_bigg
Amen to that, brother! It certainly seems like you've 'turned a corner'. And that's awesome. I was in my mid 30s before I figured all this out - and I was pretty messed up by the time I did. But now just 3.5 years later, I'm on top of the world and really feel like I've got my stuff together. I'm sure you won't be long either.
Just to have fun today I was at my friends place hanging out. Even though I have already told them I'm gay I decided to tell them again. The first coming out was a rushed deal on the phone since I was not totally cool with it then. I said it and immediately changed the topic. Today was totally different. We were in their yard after dinner talking and with a smile on my face I said "I'm gay and happy." I think they both appreciated that I told them in person. We talked about it for a half hour and they were both happy that I'm not ashamed of this. I think it was a good day.
I think that it's great that your friends were so accepting. Those people are who your true friends are. You should be proud of yourself.
It's amazing and so gratifying to watch your transformation unfold! This serves as a fine example to others as to why it's important to be comfortable with being gay yourself before you carry the news to others - it can make it a meaningful and life-affirming experience. I am so damn proud of you Mike!! (*hug*)
