I went to a small all-boys boarding school, were there was quite a lot of sexual activity between boys. I told myself that although I enjoyed it, this was just a phase and that once I left school I would meet a nice girl.... Of course I was lying to myself, and I probably knew it. When I left school at 16, and moved into the big world of work. Of course the guys at work don't do what the boys at school did. At that time (1980), the age of consent for gay sex was 21 - which seems a lifetime away when you are 16. I lived in a small town with no gay scene (not that I even looked). I went to college one day a week, and there was a lad at the train station who I thought was fabulous. No doubt he was straight and he was always having a laugh with mates, but I had a huge crush on him. At this time I first heard “Elton’s Song”, performed by Elton John. On it's own I guess it's not a great song. But I was just beginning to come out to myself at the time, and the lyrics really hit the spot. http://www.eltonography.com/songs/eltons_song.html (The lyrics were written by Tom Robinson.) A few years later, at my next job, there was an obviously-gay guy. I got on reasonably well with him but the subject was never mentioned. I'm sure he guessed though. A well-sexy tanned blond guy started working for the company - and within a couple of weeks the gay guy got off with him.... As for me - my life was going nowhere. I was still trying to deny that I was gay, but I was having ever more problems believing myself. At 26 I was still living with my parents because I simply could not afford to move out. I then got an offer of a job at a company that some people I had worked with previously were starting in a different part of the country. The money was good, and house prices in the area were more reasonable. It was the new-start I needed, and I grabbed it! Somehow, in this new situation, living on my own in my own home, it was suddenly so much easier to come out to myself and to those around me. It was the right situation and the right time for me to come out. I wrote to a newspaper agony aunt who sent a feeble standard reply. However it did contain the contact details of the local gay support group. I wrote to them and received a very helpful and well-written individual reply. Amongst other things, it included details of a monthly gay evening in the back-room of a local. Remember this was the 1990 – no Internet back then! I went to the next one of these. It took a great deal of nerves to step through the door the first time, and I very nearly turned away. But somehow I knew it had to be done. I got a drink and sat at an empty table on my own. After a few minutes a man wearing a badge of the local gay support group introduced himself to me. We had a useful chat for half an hour or so. Nobody else spoke to me though, and I was too nervous to approach anyone. The following month I went again. The chap from the support group wasn’t there. However there was a lad at another table, looking every bit as awkward as I felt. I plucked up the courage to approach him and introduce myself. It was his first evening there. He was seventeen – ten years younger than me. We got on very well right from the start. It was clear that we would be friends rather than partners, although I often wished there could be more to it. We were both came out together and offered each other a lot of support along the way. There was of course the issue of coming out to my parents, but since they were 150 miles away, that also seemed easier. I had already come out to my sister who lived close to my parents. I wrote to my parents, and then phoned them a couple of days later. Yes, it was a fairly bumpy ride, but I think it was easier for them that I wasn't living with them and they could take their time to come to terms with the situation in their own way. Not long after I came out I started placing contact adverts in Gay Times magazine. After several months and numerous meetings with people I didn’t hit it off with, I received a reply from “Markie” that just seemed right somehow. We wrote regularly for a few weeks, and then he got a train over to see me. We got on great from the first meeting, and within a month he had moved in with me. Twelve years later, we are still together and as happy as ever. For me there was a right time and place to come out. I used to think those 11 years before I came out were "wasted years", but now with hindsight I don't think they were. It simply was not the right thing to do. It would have caused more problems than it would have solved.
I'm still writing my story... I read your story I finally decided to write my first post on this forum. I'd have never dared to start a thread myself... Being English my second language makes this a little more complicated, though after reading all my post you'll see that this isn't exactly one of my worst troubles... The first time I came out to someone was last year. It doesn't sound that extraordinary before you get to know that I was 28. Yeah, twenty eight years old. Why it has taken so long for me to do it... I'm still trying to find it out. I've sought professional guidance, and even though I can't say I'm feeling entirely happy about myself, at least I'm sure I'm slowly walking in the right direction. I always had the feeling there was something "wrong" about me. During my teenage years it was clear to me that I had no attraction towards women. Being a shy boy at a Catholic school led me to think it was just a phase and I would "get over it". Somehow I internalized the idea that homosexuality was a choice. Following this conviction, I repressed my feelings, and managed not to cope with them for years, waiting for the "right" (straight) feelings to come up. That was quite easy to do but the costs of this decision turned out to be huge. Needless to say, the straight feelings never showed up. I have never had a significant social life, and now that I am finally coming to terms with my sexuality I realize that I am lonely, isolated, and I'm not able to change my attitude towards people by myself. The person I chose to come out to was my best friend from my early childhood until high school. He was the only person I was sure would understand me... it had been implied for a long time that he was gay, though we had never talked about it. He always respected my silence, and he told me later after my "confession" that he wasn't willing to bring this subject up if I didn't come out first. I would have preferred he had pushed me a little to do it before, but I agree with him that everyone has its own timing and I probably wasn't ready. "Coming out" was not a pleasant experience itself. It took me hours of talking with my gay friend to finally be honest about the reasons of our unexpected meeting. I had sent a very suspicious email to him, and as I had known him for such a long time I knew he would be able to read between the lines, but I still kept him waiting for hours for THE words to come out of my mouth (I actually told him that I needed to get out of the closet). Later I came out to a "virtual" friend. I wrote her a rather cryptic email and she got my meaning right away... now we can even make jokes about all this, which is a kind of progress to me. For years I couldn't even put my feelings into words, and now when talking with her I can refer to myself as a homosexual guy and even include this part of me in my acid remarks about life. I like it. And that's it. Nobody else knows. If I don't come out to my closest friends soon I am afraid I might tell someone at work just to stop them from bothering me for not having a girlfriend, and that would get me into a lot of trouble (I don't see much tolerance there). I can't understand my need to tell other people, maybe it might help my damaged self-esteem, I don't know. The matter is that the need is real and I can't do much about it. Some old friends tend to avoid me (...they're probably too busy to lend me an ear), and I'm think I'm unable to make new ones, considering all my "life" is at work and at home. My gay friend offered me to go clubbing with him but I'm not that kind of person, which makes me feel like the black sheep of the gay herd... I know I'm lucky to live in Buenos Aires (Argentina), which is a city with an important gay community and quite tolerant towards sexual minorities, but the fact is that not going to clubs or gyms keeps me out of the gay scene -or any scene at all. Despite of my (small) progress I am still too far from being completely out of the closet, and I feel really old to be going through these kind of feelings, which really undermines my efforts to finally make a change in my life. I'm still living with my parents, and that certainly doesn't make things any easier. Anyway I have to admit that I feel definitely happier than a year ago. All the anxiety I'm going through is worthwhile. Really.
If you read a little more on this forum you'll see that you are never too old to come out. Comming out is not telling the world: I'm gay!. Comming out is finally accepting yourself as you are, and then letting the right people know this part of you. Being gay is not who you are, is just something in your life that, in addition to everything else, makes the wonderful person you are. Now, welcome to the forum, and I'm glad you had the courage to actually write your first post. It took me over three months to ask my first question back on ###. I see now you are from Buenos Aires. I was born there, and lived there until I moved to Asuncion (paraguay) about three years ago. I still go over there quiet often, so... drop a line if you ever want to meet. I'm 18, and one foot out the closet. so I'm not sure i will be able to help you much... but it's always nice to have someone who understands you to talk to... and specially if it's in your own language!!!
Thanks for your comments. You are so young and yet you sound so wise (by the way, I've read many posts from you, so I really mean that). Maybe I look too concerned about 'spreading' the news to the world (which because of my privacy obsession is unlikely to happen soon), an I skipped the fact the "inner process" is the thing that concerns me most. There's a long way from denial to total acceptance, and I think self acceptance if the key to my unhappiness and extraordinary introversion. When I reach that point I'll let you know if I was right! I was almost sure you were from Argentina. Nice to meet you ;-) Maybe we can meet one day, sure. Or chat through MSN or YIM. Take care!
I am flattered you think so. Although most of what you may call wisdom is what I understood of what other people said. I like to read a lot, specially on these kind of forums. Hey, I used to think like that as well. Then I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of (except for losing in a warhammer game! :tantrum: ) and that most likely people will accept me as I am. And if for some reason they don't... then they can just go screw themselves. You need to be proud of yourself, I know it can take a long time to reach that state. It took me over five years. I'm not sure about self acceptance as being the key to happiness, however it's the road. I always say 'be in peace with yourself, and you shall have peace with others'. And I stand by that, if you like yourself, if you are OK with yourself as you are, then people can't question you... unless they are too narrowminded to see the big picture.. in which case it's better to stay away from them.
To Paul: ur story is amazing, and roamtic. lovin't it! To PopBoy: i don't know much about what u've been through, since i never feel uncomfortable of my sexual orientation. why do i have to be str8 i sometimes wonder. and i am quite proud of who i am (esp after i am able to access to the internet, reaching the "gay culture"). i am always thinking i am gay when i realize there is such thing as "romance", even though i don't tell all people (some of my friends do knwo). my firends once told me that, it doesn't matter if u r gay or str8, or maybe u will struggle figuring out what the hell u r in ur lifetime, but the most important thing is to make urself happy! so, cheer up. c, u've met new friends here already!
I know I am complicated! :icon_roll It's like things didn't come so naturally to me. Just recently I started to feel comfortable with my sexual orientation. In the past I had the feeling that homosexuality was a flaw -my greatest flaw-, and getting rid of that feeling has really changed my view of myself and life in general. Whether people will like this new 'me' or not I'm not that worried anymore... many people around me told me that my personality has changed during the last year, they like the new 'me', and the funny thing it that they know nothing about my coming out! :eusa_thin
Personal story: (the personal in personal story means that it should not be taken as an example, but perhaps it will inspire you). For some reasons that are not important right now, i was seriously considering sucide. Then, someone I had not seen for almost six months (though we live about five minutes away in car) called me and asked me to go out. Our friendship revived, and I decided that time had come, for me to come out or juust die. I decided to come out, and she seemed the perfect choice. And well... I told her. I've been feeling better every day since I told her. About a week later I told another firend, and she took it all right as well, and that gave me the courage I needed. I think tomorrow I'll come out to another two friends (if the situation is right). And I've been feeling great, it's like it's no longer a secret, and that I am now true to myself. The only reason I haven't told some people is because there are some friends that I think need to know before everyone else. I would hate if them had to find out by someone else. Anyway, Comming out is just one of the best things that ever happened to me. And It is just starting. And I think that if people won't accept me as I am, then they are not worth it. There are obvious exceptions, such as my parents, my cousin and my granma.
I wouldn't think, in Argentina, it would be at all that weird to not come out until you were 28. Last time I checked, South America wasn't a bastion of open support and respect for homosexuality. Which sucks. You are really not a black sheep for not being into clubs or gyms. There are tons of people here in Canada who bemoan that they're not into that kind of thing, too. In fact, I'm not really (at least not anymore--I used to go clubbing once a week but I consider it a phase ). So many people from North America are concerned that they won't be able to meet anyone to date or even be friends with because they aren't into clubbing... it's not unusual. There is much more to gay life than clubbing or going to the gym, although sometimes that's hard to tell. You say Buenos Aires has an important gay community--maybe there are gay community organisations that you could investigate? It's not all bars and clubs, right? You really aren't doing yourself any good by getting caught up on how young or old you are. I came out when I was just about 20 and then started meeting people who were coming out at 14 and 15 and I felt like you did, that there was something wrong with me that it took so long to figure things out and come to terms with it. The fact of the matter is that we come out when we come out and feeling guilty because you haven't stuck to some kind of imaginary timetable is ultimately futile. Some people never come out, some don't come out until they're much, much older than you, and some people are precocious and come out as soon as they figure out they want sex. *grin* All that being said, and I realise this is a very culturally-specific belief of mine and I fully admit I don't know how things work in Argentina, but I strongly recommend moving out on your own if at all possible. My personal opinion is that it is nearly impossible to sort yourself out identity-wise (not just sexuality-wise) if you are still living at home. It's just too... constraining. There is something really valuable about living on your own and taking care of yourself. It gives you perspective that is impossible to get if you still live with your parents. That's cool... hopefull that trend will continue (the "happier" one). And remember: age is a relative thing. There will always be someone younger and someone older than you.
Buenos Aires city is really far from the rest of South America in terms of culture, legal rights and respect for minorities, etc. At least in those subjects, we are a step ahead (for example, this is the only city in Latin America that acknowledges the homosexual people the right to take part in a "civil union" -a kind of marriage). Our National constitution is rather progressive too. Bottomline I'm undoubtedly weird :lol: . By the way, people in many Spanish speaking countries make jokes about Buenos Aires' natives because of our supposedly oversized egos... though I think I'm being honest about my city! Yeah. Definitely hard to tell. A friend of mine told me that I should go to the gym, where I would get so horny that I would end up gladly going clubbing to meet guys (!) . We both laughed, though there is some truth in those words after all. According to his point of view, it's all bars and clubs... and having dinners and drinks with the friends he made over the years at bars and clubs! Here in Argentina it's not strange to live with your parents at my age if you don't have a partner to share living expenses. Wages are ridiculously low (specially when translated into US dollars), so it's very hard to live by yourself. I share your point of view though, I really do. ...and taller, cuter, more intelligent... Making comparisons won't help anybody grow, I'm no exception. Honestly, I don't care so much about the age anymore. Maybe I'm on my way to total sanity!!! :lol:
1- Yes, we do have oversized egos... I love my city, and I think it's the best place in the world to be. Funny, I'm not there any more. Still, I love my city. And I agree on what you say... ego apart. 2- Tonight I spent about five hours with my friends, and we didn't even have a glass of wine. We just meet and chat about stupid things for hours, and could do it for more hours if we wanted to... but some of us need to sleep. We are what is commonly known as antisocial... but we have formed a group of smart people, with a fine sense of humor... and we have a really good time while we are together. So not being into clubs and gym... it's not weird at all... you know I'm not into them, and I usually wonder how I'll meet people (gay males to have a relationship with)... but I am sure that the oportunity will rise when it must... and I will not sacrifice my way of life, my way of thinking and my way of feeling just to get laid.
And just as you've said, that's his point of view. Do people often have roommates who aren't relatives, then? That might be a solution. Hopefully. Hopefully we all are. *grin*
I have a crush on a 15 y.o. talk to me about sanity and caring about age. Thank you very much, I rest my case.
Gr8 Stuff Your stories all sound so full of emotion and passion. And it is true, these things should have it all. Goratrix - I too thought you to be older, reading your posts have been great fun, and extremely wise! THX When I started coming out, I was surprised, how many people acted totally different to how I thought they would. The people I thought would not have a fit did have one, and the ones I thought I could never tell, were the ones where it really didn't make a difference at all or I should rather say, where the difference that it did make was a natural, and easy. At one point I started thinking that it really doesn't matter what other people think - I should be clear for myself. When I was in bed with my BF the first few times, I had the feeling "OMG, it is another man" sometimes, I still was grossed out at the lust I felt. This was a dificult part - but now, I know that it is beautiful, normal, and personal. If I am fine with what I do and how I live, other people would be to, and maybe they might have courage to do what they want to as well, by seeing me. And the people who do are not fine about it are not less important than the ones that are fine with it. They just haven't found a way to explain it to themselves. Usually their points of view is not their own, but the point of view society expects of them... Enough from me...Enjoy every moment of this first phase, you are so in touch with yourself and your emotions, it is the best time to get to know yourself!
