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Relationship / Coming Out Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by orviceversa, May 2, 2011.

  1. orviceversa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2011
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Portland, OR
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I have been friends with this girl now for 3 years give or take. When she first came out to me, she also told me it was because she realized all the feelings she had for me. We had a short lived (read 4 days - short) fling before she started dating this other girl shortly there-after, whom she was with for almost 2 years. In the meantime, I dated other people, and moved on with life. We remained friends during this duration, especially because one of the people I happened to be in a serious relationship with was her cousin (through marriage, not blood, but for a long time). Anyways, hindsight is twenty/twenty, I realized that I had never really let go of those feelings for her.

    Anyways, about 6 months ago she contacted me to hang out (we both graduated from college in June 2010) and I've been working back in the town in which I went to high school. She had gotten a job in a town nearby, but more or less was just wanting to spend time together after not talking for a couple months post graduation.

    Not thinking anything other than she's my friend, we made plans.. and slept together after spending the whole day together. The sexual tension was high (we had not previously slept together) and somehow that one time turned into another.. and then another.. and then another. When I was out of state visiting family for New Years, she confessed that she loved me, though she wasn't sure at that time if it was as a friend or more, but she knew she loved me.

    Shortly after that, mid January, I confessed to her that I was certifiably in love with her. And she felt the same way. In February, she freaked a little bit and tried to push me away.. and I tried to let her.. but we both failed at that a lot. About a month ago, before she left for a week long road trip with some friends, she basically poured her heart out and also gave me a card indicating I was the best thing to ever happen to her.

    Now, it's a month post having it all out there, and our relationship is in jeopardy - and I don't know that has anything to do with us as a couple so much as the different positions we are in life. Now I am extremely out - I can't think of anyone I hide it from. I graduated college in June 2010, lived with my folks shortly thereafter until I found employment (and I did find a good-paying job that requires a degree.. like an actual adult). I then moved into the apartment I'm currently in in January. I've got lots of bills but i work full-time and am somehow able to make payments and live out life on my own.

    She on the other hand, moved in with her parents, works part-time in retail (no luck in finding a job) and has not been able to move out. Which wouldn't bother me except that her parents (and extended family, really) are completely homophobic. She is definitely NOT out to them. At all. Last week, her parents flat out asked if we were romantically involved (she does spend a lot of time at my place - to be honest I gave her a key about a month ago) and she denied it. Which is fine except it's caused her to examine her own life. I don't think it was until these past 6 months that it fully hit her that she is actually gay. One of the primary reasons her and her ex broke up is that she was convinced she didn't want to be with a girl for the rest of her life. And I think that she's realizing she doesn't want to be with a man for the rest of her life.

    Her parents told her during this conversation that they would be physically sick if she were gay. They're basically of the mindset that gay is contagious. Then of course there is the issue that I was involved with her cousin. Which even that taken out of the picture doesn't really affect the situation.. either way it's bad and she'd likely be kicked out of her house. And basically giving up her family. My ex is certifiably crazy.. she lies like it's nobody's business and basically has smeared me to a couple family members.. and their family could definitely win an Olympic Gold Medal for gossiping.

    Idk.. basically she indicated to me in a conversation yesterday that she feels like she doesn't know what to do about us. Basically, everything's golden on my end. I just know she's stressed out slash living a double life and its not boding well for her. And everyone in my life thinks we would be great together... if she came out of the closet.
    She asked me yesterday, what I would do and it's so hard for me to just be like shoot you already know. i already did it.

    I want to encourage her to come out but I don't want to encourage her to give up her family. Life just sucks right now. Her family has some serious prioritizing to do in general anyways, and maybe this will shake it up. I'm hopeful that although the knee jerk reaction would be bad, then maybe there could be feeling. Idk, we're set to hang out tomorrow and discuss things and I just don't know how to get my thought process sorted. I just don't even know where to begin and any input would be appreciated at this point.
     
  2. alexi12

    alexi12 Guest

    That's a toughie,
    When you talk, let her have her say. Let her tell you what she wants to happen and what she has in mind. Then, maybe it will be easier for you to decide if what she wants is suitable for you. The best thing you can do is be open to share your concerns and feelings when you discuss.