So it has been almost two months now since I first came out, and I am now out to most of my family, but have not yet come out to any of my friends, most importantly my roommates. Most of my friends are people that I met while living in a fraternity while in college. Life in the fraternity was very masculine, but there were 2 guys that were openly gay that at one point or another lived in the frat while I was there. While everyone else was cool around them, it bothered me the things people would say behind their back sometimes, and then there are all the usual gay slurs that people would say(myself included unfortunately at times, but I don't anymore). Fast forward to now, my roommates are friends from the fraternity who I have known for 5-6 years, and I have lived with them for the past 1.5 years, and we have another 6 months on our lease in the house I live in. I have had a hard time gauging their feelings on gay people, I think that they are generally accepting of the lifestyle, but that if I told them the truth I think it would fundamentally change our friendship, I also don't really trust them not to gossip about something like that to others. I may just be projecting my worst fears onto the situation, but I just can't help it. When I hang out with them I enjoy just being "one of the guys" and I'm afraid that if I came out that would no longer be the case, and I would be "the gay friend". The reason I can't just ride it out until our lease is up is that a month ago I made some new friends (who are gay and that my other friends and roommates don't know about) and have been hanging out with them more often and going out to the gay bars, and will sometimes stay the night at their place. After being closeted for so long and having embarrassing/uncomfortable experiences trying to hit on girls in order to fit in with my other friends, I can honestly say that I have never had so much fun as I have when I go out with my new friends because for the first time I feel like I am truly able to be me. Then when I get back home, usually in the morning, my roommates will ask me what I have been up to, and because I am not out to them I will make up a lie about what I have been doing. When I lie about it, it just kills me inside because I feel ashamed for feeling like I have lie about being with my new friends, who are genuinely some of the nicest people you would ever meet, and that I have to lie about doing something that makes me so happy. When I get home and have to lie, I feel like I am suffocating the joy that I felt, and then I just end up feeling miserable, which is all the worse because I was so happy earlier. Any ideas on how I can go about talking to my roommates about this? I think they might already suspect I am gay, since a few weeks ago we were in our hot tub with a few girls, (we were all drunk), and I literally had to move their friend off of me, and told her that nothing was going to happen that night. Then later inside I overheard them talking about me from another room saying things like "what was wrong with me for not hooking up with her". Also I've never had a girlfriend and only rarely would I hook up with a girl, and I haven't for a long time at that. Any support or advice would be great, I just wish I could fast forward 6 months so I could get my own place to live.
Rainbow accessories, posters/computer or phone wallpapers of guys (say, a favourtie actor or musician - then if someone asks but you're not ready to say why, you have the cover of the interest in the guy's career and/or artistic output)...i can see how the balance between being Out and 'one of the guys' would be precarious to say the least. Can you operate on a 'Don't ask, don't tell' basis, maybe? Joke around with them as much as you can, but Never lie about true feelings and opinions. I accept it's easy for me to sit here and say that, though. Good luck with it!
A couple thoughts. People talk behind your back. They always have. Not because you're special, but because you're not special - people talk behind EVERYBODY'S back. So don't worry about that aspect. It'll just now be "so he's gay?" rather than (perhaps) "Wonder where he goes when he doesn't come home at night". If you don't want your coming-out to go further than them, you can take steps - mainly, TELL them that. Say you're still getting comfortable with the idea, and you're finally to the point where you think you can tell them. But you're not sure you're ready for everybody to know yet, so you'd like them to keep it under wraps until you feel ready to tell more people. If they're good friends, they'll respect that. And as far as being afraid of not being able to be "one of the guys", again, tell them. "I've been reluctant to tell you, not because I don't think you'll be accepting, but because I enjoy the casual way we can share everything. I don't want to suddenly just be 'that gay guy', and not be able to talk like we always have." Lex
Lex above me is very, very correct. Everyone talks behind their friends backs. They may not mean to do it, or they may just be discussing something that they were curious or confused about that you did, but it happens. Dwelling on it is just going to stress you out and frustrate you. With that out of the way, I seriously doubt that things will change between you guys. I came out to my roommates recently, and they told me that they already suspected and honestly didn't care. They still treat me like one of the guys, and we chat about regular stuff, such as what girls are hot, etc. They just know that I like guys now. If your friends are tolerant to gays/lesbians, then they should be fine with you being gay, especially with you guys having been friends so long. Telling my best friend back home has honestly made us a lot closer and he's been very supportive of it. If they aren't, well, then they weren't true friends to begin with. It sucks to hear, and it sucks to consider, but if they aren't true friends then you really don't want them in your life.
