Secretly found out 15 year old son is gay

Given the situation as you describe it, including your concerns re your son not knowing you can see his communications and your guilt over seeing them, as well as the presumably tight timeframe involved before this experimentation takes place, I would suggest that:

You see if your older son is willing to come out to his brother. This might prompt your younger son to come out to him or at least prompt some discussion during which your older son can educate the younger on the importance of safe sex practices.

I say this because if your son truly wants to be sexually active, he will find a way to do so and you need to be sure he is being safe.

As an alternative, you could see if your older son might be able to talk him into waiting until he is older as part of the above mentioned discussion (assuming it happens). Note that this is not a sure thing and can be complicates by the relationship between your sons and by how old your older son was when he became sexually active (assuming he is).

I suppose most of the above presumes your older son won't have a issue with the electronics situation you describe. If he will, then you may need to look for a Plan B. this may involve talking to your sons, explaining what has happened and that you are concerned, your older son coming out, and killing the electronic set up to establish trust. I think that maintaining it, while no doubt tempting, is asking for future trouble if/ when your kids find out.

I don't think any kid has ever actually said they are gay just to get attention. Your son may be curious or he may have strong gay feelings. Regardless, your only concern where his school is concerned should be that you be there to support and love him if he needs it in that area. His schoolmates may not even care, or may be actively supportive. Schools can be like that in some places these days.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

First of all Hi.

Then I think it's great that you are open minded and supportive of gay issues, but I think it is very problematic that you are spying on your Kids (because yes it is spying).
It is a massive breach of trust that you're reading their massages, just imagine how you would feel when you found out your Kids can and do read all your conversations (And if this works over cloud perhaps it even works both ways but I am absolutely no expert since I don't use this myself).
I think you should definitely stop reading their massages and look for a way to "repair" this so that their massages won't even come to your iPad (so there's no more temptation).

Then on to your other questions and concerns:

15 is definitely not to young to know for sure you are gay as a lot of people here will confirm to you (I myself "knew" earlier but denied it for a long time, which is definitely not healthy). And also that you had no inkling that he might be gay does mean nothing, all people I came out to were genuinely surprised, most of all my Mum. I know people and especially mothers themselves think that mothers generally know, but this is by far not always the case.

Then when he decides he wants to experiment there is nothing you can really do to prevent this from happening. The only thing you could possible do is having an open talk with him about how you fell about this matter. But when you do this you would have to tell him that you spied on him and didn't respect his privacy. I don't know how good your relationship with your Son is but if I were him I would probably not want to talk to you for a while and perhaps even just have sex to annoy you.
Weather you tell him this is up to you but you must be aware that there will be consequences.

Also I think your fear of word going on social media is understandable but ask yourself if your concern is really primarily for your son or is it really about what society will think of you and your whole family if this gets out. because your last point reads as if you are not really as accepting and open to the possibility as you want to believe yourself even if its only subconscious.
On a different note I don't think it's too likely that it gets on facebook unless your son wants to come out, and if this is the case you should be proud of his brave decision.

you said your older son is not out to his brother, perhaps it would help him gain the trust and confidence to come out to you if he knew his brother is gay and you are still accepting and loving him? But again I don't think it would be appropriate to out his brother to him but perhaps you could nudge your older sun a little, so he tells his brother himself.

 

Hi FloridaMom,

What a dilemma! I'm a parent, two kids, 20 & 17. The bottom line for me, as a parent, regardless of any other consideration, is safety. If you think your son will engage in behavior that will put him at risk, you need to act and deal with the fallout from the secretly reading his messages. If you feel his judgment is reasonable and is is not taking big risks, wait it out. I don't care about hurt feelings or anger when I feel either of my kids is doing something that will lead to a bad situation. The other day I picked up my 20 year old slightly drunk daughter at the train from the city at 2:30am. She was very upset because one of her friends wouldn't leave the bar with her to make the last train and was thus stuck in the city alone. I said I would call her parents, as I know them. She said, "you can't, she'll be so mad at me for saying anything". I said which is more important, her safety, or her being mad at you for taking care of her. After a while, she agreed but by then her friend had texted her that she did indeed call her parents. Hope it works out ok.

 

I agree with what mostly everyone has said but I will reiterate.

I think you need to cut off Messages through iCloud on your iPad. It's flat out spying and you shouldn't be doing it, no question. That is the reason why I don't share an iCloud with my sister and mom. You need to understand that if you bring it up, he will be pissed. That's simply how it will be. There's no easy way to work your way around this.

As for 15 being too young? No, it's not. I first came out at 14 and I'm 16 now. He may still be questioning and he may already know for a fact that he's gay.

As for him wanting to experiment...there's no easy way around this either. If you bring this up, he'll know you were spying. I say let him personally. Did you already have the talk with him? If you haven't then do, he already probably knows more than you think but still it may be good. If you have, and this may seem awkward, maybe nonchalantly a box of condoms into the medicine cabinet of his bathroom, that way you know he's being safe. No matter what you say on the matter, he will experiment if he wants to. Just be happy it's with a boy his age and not with some pervert he met off Craigslist.

And news travelling fast...hmm, well it does. If your son knows he is gay, then maybe he's already out to some friends. By my freshmen year I was already out to a handful of friends. Is this boy a friend of his?

I do agree with others that your older son should come out to his brother. It will make your younger son most likely feel better about his sexuality and will possibly be more willing to come out to you.

You are a great mom for being so open-minded, but stop the spying!

Just my two cents.

 

I really would not be happy with my parents for spying on me, but if I found out that they had been and they hadn't told me I would be very angry with them. Obviously you telling him that you have been spying on him won't go down well, but it is better than the alternative of him possibly finding out one day and being much more angry with you. As for being too young to know, read my profile.

 

it is great that you are accepting of your son. he definitely has some sort of concern about how his parents will react (we all had that problem). the fact that you are fine with it will really mean a lot to him, even if he already knows that you are accepting.

as for the whole situation, i'm going to be honest. i'm the same age as your son. i could easily find a way to have sex, even though my parents watch me like a hawk. you can tell him not to, and try to get him to wait, but if he wants to, he will. the best thing you can do is talk to him about safe sex.

one thing i can say for sure is that you should let your son know that his boyfriend is welcome at your house. opening your home to his boyfriend will mean a lot to your son, and his boyfriend. . the worst thing in the world would be to have a family that doesn't accept his relationship.

it's really great that you love your son regardless of his sexual orientation, i wish my parents were as accepting.

 

All I can say is that you can ask him to wait until he is 18 for sex and that he'll thank you in return for waiting. Don't demand but have it as a two way conversation so it's mutual obligation. The problem with pushing and demanding is that it is possible to drive them into doing it.

As a parent, we don't personally have any taboos so all discussions can be held. Our eldest is 16, our next is 12. We ask that they wait until they are at least 16 to 18 years old because they do risk pregnancy, etc but were they to have sex anyway, to do so in their own bedroom where they are safe to call out to somebody. Our eldest is waiting till she is ready.

I personally have found that talking with children while maintaining the role of parent(not friend) has been the best way to communicate and lead them.

 

I would turn to your other, older son, if they get along well enough.
If your son is close enough to his brother that he can come out, that totally gives you prerogative and cause to have a discussion about sex and being safe regardless of it being gay or straight.
I think you are right to be worried. In my personal opinion, I would continue to keep slight tabs on what the texts, but only if you feel as if your son is in danger. There is a fine line between invading his privacy just to exert parental control, and invading privacy to fulfill your parental duties.
You are very right about the experimenting thing. In all honesty, I think that it's largely influenced by society on how sexuality is a blown up issue that causes people to worry. It's tragic that something so simple complicates so many lives, purely because of other people's beliefs or discomfort. You should understand steadfast that gay, straight, or bi, I believe the difference is purely what gender you are attracted to, not what age you begin your sexual activities.
Having said that though, regular dates I would encourage if you think he is just "confused". But never, ever assume that being gay is for the attention. It is not taken well in most cases.

 

You're both excellent parents.

I agree with the condoms for your son. We bought a box for our eldest and gave them to her with the advice that providing the condoms is not an act of consent but a precaution for just in case.

 

Good idea.
Make sure your child is educated on practicing safe sex, because although there isn't pregnancy risk, there are still other infections and diseases that can be transmitted, whether it's with a boy or a girl. This is all can be better determined if the other boy has never experimented before, or has experimented sexually.
Keep in mind, condoms have been found to sometimes not be effective in cases of herpes and HPV. Both these diseases have a significant number of people who have the infection but don't show symptoms.
You two are great parents . I wish you the best and hope everything works out.

 

Hi, FloridaMom, I'm chiming in late. First, you are cool parents because you are rolling with this. (It doesn't matter where you are in FL, but parts are liberal and cosmopolitan and other parts are in the "Bible Belt.") At any rate, it struck me as interesting that you suspected your first son was gay but were sort of taken aback that the second son might be. While there are stereotypical behaviors, they are not always valid. I'm wondering what was it about the first and second sons that told you "yay-nay" from the get go. At any rate, maybe the adage that mothers just know is true in most cases.

Echoing what others have said, the single most important thing is safety during sexual experimentation. So, unlike other parents who can't discuss this, you seem progressive by being able to do so.

Let your kids become more open with each other on their own schedule. It doesn't have to be before the older one goes off to college. It can happen while he's in college, on a school break or during a holiday. I knew of a family with two gay brothers who couldn't stand each other for many years and, over time, have become very close. It just happened. If they are already friends, it will happen sooner than later.