Hi EC people. This seems like a very caring community, so I thought I might just kind of talk this out. I really don't have anyone else I can discuss this with. I'm a single parent of two great kids, in my mid thirties, living in a very small town. A couple months ago, my 14 year old daughter told me, via facebook chat no less, that she was bi. It's funny, I think it's easier for her to talk to me that way than it is when we're doing the face to face thing. Maybe less pressure that way. She was all freaked out, worried about what my reaction was going to be, very tentative and unsure. I was so glad that she felt comfortable opening up to me; she's always been a very private little girl when it came to how she's feeling. I let her know that I love her no matter what; that I accept her completely exactly the way she is regardless of who she likes - boys, girls, or whatever, and that she can talk to me any time she needs to about it. I decided it was time to be open with her as well, in the interest of honesty, and let her know that I myself have known I was bi and into girls since I was 16. That was a bit of a shocker for her. She told me she has a crush on one of her little friends. All in all, I think she got exactly the reassurance that she needed then. Today she told me that tomorrow when she goes to school she's going to ask her 'crush' to go out with her. I'm scared snotless. On the one hand, I'm so happy that she's comfortable enough with herself to actually do something like this. I never was and possibly never will be. I'm a big old closet queen, except for a few very select people. But on the other hand, this is a very public statement of who she is and that terrifies me. Most of my family is not very understanding to say the least. My own brothers and sisters don't even know that I'm into women, to say nothing of grandparents, etc. My mom knows, but even at age 30+ she thinks it's sort of a phase. And the area I live in is very small and super conservative - one of those places where everybody knows everyone else and they're always up in everyone's business. So contemplating the possible ramifications of things like this is a scary thing. Please don't misunderstand. I could not be prouder of my beautiful, strong, and very brave daughter. I wouldn't have her be anyone other than exactly who she is. But I'm so scared for her. I'm afraid of how my family will react when and if they find out. I'm scared of how the people she goes to school with will treat her. I'm scared of how the narrow-minded shmucks that teach will treat her. But I can't tell her to hide it; I don't want her to end up having to spent her whole life hiding who she is. I don't want HER to be afraid the way I am. But there's so much ugliness and hurtfulness out there; I wish there was some way I could shield her from all of that. I'm feeling very conflicted at the moment.
Hi and welcome to EC melodicmom! What you are feeling is being the parent of a teenager (in that situation myself) with the added burden of a daughter who is coming out into a not very accepting world. Being a parent of a teenager means being in between holding on and letting go, and it's gut-wrenching, and it happens too fast and...well...where has all the time gone? I miss the good ol' days when I could protect her always! Fact is, you can't be there always for her, she will have to go through some pain at times, and you so desperately wish you could help her...but you have to let go, a little at first, then more and more. Keep posting with us, it's important to share these (normal, if not comfortable) feelings.
Hi, the best time is when the kids are small. Very small. Once they start with the kindergarten the sweet life with almost no worries is over Suddenly the parents can't watch them 24/7. It's painful to see that and to know that you have to let that happen. And that no matter how well you have brought them up, they will also need luck to meet the right people and to stay away from any harm. She probably knows, but tell her that she needs to consider your neighborhood in terms of safety. Try to give her advice how to react to not friendly reaction at school - give her a few examples what to say - to her classmates and her teacher. Let her know that if there is any trouble you will be by her side. Even if that meant to go to the school and talk to the headmaster. Let her know that she will be the one who will decide if you should interfere or not. Just knowing that you are watching her back could make her life easier. welcome to the forum
Being gay or bi in todays society can be rough, but you have already lessened the blow 10 fold by being as accepting of her as you are. The hardest part is usually the parents, your parents are suppose to have your back no matter what, and some parents go so far as to disown their own children when you find out. It will be good for her to know, that no matter what, she still has you on her side, and although she may encounter some negativity, just be sure to let her know that you are there for her if she needs you ^)^
First I want to say Thank You!! That Thank You is for being a wonderful mother accepting her daughter as bisexual. As you have said you are completely supportive of her and her decisions. All you can do now is remain supportive....who knows she may get hurt by telling the world that she is "into" girls but then again she may not. At 14 years old they feel they are world beaters and actually in some ways they are. Let her make her go at it...this world is a harsh world but with the right support and love it can be easier.
Thank you, really, for being so awesome. I think a lot of us want you to adopt us I recently dealt/am still dealing with coming out to my parents (first as lesbian, then as genderqueer), and I'd like to second most of what everyone else has said. My mom was also pretty cool (although I don't think she actually went and did research for me) but was/is also scared for me and really, really expressed that. It hurt. I'm not sure why, I know it's not because she thinks being gay is the problem or that she's ashamed of me, but it still did. Maybe it's because she's telling me not to be brave, to hide and let fear rule my life when that isn't a choice that I made myself. So the thing is, for the most part, it's her choice. Your job is to keep her safe, emotionally as well as physically. If you really think she's in physical danger, then you need to step in, but she's the only one who knows how much something hurts emotionally. She's the only one who can say "I can take people calling me names at school. In fact, sometimes it makes me feel strong and brave to stand up for myself," or "It's not worth it anymore, the verbal bullying hurts too much, I'm going to closet myself a little more for a while." The best thing you can do is be her advocate. It's going to be tough, you're going to have to be as brave as she is (and you don't get to make the decision as to how brave that is). If she gets bullied at school, go talk to the principle (unless she expressly tells you not to for a reason other than "they'll be mad I tattled"). Talk to the guidance office. Talk to her teachers. Go to a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) meeting in your nearest city and find resources. Fight for anti-bullying programs in her school. Fight for teacher ed programs about inclusion of sexual and gender minorities. Fight for her to have the teachers who will support her. Fight for the bullies to be disciplined and removed from her classes. Even more than that though, ask her how/when she wants to come out to the rest of the family. If she doesn't (or not right now), that's fine. If she wants to tell Aunt Jane, that's fine too. But you need to call/visit Aunt Jane right afterward and impress upon her that you love her, but that she will not be a part of your life or your kids' lives if she is homophobic. You might be saying goodbye to some family for a while. Through all this, you show your daughter that you have her back 100%, but that you respect her right to make decisions about this since it's her life. You also show her that she is your number one priority. Something I can't help with is your other kid. I'm a single child, so although I'm sure they will be affected, I don't have any experience with that. You might enjoy checking out Lori's blog, Raising My Rainbow | Adventures in raising a fabulously gender creative son.. She is the mother of two sons, one of whom is gender-nonconforming. Also, I would like to add that A) your avatar is gorgeous, and B) we never stop growing. Just because you haven't explored your attraction to women yet doesn't mean it will never be an option. Good luck, keep us posted!
I agree with Lunarchy completely. Coming out to you was probably the most difficult thing for her. Coming out at school won't matter to her as much because she has your support. Not that it is easy. But I think you have helped her so much already by your reaction.
