Advice please re my 14 year old son

Oh to have had a parent with such an open mind when I was 14...seriously...!

So anyway. Lets start with this bit:

"As far as he was concerned the big issue he had just told me was not that he was gay but that he had been lying to me. The big issue to me was that my son had just come out to me, but it seemed as if that was a non-event almost to him."

For starters your son might not consider himself gay. I'm not saying he isn't but it is entirely possible that at the moment he considers himself straight but there is something about gay porn he finds appealing. For the record, if I was your son I really wouldn't want to be asked about this too much as you can probably imagine!

I'm not sure where I stand on what to say to him. On the one hand, I would feel obligated to ask him about it because clearly he thinks he is doing something you will consider to be bad and you want to show support. on the other hand, I wouldn't want to put ideas in his head that aren't there by having you bring up his sexuality.

you could ask him which bit upsets him. If he says the fact that he can't stop watching porn and is worried it'll get him in trouble or something then you can deal with it as you would anything else. If he's worried about the fact that its just GAY porn and he isn't sure what to make of it maybe send him this way...I'm sure others will have better ideas

 

First, welcome to EC Someones Mum!

Second, he is taking it for granted that he is gay (what upsets him was having lied to you), if he is that far certain, he is most probably gay. You are a parent and therefore right to feel anxiety, it is not an easy life. On the other hand, living in the closet is a nightmare from which I am trying to recover. It's lies on top of lies, and it never ends until the door opens.

It is easier than ever for gay people to marry and have children, either through surrogacy or adoption, you may need to lay that concern to rest for his sake, it is upsetting I know, but there are ways around it.

The best way to approach him is to first hug him to bits, tell him that you love him no matter what, then let him speak, just listen, then when he is done, ask questions, share your concerns lovingly, saying only that you want what's best for him and that you want him to be his true self and happy.

Try to steer away from suggesting it's a phase or he's too young, it probably isn't and it won't be helpful. In the unlikely event that he changes his mind later, then so be it, you need to respect how he sees himself now and in the future.

Yes, do all you can to protect him, speak with others who have been through this, both here at EC and perhaps with (LGBT-friendly) counselling. Look at the PFLAG website for more information, it is a valuable resource.

Most of all, be proud of him and for the courage it took for him to tell you who he is.

 

Its hard at 14 because he could very well be gay but he might also just be straight and curious about his own body. If I was you , I would just tell him that you want him to know that you will accept him no matter what and that he can tell you if anything bothers him.Actually,I would have loved my parents to have caught up to the fact I was gay when I was a kid , it would have saved me several years in the closet. You are a good mother

 

Welcome to EC Someones Mum, from another brand new member.

The reply from Greatwhale are my thoughts exactly. He couldn't have said it better. Your son is at that stage in his young life where curiosity about himself and feelings are totally normal. Just give him all your love, understanding, and listen to what he says...not to what you may want to hear.

My wife, of 45 years and counting, raised three boys and never had this issue. But, the hardest thing I ever did in my life was to open up to her and explain that I was bisexual. That was sixteen years ago.

Best of luck, it will be fine.

 

I wish every mum was like you

 

Welcome to EC! I only have two real big things to say.

1. You're a kick-ass mother, and don't you forget it.

2. When your son asks you questions that you don't have answers to, you might suggest you found Empty Closets. "Well, I'll admit - I don't know much about this. But after our phone conversation, I went online to look around. And I found a website that has a lot of gay teenagers on it, where they talk about how they figured things out and everything. And some of them look like they've had some of the problems that you're having. Maybe you can go there, and they can give you some advice?"

If that sounds like something you might want to try, I can delete this thread so your son won't come across it.

Lex

 

Oh to have had access to the internet when I was 14...
or to have had a mother who was truly only concerned for my happiness, instead of one who felt it necessary to remind me regularly that I was their only hope for the 'perfect child' and had better not turn out like my older siblings :eusa_naug reprobates, both of them...
it may have spared me 20+ years of discontent, never quite understanding why.

As a mother of two boys, 14 and 18, my best advice would be to put all your own fears aside - those are yours to cope with on your own, don't lay them on him, he's got enough to deal with and fewer coping methods at this age. I would address the dishonesty as the biggest issue right now. I'm not saying I'd discipline him for it, but make him understand that he can and should be completely honest and open with you about absolutely anything. If you can make certain he understands that and truly believes it and trusts you, the rest will come - when he's ready. My guess is that you're already pretty much of the way there, if his phone call is anything to judge by.

Don't offer unsolicited information or advice, but assure him that if and when he's ever concerned or curious, you will answer his questions honestly (it is a two way street, after all) and that if you don't know the answers, you will do everything in your power to help him find the answers he's looking for.

Then do the hardest thing you'll ever have to do - sit back and wait, follow his lead, and don't push, one way or another. It won't be easy, but your relationship with your son will benefit in the end.

Good luck. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

 

This is a common theme amongst gay people.
He feels guilty for not telling you about his homosexuality sooner. He's had to hide a part of himself from you for quite a long time because, he himself, was unsure whether he was gay or not (and then likely moved on to just hoping he wasnt gay - fooling himself in to believing that he could be straight).
He's afraid that you may think that he tricked you or something.

You need to make sure he understands that you dont feel betrayed that he lied to you about his sexuality (or anything relating to it).

When did you realise you were straight?
And, before you jump to an answer, think about it for a while. I havent asked you when you had your first overtly sexual thoughts... I've asked you when you realised you liked boys or a boy. Did you ever have a crush on someone when you were a young girl? Did you ever look at a guys body (maybe on a poster or on a beach) and feel differently about it than you did about womens bodies?

The fact is, your son could've realised or been suspicious that he was gay since he was as young as 5 years old... or even younger. He may have been having gay thoughts before he even knew what gay was. Or then again he may have just started to have them a few months ago.

Different people develop at different rates.

Its not up to you to tell him this. He will figure it out for himself. He has been questioning himself for what may amount to years. It took him time to accept that he may possibly be gay... and now you want to try and set him back or confuse him all over again? For what purpose?

You are going through the same stages as he is going through (although, to a lesser extent). You wish that he was heterosexual just like he did/does. But wishing it wont make it so.

Let your son come to his own conclusions about his sexuality. You being in a state of denial over his sexuality will just make him feel like he has let you down.

Why not? It may help him. Leave it up to him whether he wants the support of this forum or not.
You think we're going to influence him more to be gay or something, is that your issue?

Talk about it all. Be interested in him. Dont be afraid to ask questions. Bring it up in casual conversation in the future. You dont want him to think that the subject of his sexuality is taboo.

It would have. Maybe not to a great extent... but it would have.
Have you ever mentioned girls around him? Have you told him how much the girls would find him handsome? Have you joked with him about how you saw him looking at a girl or you saw a girl looking at him? ETC.
The fact is, you expected him to be heterosexual from the moment he was born. You expected him to have kids. You expected him have girlfriends and all that stuff.
He knows this. So, on some level, he feels he let you down.

I'm sure he will.
He may have already.

Unfortunately you cant protect him from that... not completely anyway.

He may adopt. Or he may have artificial insemination.

 

I would kill to see my mum go to this much trouble to understand my problems! You son is lucky!

 

You are a terrific mother for going through this, well done!

 

Ditto that!!!

 

I think the worst thing you could do is treat him differently because he is gay.

I think when your son comes home and you 2 are alone you are probably going to have to do most of the listening and just be there for support and hugs.

Suggesting it may be a phase wouldn't be good. It was suggested to me when I was 12 years old by my mother and it just forced me deeper into the closet for the next 18 years when I tried to be someone I wasn't. at 14, if your son believes he is gay, you are going to have to believe he is right, because I know I was right when I was 12

I think the fact that he has already come to you, be it on the phone, speaks volumes for the love and trust you son has for you and that in turn speaks volumes of the sort of mother you are

You have trusted your intuition to now and it has served you well, continue that way.

 

I would also try to separate the issue of being gay and the issue of sexual addiction. He may be feeling guilty over the fact that he's looking at gay porn rather than the fact that he's looking at porn.

If he's struggling with how much he's masturbating, ask him what he would like to do about it. Ask him if he wants an accountability partner, counseling, or even Internet blocking software. If it's your idea to put Internet filters on, it's just going to drive it further underground (ask me how I know this). I'd also see if there's a LGBT center around you and if they have anything for teens.

My parents caught me looking at heterosexual porn when I was about his age and threw it all out. All I learned was how to hide it better!

 

I realized I was gay about the age of 12 or 13 so it's not uncommon for a 14 year old boy to know he is gay at that age.

The good thing is that there seems to be a high level of trust between you and your son which is testament to the fact that you are a really awesome mom.

The best advice I can give to you is to continue to listen to him as well as affirm your love for him no matter what.

 

As far as the porn goes, if you pretend its not big deal he is less likely to be obsessed with it than if it is this big horrible thing. If you have a problem with it, wait till he turns 16 or so then start asking him to turn it down a bit, so to say.

If i was in his shoes. The most i could ask for is:

-things not to be awkward
-for my parent to be fine with it, and let me express myself (within reason given highschool)
-a completely accepting mindset, but secrecy. dont out him to anybody

Now what you should convey to him is that:

-since he is entering high school and late puberty, tell him to leave his mindset open concerning orientation. He can think he is gay and say he is gay, but at least leave it open in case he drifts away.
-ALWAYS have safe sex
-if you have any major morals concerning sexual behavior, you should probably make sure he understands.

 

Moms are so awesome. I mean, really. Lol. You guys worry about our well being 30 years from the point we're at now. Which is cool. You're definitely a great mom. I think telling him about the site is an okay thing. It's a fine line here. You have to, on one hand, accept him as being gay and on the other hand, let him know that he can't view porn in your home if that's how you feel. I'd say moving his computer to a neutral location in the home is how you can address that, but it's important to keep the lines of communication open with him because like you mentioned, hormones are raging..and it can be the loneliest feeling in the world to realize that you're different from your peers and that there's no place for your feelings really. I can't image coming out at 14, so I may not have the best advice regarding how to deal with that portion of things. I think you still have to be firm about what you expect from him and that going to sites for educational purposes, such as our site, would be an ok thing to do. We talk about a great deal of things here, but none of it touches on actual dating with any of the members, so it's very good for resources. I wish you guys the best of luck on the journey. And hopefully, having you to talk to and hopefully some newer friends that may be going through the same thing will help him cope with his teenage years. From what I've found, feminine men usually are more courageous than masculine ones, which is ironic, but awesome. So if he is more feminine, there may be less to worry about as far as him fitting in. The good thing is that society is getting better, but he'll really have a chance to be who he wants to be and feel welcomed entering college.