I have been suspicious that my 16 year old daughter might be a lesbian or Bi for a couple of months now. I was waiting for her to tell me, but things started to become very obvious to me. She seemed to be struggling the last fee weeks and just not herself, so I confronted her and her "best friend" on Sunday night. They confirmed, I asked if they were happy and they said yes. Her girlfriend, as I know her to be now, went back to college. She was home for my daughters 16th. I spoke with her at length last night and am very upset to hear that she came out to 3 of her friends on the Volleyball team. One if them went and ran her mouth to the rest of the team, which as you can imagine, upset her very much. Hence, the terrible week she was having, a couple weeks ago. I am so angry with this girl (stupid child to put it nicely) for betraying her like this. She plans to tell more people now, and it is very important to her that she does this, not me or any horrible "friends". I love her and am feeling very sad and very angry at the same time. I am not sure what to do about the anger with this girl that outed her. I have known her since they were little and have coached her in the past and even know her parents pretty well. What I would like to do is smack her and ask her how she could be so awful. Just having a lot of emotions right now, feeling protective of my girl and worried for her. Any advice is welcomed. Thanks for listening.
They way this girl has behaved has had a negative impact on you and your daughter, but in reality the one that will suffer the most is that girl because what people say about you does not define the person you and your daughter are, it only defines the person that this untrustworthy girl is. Give up your anger and move on, your daughter needs you ---------- Post added 3rd Oct 2013 at 05:11 AM ---------- P.S. PFLAG New York
I agree with what dfiant said, and maybe go ahead and explain that to your daughter as well. It may not make her feel 100% better, but it could give her a different outlook/perspective about things.
The reality is, news of someone's gay sexual orientation is still one of the hottest pieces of "gossip" that can spread around a high school or middle school campus. I always advise any teen who is planning to tell a similar-age friend that there is a pretty good possibility the information will not stay with that friend... usually what happens is the friend tells it to another with a "You have to promise you won't tell anyone" caveat which is rarely kept. So at this point... anger at the girl who told is pretty pointless. The cat's out of the bag, and there isn't anything anyone can do about it because you can't "unring the bell". So the best bet is for your daughter to just take a deep breath and own it. It's going to mean a more abrupt coming out than she was planning, but at the end of the day, I think it will probably end up better for her than any other solution available at present. Sad to say but honestly, in this day and age, expecting a teen to hold onto a secret that big is probably not very realistic, and so being angry at her, while I understand the anger, is not too far off of putting a wad of cash in front of a thief and being surprised when he takes some or all of the cash. In most of the experiences I've seen described here, once the closeted person just owns who they are... there may be some name-calling and other unpleasant behavior, but the more she just owns who she is and, when someone calls her "dyke" or whatever other hurtful words they can think of, if she just responds with "Yeah, and your point is?" or something like that... it tends to take all the power out of the insults, and most of the bullies will simply move on to someone else.
Thank you all so much for sharing your advice and experiences. She did have a rough day yesterday. A boy in school changed her name to include the word gay and the same boy also harassed my 15 yr old step son as well. One of her teachers, who is currently not completely out, saw my girl was upset and took her in the hall and let my girl cry a little. It seems that there are a lot more good people and supportive people out there than jerks. This is a good sign. I plan to keep a close eye on her and check in everyday, as I always have. I will tell her that I have let the anger go towards the girl, we don't have time or energy to waste on her anyways. Thanks again to all of you!!
Very good...anger is not an emotion that is good to hold on to, especially in a situation like yours when love is need for support. Well done
