my daughter might be a lesbian (what do I do?)

First off, it's awesome that your views of your daughter won't change whether she is straight or gay.

Secondly, I don't think you should confront her about it again. I think you should just reassure her that no matter what is going on in her life and no matter who she chooses to befriend, or date, that you are there for her and she can come to you. This way she knows that if, or when, the timing is right to tell you she is gay, then she should feel more comfortable about it knowing where you already stand.

Also, if she is a lesbian, it is extremely scary to come out -- especially to family members. It's a very big life change. Once people know, it makes it feel more real, more set in stone that it is what it is. Hiding this part of yourself becomes like second nature that once it is out in the open (and hopefully accepted), it is very hard to get used to, although usually very liberating.

Best of luck to you and your daughter!

 

My mom used to stress to us that we could come to her for anything, no matter what it was. It kinda helped that I have multiple cousins who are gay, so I saw her reactions with them.

The fear never goes away. Even after you come out, it still lingers in the back of your mind that somehow things could backfire. It's a very scary thing to have to do, even if she knows that you'll accept her completely.

This is probably not the best way to go about this, and I don't recommend it, but this is what my mother did. I started dating my girlfriend (who I kept telling her was just a friend). She suspected something more. So she cornered me in my kitchen one day and pretty much flat out told me I was gay. She started off joking about this girl being my girlfriend and it ended up with me agreeing with her. It took her off guard bc I had denied it for so long, but she knew.

I still lived at home and wasn't in college so it was pretty easy for her to pinpoint it, since I've had the same three friends my entire life. You mentioned your daughter is in college, so it might not be the same. She could have one life around you and a whole other life at college, assuming she goes to school away from home. This could also make it difficult, merging these two worlds.

 

I'd say, as hard as it is for you, to just wait it out. If something is going on with this "friend" and it gets serious, she won't wanna hide it for much longer after that.

If she knows that she can come to you, then your part is done. Just know that whatever she is doing, she is happy. And happiness can only be contained for so long before she'll wanna share it with you.

Best of luck! And good job on being a great parent. They're hard to come by these days

 

When I read your post at first I thought it was my mom.. I understand how your daughter feels.. I have not yet come out to my parents, I know they will love me no matter what, I know it however it is still scary, and a big step and I cant help but worry. Your daughter knows you love her, she just needs sometime.. I want to tell my parents, but I just am waiting until I am fully ready and comfortable and it feels right. You sound like an amazing mother and you are doing all of the right things, just give her time. Aside from telling you she feels like she is coming out to the world, and the world can be such an ugly place. By telling you, it makes it real, and she probably isn't fully prepared, or 100% comfortable yet, she is still working everything out. It is not your fault, and she isn't keeping it from you because she is afraid you wont love her, she is still afraid of her feelings. Everything will work out!

 

Well the same or similar events take place in my family as because every one thinks my female cousin is a lesbian, but when we ask she walks away all pissed off most of us are sure she is gay but we dont force her to tell nor do we hate her we love her no matter what. In all just don't pressure her into it as she may lie or she may try to distance her self more.

 

" I would have expected her to get over the fear by now."

I started realising I was gay in jr. high and I'll be 33 in December. I still haven't told my parents. I have that tentatively scheduled for right after hell freezes over for the third time, but it's beginning to look like I may have to push it back a bit.

If she decides she is ready to tell you she will. Until then you just have to wait it out and love her. It may be hard but it's really all you can do. If you try to force it out of her you may end up hurting your relationship. So, the question is 'Do you think it's better to have a relationship with your daughter even though she may be hiding the fact she's gay from you or would you rather push her and risk losing the relationship you have now?'.
If you choose the first one the only thing you can do is wait. If you choose the latter you might as well corner her tomorrow and hope for the best because you will do it eventually anyway.

I really hope you pick the first option.

 

You could like the Facebook page Have a Gay Day. Let her know, see how she reacts. Maybe some outward measures of acceptance would indicate a supportive stance. Worst case scenario she'll be proud of you, best case scenario she'll come out to you.

 

I mean, last time the issue was right out in the open you broke down crying. Like it or not that reaction will influence her willingness to bring it up again. Who knows, maybe she's perfectly straight and she WAS just curious, once upon a time. Ultimately, speaking through actions your acceptance and comfort with the LGBT community is not only a great message to send your children, but a good way to show them you will accept them, no matter who they love.

 

Hiding the fact the she's may be suffering and miserable. I hide the fact that I'm gay for 19 years from my family. It was really tough and sad until I even thought of suiciding but I wouldn't do that. If I am dead, how's my family would gonna be like? And I can't accept the fact that my family know that I'm gay. So it was like stuck in between suiciding and coming out to them. 3 months ago I had the most difficult time in my life that forced me to come out to my family and now I feel much more better.

Your daughter may feel the same way as I did and she may be struggling with it. If you want her to come out to you instead of you asking her, you should try to let her know that you think homosexual is nothing...indirectly.

 

My mom is an ally, and she's my best friend. I know she'd be fine with me liking girls, but it's still weird for me to talk about sexual attraction with her...because she's my mom. So, I haven't told her. Probably won't unless I start seriously dating a girl. Maybe it's something like that. She might be waiting for it to be necessary to tell you. It can be hard to discuss that subject with someone who knew you before you were a sexual being. It's like having the sex talk multiplied by ten, because it's personal. But, it is pretty fantastic that you're concerned and accepting enough to come here and ask for our side of things. You're a great mom, and I'm sure she'll tell you when she feels ready. It's hard not being what your parents expect you to be, even if it's not a bad thing. Your own expectations get tied up in theirs, and that's a hard thing to break away from. Just keep showing her that you'll be supportive in the little ways, and she'll come around.

 

' May I ask what has kept you in the closet so long?'

First I had to come to terms with my sexuality. I absolutely did not want to be gay so for years I did everything I could to try to bury those feelings, but because they are a part of me they still came back. I have finally accepted who I am and was out to several of my friends when I lost my job earlier this year and was forced to move. I love my dad but he is a big time homophobe. As far as telling my mother goes, our relationship could be described as 'strained' at best. To be honest if it weren't for the biological programming that forces parents/ children to love each other me and my mother would only speek to each other if it was absolutely necessary.

 

Wow, congratulations on being a great mom. My mom just digs her head in the sand, ti's painful for the both of us.

I might be going against the current here, but I think that confrontation might actually be good in the sense that it would relieve your daughter of the burden of having to open the topic and break the news to you (which is the hardest part of coming out, IMO). Because of what happened back when she was 13, it's possible that she is terrified to bring up the topic again, yet is dying to share with you that she's in love and happy. I had a somewhat similar situation with my mom a few years ago, and I'm honestly still too traumatized to bring up the whole gay thing again. If she decided to change her mind about how she feels about homosexuality, she'd have to drag me out of the closet. But I can't deny that I desperately need her support and guidance in the romantic area of my life, so it would be a huge relief to me to be able to talk freely to her.

Anyway, you know your daughter best, so whatever approach you feel is better suited to the situation, I wish you all the best and I hope that your relationship with your daughter is only strengthened because of this. May she bring you much pride and happiness as all daughters should.

 

I understand that you love your daughter, and care very much for her.

However she is an adult now, it is time to let go and let her live her life and enjoy the freedom that goes along with that. Yeah it is hard going through the coming out process, but you need to let her work through it. The hardest person to come out is yourself. Until you do that it doesn't matter how much you press the issue.

So in the mean time just provide a safe space and she'll tell you when she is ready.

Beside she might not be gay. Her friend might just be a friend after all.

 

It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that you're gay. Believe me when I say it; it can be very terrifying.

Don't take it personally that she hasn't told you yet. Also, the fact that you were crying when you assumed she was a lesbian can push her back further in the closet....since she would feel like her coming out would completely hurt you which would devastate her in return. A person will come out first when they accept themselves. They THEN come out to friends then their parents. The order follows this way because every person needs to feel a bit stable before they come out to their parents; in the case that they feel their parents would be disappointed.