Hello, This is my first post here, so I hope I am posting in the right place, etc. My AWESOME WONDERFUL son came out to me last month as bi. I had suspected for almost a year, and I fully support him, and love him. My husband is completely on board too. My son has a boyfriend, who is welcome here, and I have talked with the BF's Mom--we get along really well, and are on the same page. My question to all of you in the community...my son has come out to his school friends, who are all very supportive, (Yay!) and to his immediate family. But... I think we should hold off on his coming out to the extended family. We don't see them often, and there are, sadly some members who are fairly homophobic. When he visits, the window is very brief. I have two other friends with gay sons that say they *never* plan on telling the grandparents. I'm not sure I see that as the best thing, but that is their personal decision? My son feels that he should tell anyone and everyone the truth about who he is. I'm thrilled he is happy and confident, but he has yet to face any type of rejection or worse. I'm not sure that there isn't some middle ground here? Anybody have any advice they would like to share? Thanks, hugs to you all!
I always get misty eyed when I read posts from parents who come here looking for advice for their kids. I would let it be his decision, but let him know your fears. Tell him that you worry not that his grandparents will care, but that they might hurt him. It is a subtle difference, but it changes the subject from the grandparents to him.
I'd say for the most part it's up to him but if you feel his safety would be threaten or he'd loose his family you can discourage him from telling them. Personally, the only family member I've told is my cousin. I haven't told my parents yet but once I do I plan on telling my other cousin, my aunt, my uncle, my grandma (she's the only one of my grandparents who is still alive) and one of my dad's cousins, at least, to start. I listed those people as starting point because they're the ones I consider my immediate family since I'm an only child. I apologize for getting off topic to myself a bit, but my point is you'll have to talk to him and decide. Maybe you could tell some but not others. The only problem with that is families aren't always good at keeping secrets. It's up to you two, see if you can meet him halfway. Best of luck to you and your son!
We only see extended family once a year--if we tell some, all will know (with only one exception). There are also some much younger cousins, and I think it might be best to let some time pass before they are ready for this information. With one set of grandparents, it is a distinct possibility that we (as a family) would become persona non grata. If so, then that is their choice, and their loss. But, do we need to bring the press the issue now? I guess the way I see it is, my son's sexual/romantic life has no bearing on his visits with family who live on the opposite side of the country. Perhaps for now, we can separate the two? In some ways I know I am just putting off the inevitable, but I also think the grandparents may have an easier time accepting who he is when he is older, and see that this is who he is and has been, and not think that "it is just a phase--maybe he'll grow out of it." ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2013 at 08:11 PM ---------- Rainbow girl, I wish you all the best in coming out. I suspected that my son was who he was 9 months before he came out, and was wishing all that time that he would tell me, or write me a note--anything! Our relationship is so much better today because of it. I know that isn't true for everyone, but I hope it will be for you.
I think you need to make him aware that there are certain people within the family who could react negatively to his coming out. But ultimately it's his call as to whether he still wants to come out to those people.
Thank you for your kind words. As for your son it's ultimately his call but try to see if you two can meet halfway. If anybody doesn't accept him it's their loss. Also maybe consider health of family members (sorry if this out of line for me to be commenting on). If there's someone in the family who isn't in good health but he'd really like them to know consider telling them now so you don't regret it later (again I apologize if this is out of line of me). For example my grandpa passed away almost three years ago, two years before I started figuring all this out. Since I've discovered this about myself I've wished he could have lived longer so I could have told him because we were very close and I'm fairly certain he would have been one of my biggest supporters. His wife, my grandma, is still alive and I'll tell her someday but I'll probably have to tell her multiple times because her memory is poor, but I can live with that. I hope this helps.
If you decide to tell, don't do it during the family event as things can get very awkward. It's much better if they find out beforehand and have time to get over the initial surprise and then decide if they want to either remain homophobic or become more tolerant. IMO, you should never be afraid to be near them, and definitely parental support will be a great source of strength for your son if they say anything bad.
Thanks for the advice...keep it coming. We have discussed who is likely to be accepting, who will totally not be (but may come to terms with it in time), and the rest we really don't know. I feel very protective--so far he has only encountered love and support. He knows that there are homophobic people in the world, but he hasn't encountered this yet himself. I don't want him to have to fall to see what it feels like...
