My son doesent know, that i know he's gay

Hi Dottydragon, welcome to EC!

It's a joy to see parents who seek help when they don't know how to deal with this, it shows incredible self-knowledge. Indeed for his safety you need to have this conversation, and soon!

Think of something you yourself want to be kept secret (we all have something...no need to share it here of course, just live with it for a while). Now ask yourself: what are the conditions within which you would be willing to share your secret?

What conditions would you need to create for him to open up to you?

Things like tone of voice, location, timing...all these things will have an effect. You know him more than us, so you need to determine what those conditions are. Then when you open the conversation, ask open-ended questions, go at his pace, listen and listen again, but with compassion and calm..

Once he gets to talking, do not mention that you went snooping in his computer, DO mention that giving contact details is unsafe...he should get the hint.

Best of luck!

 

I don't have much to say on this subject, however:

It's much easier to come out to strangers than it is to loved ones. He is probably just naturally apprehensive about how you might react, so he wants to be a little more sure of himself first. Whereas it doesn't matter to him what strangers think. This is a common thing, and I hope you can avoid feeling too upset about it.

 

I second that, Skyline, his action is understandable although its clearly threatening since he is so young and giving out personal information, because of the reasons Chip already explained.

As for an advice, I guess what the replies already put on this thread is completely considerable, I agree with Chip that it may at first hurt the trust of your child but his safety is priority, even if it means going into his personal space, given his age and how he perceives the world. Hopefully, he will understand quickly, but either way I'm sure he will be relieved that you are supportive and is caring for his safety. Please, please make sure he understands you love him no matter what despite his claimed orientation be him sure or still unsure about it, and that you support him. I don't have very supportive parents, specially my dad, and in a situation you have several internal conflicts and fear sentiments, support is the thing you need the most, even if at first he feels mortified, betrayed or ashamed, the support you'll show will relieve him from a great weight inside.

 

Hello! Welcome

 

Hey,

Kudos to you for being so supportive! It says you're male so safe to say you're his father. I think you having a talk with him will definitely help as its not often in the gay community that fathers are supportive. Like Chip and others have said, start by telling him how much you love him and nothing can change that. If he decides to come out to you, tell him that you're happy he chose to confide that to you and then talk about the dangers of posting contact info online.

Good luck!

 

I can't add much to what's already been suggested.
Except that it's generally not a good idea to call it a choice.

 

Does he see a counselor? Maybe getting one to help facilitate a conversation would be useful.

I volunteer as a chat operator on a large chat network. It isn't necessarily even gay-themed, but there are gay people on there.

Without getting into detail, I urge you to both support him but ask him to exercise caution. I read on a daily basis what some people say in these chatrooms. It isn't even older people necessarily going after the teens - despite what you may think, I see many teens going after middle aged men.

I cannot disclose this network as it would be giving away contact information off of this website, if I understand the rules here correctly.

I'm sure he has the best intentions - but not everyone that reads his messages necessarily will have good intentions as well.

I encourage you to be as supportive as possible... I tried to kill myself shortly after coming out to my mother. I wish I had more support when I was 14...

Good luck with everything.

 

Welcome!

I was the same as your son when I was in the closet. Before I came out I, just like your son, asked strangers for advice. It isn't per se because he doesn't want you to know, it's just that sometimes strangers can provide you with needed insight. On this site for example, there are a lot of gay people that know what you're going through and they can give you advice!

I mean, I couldn't ask my parents what's the best way to come out to them as gay. So I turned to the internet. Sites like emptyclosets are quite safe.

I am very happy to read your thread, your son is very lucky to have such an understanding parent! I'm sorry, I cannot provide you with helpful advice, I just wanted to say that I love seeing supportive parents.

 

Whatever you do, make sure you very, very closely monitor his online presence, especially on LGBT sites. Many, if not most of these sites are not places for good 14-year-old boys. *shudder* And don't kid yourself, teens are very, very, smart and if you don't put good parental controls on his computer/phone/whatever, he could easily clear his history (or use the incognito window feature) to hide all sorts of stuff. Maybe let him have a membership to one site you approve of (like this one, although I'm sure you've noticed some discussions which I personally would consider completely inappropriate for a 14-year-old) and make it clear that you'll be conducting random checks on private messages and e-mails. Make sure you also ask him in a non-policing way about his activity on those sites, like the friends he makes, the discussions he has, etc, so he feels comfortable talking to you about what's going on in his (online) life.

You might be reading this and thinking I'm crazy to advocate such draconian measures to protect your son. But let me tell you this: I was once your son. I had freedom to go online wherever, whenever, and since my parents weren't accepting, I took refuge in talking to people online. Eventually, I ended up in a "close," but unhealthy friendship with a married woman about 8 years older than me. Thankfully, I didn't sustain any abuse or anything like that, but it wasn't a good friendship, and to this day, I regret it a bit in the same way one might regret losing their virginity to a stranger with whom they had a one-night stand, because this woman, though she didn't mean to do any wrong, took away my innocence because she didn't understand boundaries. The age difference, the topics of discussion, nd our emotional reliance on one another was all but good. I ended up breaking it off, but it was a difficult decision. I was also a little bit older than your son, and I have a pretty strong character (or so people say), so I don't know your son, but he may be even more vulnerable than I was, at least in this respect.

This happened because I did not have any family support, and because I was allowed to roam free all over the internet. You, unlike my parents, seem to be open to supporting your son, so make sure he knows he can come to you, that way he's less likely to turn to the internet. But be on the safe side by limiting his access to certain sites and monitoring his communication with online strangers. He'll thank you for that one day, believe me.

 

I wonder whether it wouldn't be a good idea to have the "on-line safety" conversation separate from the "I accept you for who you are" conversation.

The latter needs to be one with a lot of love and listening; really kills the tone when the parent needs to assert their authority, however viable, and criticize something a kid has done, however naive or dangerous.

I guess if it were me, and you thought you could have the "I love you for who are" talk first, I would do that and nothing but that, and have that be a special day/night whatever.

Follow up later for sure about his actions on the internet, but speaking as someone with a bi son and a straight daughter, I have had that convo with both my kids, and taught them how a predator triangulates when they are not even given the personal info. (shudders)

If you want to wait for him to come out, have a talk about on-line safety ASAP--it doesn't matter if he is out or not. This little to do with being bi/gay or straight, and everything with just making your kid safe on-line and in this world.

Best.

 

Let him know that you are and always will be concerned for his welfare and well-being. A dedicated and committed relationship is still possible if you accept him for who he is. When his homosexuality continues to mature and develop you will never be completely blind of his sexual relationships which will include intercourse. Let him know that his gender identification with the same sex allows him to be exactly who he is without reservation as to how each of you may have thought he would be expected to behave. I share your identification with unconditional love. If the time is right let him know that other women maybe the wrong thing in his case, and that you are able to understand at least that much for the time being.

 

Hello and welcome!

First, I think all of the advice already on the table is great! I think, if you are worried about potentially breeching his trust, then Lolachan's idea might be a good one. If you have two separate conversations, instead of one big one, you're more likely to drive both points home. That would also allow you, if you're not sure how to mention seeing his internet activity or are worried that all he'll hear when you bring it up is "I was snooping", to bring up the topics in a different way. For example, you could mention reading an article or seeing something in the news that might have made you want to discuss the topic of internet safety, just to make sure he's being careful. Hopefully he'll get the idea and realise what he's doing is potentially dangerous without you having to point out that he's specifically done anything.

The other talk is a delicate thing. You want to make sure he knows you really mean it and have his back. If you want him to open up to you, then one of the best things you can do is show a little support for the LGBT community. (Ex: "Ellen had her wife on her show this morning, they seem like a very happy couple!") Chances are, if he knows he's gay, he's been looking for subtle ways to gauge your feelings about homosexuality. Little nods of approval can mean the world to us when we're unsure of how to come out to our parents - the fact is, in most cases we're terrified to come out to you guys. We don't want to lose your love and support, especially over something that's out of our control, like our sexuality and gender identity. I know that sometimes it's hard for straight people to try and put themselves in our shoes, but just try to think back to when you started to realise how much you liked girls. It's important that you know that your son is going through the exact same experience, but coming to realise his feelings for guys. You seem like a very loving father, and your son is very lucky to have you. Make sure he knows it!

If you do think that it would be best to be completely open with him about seeing his internet activity, and would prefer to have one conversation and kill two birds with one stone, make sure to be very tactful so that things go smoothly. Make sure he knows that you're just worried, and want to make sure he's staying safe. He might feel hurt that you saw what he's been doing online, but make sure he knows you just want to be honest with him about it in the hopes that he'll be honest with you too. You want to make a bond, not break a bond. When my dad tried to have conversations like this with me, they were always clunky and authoritarian, and I was usually very upset and always felt like he was snooping. He is not a tactful man. Looking back I know he cared about me and was just concerned, but it did make my teenage years more difficult, and we butted heads a lot, because he just couldn't bring his concerns up in a tactful way.

 

Hey Dottydragon,

I was never in the same situation as your son. I NEVER went online at a young age to find anything out about being gay. I was in denial about it until recently. I didn't have anyone to talk to because people already teased me about anything and everything. Because of this, I took part in everything possible at school to avoid any free time to have a relationship or talk to people. My dad never gave me the sex talk, never inquired about any crushes, never implied he wanted to know or care either. Considering I have been making plans for commercial livestock operations and composite breeds of livestock based on specific traits and my understanding of punnet squares and genetics since the third grade, I always assumed he knew I knew about it anyway and he knew how much I hated redundancy. HOWEVER, I would have still wanted him to talk to me about everything that was going on in my life. I wanted him to take more interest than just in my extra-curricular activities in school. I wanted him to want to talk to me. I still haven't come out to him because I am not sure if 1. He will care, 2. He will forever ignore me, and 3. He will want me to hang around my little sister who is extremely religious.

Talk to him. He needs to know that you are sincerely interested in his safety. Splitting the conversations up as previously suggested is a great idea, but at the same time if the tone of the conversation is right and you think it is a good idea, keep it one conversation.

Also, encourage extra-curricular activities. I did speech and debate, FFA, theatre, sports, and anything else I could do to take up time. It is a great way to meet people and he may make friends that could help him out as well.

Hope everything goes well for you.

 

Well, I'd be more than pissed if my dad told me he'd been searching my usernames and essentially doxing me, but that said, I don't use my usual alias when chatting with people here or on imageboards. The contact details thing is worrying, but if he did it on somewhere like 4chan, the conversation's probably deleted - that said, if you could google it, it's probably not on 4chan. I would say that you shouldn't tell him that you know he's gay or that you've searched up his aliases.

 

Another thing to add, regardless of the sexuality talk, the personal information on the internet is a topic that should be approached immediately. My twin sister and I pay for our little sister's phone and have had to shut off her internet abilities because of what she is posting online. I am worried she has the app snapchat for getting around our prying eyes. Anyway, she has put her phone number, name, address, and other personal information online (she is 14) and thought it was no big deal. We told her to remove them immediately and she refused to talk to us for about a month but it was for her safety. Quite frankly, she is one of those girls who is naive enough to think everyone is innocent and nobody would hurt her. We do not want anyone to get that opportunity though.

It is imperative to inform him of the dangers of information on the internet, and to understand the world is an evil place where everyone preys on the weak and naive.