Son came out

First of all, it sounds like you've said all the things any kid coming out to their parents needs to hear. And kudos to you for coming on here as well.

There's no set time point for being sure of one's sexual orientation, but when you know, you know, and you wouldn't come out to anyone before then. So your son is secure enough in who he is not only to identify as gay but to share it with you.

It's not easy being LGBT, and there are certainly hostilities that LGBT people are more likely to face. Whatever struggles he may go through, it will be SO much better that he has supportive parents to back him up and to turn to when things get rough. Keep talking to him and find resources to help you be better informed and prepared for the moments when he needs you. PFLAG is a great resource, and so is EC so I hope you stick around!

 

just to let you know, when people say, "maybe they're confused' really boils our blood.

He's gay. That tells you he's capable of love and the fact that he came out to you at such an early age speaks to his bravery. Imagine what that's like; "will they still love me? Will they throw me out of the house? Will they try to fix me?"

Here's a video I'd like to you watch. It's a bit long but worth it and I hope, I beg that you take something away from it.

[YOUTUBE]CnOJgDW0gPI[/YOUTUBE]

He's still your son. Love him. Cherish him. Support him and be proud he's so brave.

 

Hey there and welcome to EC!

I knew when I was in first grade. If he tells you he knows, don't argue with that.

He didn't "become" gay because he was upset, he was gay before that "relationship". Born this way, honey! Support him and make sure he's surrounded by love. It often feels pretty damn lonely being a LGBT kid, so he'll need to know he is loved.

 

There was a hiccup in the post moderation system. Should be fine now.

 

I don't recall what the approval rules are for new posters, but sometimes the system sort of hiccups. If you're still having issues, you can contact the staff directly and someone can work on resolving the issue.

Regarding your son, it's great that both you and your wife are supportive of him. Please continue to be so. As others have mentioned the local chapter of PFLAG can be very helpful in this regard, not only in relating to this aspect of him, but in providing you with support as you adjust to this new reality.

Regarding your concerns about life being harder for your son because he's gay. Life...is what you make of it. Regardless of your orientation. It can have hard moments and easy moments, happy moments and sad. I would be willing to bet that if you look back on your own life there have been moments that weren't exactly a cakewalk. But I bet there have also been lots of happy moments too (many of which had nothing to do with your orientation).

It's true there are elements in society who will try to judge your son for being gay. Raise him to be strong and independent and proud of who he is as a person and the judgements of others will be brushed aside. Love and support him and have his back and he can every bit as wonderful a life as you can hope for him. And if you have concerns about how society might treat him...I can think of worse reasons to become socially and politically active to help move society to a place where such worries no longer exist.

Your son can have a great future regardless of who he loves, including the whole spouse, kids, and a white picket fence thing, if that's what he wants. The only difference will be that instead of gaining a daughter, you will be gaining another son. Grand kids, regardless of how you come by them (adoption or surrogacy) will still love you. Etc.

Hope this helps, and welcome to EC.

Todd

 

You did the right thing and if I wasn't shivering so much and could stop making typos, I'd tell you that you should absolutely be accepting and loving. One day, he'll bring home the man of his dreams, and I can promise you that you'll be just as happy and proud as if he was straight and had a wife instead of a husband.

What you do now in the time just after he came out is going to shape how he feels about you for the rest of his life. My parents were always disapproving towards gay people, and so do you think I've ever came and told them that I'm gay? They just don't say anything and I don't either. In fact the relationship I have is so toxic that I'm getting ready to end it altogether. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to tell you that you're doing the right thing, and to keep doing the right thing, because the alternative might not be something you want to deal with.

If nothing else, I want him to know that being gay is a gift. It's a blessing and it's only for a select few, and he's one of the chosen ones. The challenges he'll face, he'll get through and in the end, he'll be a great and well-adjusted young man. It's always going to be a bumpy road and there's always going to be hurdles and hoops to jump through, but in the end, it makes a better person.

 

It IS possible that your son isnt gay BUT

1. Not all that probable.
Its a big thing for him to come out to you and he has likely thought about this for years. You know all the emotions your going through now? Denial. Feelings of loss. Fear. -He's already been through all of that.

and

2. Why not just accept his word for it for now?
Be careful not to project your own feelings of loss and denial on to him... Let him figure it all out in his own time (just to be clear, he probably has figured it out already and is gay).

 

Awesome.

I feel like I should explain myself. I'm a bit sensitive over my own home life. I was put into foster care when I was 12. Spent the next 8 years in care and even then, my folks wanted nothing to do with me especially after I came out to them. I didn't feel truly loved until I met my wife.

I guess I would just like to see more acceptance and the need to come out to anyone rendered unnecessary. I hope one day, homosexuality, bisexuality and any other -ality will be so commonplace that if your son or daughter comes home with anyone, it's not given a second thought. Kinda like how, 30 years ago, Southeast Asian kids were introduced to our neighborhood. It was a real culture shock. Today, no one bats an eye.

Please, be his friend. He might need one. Now, most of all.

Oh, it is possible that he dated a girl, she dumped him(?) and he got broken up because of a few reasons. A couple I can think of off hand are; rejection - plain and simple. It hurts when someone says they don't want you company any longer. Or it could be that she was a ruse to get others to see him as straight. Without that safety, people might start to ask questions and start rumors if he's seen courting someone. I don't need to tell you that homosexuals are the #1 bullied group in the world. I've seen more than my fair share of gay bashing. It hurts. no human being or living creature should have to put up with hate, torment, harassment, name-calling and so on.

Be well, sir. I wish you and your son nothing but the best. Give him a hug for me.

 

I agree with Robert and disagree with MaineBiGuy, Your son might not be gay but is definitely not straight. I came out very recently to my parents and my Mums reaction was very similar to yours, she was in complete shock and like you was just worried for me and naturally as a parent wanted to protect me.

I dont think saying concentrate on your school work is neccessarily the perfect thing to say, obviously he needs to but coming out to you will be one of the hardest things he's ever done, he will probably go through stages of hating being gay as a result of being mistreated or even a bad relationship with a guy.

My best advice, at his age, is to treat him with the same support as you would if he was straight. Encourage him to speak to you about relationships about guys, or maybe his mum. I personally actually feel better talking to my step Dad. Also I appreciate you may feel awkward talking about gay things but the only thing I can say to that is you're gunna have to GET OVER IT.

Use this sight please and maybe encourage him to also (he might already) but try not to know his name on here as this is good to use as a tool where your family doesnt know.

You're hearts definitely in the right place and its been about 3 weeks since i came out and ive learnt that the best thing is to not reat it as a big issue because generally nowadays its not! (especially in the Uk which is where I guess you are as you said Mum and not Mom)

Use EC this sight is fantastic! Welcome and please keep asking for help when needed!

 

Sounds like you handled it as well as can be expected. It's almost certain that it's not confusion or a phase or whatever. At his age and people almost never come out until they're sure, because it's such a risk.

To your main concern, it's true that we face difficulties, but these can really be minimized. There's nothing inherently painful about being gay. You probably hear in the media of horror stories, but there's so many who are well adjusted and have a great life. There are many gay friendly areas he can end up settling down in. If he goes to college, by the time he's done, equal rights in all 50 states is definitely possible.

For now, the people he's told can act as a buffer against the hostile comments. You may want to check now and then if that's changed. Be on the lookout for things like depression, but i think with your support, he'll be ok.

 

Getting a little carried away. Your son isn't going blind and doesn't have some potentially fatal illness. I don't think any of us appreciates either to read how miserable you think our lives will be. You may come here for advice but need to consider how we feel too.

Also with telling your friends, careful with that. Unless he gave you permission, i doubt he wants the whole town knowing. And you will be surprised how that can spread.

 

Welcome to EC. (*hug*)

It's always good to see parents come here for advice and support, and I hope you stick around. This is a great place that is open to everyone, and it can be a great resource when it comes to any challenges you may face moving forward. It is also a site full of people from all around the world, many of which are the age of your son, and reading their stories and learning about their struggles can give some insight into some things your son might be feeling and experiencing.

So, let's tackle some stuff right off the bat. Is your son confused about his sexual orientation? Not likely. While it's true that some people discover their sexual orientation later in life, a lot of gay people - myself included - knew a good while before fifteen. I'd say most people probably start to figure it out around the onset of puberty for obvious reasons.

Like others have said, it would be extremely unlikely that anyone would come out of the closet and not be certain. The repercussions and ramifications of doing that are obvious, and most fifteen year old boys want to run as far away as they can from the "gay" label.

Your son also told you that he's known for a few years, and the fact he got emotional as well pretty much tells you all you need to know. He's certain. You know him better than anyone here, but I can't really think of a good reason to doubt him.

Also keep in mind that many gay people date people of the opposite gender before coming out of the closet. A simple glance around these forums would reveal lots of people in that situation - some people who are even actively in heterosexual marriages. Be glad that your son has been able to accept himself at such a young age, and that he didn't end up in a situation where he had to also deal with a wife and kids. That makes things much more complicated and difficult.

The fact that he felt comfortable coming out to you at such a young age... you should take that as a badge of honor. You've done something good as a parent. You helped your son develop the courage to do something extremely difficult and be honest about who he is - you helped him do that. You created the loving environment where he likely knew that it would be okay to talk to you. You did that.

Not only should you be proud of your son for doing something so difficult, but you should be proud of yourself and the family you've built. It means you've done something right.

It's normal to feel confused, shocked, and even be in denial. You've received some new information about your son that you didn't know before... you've built up expectations and dreams that will have to change as a result. Your son has had years to come to terms with things, and you can't realistically be expected to instantly be where he is right now. You're playing emotional catch up.

When we talk about coming out we usually talk about it in the Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Everyone travels through these stages a little bit differently, and at different speeds. However, the destination is always the same.

Denial might sound something like, "He's still young, so maybe he's just confused."

Anger: "Why did this have to happen to my son? He's a good kid and doesn't deserve to live such a hard life!"

Bargaining: "Maybe if we do X it won't be so bad..."

Depression: "I can't save him. I don't even know why I'm trying so hard, it's all pointless."

Acceptance: "It's not like he has a terminal illness. I know my son is courageous, he had to be to come out. I think things are ultimately going to be okay."

These are generally the stages that someone moves through to reach acceptance. This is a normal and healthy process. You shouldn't beat yourself up over what your feeling or going through. Just know that in the end everything is going to be okay. You're going to be okay, your son is going to be okay, and what happened the other day when he came out was not only a good thing - but a great thing.

----

I do want to briefly address something, though. You mentioned that you're talking to your friends about him coming out. Now, this isn't a bad thing, and in fact it's completely healthy and good to reach out for emotional support. However, this needs to be done in a delicate way.

Most people when they're beginning their journey to coming out are going to want a lot of control over who knows and who doesn't. So you need to be careful about who you tell without having your sons permission. ...and who you tell should be based on how much of an impact you think it will have on your sons life and circumstances.

For example, if you were telling internet friends who don't even know your son personally, that's okay. They likely live far enough away and have no contact with him that there isn't any real chance of it having any impact on him. However, the closer you get to home and your sons life the more caution that needs to be considered. A co-worker who doesn't have any kids in school, and doesn't know your son personally? Probably okay. An older family friend who might show up occasionally? Big maybe, proceed with caution. A close family friend who might see him regularly and has kids in school around his age? A huge risk. Someone in the extended family, such as one of his uncles, cousins, or grandparents? No way, that's definitely off limits without his permission.

Basically, as you can see the closer and closer you get to home and the impact it might have on his life, the more caution you should display. Ideally, you should have a conversation with him about who he feels comfortable with knowing that he's gay. Get an idea of where he's at in the coming out process, and if you want to talk to people close to the family - get his permission. If he's okay with grandma knowing, then that's great, but if not then that should be respected until he is ready.

The easiest way to do this type of conversation is to talk to him about how much he wants his sisters to know, and what he feels comfortable with you sharing with others. Since he has siblings they're ultimately going to find out. The question is how and when.

It's easier to have this discussion with him in the context of what his siblings and extended family and close family friends should know. And when you have this conversation with him, you want to emphasize to him that you want to create an environment at home where he feels comfortable being himself and doesn't have to hide anything. The context should be about what he wants and feels comfortable with people knowing.

----

So, let's talk about the future. Where do we go from here? Do you have any specific concerns? How to deal with potential dating situations? How to deal with him coming out to his siblings / grandparents / extended family? How to deal with topics of sex and sexuality? How to deal with the school he attends, especially if he comes out and faces bullying? How you might feel if he does decide to come out more openly at school?

Lot's of things to consider and talk about.

Welcome, once again, to EC. (*hug*)

 

I was raised by an extremely homophobic parent. It was not ok for me to be gay at 13. I'm 46 and just came out in January.
Your son is very brave. That he trusts you enough to tell you he is gay at such a young age says a lot about how he was raised. Yes there may be rough times for him in the outside world but he will be ok with your support. If he can be who he is at home it will help give him the strength to deal with whatever negativity he may encounter.