Could my daughter be gay?

There is only one single thing that can really suggest a person is gay, and that is attraction to the same sex.

What you have on your hands is your typical non-girly girl. Does that mean she ISN'T gay? No idea, she might be, we just have no evidence for it. At MOST you can say that she doesn't seem particularly interested in boys, and if she IS she doesn't show it around you, and for an 11 year old that is perfectly normal.

 

Well firstly I would just like to say its so awesome that she has a mother like you and that you are so supportive and that you have taken the time to come here for advice. EC is a really great place to get advice on all sorts of things.
No one here can tell you whether or not your daughter is gay, I would say there is definitely be a chance but then she could be really girly and there could still be a chance. As for when your daughter will know, there is no definitive answer to that either, some people will tell you they have always known, I didnt work out I was gay until I was in my twenties, its can be totally variable.
The best thing you can do to help your daughter is to make sure that she knows that your love for her is unconditional, no matter what profession she chooses, or who she loves. Its best no to directly ask her about her sexuality as often if faced with a direct question people deny it because they are not ready to tell anyone or haven't yet come to terms with it themselves. It can also sometimes push people further away from coming out. I think you already knew this though. The best ways to show you are supportive are to comment on LGBT things on the news and show your support. Or say 'I dont think it matters who you love'.

I am sure lots of other people will give you some great advice but if you have more questions please dont be afraid to ask.

 

Its so brilliant to hear that. I am very fortunate that my family are also very supportive but I can still say that telling my parents was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

Try no to worry about whether she is or she isnt, if she isnt then no need to worry and if she is you will deal with it when and if it happens. Its seems to me that you are going about it in exactly the right way and doing everything you can.

Do you have any other questions in general or about my coming out?

 

Anyone could be gay. That's all.

 

Well media/game interests and hobbies doesn't really have anything to do with sexuality as much as gender identity. If anything I would say it would be more likely she might be transgendered than gay/bisexual (maybe both?), but really it's just speculation and she might simply just not enjoy what society considers girly as nobody fits 100% into the mold of "normal".

Might it be a bigger chance she is either gay, bisexual or trans than other girls her age? Yeah, perhaps, though it's impossible to tell based on this alone, as there do exist completely straight women who don't like girly things. All in all just stay supportive and open minded and do whatever you can for your child to feel happy and accepted for whoever she (or maybe he/them) is and everything should be fine.

 

I think you've received some awesome advice so far, and I think you sound like a wonderful mother. No matter your daughters sexual orientation I'm sure she's going to grow up to be an awesome person. So far everything you've written and all of your current instincts on how to handle the matter are spot on.

What you're describing though really has more to do with gender expression than sexual orientation. It's not a good or reliable indicator of someones sexual orientation. Gender expression is something that is heavily influenced by culture and society, and certain things - like girls being linked with the color pink and boys being linked with the color blue - are very recent developments culturally. There is nothing inherent in colors that makes one a girl or a boy or gay or straight.

You may look at your daughter's gender expression in its entirety, and conclude that she does express herself in more culturally masculine ways than feminine ways. These things are perfectly fine.

Where you can't possibly go wrong is by encouraging your daughter to be authentic to herself. If she likes sports, sign her up and advocate for her right to play. If she likes the color blue, let her wear blue. What's important is that she's allowed to be herself, and know that she has a mother who stands behind her decisions. If someone is coming up to her and telling her she can't do something because it's for boys, or that she's acting too much like a boy - that's when you should intervene on her behalf and make it clear to her that she should act in whatever way she wishes. Teaching her to ignore the criticisms of others, to learn to love herself for who she is, and to never apologize for being authentic and true to herself is vital. Regardless of her sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression - this is a powerful gift you can give your daughter.

This is something that will benefit your daughter even if she turns into the biggest girlie-girl on the planet and happens to be straight as an arrow. Likewise, it will be an overwhelming benefit if she happens not to be straight or fully identify as 100% female.

And like Silverhalo said, showing your support for LGBT people and letting your daughter know (discretely in such conversations) that you "never could imagine why a parent would turn against their child for being who they are; they are horrible parents, I mean, if you happened to be a lesbian I'd still love you no matter what" - well... that opens the door for her. Every time this happens it's an opportunity for a conversation, and it's also letting her know that if she is a lesbian that it's okay to tell you - that you'll accept her.

Even more importantly, it's sending a message to her about your values, and something that you believe is important. Because even if she happens to be straight as an arrow, she may grow up to have children who aren't, and you want to make sure your potential future grandchildren are treated to the same affirming values as you want your daughter to be treated with right now.

Understand, that she could very well be trying to sort everything out on her own right now. All you want to do at this point is leave the door wide open, and let her know that it's important for her to be true to herself and that you love her no matter what.

Hopefully this helps. Welcome to EC. (*hug*)

 

What you're describing is a tomboy, which has nothing to do with being a lesbian by itself, particulary at 11. I was a bit of a tomboy before puberty, and was pretty asexual. I actually became more feminine after puberty.

 

Some non girly-girls are straight. I've known some. They start out with the sports, and keep some interest in sports all along the way, and are usually assertive in academics and professional matters, but definitely still like guys.

Some girly-girls are lesbians. I have come to the realization that I may have such a relative, after years of knowing her. Recent comments by her are the cause of this recent change of thought on my part.

It doesn't matter. There is generally some higher correlation with gender atypical behavior and being attracted to the same gender, but it's not iron clad in studies. Again, it doesn't matter. She just needs to do her best and be in environments where she can do just that. And I hope you're not complaining about her liking shades such as baby blue or robin egg blue. *wink*

 

There isn't a specific set of traits that gay people posses, so you'll just have to wait for your daughter to reveal her sexual orientation.
However, it's great that you want to support her and let her know she'll be accepted no matter what, and you can do this in many ways! For one, whenever the subject of her dating comes up, you could avoid gendering potential suitors (meaning, rather than saying "future boyfriend" you could say "whoever you date in the future." A more effective strategy would be to make a point of discussing lgbtqia people in a positive light, or bring up lgbtqia related news (like bringing up how a state/country just got marriage equality, and how great that is for lgb people.), so that she knows you're accepting of lgbtqia people.
Of course, you can always just straight up tell her that you'll support her no matter what, if less direct methods don't work!

 

That alone has absolutely nothing to do with someone's sexual orientation. I love sports, football and hockey to be specific (American football, that is), and feel very out-of-place at malls. I'm a typical American guy that most would assume based on that is heterosexual-which I'm not, if you hadn't already read my orientation line. I've known many, many tomboys who were straight as a ruler, and many feminine boys who are also straight and now have girlfriends/wives.

 

When I was little all I wore were mini skorts and pink shirts. I loved Barbies and Littlest pet shop. I'm also as gay as a window. Dress and hobbies don't determine sexuality. She's probably just a tomboy or maybe transgender. Don't confront her about it. Just let her tell you on her own time, which probably won't be for another 3-5 years. Sometimes it takes a while for them to figure it out on their own, but if you bring it up you might confuse her and that will make the situation worse.

 

My oldest is 22 and was never a girly girl. She had males friends and would have burping contests with them. She played with trucks and construction equipment, she is a Chemist, now. I never questioned her sexuality at all, I knew she was straight. My youngest, on the other hand, is the girlyest girl you would ever meet, but I knew that was my gay one, and she is.

I think the best indicator of if your daughter is gay is the feelings you have. If you have that feeling she may be, then she quite probably is. Mothers seem to know these things. We sense it in our kids because we know it is a possiblity. So, all you can do is just wait and see. She may only be a tomboy but time will tell.

 

Probably the best thing I've read this week.

 

I have a female friend that watches Game of Thrones, spends days on her computer, and goes hunting regularly, and I have never seen her wear particularly girly clothes. She is as straight as I-70 through Kansas. She and her boyfriend have been together for about a year. I would say wait for your daughter to tell you something, and if she doesn't, then she's probably straight. One thing I would not do is confront her about it, though.

 

What you like doesn't always determine your sexuality I'm a lesbian and very girly my favorite color is pink I hate playing sports as a kid , still do as an adult i only like volley ball that's about it but i don't play . I wear make up , I like going to the mall , I like wearing girly clothes getting my nails and hair done . When I tell people I'm a lesbian it shocks the hell out of them .
I don't know if your daughter is a lesbian or not and i can assure you that liking the color blue or not being girly doesn't always mean that someone is a lesbian .
I hope this helps (*hug*)
I've actually been made fun of for being too girly too when i was little as a teenager i dressed my tomboyish so people would like me more but when i became an adult I started being myself again because i couldn't change who i was so i guess i'll always be a girly girl

 

Hey You're an awesome mum!

You asked when someone knows they're gay? It's such a complicated thing to work out its impossible to tell, but if it does turn out she is gay, then you being so accepting is bound to make the coming out thing a whole lot easier. I think the important thing is not to push it, or ask her about it, it's something people work out in their own time. When I was 11 I was having crushes on girls without even knowing what it was!! Even if she's straight it won't hurt to bring her up in an accepting environment, which i'm sure you're doing anyway!

Supporting someone that's gay - all i really needed to hear from people was that it was ok, it makes no difference and they still love me! So if she is gay, and one day she comes out that could be all she needs from you.

She might be gay, she might not be, but whatever she is she's very lucky to have an open minded mum as her role model

 

1. Thanks for being open about your kid's life. Not forcing them in a direction that you want but being accepting and actively supportive. We need more people like you in our community.

2. Like some have mentioned, the behaviour you are describing isn't necessarily to do with sexuality. I would suggest it has more to do with expression. Gender expression, maybe, but maybe just expression of personality. The important thing is to support her as she discovers what she likes/doesn't like in regards to EVERYTHING - as a mum, you've probably figured this is a lifetime role. As a 20 year old, I am still discovering that yes, I like black olives, but not green ones. I like the smell of a frangipani but not the look of them. And oh, thats right, this year I discovered that I like chicks too, and I have an entire repressed childhood of liking chicks and not being able to accept that because of my upbringing.
Allow her to discover, learn and be without having to repress. She'll discover and share with you eventually. Just give her time.

 

I would say that she just isnt girly and if she does figure out she is gay or bisexual, I wishher luck and its good to see a supportive mom. Mine keeps telling me to wait and decide what i am later but I have known since 13 im bisexual