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Advice on supporting my Tween Step Son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Psyche, Jan 6, 2014.

  1. Psyche

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    Hi there-

    I have a 12 year old stepson who lives with us every other weekend--the usual non-custodial parent arrangement. I've been around four about half of his life now, and while we're not super close, every now and then he leans on me for support.

    Anyway, his mother (who is usually an evil biotch) called us last week to tell us that her boyfriend accidentally walked in on SS touching himself while looking at his iphone. He excused himself and backed out, but later on went in and took his phone while SS wasn't there. Apparently they found pages of gay porn, but, as Baby Momma never wants to take on any of the tough conversations, she asked us to talk to him.

    Sexual preference isn't something we worry about in our house. In both practice and values I've always held that no one has the right to tell me who to love, or sleep with. I realize that this isn't always what gets taught in other homes, and Baby Momma claims to be supportive...although she keeps comparing finding gay porn to her post gender transgender cousin...and while I have zero firsthand knowledge of anyone who is transgender, it doesn't seem to me to be all that similar...

    Anyway--I'm not really sure how to approach it.
    -I'm not entirely sure gay porn = he's gay...what if that's all he could find? I mean, probably not, but it's possible that this is a conclusion being jumped to.
    -Assuming he is gay- can we just ask him? Or is that too personal? My mom might have died if she found out I slept with women, but I may have equally died if she asked me.
    -My biggest concern is his classmates/peers. He lives in a pretty WT town, and 12 was a very long time ago for me. I don't know what gay culture is like for young kids anymore. Jeez I'm pretty far removed from it now too. I'm a suburban housewife with a four year old for chrissakes, so I just don't have any exposure, or anyone to talk to about it. I understand the whole being a minority thing, as I'm Puerto Rican, but I didn't have to tell my parents I'm Puerto Rican...so it's just not the same.

    I'd just really appreciate some advice on how to help him understand we love him no matter what, and can talk to us about whatever he wants. Most of all, I really want a quick rundown of things I shouldn't say. You know the whole "I have gay friends" or "my best friends are gay" patronizing kind of stuff that really doesn't help.

    Thank you so much in advanced!
     
  2. Hexagon

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    Well, I think the first thing to do here is to NEVER INVADE HIS PRIVACY AGAIN. I know it wasn't you, and that wasn't directed at you, but honestly, I think it's his mother who needs the talking to. That kind of violation is probably something that he will take very hard, and for good reason. And I suspect if you were to talk to him about it, mentioning the fact that his mom invaded his private porn habits, it will be that more than his possible sexuality that makes him die inside.

    So this is what I propose:
    -Get him to password protect his phone
    -Give him time. He will come out in his own time, and in all likelihood, he is still figuring out his own identity. He doesn't need adults wading in and forcing him to talk about it.
    -Don't make any statements assuming his sexuality. Nothing. Don't talk about why he doesn't have girlfriends, talk about why he doesn't have partners.
    -Make sure to express your support for lgbt rights when reasonable to do so
    -Let him come out to you when he wants. If the opportunity arises, tell him that he can talk to you if he needs to.

    All of this sneaking around, gossiping with other parental figures, trying to figure out his secrets, invading his privacy for a perfectly harmless secret that he doesn't want you to know. It's ridiculous, and it isn't fair to him.
     
  3. bornthiswaybby

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    I'm going to give you advice using my own experience as a kid...

    I'm gay and I think I was doing what he was doing about a year later than his age...

    When I first looked at gay porn I was still "straight" to myself. I never thought anything of it, I never even thought that I was gay. So, that being said, he himself may still believe he's straight.

    I believe personally that parents, even if they find that kind of thing, should just leave it. He'll come out to you when he feels ready, you could seriously hurt him and embarrass him if you asked him.

    If my parents would have said anything I would have probably had a complete breakdown, but that's simply because I was in denial, he could easily be different and already accepted it, though at his age I'm not sure how common that would be.

    I'd say the best thing for you and everyone who knows (hopefully not many people) to do would be to just maybe avoid using homophobic terms of any sort, maybe if something regarding gay marriage comes on the news you should subtly comment that gay marriage is a good thing, anything subtle to just hint that you've got no issue with the gay community. This might make him feel comfortable enough to eventually tell you.

    It's his own private thing and he should probably just be left alone until he feels ready to come out and tell you. Just try being supportive and being there for him :slight_smile:
     
    #3 bornthiswaybby, Jan 6, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2014
  4. BookDragon

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    I had a whole thing written and then I realised I was being an idiot and I've deleted it in favour of something else. It might be a bit old fashioned, but I'm an old fashioned girl in some respects so if this doesn't work for you I'll understand if you tell me I'm an old fashioned muggins!

    Anyway. By the sounds of things, you have the potential to annoy two people. The mother and the son. The mum wants you to talk about gay porn on his phone, if you don't she'll be angry. If you talk to the son about it HE'LL be angry.

    Just remove any mention of sexuality from your conversation. Talk to him about porn on his phone. You can give him the whole 'Your mums boyfriend found things on your phone...I know you're curious but you shouldn't be using your phone to look at porn'. Don't mention anything to do with sexuality. Then at the end, because it WILL embarrass him, say "If I were you I'd stick a password on it" and leave it at that.

    He might come and talk to you, he might not.
     
  5. I absolutely agree with the above comments.

    It's the most natural reaction for parents to want to *do* something, but just accept he's starling on the process of becoming his own person.

    You're lucky to have had a heads up early on so you can all start to get your heads around the possibility (IMO probability) he'll come out as gay at some point. That's probably years away though.

    If you wanted to do something incredible, you could volunteer a bit of time at your local LGBT youth group. Just make the tea or something - then, when appropriate, take him along to a few events, as a day out or whatever. No assumptions, no labels, or questions.

    Looking back, that would have been the single most helpful thing my parents could have done to help me come to terms with my sexuality.

    Just an idea.
     
  6. burg

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    dont confront him about it if hes not ready to come out hes not ready.but you can help create a supportive environment.if its pos consider schools with lgbt support groups.
     
  7. Hexagon

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    I have to say that at least for me, this would have been highly counterproductive. In fact, it did happen, in a bit of a round about way. My parents went to church with a number of the people at the group, and they knew I was the son of said churchgoing couple, and I always felt as if my parents were spying on me by proxy.

    Basically, he is going to want to share private things at a youth group. He's going to want to talk about his parents. And invading that space will not do any good, and will just cut off an outlet for him.
     
  8. Chip

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    In general, I agree that having the conversation with him would probably be problematic on a number of levels. First, masturbating for most 12 year olds is a pretty vulnerable experience and not one they want anyone to have any awareness of. Second, if you talk to him, he'll figure out that both parents in both families knows he's spanking it to gay porn, and that will likely mortify him to the point he'll be waiting for a hole to open up in the floor and swallow him up.

    But... here's my concern: If you don't have the conversation with him, what's the likelihood that superbitchmom will either do so herself or convince her husband to do so? It sounds like if a conversation must take place, the lesser of two evils would be for it to happen on your turf, so I'd say that's something that should be considered here.

    Additionally, I hate to have to say it, but there's also a safety issue here: there are an extraordinarly number of online predators who seek out young, impressionable kids like your son and convince them to either masturbate on webcam (which can then get captured and the videos traded or posted to dodgy tube sites) or, worse, to meet up. So the risk in not saying anything is that he may make some unwise choices. He'll be angry if it is brought up, but if done with kindness and non-judgment, he will probably at least appreciate the concern for his safety and likely listen to what you have to say.

    Finally, this is probably not what you want to hear, but if he's spanking it to gay porn, in all likelihood, he is gay. A typical straight 12 year old would not be turned on by gay porn, so if he were simply curious about it, he would not be masturbating to it. And, of course, there's far more straight porn than gay porn out there, so the likelihood he "accidentally" found it, or couldn't find what he wanted is pretty slim. Now, as one poster above pointed out, it's possible he's spanking it to gay porn and is gay, but hasn't accepted that for himself yet.

    So I guess what I'd say is... consider whether or not doing nothing is a realistic option, or whether his mother will take matters into her own hands if you don't do anything. If so, then come back to us and we can give you some suggestions for how to approach him. And of course, if you do end up talking to him, pointing him here is a good choice, as it's a safe community where he'll get good guidance and encouragement to make healthy decisions.
     
  9. Aldrick

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    Hey Psyche, welcome to EC! So glad you came here before talking to him.

    I think the best way to understand his situation is to understand what it's like to realize you're gay. First of all, every last one of us is assumed to be straight from the moment we're born. We grow up with a whole set of ideals and expectations about our future and who we are as people. Then at some point along the way, usually when we start hitting puberty, we start to realize we're different. As I'm sure you can relate too, being different can be hard - especially for a teenager.

    Coming to terms with being gay is usually a process of gradual acceptance that begins with denial. It can be an emotionally difficult process where we're basically trying to come to terms with the fact that we aren't straight and that we're gay.

    All that being said, you're right to realize that just because someone is looking at gay porn doesn't mean they're gay. Certainly, let's be clear here - it's a very high likelihood. However, it's not a 100% fail proof method of determining someones sexual orientation. This is especially true for someone who is twelve years old, and may simply be exploring his sexuality. We have to be careful when labeling other people, because really they're the only ones who can label themselves. I mean, just assuming he's gay we leave out the fact that he could potentially be bisexual - just as an example.

    Now... let's talk about how to handle the situation. I have a gut feeling that Baby Mama (sorry laughed so hard that you kept calling her that) isn't going to let this thing drop. This is really something that everyone needs to get on the same page about, and we don't want her saying or doing anything stupid.

    Do you have any idea where she stands on the potential of him being gay? What exactly does she want you guys to tell him? Stop looking at porn? Tell him that it's okay to be gay? What, exactly, is she looking for from you guys?

    It's really important that everyone gets on the same page, and understands that as a teenager it's normal to start having sexual feelings. It's normal to masturbate. It's normal to be curious and to even seek out sexual content like porn. The ideal is to create a sex positive environment that gives him the space to explore his sexuality without shame or fear.

    This situation is not ideal at all to have this type of conversation. Not only was there a violation of privacy and space, but everyone has been talking about this situation behind his back. Just imagine if you had been caught masturbating, someone discovered your porn collection, and then started having a conversation about it with other people who then wanted to have a conversation with you about it.

    None of this means that you shouldn't talk about sexuality with him. You should totally be talking about sexuality with your step son, because you want to make sure he's getting the right messages and good information. You just want to avoid talking about the specifics of this situation.

    The way you bring it up is look for a teachable moment. We have hundreds of these every single day, and most of them pass us by without even noticing. We find them in movies / tv shows, songs, and conversations involving their friends are all great and obvious opportunities to bring stuff up. This is INSANELY easy to do with LGBT issues.

    Something important to do first is to decouple the link in your brain that says gay = sex. Culturally speaking when we talk about being gay people view it through the lens of gay sex, but this is an insanely skewed view. Just imagine talking to one of your female friends about her boyfriend in casual conversation, your mind instantly isn't going to go to her having sex with him. It's going to be about their relationship, and the same is true for gay people. Being gay is about romantic relationships, and yes this - like with straight romantic relationships - does often lead to sex. However, it's important not to view gay people so narrowly. This can be especially difficult in your situation as the scenario which has brought it up is intensely sexual.

    Once you've made this mental disconnect look for a teachable moment. If you really want to be sneaky you can create one on purpose, for example - by watching a particular movie together that you know will involve gay characters. Alternatively, gay issues (particularly marriage) are almost always on the news. Then there are various songs you could be listening to in the car, one of the current popular ones being "Same Love" by Macklemore.

    You want to be somewhat subtle and don't want to seem to heavy handed here. Generally speaking, someone struggling with their sexual orientation is going to tense up and grow hypersensitive around LGBT issues and topics. This is normal, and it's important not to push.

    However, it gives you the opportunity to state your views clearly in support of LGBT issues, and make comments about how it disgusts you how parents could turn their backs on children who are gay and stuff like that. Once you state your views it's pretty easy to turn to him and go, "What do you think?"

    Doing things like this allows you to have the conversation you want to have without putting them on the spot. It allows you to do it without making it awkward. It's a very natural way to bring up issues about difficult topics like sexual orientation.

    Hopefully this helps. We would be able to provide more feedback if we had a better idea of what Baby Mama wants from you exactly and is expecting. Is she expecting him to just come out and admit that he's gay... at twelve years old? If so, she's likely going to be hugely disappointed, and more than likely is going to send him running and screaming deep into the closet. Is she wanting you to have an angry conversation with him about masturbation? Looking at porn? What exactly is she expecting?
     
  10. Psyche

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    Thank you thank you for all of this. I'm so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to respond- and let me apologize for writing a second thread about this because I hadn't seen that this one was published.

    I'm having a little bit of an issue regarding the privacy issues, however. But first let me say that we've always been pretty open about sex in our house. My husband and I are proponents of open communication. We both had parents who were pretty crappy about our own intros into sexuality. I'm in a married, monogamous, hetero relationship, but before that I'd never limited my relationships by gender. I've had both hetero and homosexual relationships, and sex partners, and have had conversations with both SS and my Bio-daughter when gay marriage has come up in the house. It's always been along the lines of "no one has the right to tell anyone who to love", and "I think if one person doesn't have the right to get married, than no one should, or everyone should." Last year Baby Momma wanted us to have a conversation about masturbation with SS, and my husband encouraged it. He reinforced that this is private and should be done in privacy, but that he should get to know his body and what feels good to him. He actually said, "next time your alone, try it. it's good for you, and feels good, and it's free."

    I'm not sure I can avoid the conversation altogether, although I think the advice on letting him come out to us is sound. The privacy stuff is what is slippery for me I think.

    He's only 12. If his only education about sex, regardless of the gender, is from pornography, he isn't getting a good picture of what sex is actually like. There's also the stuff about sexual predators (again regardless of gay vs. straight).

    And I'm not sure I believe he has the right to that level of privacy. Call me old fashioned, but if he lived here full time I would have had a conversation already about what rights he had to privacy. I feel like I should have access to whatever my kid is up to for their own safety. So, I don't actually see a problem with Baby Momma (BM from now on) looking at his phone, although I feel like she should have established this with him as a possibility beforehand. I'm just happy he isn't paying for it, and was able to find it for free. But I do believe that until he pays for his own device, his parents have a right to monitor it. Moreover I think that they have a right to impose parental controls on it too.

    So- this leaves me wondering if our conversation should just be about sex: reinforcing safety issues, i.e. safe sex, looking at porn vs. talking to people online making pornographic videos to send to people, and letting him know that he can talk to us about anything?

    Of those of you who think I shouldn't talk to him about it at all, did any of you have environments where sexuality (not necessarily sex partners, but sex itself) was as openly discussed as it is in my house (or similar)? After the initial mortification of having to talk about sexual preference with your parents, would you have felt more comfortable knowing that your parents weren't going to judge you?

    I guess I'm just uncomfortable with the idea of letting him deal with it on his own, because as parents our jobs are to help our kids develop in a healthy way. Hetero kids don't have to hide their feelings. Even in my conservative household I would tell my mom when I had a crush on a boy, and I recall my brothers talking about their crushes. I don't want to deprive him of that. I didn't start having experiences with women until I was in college, but I never felt like I could approach my mother with those. Besides, she already thought sex outside marriage was a bad thing. If we don't tell him it's okay, how will he know?

    Thank you again for helping us through this. He'll be here this Friday, and it's really helpful to have all of your insights. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, or prevent his own sexual growth.

    Would it be a bad thing to say, if you are questioning your sexual preferences there is this community called EC where you can talk to other people about it, and direct him here?

    ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2014 at 08:36 AM ----------

    Here are some answer to some of the questions you guys have asked:

    1. BM practices avoidance and gets us to do all the hard stuff. I don't think she's planning to have any conversations about it one way or another. She wanted us to know, and we did tell her that we didn't want to jump to any conclusions regarding his sexuality. He's only 12. He probably isn't sure.

    2. I just want to be clear that I'm not rooting for him to be one sexual preference or another. I'm not sure BM is either. Although with her, who knows. She likes to look like she's open and understanding on most things, and then turns around and says/does something completely contradictory. My husband and I are just not sure she'll say/do something awful in passing, and we want to preempt those kinds of things from her, and at least provide an environment where if his mom's house is shitty (her boyfriend actually concerns me more than he does...total WT kind of dude) he knows that our house isn't one filled with any kind of judgement.

    Wouldn't trying to find LGBT groups for him be a passive way of saying "I think you're gay?" If he isn't sure himself, wouldn't that send a message that he is different or not normal, and here is a group of people "like you"?

    I'm really worried about his peers. He's a big boy. Taller and broader than most kids, but he's so sweet and completely non-violent that I'm concerned he wouldn't fight back if he was confronted. One thing my husband and I are talking about is getting him into a self-defense class. I can't see that being a bad thing regardless. Even just for confidence building.

    Finally, how does a parent deal with porn? I didn't care so much about it, but I'm a girl, and maybe that has nothing to do with it, but pornography has always lacked the intimacy I've always sought in sexual relationships. It seems unrealistic to try and prevent him from finding it. I know BM wants us to tell him that he's not allowed to use his phone/their internet to look at porn...but then where will he find it? What is a healthy way to let a kid explore sex/sexuality without giving them access to the world of internet pornography? When I was young there was no internet, so it was more about finding someone else's Playboys. This is something I really have zero experience with, so guidance on this one would really, really be helpful. My husband, at this point, is planning to tell him something along the lines of, "when I was a kid I had to steal my Dad's magazines..." but then where do we direct him? Is there some healthy sex site that doesn't have unrealistic sexual images?


    I'm so happy that this space exists, and I hope you don't think I'm the world's worst stepmother. I just know that this is a different world than the one I grew up in. I think there's more understanding, but at the same time, I feel like there's more pressure to label people.

    Like someone else said, I hate the idea of asking if he's gay, because what if he's bi? Labels are limiting, and I want him to have the ability to explore his sexuality in a safe and healthy way.
     
  11. Aldrick

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    This is awesome. It's very good to have a sex positive environment. Our culture just hammers us with so much sex shaming (whether it relates to our bodies, our performance, our expectations, etc.) that it's really helpful and important to try to balance at least some of that out.

    Plus, studies continue to show constantly that kids that grow up in sex positive environments where they receive a good and robust sex education make better decisions when it comes to sex, and usually wait later to have sex as well. (This is contrary to what the sex shaming crowd likes to say, which is that if kids are properly educated that somehow they'll turn into sex hungry fiends humping everything in site.)

    Creating a positive and open environment where kids can get factual information (as opposed to learning from their peers - who are as clueless as them, or trying to figure things out on their own) is going to help your step son immensely. It can sometimes be difficult to have conversations surrounding sexuality, but it can be the difference between him making a good decision vs a bad decision. It could be the difference between being responsible vs being irresponsible.

    So, I just wanted to take a moment and commend you on this environment you've created.

    You're right to be concerned about him getting his knowledge about sexuality from porn. It's important to have several conversations with him.

    The first conversation you want to have is about fantasy vs reality, and this discussion should include not only porn but Hollywood sexuality as well. It's important for him to have a realistic understanding and just as an importantly - expectation - of what sex is like.

    The second conversation is about sexual predators online, and how he can't trust everyone out there. Here you want to create some ground rules when it comes to communicating with strangers and the type of information he shares. It's a situation where it's okay to make online friends, but it's not okay to go off to meet them alone. It's not okay to feel pressured to do things you don't think you should be doing. It is okay to come and talk to you guys about it if he's uncertain about someone or a certain situation, and have the knowledge that he won't get in trouble.

    The third conversation is about taking nude photos and camming with other people. It's very natural for people to want to share their sexuality with other people, but obvious risks aside (like them recording it and uploading it) - there are other concerns. The fact that he is underage is a huge problem, because the laws in many states haven't kept up with the technology. There have literally been kids arrested and put in jail for sending nude photos of themselves to their boyfriends / girlfriends under the charges of distributing child pornography. Receiving it can get you hit with possession of child pornography. It's very important that he understands all of this.

    It's important that he be allowed to come out on his own terms. He's twelve years old. We don't know his sexual orientation, but it's likely that he isn't 100% straight. He could still be trying to figure everything out, and it's important to give him that space.

    You want to intervene when it seems to start to become a problem for him. For example, if you suspect he's being bullied at school, he's showing signs of depression, etc. If you start to see some warning signs, then it might be necessary to force the conversation. It's not ideal, but it's better than the alternative.

    What you want to do is create a supportive and safe environment at home. Look for teachable moments, which then give him the opportunity to naturally bring it up and come out. It may be awhile before he's ready, but the more supportive and open the home environment, the greater the chances he'll come out sooner rather than later.

    But as I'm sure you know from your own experiences, it's kinda important to come out to yourself before you can come out to others. And that involves trying to sort through your own feelings, thoughts, and stuff in your head. Aside from creating a supportive environment, there isn't much else that can be done.

    Yes, these are generally conversations you'd want to have with him anyway. Sexual orientation doesn't really play a huge factor in these types of conversations.

    You're exactly right in that the most ideal situation is that he feels comfortable coming out sooner rather than later. The reason for that being is because it allows you to have an open and honest supportive environment at home, and he can have "normal" teenage experiences that is deprived from most gay kids.

    But again, until he's accepted it himself the only thing you can really do is create a supportive home environment and give him opportunities to come out.

    One thing you COULD do, assuming you feel comfortable with it, is to talk about how you've had romantic relationships with females in the past. By sharing that you're creating a situation where he doesn't feel like he's alone, and that he might have someone who can identify with what he's going through and feeling. If he knows this is part of your past he might feel comfortable asking questions of you that he might not feel comfortable bringing up with someone else; there is less shame involved if you think someone might empathize with your situation.

    That can be hard to do without tipping him off that you suspect him. However, if during the course of a conversation you can get him to open up about potentially questioning whether or not he has same sex attraction then it would be a good idea. This site is set up to protect underage kids seeking advice and support.

    If you wanted to you could get clever about it. There are a lot of good websites out there for teens dealing with sexuality. Places where they can get good factual information that is sex positive. You could do some Google searching and look over some of the sites for screening purposes. Get a good mix of sites and maybe some safe teen support environments. You could create a list of those sites that you think might be helpful, and you could include EC on that list.

    If you're having conversations in the context of 'it's important to explore your sexuality' and 'it's important to keep an open mind about who you are', etc. etc. and you have some LGBT sites listed like EC it won't raise any red flags. This way you avoid putting him on the spot.

    The self defense class isn't a bad idea, assuming he's interested in it. When it comes to bullying he could face that whether he's gay or not. However, it's important that you do what you can to minimize shame around it, and try and get him to come to you if he's facing that at school. Keeping an open dialog with his teachers and stuff will also be helpful, because it lets them know you're watching, and it also gives you any heads up on what's going on at school that he might not be willing to talk about.

    The porn issue is super difficult. It's literally everywhere and so easy to access. It isn't like when we were growing up, pre-internet days (I didn't get access to the Internet until I was nearly eighteen). I'm not sure there is an effective way to actually ban it without him just finding ways to be creative. For me, it was a friends Dad's porn magazines, and at home I secretly removed all the mens underwear ads from the old JCPenny Catalogs. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Based on all the research I've seen most kids have seen some type of pornography (images specifically designed as sexual erotica) by age ten. In a lot of cases, kids that young aren't actively out there searching the internet for it, they just happen to stumble upon it... because it's out there. Unfortunately, this is the world we live in now.

    I think that one of the ways that you can approach this is to have a frank and honest conversation. I would talk about the potential problem of being overly exposed to hyper-sexual media like porn, in the sense that it could undermine his ability to actively enjoy the real thing. Porn is a hyper-sexual fantasy designed to get you into (and keep you in) a heighten state of sexual arousal. The concern with viewing it too much before he has sexual experience is that he could potentially be disappointed by the real thing, because it's not living up to the fantasy he's used to having on the screen.

    I would encourage him to limit his use of porn, and to instead try to use his imagination. Maybe he needs some images to get him started in that fantasy, but can avoid explicit movies. ...but things like this are really hard to navigate.

    I mean, what really can you do short of taking his phone away? Really, I think the best we can do here is to have an honest discussion, talk about appropriate places to view it (example: not at school), maybe talk about the things that we don't feel comfortable with them doing / going, and all that jazz. Short of this, I don't really have any good answers.

    You are far from the world's worst stepmother. By virtue of coming here to even ask it puts you in the top 1%. Seeking out information and advice before jumping to conclusions or simply reacting in a situation like this is super important. Not only does it give you a number of different perspectives that you might not have considered, it also helps you figure out what might be the best action you'd take in accordance with what you think is best.

    I think you could potentially have a conversation where you encourage him to 'keep an open mind' and explore his sexuality. Avoiding the topic of 'Your mother's BF saw gay porn on your phone' is good, because it avoids putting him in an awkward position of where he needs to explain himself. But encourage him to keep an open mind, to explore his sexuality, to avoid labels (and making sure to make it clear that 'straight' is a label), and to generally find his own way - all of that is a perfectly legitimate discussion to have... it's one you could be having regardless of the information that you possess. It also gives you the opportunity to encourage him to be open about his interests, and to talk to you guys if he has any questions or concerns.

    That's really what's important. You want an environment that is positive and open, where he knows he can come to you no matter what, and that he isn't going to be judged or be in trouble.

    Finally, when it comes to Baby Mamma and her BF... this might have to be played by ear. We don't want a situation where he's getting negative feedback at home. This is a conversation your husband should have with her about what he feels is acceptable, and ultimately the goal is to get everyone on the same page.

    The real thing I am concerned about is some subtle hints and pressures he might receive, where she isn't overt but more covert in pushing an agenda. For example, asking him what girls he finds attractive, whether or not he has a girlfriend, asking him why not... etc. All of these things could create some type of pressure if he's trying to sort out whether or not he's gay. And when you're in the closet struggling with your sexuality you're hypersensitive to stuff like that, and he could very easily pick up on the fact that she might suspect something. This in turn creates unhealthy pressures, and could even lead him to thinking that she already disapproves of him.

    Basically, as I've said again and again: the ideal situation is an open and very positive home environment when it comes to sexuality and same sex attraction. Then creating a space for him to sort things out on his own, which will then ideally lead to him coming out as soon as he has things figured out.
     
  12. AwesomGaytheist

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    Reading your story, I'm kind of torn in two directions, the direction that the adult me would go if he was my son, and what the former kid in me would want you to do. My mom was an ultra-conservative Christian who thought that sex of any kind: solo, between a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, within the realm of marriage or not, was absolutely disgusting and wrong, and I should never ever do it ever. Yet she also wants me to give her grandchildren someday. But that's a whole different topic.

    The point about my mom was that when she figured out that I was masturbating (I started when I was 11), she instantly shamed me, and part of me wants to say that parents should never even have that talk, and eventually the kids will figure out that literally everybody does it or has done it, and that there's nothing wrong with it, and the other part of me says that maybe it's time to sit down and have the whole sex talk. If you go that route, teach the birds and the bees, and make sure to include that some people are gay/bisexual and that's something that's completely biologically normal, and that it's not a choice and there's nothing wrong with it. That was another thing my parents never did. I never got a lick of sex education from my parents. I learned everything from medical textbooks my mom had left over from her med school days (She's a chiropractor, which has some of the same medical pre-reqs that an MD would have to take), and in 9th grade health class.

    If you show acceptance towards LGBT folks (which if I remember correctly from your original post, you have), he'll be more likely to be comfortable enough tell you on his own, at which point, you should be so proud of him. Just show him your love and acceptance without telling him that you saw his little secret. If and when you do have "The Talk," given the fact that you did see him watching porn, I would 100% absolutely include pornography as part of the material. Don't accuse him or anything, but tell him the facts about it, that it's not the fun fantasy world that most people think it is, and that it's actually very addictive. The brain reacts to seeing porn the same way it does when one uses a drug. (More info on this: Home | Fight The New Drug) That said, it's my own belief that pornography is like alcohol: if it's used responsibly, it's perfectly fine to indulge every now and then. If it's abused, you can go down the road of addiction. Here's a series of articles from the New York Times on talking to your kids about pornography: (http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2012/05/10/garden/porn-intro.html)

    And above all, please teach him internet safety. That new 7th grade "friend" he met online might actually be a 55-year-old man. We've all heard those stories.

    As for him masturbating, make sure to knock whenever you enter the room, and don't make a big deal of it if he asks you not to come in. Or better yet, just let him lock the door.

    Above all, you're doing the right thing by not just making rash decisions or getting all angry at him because of a combination of the facts that A. he might be gay, and B. he's figured out how to pleasure himself. Keep a cool head, and don't be judgmental or confrontational, and you'll be fine.
     
  13. Ruprect

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    There has been some outstanding advice presented here. Since I'm on my phone I won't give you a wall of text, I'll just share one of my experiences. When i was in my teens my father found gay pron in my VCR (I know, it was a long time ago). When he confronted me with the question of whether or not I was having sex with men, I simply replied, "no dad, I'm single." He paused, took a deep breath and told me to be careful. Not a word has been spoken for about two decades in regards to it all. He doesn't approve but will not cite me for being me.

    Best of luck, it certainly sounds like you are a great parent and with careful consideration I'm sure the subject can be broached in a kind and accepting manner.
     
  14. bitheway7

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    Does she not like anything relating to nonstandard orientation or gender identity? What are her thoughts regarding those matters?

    I'm no parenting expert, but maybe have a discussion (the shitty marriage killing Utah governor might be a good way to bring it up) with him about how some people have nonstandard sexual orientations and/or gender identities, and that it's important to love and accept people for who they are. If he is actually bi or gay, hopefully he would read into that appropriately. That way he doesn't feel like he has to tell you what's up (if anything) before he's ready. Possibly convey to him that you understand that the teen/young adult years are full of self discovery, figuring out who you really are sometimes takes a long time, and it's OK if it takes a while to sort through all the feelings floating around in your head. You will love him no matter who he ends up being.

    Teach him how to be safe and protect himself on the internet. Maybe tell him it's OK to delete *any* porn out of his browser history.

    BINGO. I would be hesitant to encourage him to password protect his phone too, since he is still a very young kid and could find himself in over his head.

    Time to have a sex ed lesson or two. Or send him to http://www.scarleteen.com/ It's a sex ed site for young people. It's certainly been useful to me lately. (I'm 27 but barely left the sex repressed/ignorant Mormon Church...)

    Assure her that you will handle the matter entirely and that she doesn't need to worry about it anymore or say anything at all. Only you know if she will respect the request though.

    If my parents did that (hahaha they're hardcore Mormon who am I kidding!!), I would certainly interpret it that way.

    Not sure what to suggest regarding his dealings with his peers.
     
    #14 bitheway7, Jan 9, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2014
  15. Psyche

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    Thank you all so much! You've given me so much great advice. After sharing it with my hubs I think we're on the same page on how we'll deal with the conversation. If it weren't for you all, I'm pretty sure we would have botched the whole thing. But now I'm pretty confident that we can build him up without terrifying him... Too much :slight_smile:
     
  16. BookDragon

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    I hope it goes well!
     
  17. beckyg

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    Hi there! Thanks for being so supportive of your step-son. I am a mother to a 29 year old gay son and President of Oregon PFLAG.

    I don't know what makes a mother think it's okay to go into your child's room without knocking. Yikes!

    I would not ask your step-son if he is gay. Instead make your home a welcoming environment for him to choose to come out in his own time. Tell him you love him and will love him no matter what. Make sure that you talk positively about gay folks in your home. Gay rights are on the news everyday now so that gives you a window of opportunity to talk about these things with your son. These things will help your child come out in his own time.



     
  18. suninthesky

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    Let us know how it goes, and good luck. Your son is lucky to have such accepting parents!
     
  19. Aldrick

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    We're happy to help. (*hug*) Please keep us updated on how things go. It's always helpful to know how things turned out, as there will undoubtedly be situations in the future where parents have similar issues.
     
  20. katwat

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    Since you have talked to him about sex already I don't know how you would introduce it without a conversation, but there is a wonderful book for pre- and adolescent kids called It's Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Harris. If you do talk to him about it might be part of your conversation to give him the book.

    I know it really helped my daughter get over being embarrassed by talking about body changes and sexual issues.She was pretty young when I got it but showing signs of puberty. We had already had conversations but the first time we read the book (I read it with her so we could talk about anything she didn't understand or was scared or upset about) she was all blushy and embarrassed but then she read it over and over on her own.

    It does talk about intercourse, erections, masturbation, sexual orientation, pregnancy, birth control, disease, safe sex, etc. It has cartoony pictures of naked bodies (which caused my mother-in-law's church to issue an "evil book WARNING" email about it.) It also has a good section on what to do if someone tries to touch you or makes you feel unsafe sexually and also how to talk to people about it if something bad happens.

    Don't know if it would help but it is a nice book for kids to have and won't hurt. Good luck.