When to tell the children about their dad?

I think this needs to be a conversation their dad needs to have with them if that makes sense. It would be better coming from him or maybe you and him need to get together and tell them together. I do not know though when you should tell them, but maybe when the dad gets into a serious relationship it definitely needs to be addressed then.

 

Unless their dad has asked you to talk to them, it's not really your place to do so. I know that may be difficult to hear, but it's his sexuality and so it should be his choice when to come out to anyone. If there is a reason you feel that they need to know, maybe you should talk to him about it and explain why you feel they should know. You could offer to talk to them if you think that would be easier, but it should be up to him to decide if he wants to do it himself or if you should.

I know it might be hard to hear that this isn't something you should do because they are your kids, but I speak from personal experience as someone who dealt with another person coming out for them "for the right reasons." My brother came out to my parents for me because he thought they needed to know and he felt like it would help me. Although I understand this now, it put a huge strain on all of the relationships in our family for quite a while because I was angry and upset with him for taking away my chance to come out when I was ready and how I wanted to do it. I wouldn't want to see any unnecessary strain in another family if there is another way this could be worked out.

 

i cant really advice much on this but i dont get it, he is gay and had 2 children?
well, i agree he should talk that with them, in other hand if you guys were separated already, i dont see the point on telling them, i mean they are kids ages 9 & 7, they are too young to get their minds complicated with things like that

 

You do know that many guys have had children and they come out later in life right?

 

yeah i guess, i just find total incoherence, i mean if they were confused is once thing or bisexual, but 100% gay with no attraction to woman whatsoever, why would a guy in that preference get close to a woman formally and even have kids? makes no sense

 

Yes, it does make sense if they were trying to hide it from family. The thing is some guys find it easier to pretend to be attracted to women so that they can protect themselves from being hurt.

 

well that you said does make sense, but isnt it tad selfish? what about the woman they hurt after forming a family? and the children he brought to life in the process of his cover?

 

Well, who am I to judge them? I know what it is like to protect myself from being hurt that I have done things that may not have been right, but it was right for me. Yes, it is not fair to the woman, but it happens and men have to deal with that.

 

im not judging either just throwing a good debate, but yeah i mean is good to protect yourself if you really need to, so i dont find it akward that a man gets in a relationship or gets marry with a woman even if is gay and that is the case, i just find it really stupid to ''come out'' after having children with that woman, much easier for everyone if he just did it at least before getting to that stage

 

Well, I do not think it is stupid. I think it is courageous of him no matter the circumstance. He did it, and he stood up for who he was. Yes, it may not have been the best timing of sorts, but it was his timing, and that is all that matters.

 

yeah i guess you are right, still my opinion to the woman that asked on the post is that the kids shouldnt even know about his father's preference, they are children in age to enjoy childhood not to make waves on their heads at least i think that

 

I think it should be up to the father, and if he decides to be in a relationship with a guy say a year from now...I think he should tell them. It is better for them to know from him anyway.

 

agree on that, but sarcasticly that he appears to present a boyfriend to their kids is a quick explanation with no words needed already lol

 

Not always true...some kids need to be explained what is going on.

 

i guess at least more if is their father, yet they only need to understand the word boyfriend lol, hey kids this is my new boyfriend, i think around 7 or 9 of age in our modern days, they will get it right away, not the why is dad with that man? but surely theyll understand the general picture

 

Don't make it your issue or burden,
In the end he must man up and tell them himself,
And possibly explain it to them,
Otherwise I'd lave the issue till they're older,
As frankly,
They're kids,
Anything pertaining to sexuality or sex should be left till they're older

 

Rubytuesday welcome to EC!

This isn't really a question we can answer directly, because a great deal of the situation involves your ex-husband. If he's comfortable talking about it with them, then it should certainly be done. It's not really a good idea to wait until he's in a serious relationship to spring it on them. It could take some time for them to process, and then just throwing a relationship into the mix only makes things more complicated.

It's important to separate out being gay from having sex. We often think of being gay narrowly in terms of sexual acts, which devalues gay people to very narrow terms. Being gay is about love and relationships, just like being straight, and sometimes that love and those relationships lead to sex. If you were talking about your straight friend and the potential for her to get a new boyfriend or husband with your children, you wouldn't really be talking about her having sex with the man she's with - even though they undoubtedly would be having sex. It would seem silly and devalue every other aspect of their relationship that is not sexual.

The same is true for gay people. A lot of people are squeamish about talking about being gay with children, and worry about them being "age appropriate" - but that's only because they view being gay through the narrow lens of sex. We don't similarly hide straight relationships from children for fear that they'll somehow be exposed to sexuality at a young age.

So, that's the proper tact to take with them. It's to talk about their Dad potentially falling in love with another man, and simply listening to how they feel about it. Then simply answer their questions in an age appropriate manner. They may need some time to adjust to the idea, just like an adult would, and that's the reason it should be done before introducing a relationship into the mix. Introducing a relationship into the mix - even if he were straight - is already going to be complicated, because it's sort of the obvious confirmation that the marriage of their parents really is over and they're moving on with their lives. That can be scary for a child, and it's something that should (in my opinion at least) be tackled separately, the same as it would if he were to find a new girlfriend.