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Parent of a Bi teen looking for advice

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by katwat, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. katwat

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    Hi all.

    I am having panic "I'm not doing this right" feelings lately. My 12 yr old (soon to be 13) came out to my husband and I this past summer. We are perfectly fine with this as we love her no matter what.

    The problem is where we live. We are in an extremely conservative, deeply judgmental, middle-of-nowhere, country setting. There are no GLAAD or PFLAG or any other support locations closer than three hours from out location. I have been searching the internet for any sort of local support groups and I keep getting links to TOPIX (OMG the people around here are horrible!) The hate on that site towards anyone even slightly different from the local redneck norm is just mind boggling. The more I see how much hatred there is locally for LGBTQ people the more terrified I get for my daughter.

    At this moment my daughter is perfectly content with having come out (and been accepted and supported by) myself, my husband, and my mother. She has made a statement about being bi on her Facebook page which the few people she is friends with on there ignored. She has told her best friend and he is fine with it. Other than that she has not told anyone. She says she does not care one way or another what anyone else thinks or feels about it but her father and I are a bit more concerned. We are proud of her and do not want her to feel pressured to hide who she is. We are, however, afraid of violent or just vile reactions from the people who live around us and some family members. There is no "we must pretend so we have their approval" kind of issue. We just want to keep her safe physically and emotionally.

    I keep feeling like I should be doing more to prepare her or protect her or ...something. She is young enough now that dating is not an issue. She has a few very close friends but is rather anti-social beyond that so peer-pressure, bullying, etc is not a problem. She is homeschooled so school is not an issue. The issue is my feelings of not being on top this. I don't want to screw up any part of parenting my kiddo and I usually can find some "thing" to make me feel more like I have a resource to help her as she needs help or answer questions she might have. On this I feel like I am floating in limbo.

    What do other people do when living in a hostile environment? How can I find support for my child as she ages into more difficult issues?

    Advice please.
     
  2. Nick07

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    Hi and welcome :slight_smile:

    I think that as a parent you never will be "on top". You will always be one step ahead and thinking what could happen if...

    What about contacting the PFLAG group even though they are far away? You could send them email, you don't need to go there. Perhaps they could give you some advice.

    But I think you are doing a great job as it is :wink:
     
  3. justsid

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    katwat, the hardest and most dangerous thing for her was coming out to you her parents. Receiving your unconditional love and acceptance will make a world of difference. Everything past that will be a cake walk in comparison.

    Truth is there is going to be people who wont accept her. She will just have to find the ones that will. We can deal with taking on the world if we have to. However, it's so much harder to do that if we are afraid that our parent aren't there for us. You seem to be there for your daughter. She is blessed. Thank you for being so loving and understanding. You Rock!
     
  4. Byron

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    I, this is me not you, would tell my daughter to be careful about what she talks about when out in public. I would ask if she feels safe when out in public, and if she said no then I would ask her if there is anything that I could to to help her feel safe, such as pay for self-defense classes. I personally would also be careful in going out and trying to find of there are any areas of support in the local community. I would try to find them, but in a way that wouldn't reveal anything about my daughter.

    That is what I would do in your situation anyway, you do what you feel is best.
     
  5. Clay

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    I would absolutely not do what Byron said. That just sounds like telling your daughter to further repress her feelings, out of fear of how other people would react. Nothing good will come of telling someone to hide who they are, especially if you act like it's some terrible secret.

    Basically, just make it clear to your daughter that you'll always be there for her. Tell her that she can talk to you about anything, you will always be ready to listen, especially if anyone is ever mean to her.

    If she knows she has your full support then it will honestly make the world of difference.
     
  6. Aldrick

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    Hi Katwat! Welcome to EC.

    I just wanted to start off by saying that you sound like a wonderful mother, and your daughter may not even realize how truly lucky she is to have you. Based on what you've written you seem to be doing a fantastic job.

    However, it's natural to have these types of fears and concerns. In some cases it's completely justified. That being said, the fact that she is home schooled is taking care of 75% or more of your problems right there. You don't have to worry about bigoted teachers, bigoted school administrators, and abusive students. You have a huge degree of control of the types of groups your daughter interacts with, and this gives you a great ability to protect and shield her from harmful or dangerous individuals.

    She also seems to have a positive attitude as you wrote: "She says she does not care one way or another what anyone else thinks or feels about it..." This statement here is so important, and I think you should nurture it. This may feel counter to what you feel inclined to do because you're afraid and worried, but you don't want to accidentally send the wrong message. There is a difference between realizing a situation is dangerous and making a rational decision to change your actions for your own safety v.s. freaking out because you live in a bigoted environment and hiding who you are out of fear.

    We want to teach your daughter to realize dangerous situations when she sees them, and to take actions that are going to ensure her safety. We don't want her feeling like she has to hide who she is because she's afraid of the reactions of other people. This involves having conversations with her about safety, and talking about the types of dangerous and bad people who are out there. Painting them in a very negative light - particularly as bad people (whereas she is a good person) - is helpful because it avoids a situation where she might feel that she has to somehow earn their approval.

    One thing I'd really hammer into her, and ideally all of your children; is that you shouldn't let your sense of value and intrinsic worthiness be determined by other people. You should not allow your opinion of yourself to be influenced by the actions, emotions, or thoughts of other people. You don't need to prove your worth, because you're already worthy.

    Growing up and internalizing this type of mindset is empowering, because it's going to help them become resilient in the face of the negative and judgmental world around them all. It will help them form stronger and healthier relationships with other people, both in terms of friendships and romantic partnerships. It will make them more resilient against peer pressure as well, which is a big thing as a teenager. It will give them greater confidence and security in the decisions that they make, and in the end it's a life skill that's going to serve them well their entire lives.

    So, let's focus on the reality of your situation. Getting physical support where you are currently located is going to be an uphill battle. Having the internet is going to make your life so much easier, because it's going to allow both you and your daughter to reach out and communicate with other people that you simply wouldn't have access to otherwise. (Like us!)

    That being said, if you want something that isn't there you have the potential to create it. It's not an easy situation and you're going to want to take precautions, but I can guarantee you that you're not the only family in your area with a LGBT teen. Your daughter is not the only person in the area who is LGBT.

    I would contact PFLAG about the potential of starting your own chapter. You may have to take some precautions to protect your family and your daughter, but if you can find just one other family like your own it could be a great boon to you. Simply knowing that you're not alone, and having the ability to build a mutual support system would be insanely helpful. And the fact of the matter is, unless someone takes action to create a PFLAG or other LGBT support group - then it's never going to get created.

    Creating a support network for your local LGBT Community could have a positive impact on numerous lives, provide a lifeline to numerous families, and would be the ultimate gesture of love and support for your daughter. It would also be a mark of genuine courage.

    It's also important to remember that, although you may live in a rural area, that there are resources out there for you and your family. Things like the ACLU and Lambda Legal can provide you with legal support and defense should your family ever need it if you face discrimination or anything of the sort. There are lots of other support networks out there that you can lean on for advice, assistance, and aid should you ever need it.

    There isn't much more you can do than what I outlined, and like I said 75% of your problem is taken care of because she is home schooled. The biggest issue you're going to face for a LGBT Teen is going to be what takes place at school. So long as they're in your home and you have influence over them, then you can largely mitigate everything else. Aside from that, it's just a matter of having honest conversations with your daughter.

    After all of that, it's just a matter of remembering: it gets better when we make it better. Sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zone and strive to create a better world, and that may mean taking some very calculated but reasonable risks. If you're willing to do that then it's possible to build your own support network.
     
    #6 Aldrick, Jan 9, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2014
  7. Byron

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    I am sorry that my post came off that way, as I said, that is what I would do. I agree with Pluvia, you definitely do not want to scare your daughter into repressing her feelings. I would also like to say that I agree with what Aldrick said, I would follow his advice.

    I hope that everything goes well for you and your daughter katwat.
     
  8. BookDragon

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    Probably the best thing you can do is to prepare yourselves, rather than your daughter. She is already going to be fully aware of the problems associated with coming out. There isn't a lot you can do to change anything, eventually, we all get someone giving us grief. What you need to do is make sure she knows you are there for her if it happens, without question. Prepare yourself for comments from family, and make sure she knows that if it comes down to a choice between family members and your daughter, you will pick her every time in this matter, and that any for of negative treatment towards your daughter from your family and friends will not be tolerated by you.

    You can't protect her from the world, but you can be there to help her back on her feet when the world gets at her.
     
  9. katwat

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    Thank you, everyone, so much. It feels good just to have vented my fears and concerns in my original post. Actually having people to get feedback from is beyond wonderful.

    My daughter is my entire world. Loving her unconditionally is never in question. I am so happy that she felt secure enough to share this with us.

    I think one of my big problems is I keep forgetting how much braver and stronger she is than me. She is one of the most confident people I have ever met. She is currently dressing full on, hard core Goth in the middle of nowhere. When she gets dirty looks she just smiles sweetly at the person glaring at her and pays them a nice compliment on what they are wearing. It is amazing how people go from snarly face, to confusion, to reluctantly pleased. I wonder how many later feel ashamed of having started as judgmental?

    Thank you again for helping to calm me down and giving me some ideas of what to do next. I will try contacting PFLAG tomorrow.
     
  10. Aldrick

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    Just remember, you're responsible for her being that way. You're the one who raised her. She's that way because you showed her how. All you really have to do is keep on doing what you've been doing.
     
  11. Foster

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    Can I just say that you are a lovely mother, and your daughter is so lucky to have the support of you and your husband. Not all kids have that. I think that all you can do is teach her to be herself no matter what anyone else thinks. And be there as a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. Being gay/lesbian/bisexual can be difficult at times, but having a strong support system makes it 1000x easier. You can't shield her from the cruelty in this world, but you can provide her the strength to face it without fear. Be her safe hiding place, and the one she can always rely on, and she will be fine :slight_smile: Good luck.
     
  12. Gingerblond93

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    I would move away from there as fast as I could.
     
  13. katwat

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    I would love to move for a lot of reasons but cannot afford to live anywhere else. We do have some lovely people around here (still super conservatives but very nice) to go along with the psychos. Our little road has three really nice families surrounding our property. Unfortunately just on the other side of them..... the WORLD happens. I keep hoping for change and wanting more and more to participate in working for change. Because of my daughter I am scared to do too much openly so am very torn in "how will it get better if we don't work to fix it" vs "have you SEEN THESE NUTS WITH GUNS???" Since the change would benefit my daughter it makes me want even more to work for it but since it would put her in the view of crazies... well you get my point.
     
  14. ComingClean

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    Hi Katwat,
    When your daughter turns 13 she can join Empty Closets and, when she does, she can hide her date of birth.
    Until then there's always Queer Attitude which was specifically developed by gay youth for gay youth. They accept registrations from anyone aged between 12 and 25.