Hello, My relationship to family as a gay Father is very tricky. My daughter has a very ominous connection to me as I had been out of her life for quite some time. In a way I feel she is trying to hurt me. Now I know how my own Mother felt when she approved of my coming out, but that she suffers from the fear that I may try to hurt her. My daughter believes in her own independence, and resents all feelings of attachment I try to implement. My own Mother grew up in Foster care, and while I know I can't make up for the years that I was separated from my children. I feel more like a surrogate parent. My own children while they do take priority, retaliate by committing acts that just feel mean spirited. My whole family knows that I am gay, but the pain stems from not being able to rely on each other, and effects how will we function for not being able to take responsibility for our deeds. Now my daughter and I feel that we may have gotten too close without any real compromise other than we do everything wrong. I wished there was someway just to begin over, with a positive attitude that reinforces the way we see things. Now we are left with only the pain, which may be similar to the pain I caused my Mother, with no real choice but to hope for better times as we begin to separate from each other again :icon_sad:
Sorry to hear you are having problems with your family. You said "I wished there was someway just to begin over.." Maybe that is just what you need to do. Contact your daughter, either talk to her or if it is easier for you to keep all your thoughts straight then write it down. Tell her that you love her and want to work things out. Let her know that you do not want to lose your chance to have a relationship with her and are willing to work at it. Ask her what you can do to make it easier on her. You said she "..believes in her own independence, and resents all feelings of attachment I try to implement.." She might feel pressured to move to quickly, or insecure. You don't say how old she is but if she is a teenager or young adult then that is typically an age where kids are breaking away from their parents. You might want to try approaching a relationship with her more like a friendship with an adult you recently met. Get to know her in her independence. Attachments will grow if you give them time. Most of all, if this is important to you and to her, then do not give up. Be honest and open and caring. Give her room if she needs it but let her know you are ready and waiting for her when she is ready to try. Let her know you are willing to put in the work because she is worth it to you. Good luck.
Thank You Katwat, The only element that is still missing in our mutual getting to know one another is that family is based on love and respect. Her feelings are important to me, and by the way she's in her twenties. The only element missing is that I feel a real family has to be based on just that love and respect, and up until now we have just been feeling what the other is like without there being a solid emotional trust. After a number of years together we are still asking if a real family is what we want with each other, it seems as though the problem is how to penetrate the pain.
It hurts a lot to be rejected. You may feel a little bit rejected by her, but as someone who is in her twenties and adores her father, she may have felt rejected by you all those years you guys were separated. If you don't mind my asking, was the separation something you agreed to or did her mother did it to hurt you? Because if that was something imposed by her mother, you should try to explain things from your perspective. If you let her know how much you missed her and not being there for her, she might let her more softer feelings for you come out. Now, she is in her twenties, so am I, she is no longer a teenager, so hurting you and doing it on purpose is very childish. But she is as hurt as you are if not more. Like some else commented, try to start things over. She might be more willing that you think. Best of luck mate.
