Desperate for advice with my fiancé who's confused

Male sexual abuse survivors have a particularly difficult time with relationships, intimacy, and acknowledging non-straight sexual orientation. The abuse has an extremely complex and devastating impact on the psyche, self-worth, and sexual identity of the abuse survivor.

There are a disproportionately high number of male abuse survivors who are gay compared to the population as a whole, and, in general, gay male abuse survivors often have a much harder time coming to terms with their sexual orientation than their non-abused counterparts, in large part because of the confusion and emotional pain brought about by the abuse.

If I were to guess, my guess would be, based on the multiple occurrences of finding gay porn and the identification with bisexuality in his teens, that most likely he is gay, and he's clinging to the idea he's straight because the relationship provides some level of normalcy (or at least, the illusion of normalcy) for him. If he were bi, he'd own up to it... but the fact that he's making excuses instead of owning up, to me, points to either that he's lying to you, or lying to himself, or both.

I will tell you, having worked with a number of male abuse survivors, there are an awful lot who are absolutely gay by all indicators (don't enjoy sex with women, have sex with men, watch gay porn, are attracted to guys and not to girls, don't like straight porn), but absolutely, fiercely deny they're gay... likely because they're afraid that if they admit being gay, they're also admitting that the abuse "made them gay", even though there's no support in the credible scientific research for that idea.

Bigger even than the issue of whether or not he's gay is the issue of his being inauthentic with you. The damage to your children from the inauthenticity in the relationship will cause more harm than the damage from having one gay and one straight parent, because the kids can see right through it.

If I were to make a wild guess, I'd guess there are other emotional and phyical intimacy issues with the relationship as well, because that's the case in a very large percentage of relationships involving male abuse survivors who haven't worked through
their issues. And those, too, impact your relationship with him, which, in turn, affects your children in a much deeper way than you might imagine at first glance.

So I think it might make sense to have a calm, non-judgmental sit-down discussion with him and basically say that the lack of authenticity isn't working for you. From there, you can either choose to leave (which, honestly, might be the healthiest thing for both of you, since it does seem likely that he's probably gay) or, if you decide to work on the relationship, then I'd strongly suggest that he needs to commit to getting into intensive therapy with a therapist specializing in male sexual abuse.

Treating sexual abuse, particularly in males, is a specialty, and not a lot of therapists have the training and skill to work with male abuse survivors. He absolutely needs to specifically be with a therapist who has the training and experience, or it will not likely do him much good.

This is one of those situations that just sucks. It's not his fault that he is the way he is; there's an incredible amount of shame associated with the abuse, and a lot of issues with low self esteem and a feeling of being "damaged goods" that goes along with being an abuse survivor. All of that can be worked through and resolved in therapy, but it takes a long time, and the longer he waits, the harder it is and the more time it takes.

You can PM me if you would like more resources for him on the abuse issue; it's an area I know a fair amount about and would be happy to help. If he's willing to admit he's got issues with questioning his sexual orentation, then referring him here would also be a good start for him. And, of course, I encourage you to stick around as there are a lot of parents, spouses, and other allies here and I think you'll find a lot of support here, regardless of what you decide to do.

 

OK, this is a sort of complex issue to explain, but basically, it sounds like he's walled off the emotional pain, and his "we're getting married and that's that" is basically a denial not just of his sexual orientation, but of his feelings. He's unwilling to face it because it's simply too painful... except that not facing it is only going to make it worse in the long run.

Here's one place you can start to get a better understanding of what's going on for him. While Dr. Brown doesn't speak about abuse directly, this 20 minute TED talk speaks about invulnerability and how it affects pretty much everything in our lives. I think you'll see the connection to your fiancé.

[youtube]_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube]

If that one resonates with you, she has two other TED talks that are different and well worth watching as well.

Also, if he's gone from looking at gay porn to looking for twinks on the hookup app you referred to (we don't allow the mention of specific names here), that's an altogether different situation, and one that is extremely unhealthy on multiple levels. Regardless of what he says, I'd suggest that you're in a position to make the decision for yourself as to what's best, and if he's looking for hookups with twinks -- which is the only possible reason one downloads that app and searches using that term -- then a marriage is not going to be authentic or healthy, and it's very unlikely to be successful in any case. That isn't something that's likely to change because he says he'll stop; the desires and impulses are likely to be too powerful.

As for the issue of his self-harm potential: I once had a girlfriend, years ago, who, after we'd been together for a while and I began to figure out just how messed up she was, told me that if I ever broke up with her, she'd kill herself. I'd suggested at one point she get therapy, since she was obviously in emotional pain, and she freaked out and said obviously I didn't like her if I wanted her to change, and that her pain was part of her. So... her threat was a pretty effective deterrent for my breaking up with her, even though the relationship was horribly unhealthy.

Finally, I spoke to my therapist about it. He painted a graphic picture: "Suppose you break up with Kim. She goes to Home Depot, buys some cinder blocks and chain, goes to the bridge, chains the cinder blocks to herself, and throws herself over the bridge and drowns. It would be tragic, but it would not be your fault. You brought things to her attention, hinted that there were problems, tried to get her into therapy, and she refused. At that point, the problem became hers and not yours."

From what you've said, your situation is similar. And if you think about it, it's really codependent on your part if the main reason you'd stay with him is so he won't kill himself. It's a very hard concept to own, but we aren't responsible for the actions of others, even when they try to give us that responsibility.

If he gets into therapy, that's a good start. I'd add that, unless you are completely comfortable with the idea of getting married, that it might be sensible to make it clear, right now, that marriage is off the table unless and until these issues are straightened out. You could say that you're not saying you won't get married, only that it isn't even a subject for discussion until he's been in therapy for at least 6 months of weekly or twice-a-week appointments. He won't like it, as it sounds like he's desperately trying to avoid dealing with this... but ultimately, it will be much, much better for both of you if you set that boundary. It's a hell of a lot easier to break up with someone if you aren't married to them, and there's a lot more incentive to solve the issues if the marriage depends on it than if he's already married to you.

I know that all of this is really intense for you, but I hope it helps.

 

I agree that you're likely making the right decision here. Keep in mind... his bullshit may well extend to himself, meaning he may believe it as well. Denial can be really powerful.

So perhaps by ending this relationship, it can help him come to terms with himself, get the help he needs, and find someone he can truly love and appreciate... and, of course, you as well. Many couples in this situation find that, once the sting of ending the relationship is past, they can still be best friends, and hopefully this will be the case for you.

Please feel free to stick around and keep us in the loop about what's going on, and feel free to talk about anything else that's concerning

 

The problem here (which might be obvious) is that he doesn't seem to recognize that he doesn't get to determine whether or not the relationship continues to work. It's easy for him to say that you aren't going anywhere and so forth, but clearly that isn't true.

What I might suggest, if you are confident that the relationship isn't going to work for you, is to simply tell him that staying together isn't an option, and what the next step looks like will depend on how he wants to proceed; that if he continues to simply refuse to talk about it, you'll have no other option than to move out and seek help from the legal system to resolve the situation, but that you would prefer to work it out amicably.

I don't know if you're familiar with the stages of loss, which are basically a series of steps everyone goes through in processing any loss (in this case, loss of the relationship). They are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, and clearly he's in denial that the relationship is ending. If you force the issue, then he'll start moving through the stages. But be prepared for the anger stage; he may lash out, threaten, act out, or whatever else. Just recognize that it's part of his process in understanding and accepting the situation.

I do think you're making the right decision. It may seem really difficult right now but in the long term, I think you will be happier, and I think, once he's able to come to terms, your husband will be also.