My husband is transgender

First off welcome to EC.

You are going through a lot right now and I am so sorry about that. I do not understand you are going through, but I am sorry none the less. You need support too, even if it means coming on here, and just talking. Can you talk with any of your friends from your home country online? It is good that you still love your husband, but a support system for you is also important, because this is a lot to handle especially by yourself. EC is here as a community if you ever want to talk about what is on your mind and heart.

 

I am going to respond to this more fully in the morning, but I just wanted to say this one thing:

Please, please, PLEASE, write what you need to say exactly as you feel it needs to be said. If it sounds disrespectful, then for now, that is something we will have to deal with, but if you need to get those feelings out, then do it. Do it here, when you feel you are able to.

Please don't think we will hate you for it. Many of us know someone who, upon hearing that we are trans, told us it was the worst thing that had ever happened to them. In my case, it was my mother, hearing that I am trans was to her, at the time, worse than being raped as a child. It was an awful, disgusting thing to say but she was scared. She felt, like you do, that her whole world was falling in on her. That the things she was once so sure of, were no longer true. I don't hate her for it, and I won't hate you for it. I hope that is a sentiment shared by the rest of EC.

At least you are here trying to be good about it, even if you don't know what that will involve.

 

There is absolutely no reason to hate you, that is a very difficult situation to be put in and I don't believe that you have done anything wrong within it.

Supporting someone does not mean that you are bound to devote yourself to them for life. Many people will shout from the tree tops that otherwise, but the reality is that people do change. We all do, at various stages in our lives. She was always transgender. She was always a woman; however, the person you feel in love with was not quite the person she truly was. The person you agreed to marry was the person she was allowing herself to be. We can choose to believe in the fantasy of everlasting soul mates. The ideal that no matter what we will always be perfect for one another in the end, but the reality is far less convenient more often than not.

Don't get me wrong, she did not change simply because she was transgender. Transitioning doesn't inherently alter who one is internally. She changed because she kept such a large part of who she was from the person who believe that they loved all of her for so long. You are not a terrible person if this relationship doesn't work. You have a right to find contentment and satisfaction with the person you love inside and out. It is certainly understandable that she would have been hesitant to admit the truth to you; however, it is equally as understandable for you to ultimately have to admit that things are not working out for you.

Half of the world is raised by separated or divorced parents. Children want to see happiness, not dysfunction. It doesn't matter if her birth parents are together or not; she will just want to know that they are genuinely happy in their lives.

 

Welcome to EC and I am sorry you are feeling depressed. (*hug*)

I would just like to say that your wife (please don't call her your husband) both kept this a secret and eventually told you because she loves you and does not want to lose you. Also during that time she was probably still coming to terms with it herself.

Just a question: are you just using the wrong pronouns here or around her too?

Sorry if this comes off like I'm mad at you... I really am trying to help.

 

First of all, I'm sorry how it turned out for you.

I can understand how you feel that your husband came out to you all of the sudden, it's quite a shock. Did you have no inkling he was transgender at the time?

The hardest thing with transgender issues is that you are used to a person one way (Him) then you find out that you are married to a her. We need you to understand that she wants to be female and should be identified that way, you do owe her that.

However, what you should not receive is abuse or this ostracizing. Understand she is hurt, but that you shouldnt be the one taking the abuse, however are you being honest that you didn't say things hurtful to her? Normally TG people who come out are looking for acceptance and maybe she is hurt.

I don't get the whole story from one person but you two need to talk about it. Try using the preferred gender pronoun of "She" when you talk. Bet that will be a good start like others said.

Wish you two the best.

 

I'm not sure its really a lie, but losing the person you fell in love with is very true. I can understand that.

And you are right to have her understand the person you fell in love with was a male. That isnt to say you can't love him now as a her, so don't exclude that possibility, but it is something that SHE should be conscious of as well.

I think you are finding your way through it right now. Keep us posted.

 

I want you to understand that these are normal feelings to have when someone you love comes out to you as trans. And from what you've said, I think you're handling your wife's confession well. Be gentle with her, and try to support her, but don't let her hurt you. Take care of yourself, first and foremost, because you need to - for you, for your child, and for your wife too.

I'm 23 too, and I'm just finishing coming to terms with my own identity, and trying to plan for the next step - transitioning from a female to a male. I know what it feels like to be shaken up at your very core like that, to look in the mirror and see someone that doesn't feel like you looking back at you. It really is very very hard, and I'm sure this was eating away at her for a long time now. I'm not surprised by her anger, because I have been, and often still am, very angry, and easily hurt. But she has no reason to lash out at you. It takes time to adjust to new names and pronouns, to accept new mannerisms, and to adjust in general to someone in your life being trans - it even takes time to adjust when you're the trans person. Give her distance if she wants some distance, but maybe try to rekindle the connections you have. You didn't get married for no reason.

I wish you all the luck. I can only imagine how hard it is adjusting to a loved one's transition. We're all here for you. (*hug*)

 

No one here hates you Naunet. I was on the other side of the coin. I did manage to come out before we ended up married, but it was still just as devastating to her.

One thing you have to understand, is that we are taught from a very early age to lie about who we are. It doesn't make it okay, but I imagine if I was in your shoes I would have a better time if I didn't feel so in the dark about everything. Every time we do anything feminine at all growing up, there's consequences. The consequences are worse for some people than others but they are always there. We're also taught that being gay is a bad thing, and even though I'm gay after transition and not before, I got lumped right in with gay men when other kids sized me up and decided who got to go home from school with bruises and whatever papers the wind didn't pick up when their backpacks were turned upside-down.

So instead, we act like men. Which is a huge lie. But we do it anyway because we are told it is the right thing to do.

Again, that is an explanation, not an excuse. The person you married took a long time getting past a lot of conditioning. Unfortunately, she took so long that you ended up married and with a child before hand. She did lie, and it hurt her family. But she lied to herself as well as you, that she could handle this, that she could make you happy, that she could go after all the things she was told to go after and do all the things that were supposed to make everyone happy. That marrying you was what she was supposed to do.

What I can say is that being out of the closet makes honesty addicting. Once you can live without fear and love who you are, you don't want to lie any more. My ex understood before we broke up that although I'm strictly no boys allowed, women only right now - and now that I've started transition proper and it's sticking, I will probably always be lesbian - that my orientation might drift. This is a known side effect of HRT for some people and I might end up bi or straight. That was not an easy conversation at all. But it would have been impossible if I had done it before accepting myself, and whether or not it does happen, she will be happy with me if I end up with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

She does have her online friends. You have yours here if you want us, or there are other communities. One thing I have found that helps, is that my ex (who is still my best friend, and we would do anything for each other) and I don't travel in each other's circles. She has her support, I have mine. Since she sounds hurt and like she might not understand, I wouldn't let her know you are posting here; she may feel like she has to come here to defend herself.

If she is reading this, I would really like to ask that you do the mature thing and give your wife some space, maybe post in another thread if you need some help from us. We understand that you see things differently, and that some of what your wife has to say may sound unfair. We don't hate you either (*hug*). We want both of you to be happy.

The other thing, is that you don't deserve her being mean to you. And while you did not come out and say it, if I were you I would regret some of the things I was saying too, because I would be hurt and scared. When you can't talk to each other with love, some times being apart is the best thing you can do. No matter how much it feels like you have to solve everything right now, or how unfair she is being, if you take some time apart it is like magic the way it changes everything. My ex and I would always end up apologizing to each other about an hour after the fight; eventually we figured out how to just back away so we could skip to talking to each other with clear heads. It took years.

Now the self-medding thing. This time I was on your side of the coin, not hers.

It is a little bit of a minefield with regard to her dosage. I will preface by saying I am not a doctor. But even if it was not high enough to cause any change in her hormone levels because she got an endo doctor that didn't prescribe with the goal of feminizing her (it is uncommon but does happen), you and I both know she did not talk to her doctor directly about that or try to get a second opinion from another doctor. If she is having serious medical problems, her doc can help with those too while helping her with her goal still. Although it may or may not be right for her, I am pursuing one option myself that would make it so I don't have to take anti-androgens at all that involves an inexpensive surgery my health insurance covers. Out of estrogens and AAs, AAs have the worse side effects if your dosage is off.

I do not like spilling my ex's dirty laundry, she really is a smart wonderful person. But to be honest the thing that kept me from self-medding was trying to keep her from doing it with her prescription drugs. It was frustrating and scary. Just like with you, she was a very different person when she abused her medicine. And it hurt. My whole life revolved around when she would take 2 pills instead of 1. And this started well before I came out. She would deny that there was ever a problem, that one of her friends said she was funnier when she was high and slept over. But her friends were never humiliated in grocery stores, and they escaped the nights when she was angry.

It is hard to help someone that does that. The only rule I can come up with from my experience, is that the more you focus on you and your life, the easier things get. If your life is together, your part of the household chores (and I was doing hers on top of that) are done, you are going to work like you are supposed to, then eventually you will be in a position where you are being an adult, and she is not, and that makes it easier to talk about fixing the situation because she is putting you in a position of power.

I guess the other thing, is that positive reinforcement and love and empathy go a long way. When she did finally start taking prescribed doses and eventually got off the medicine she was on, I was SO proud of her. It was a very difficult thing to do, but I always knew she had it in her. She is back on her medicine, but it's just what the doctor ordered, and when it does not work, she talks to her doctor about it now. She also (it's a sleeping medicine) goes to bed right away instead of intentionally staying awake now.

In general, you and she will be nicer to each other if you are focusing on yourselves and your kid instead of each other. When was the last time you called your friends and hung out with them? If you don't have as many friends as you used to, it's time to get out there and have some fun! Even just posting on FB and asking around if anyone wants to see a movie or something.

And I don't want to start a fight between you too, but you might want to think about how you will approach talking about sex. You are straight. If she is straight, she has not admitted as much, but since she is trans, being with a straight woman is very problematic even if she does not see it yet. It may be possible that you would both be happier if you were seeing other people for sex, and make each other off limits. My ex and I definitely are. This is a delicate subject and ideally she will bring it up when the time is right.

I know that both of you and your kid can get through this and all be happy. Right now, you don't deserve anything that happened. Dont' focus on guilt, or blame. You and her feeling guilty just makes things worse. Just focus on what you can do to make things right and better.

And welcome to EC

 

I dont know much about being transgender. I have a few friends that are...but thats about it.
My problem is with the way she is treating her, her wife. She needs help dealing with THAT
you all are all telling her about how to handle the TG and stuff, but I'm concerned about the mental abuse that I'm reading about here.
She said when he wife was treating her nice, she could deal with it, but it doesnt seem like she is being nice anymore. Its seem slike she is resenting this woman that she married without telling the truth.

I'm worried about this.
It seems like its not a good situation to be in and I say that as woman with two sisters who were in violent marriages. This is emotional abuse.

 

This is just a big shock factor to you, and this is a usual reaction.

However, you must see it in her point of view (Point of tip: When someone identifies as the opposite gender, you refer to them as their preferred pronouns). She may have been confused about her gender for such a long time and came to terms with it after you two have gotten married.

I think it would do you both the best to see a marriage counselor and attend PFLAG or other trans-supportive groups with her to better understand the concept and everything about it. It's important to let her know how you feel NOW, no holding back. Let her say the same back, then start building up and working things out.

It's going to be hard, probably even harder now that you have a baby on the way. But if you love her for her, stay with her. That baby will have two mothers and that is perfectly fine. Although, it'd be best to tell the child the truth once they're older so they could better grasp the concept.

These are all advice and not telling you to do one thing or the other. But I really recommend getting everything out to her now, and let her do the same so you two can sit and talk and attend counseling/trans-supportive groups together. You two are married, you are one family unit. You must work together to keep the cogwheels moving. If one cogwheel gets jammed, it will halt the entire unit.

Good luck. Let us know what you've decided to do and how things turned out.

 

Well I can only say that I feel sorry for your loss, not because of him becoming her, but that you are being ostracized while trying to understand.

 

To be fair, there are two sides to every coin. Sorry, too drunk right now to really chime in with something substantial. But Naunet's posts aren't coming across to me with much of a ring of real empathy for what her SO is going through. I see a lot of "oh, woe is me", though.

Going off the pass out now.

 

First, I'd like to say something, please don't come onto a support forum drunk. That has stupid written all over it, and I really think you owe someone an apology when you sober up.

That said your point was taken. We are only getting one side of the story. But it's also true that Naunet's husband is being incredibly unfair to her. This is not a situation most people are equipped to deal with period.

I know I was a little long winded, but one of the things I was trying to say was that my ex and I having a little bit of distance and independence helped more than anything else.

Naunet you are not in a position to help with her transition, and you owe it to both of you to worry about yourself for now. When the dust settles you can figure out what your relationship is going to be like.

As far as what you mentioned about sex... one of the reasons I came out to my ex, was because my being gay did not help things as much as you would think. Sex ended up being painful for her (which is why we just plain did not do it most of the time, we'd try every now and then to see if it was better) after a few minutes. It did not start out that way, we were so happy when we first met. She has since been able to make love to other people so I am pretty sure I know what the problem is. With me she always felt a little rejected, a little ugly and bad about herself... a whole lot of things she really, really wasn't, all because I couldn't do certain things with her. She was great, I could do other things with her no problem, it was my own body that was the problem.

I know you're more worried about the relationship than about sex not working. But... you might be a little angry with me for saying this, but if she did run off with someone else, would that be the worst thing for you and your kid? It really does not sound like she is investing a lot into the family at all right now from what you have told us.

And as far as you, imagine it's two years from now. Your wife is an attractive woman, really imagine. She's earning maybe not as much as she did when everyone thought she was a man, a lot of her strength has gone away and her skin has become soft. I am not saying you should leave, but be honest, what does an ideal relationship with her look like? It is true you are raising a child together and hopefully she sticks around and continues being responsible.

But what I am saying is, she is not the only person that deserves happiness, and you are not a nun.

So your wife is focusing on herself right now. She needs to do that, to overcome a problem she has been dealing with her whole life. And I know you want to be there for her. But it's my opinion that the whole point to a family with kids, is raising the child right. If you can take care of yourself, and give your kid a good start, then you've done everything right, even if you and your wife can't always get along. And you did not sign up for this. You thought you were marrying a man.

I am really sorry that she is more distant now than she used to be Hopefully though, as your relationship changes, and you see her as more of a good friend or even sister than as a lover, you can become closer to her than you ever have been before. I can honestly say that about my ex and myself. In the mean time, she needs you to let the old her go, and you need to let her go for you anyway.

And as hard as it is, you need to ask yourself how you honestly feel about the new her that's going to come out of the cocoon.

 

Hey don't worry about being objective. If your wife wants help she can make her own thread. We're here to help you.

I mean I know from personal experience it helps if I do try to have some empathy, took me a while to learn that. I just wanted to make it clear that this is a safe place for you to get your feelings out.

That said, I only know what I see from here, but I think she does love you both. She just has not figured out how to be both herself and with you. It's really hard navigating all of this. It's going to be difficult but one way or the other I know you can figure everything out.