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How can I best help my friend/be a good ally?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by jhamm365, Jan 30, 2014.

  1. jhamm365

    jhamm365 Guest

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    Hi everyone, I'm new here, and just for some quick background, I do not consider myself LGBTQ; however, I have a friend that I am currently worried about. Basically, there is no question in my mind that said friend is gay. Beyond some of the more stereotypical elements, I catch him checking out other guys and he seems waffle between silence and dismissal whenever LGBTQ issues are discussed. Normally, I would not consider any of this my business, but he is a VERY close friend (like a brother) and has been going through some mental health issues over the past year or so.

    While he has a girlfriend, I (and everybody else, including some of my friends who are out and girls who have hooked up with him) think it's a beard. They've had sex, but she usually initiates (aggressively), and he often seems to actively avoid her on the weekends when drunk. Additionally, other girls have said he's aggressive about the pursuit, but something is always missing if it even gets as far as kissing. He often seems unhappy or distant in social scenarios, and I worry that he is torturing himself to lead a "straight life" because he went to parochial school and has a fairly conservative background.

    Now this is where I come in. He knows I'm conservative. He knows I'm fairly Christian, and he knows I play football. For whatever reason, pundits (and Glee lol) have re-appropriated these things so that they are synonymous with homophobia; however, I think he also knows that I am always actively trying to be a good ally. On the political front, I think that LGBTQA rights should be central to (real) conservative values (non of this Tea Party B.S.) because it's just common sense that equality and transparency for all leads to a happier, healthier, and more cohesive population. On the Christian front, I've always been taught that when one actually looks into Matthew 19 and the history of the employed diction, Jesus flat out makes a born-this-way argument and acknowledges the reality of the Kinsey scale and gender fluidity. I don't take the Bible as the 100% word of God, but it's not a bad read if anyone from the Christian right ever gives you trouble :icon_wink.

    It's because of all this (and I'm pretty *darn* vocal) that I think he trusts me. I say he trusts me because I occasionally get texts about something he saw that made him think of some queer theory/GL theory we studied in anthro three years ago. He's just got a different personality around me; he switches from frat boy to a cross between United States of Tara's Marshall Gregson and SNL's Stefan when we're together, and he confides a lot in me that other friends don't even have a clue about. I just think that he's a little too intimidated by my background and/or caught in his straight act to be truly open with me.

    Don't get me wrong: I would NEVER force him out of the closet, nor would I pry. It's his business and I know there is always a slight chance he is straight or bi (definitely leaning toward guys if this is the case), but I am being this open and honest and probably ignorant/offensive about my thoughts with you because I want to kill off some of my het-cis-male privilege and figure out how to be the best ally I can, and how I can react appropriately if he ever does come out. My knee-jerk reaction would be something along the lines of, "Thank you for telling me." Maybe even something expressing how honored I was to be that confidant… idk. In short, I was just wondering how to continue to create a comfortable environment for him to be true to himself and be the best ally possible without it seeming contrived or changing our relationship too much.

    Thanks!
     
  2. resu

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    You are a great friend, and remind me of a friend I knew in elementary school and later reconnected with in college, another football jock who was unapologetic in his support for LGBT people.

    I think what you should do is just help him understand and recognize his own unhappiness. Ask him where does he see himself in the future, 5, 10, even more years from now. Ask him why does he not seem so interested in his girlfriend. Does he have a lot of stress/pressure to be straight?

    Since he already texts you about queer subjects, maybe you should be a little more obvious and send some of your own, even if it's just about current events. You can demonstrate you are an ally without questioning anyone's sexuality.
     
  3. confused1234

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    You're doing all the right things already, and you are a very good friend.

    Advice: take this with a grain of salt, because I think a lot of people would disagree with me. If your friend is visibly struggling with something, and you guys are as close as you say, I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world to gently bring up the subject. Tell him that you've noticed something is bothering him. Let him know that you are always there to talk and that he can tell you anything. That is exactly what I wanted when I was struggling to come to terms with my sexuality: for someone to notice that I was having a hard time. I wouldn't directly bring up his sexuality, but maybe allude to it.

    As for how to react if he does come out: ask questions. This may seem counter-intuitive, but once a person reaches the point of being ready to come out, he wants to talk about it. Being in the closet is incredibly emotionally draining. You literally have no one to talk to. So once you do decide to tell someone, you want that person to be interested and ask questions and lend an ear to vent to.

    Hope this helps, and good luck.
     
    #3 confused1234, Jan 30, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2014
  4. Clay

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    This is very good advice. Let him know that he can always talk to you about anything, and ask questions when he comes out.

    You're already doing everything right by the sounds of it, your friend will most definitely have picked up on your LGBT support. When you're in the closet you tend to remember everything someone said about being gay, so you know where they stand on the matter, so by showing your support for it so openly it's possible you may be the first person he confides in. By bringing up the fact you've noticed he seems troubled sometimes, and if he ever wants to talk to you about anything he can because he's like a brother to you, you're telling him that you can be trusted.

    And when he comes out tell him it doesn't change anything between you, you're still his friend and you're glad he came out to you etc, but like the poster above said don't be afraid to ask questions. Ask him anything you're curious about really.
     
  5. Aldrick

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    First, let me say you sound like an awesome friend, and you're doing pretty much everything right.

    Second, as someone else pointed out you can just bring up that he seems sad / distant / lonely / upset / something is wrong. Bringing that up gives him an opening to talk to you. He may or may not take that opening, but you don't have to ask once and forget about it. Just the occasional, "Hey man, what's wrong? You look sad." Or whatever you'd normally say - something to break the ice... he may eventually take the bait to open up with you.

    The difficulty you face here is that you don't know where his head is - assuming he isn't 100% straight. Coming out is a process that starts with the individual, and one of the first stages is denial. He could be at a point where he wouldn't feel comfortable admitting he were gay completely alone with no one else around. It's not uncommon to even be able to say the word out loud - which may be one reason your friend struggles around LGBT topics.

    One thing that might help would be to try and include some LGBT friends in your circle and introduce them to him. If he meets and gets to know other LGBT people, and he sees how "normal" they are (something a lot of guys struggle with is their own misconceptions of what being gay actually means) - then he might be able to find ways to relate. It might also provide him the opportunity to come out to them, because he might believe they're more apt to understand what he's going through / feeling. There is a sense of security in speaking to someone who is also gay, because you know they aren't going to judge you, and they're likely to understand what you're going through.

    Aside from that, all you can really do is be open about your support for LGBT people, provide him with opportunities to open up... and that's about it.