Question: Why are family and friends so afraid or unwilling to support?

I don't know if anyone can answer that in a way that applies to every situation. Here's a few thoughts hower, see if anything rings true to you.
Some people have a life philosophy of "survival of the fittest", where every thing is a battle, and their "success" in every transaction or situation is whether they got more out of it than others. If you strongly believe in this, chances are you want your kids to succeed as well because getting into that parking spot before the other car is about survival. Do you see how absurd this can get? So discussing emotions unless it's rage and anger is not conducive to this success. Raising kids who are strong, never show anything that can be remotely called by anyone as a weakness is their mission in life.

Then there's another kind of people who value diversity cooperation support tolerance etc...

The whole fear of sexually-related discussion is sometimes rooted in some religions, where unless it's within marriage and with the intent to make babies it's considered sinful. More recently with more and more people accepting that homosexuality is not a choice but a biological/genetic thing, family members sometimes panic thinking that because they share genes it could happen to them as well. I just realize you said you're not biologically related to this fine group of people, but it's one explanation for other situations.

Keep posting here, sometimes even just typing stuff and re-arranging it so it makes senses as a post helps us understand it better. Plus you're probably going to get some good advice from members here.

 

Hi Max

I am so sorry your family are unsupportive.

I know how much it hurts when family is the cause of your pain. My father was a verbally abusive jerk. My sister often fluctuates between snarky, mean, judgmental, snarky, and (just to screw with my head) super nice. My paternal grandmother was extremely negative towards me. It hurts and it makes everything else in life harder to deal with.

I admit I know very little about Southern California geography so going to ask a stupid question. Is there a town nearby (easy to get to) where you would feel less vulnerable (no friends or family) and might be able to find a support group or organization where you could meet people who would be more accepting.

I have one other question that I am going to ask not for me to give you an answer but for you to just think on. If your family are such unsupportive shits what exactly would it hurt for them to be unsupportive shits of you living your life in a way that makes you happy instead of being unsupportive shits of you while living unhappily? I know you have friends at your church and are afraid of losing them but again if they are not your friends when you are happy how are they a loss? Try to look at not just the dangers or possible losses but of things that you might gain.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the love and support that you deserve.

 

I don't really think there's an answer to you question. I guess it's just that unconditional love doesn't exist.

 

Personally I think the love is still there; it's just, for the most part, the display of love that varies from family to family. I've honestly seen some families that believe shunning their loved ones because of their sexual orientation is a sign that they love them; that being away from one another is for the best, that the ridiculing is for the best (and of course these same people have the nonsensical mindset of 'ohhh you can change from this, we know you can, you just need this extra push'). Other families may simply just be confused, and acts of hostility are their only way at that point of expressing themselves, however wrong that might be.

 

Oh, Maxwell you are absolutely not alone. People do not accept things they don't understand out of self-preservation. They assume if you're not straight there must be something wrong with you, or somehow they failed in raising you. Take a look at how you described your adoptive family. There are so many issues going on there they're emotionally closed off to being able to help anyone. It doesn't necessarily have to be sexuality; anything that makes you "different" would be a huge barrier to "fitting in" in that environment.

It is not you that is or has the problem. Get past that line of thinking. Recognize that everyone is limited to some extent or another as to how they can care for another human being; in the case of your family they seem limited to such an extent that they cannot care for themselves and pursue destructive behaviors.

If you can't get access to local support (I totally get this; I have resources in the area I cannot use without coming out of my closet... classic Catch-22 scenario), rely on us here to talk through what you're feeling.

 

I could relate to you. My family is homophobic. I was brought up to think of gays as disgusting. I'm gay, and know my family will never change. It's not that family and church friends don't want to change. But they don't want to not "fit-in" with the popular belief. If your family or friends don't love you or respect you for who you are, then find new ones. I've learned that it's impossible for me to change, so if someone can't respect me, than it's time to move on.

 

I worked out an early age that the only one who can make you happy/be supportive is yourself.

I came out at 18 and had to move out as my family was less than supportive.

Still - it made me more independent than either of my siblings and I am a lot happier 13 year later with a loving partner.

I see my parents 4 times a year without my partner.

I would say - limit contact and not caring what they think has helped me.

They might be family, but it doesn't mean they can treat you like dirt.