Obviously, I am new here. I found these forums because my son is here. He recently came out to us as gay. We have no issues, or problems with that at all- he's a fantastic kid, and I love him to pieces. I am a bit over my head here. He is 13, and he has asked me for a dildo. We have openly discussed masturbation and he says that it just doesn't do it for him. I want him to feel safe in experimenting, and to always be comfortable talking to me. I am not sure of this one, however. Advice? Opinions? Anyone been there, done that? Thank you.
Woah. Are you sure he's knows what he's asking for? I mean most people are uncomfortable just watching a sex scene in a movie with their parents, let alone talking about sex. Your son just.. woah. So anyway I'd probably not get him one. He's too young.
Just take him onto a website, like Sugar... Ooooor go into a sex shop is he can find one... Sounds, well, not so easy as my daughter is 15... Yikes! Hang in there mama!
Whew, thaaats now how I was expecting this to go I would maybe advise against getting him one because, ya know, he's only 13. BUT, with that being said, I'd say make sure that he isn't using any alternatives that could result in him hurting himself. And now that he's already thrown the idea out, it'll probably be time to give him a bit of a sex ed lesson on anal stimulation just in case he DOES find some alternate object. If he doesn't use some form of lubricant, he' going to hurt himself
I wouldn't get him one, if you do, he needs to start out small... the bum doesn't work like the vajayjay, and it needs to be eased into uh "allowance size". But you should definitely make sure he isn't using something else in the mean time.
Well, I give your son major kudos for being blunt and owning his sexuality. I'm in my thirties, and despite being super sex positive I still don't think I could talk to my mother about wanting a new dildo. :lol: Let's look at the positives here. He's being honest and open with you. This is a important and good thing, despite any discomfort it may cause. It's not that unusual that your son would want to experiment with anal play. In fact, this probably isn't really a gay or straight question. He's at a phase in life where kids are rather curious and looking to experiment. My number one concern is not that your son is interested in anal play, or that he wants a dildo. My number one concern is that he may attempt to use something that isn't designed to be a sex toy as a sex toy. Lot's of people do this - both girls and boys. I certainly did it when I was around his age. So, really we're sitting here and we're confronted with a number of issues. First, is the squick factor. If you're like most parents when we hear this question there is a bit of a freak out and a desire to un-hear what you just heard. A lot of this has to do with sexual shame in our culture, and it has more to do with us than him. Second, is the thought that he may be too young. The issue here is that what does "too young" mean? How much is the answer to that question has to do with the squick factor rather than the maturity of your son? If someone is old enough to potentially be sexually active, and they're actively masturbating (as most people are by thirteen years old), are they really too young? Third, is the issue I already addressed - what happens if he attempts to use something that isn't designed to go up there? The age question is too ambiguous, so that's something that's largely left up to your discretion as a parent. The answer probably varies based on the child, and there probably isn't a "right" or a "wrong" answer to it. Taking some time to think about it, it's one of my firm beliefs when it comes to partner sex is that it's better (whether you're a girl or a boy) to have penetrated yourself before letting someone else do it. This is hugely important because you don't want to run into a situation - especially anal sex - completely blind. When you have the ability to penetrate yourself, you can do that without the pressure of having to "perform" for someone else in the room. You can take your time, stop when you want to without any pressure, and generally get used to what it feels like. This means when you walk into a partner sex scenario, you'll be able to communicate to your partner when something doesn't feel right - you'll know: "Hey, it doesn't hurt when I do it! You're doing it wrong! Stop! Let me show you how I do it, so it doesn't hurt me." You can't really communicate properly if you're flying into that situation blind with no idea of what to expect. As a result, I think I'd go against the majority here and get him a small dildo. I can't really think of any significant or even minor harm that it would cause. My mind simply goes to all the bizarre (and insanely unsafe) things I attempted to shove up my butt when I was around his age, the fact that I know I wasn't the only one, and the knowledge of what ER doctors see all the time related to the stuff people try to shove up their butt. I just personally can't find a good and logical justification to say no outside of age, and when I press myself on the age question I personally find it has more to do with a personal squick factor than age. So, if you decide to get him a dildo, how should you go about it? Well, it's important to realize that not all dildos are created equal. Some are intended for vaginal use and others for anal use. Those intended for anal are going to have a base that is larger than any insertable part of the toy. This is going to prevent the toy from slipping inside the body - which is the number one reason people run into trouble. Next, I'd focus on something that was body safe. Something either made of glass, stainless steel, or 100% medical grade silicone. It's important to understand that sex toys aren't really regulated, and are considered "novelty items". So, a lot of the toys you're going to encounter aren't really going to be all that body safe - they'll be porous, for example. This is one of the reasons you want to look at a reputable manufacturer of high quality sex toys, for example - a company like Fun Factory. I'd also insist that he buy something for beginners, and I'd openly veto anything outlandish. Something between 4 and 5 inches, with moderate girth would probably be ideal. Nothing too extreme. Finally, as part of the purchase I'd insist that he buy condoms (for the toy - as well as to just have them on hand), some type of high quality lube depending on the toy (likely water based - remember silicone lube can't be used with silicone toys), and some toy cleaner. We'd then have to have a conversation about taking proper care of sex toys, especially the type that you insert into your body. We'd also have to have a conversation about not sharing sex toys without first sterilizing them, and finding ways to make them safe (such as using a condom). In the end, I think if I were in your position I'd feel more comfortable knowing that I've done everything I could do to make sure that he's being responsible and safe, and have hopefully saved him from an embarrassing trip to the ER with something like a magic marker stuck up his butt. I suppose that's worth trying to overcome the squick factor.
First off, WOW, it's awesome to see your son is very open to you about things. I pretty much would echo everything that Aldrick has said. I would make sure that he isn't using anything that isn't safe for anal play. If you want to buy him a dildo, make sure you buy it in a sate where it is legal to buy one (In some states it's actually illegal to buy sex toys). I'd start off a bit on the small side, probably one that is about 4"-6" long, with average girth, I'd say no to anything too extreme, but I'll let you and your son be the judges of what's too extreme. Make sure it's an anal dildo that has a base at the end, so there won't be any um, accidents. I'd also buy him some sort of lubricant, one that is water based if you decide to buy him condoms as well, like Aldrick said. Just do whatever you think is necessary to make sure he's safe about it, too. That's about it, hope this helped.
So much this - i would have loved to have seen the look on your face when he asked you but seriously though, it sounds like you and your son have a great relationship if you guys are that open with each other.
A very...very...very good relationship In my honest opinion I would say no. His body is still developing and if he does something silly he could cause some serious, irreversable, damage!
In thinking about this, I would argue that if your son is old enough to masturbate and enjoy it (or not be fulfilled by it) then he's probably old enough to have a dildo. I think many of the posters in this thread find it a bit shocking because they themselves weren't aware enough of their bodies at that age to even think about anal play... but clearly your son is. I also agree with Aldrick that if you don't get him a proper dildo, he's likely to mprovise with whatever he can find. So under that logic, you're a lot better off getting him the proper equipment with which to experiment. Since you have an open discussion channel with him on the topic, it's probably worthwhile to encourage him to go slowly and start with a relatively small dildo, in part to ensure that he doesn't set unreal expectations for himself when he's ready to start having sex (hopefully not for a few years!) He sounds like a sensible person with a good head on his shoulders and so my guess is he'll probably appreciate and understand your reasoning. And... kudos for being an amazing mom to have fostered such an open and honest relationship with him.
Aldrick has pretty much covered all the bases here, but just to add a couple thoughts... Prepping for use of an anal toy is going to be similar to prepping for anal sex. If your son is on EC there is a resource page on that that he should refer to. Along with things like lube and cleaning materials, I'd suggest getting him a large towel or two to put down when playing. This can make clean up (of excess lube, sweat, or whatever) much easier. Amazon sells a vast selection of toys of all kinds and includes customer reviews. ALWAYS read the customer reviews. Not sure if you would want to just get him something, sit down with him to research and compare products, or just give him some guidelines re size, price and material and then let him get back to you with 4-6 'finalists' or something else. You might want to consider using this as an opportunity for helping him to continue to develop into a responsible adult. Things like laying down ground rules about always cleaning the toy after use, putting it away when not in use (because if he leaves it in the bathroom to dry, Murphy's Law says that's when a neighbor will come by and end up using the bathroom), or even doing his own laundry (including bedding, towels, whatever he's cleaning up with etc.) or at least transporting it to the hamper might all be options. There's also the issue of how replacement lube and condoms get paid for. Does he pay for them out of his allowance (either now or eventually)? Make good use of Xmas and birthday money? Something else? Opportunities for teaching budgeting and money management abound here Hope this helps and you are a wonderful parent for developing such an open and honest relationship with your son. Take care, Todd
I have a 14, 17 and 22 year old, and quite honestly, I would get him one. At least then you know he is not using something else to gain anal stimulation and possibly causing issues. Children are sexual beings and I have had openly sexual talks about things like masturbation, and such, with ALL my children. I have provided lube for my kids when they have asked. And I have had a talk with my youngest about anal play and being safe with masturbation(she's Bi). Your son could possibly use something that he could lose up his colon. Better to provide the appropriate dildo with a large flanged base so he does NOT lose it, or harm himself. Can you image his horror if he had to go to the hospital to have something removed? Other people on here are probably suprised becasue they eitehr don't have teens or they didn't have that type of open relationship with their parents and can't imagine it. Less than 5% of teens have this type of open realtionship with their parents, and quite frankly, I find it rather sad. I would rather my kids got appropriate and honest sexual answers from me, than have to go out and try to find them for themselves. The second way involves an increase risk of STDs and also harm. I support being proactive in this.
i would say have him pick one off a web site, less embarrassment for everybody. i doubt they would even let him in the door anyway. make sure it's small and the proper lube for whatever material it's made of. maybe just a butt plug. my straight son at 14 wanted condoms, i freaked then provided them and a....vajayjay in a can hoping he didn't use the condoms.since they are not fail safe.
These are the conversations I was too scared to have with my parents, and have no good idea what I'll do when the time comes with my two kids (sooner than I'd like, but that's part of parenting.) Bottom line is you and your son both know he is exploring his sexuality and learning about how his body reacts to stimulation. The most important parts of discussing sex with you kids has to be respect, safety and honesty, no matter how uncomfortable the issue. Respect your son for having the courage to ask for a dildo. Safety in exploring anal stimulation is very important as the experience can have long-lasting implications for how he expresses his sexuality with partners in the future. Be honest with your son with any concerns you have about his exploration. I can't imagine any sex shops will allow anyone under 18/21 inside, so you'll either need to go online or shop on your own. Make sure he understands how to use the dildo safely, the importance of lubrication, and make sure he's aware of how to check for any accidental damage; along those lines, don't let his excitement get the better of him, guide him to select a device that is appropriately sized for a 13 year old body... bigger is not always better. Good luck, you're a lucky mom to have a son that's so comfortable being open with you. Kudos to you for raising such a great kid!
My thought is: if the OP's son wants to try a butt toy, perhaps order a prostate massager like those sold by High Island Health or Aneros. They're both divisions of the same company. High Island markets the product as a prostate massage device. Aneros has an expanded product line that includes the High Island offerings (among others), promotes the device as a sex toy. The Aneros line starts out small with the SGX; their largest model is the Vice. All models have handles at the base to protect against over-insertion. And they're more discreet as they're not penis-shaped. Times have changed since I was 13; I never would have dreamed of asking my parents to buy me a butt toy. That said, I agree with others here who say that a toy is the safest option. No risk of STDs or rectal foreign body injury. And I agree, cleanup and lubrication are musts, and the toy should be put away to avoid awkward situations.
