how do i tell him i know

Well, I haven't been in this situation personally, but I do have some advice that may help.

Let me start by saying that I don't think this is a situation where you can avoid forcing him to out himself before he might be ready. I don't know if we know what "out" means, yet - do we? Are we dealing with some gender issues? Is he bisexual? Is he gay? These are questions we don't have answers too, and they are questions that only he can answer. They are also questions you deserve answers too. Yes, even if those answers are painful and difficult to give you.

Understand, I don't think this is a conversation that you can avoid having, because if you put it off it's going to start bubbling up and manifesting itself in other ways. You're going to be walking around with these questions hanging over the head of your relationship, and whatever empathy you feel for him right now will probably begin to turn to resentment. That's normal, and it's going to hurt your ability to deal with the situation.

I think the best thing to do is not let anger and resentment begin to infect the situation. That's going to make it harder to make good judgments on how to move forward. That doesn't mean anger is "wrong" to feel - you have every right to be angry, he's been cheating on you. It's just that being angry isn't productive or helpful, and will cloud any decisions you need to make as a result.

So, when you're in the best state of mind possible, and there are no distractions you need to confront him with the need to have a serious conversation. At that point, you tell him what you've just told us, and then you give him a chance to explain himself. I'd point out that you are hurt and upset, but you aren't angry and that all you want is for him to be honest and truthful with you. Hopefully if you do that he'll feel safe enough to actually be truthful and forthcoming.

You're likely to get roughly one of four responses. The first type of response you could get is endless denials. There are cases where no matter how much evidence you present - even video evidence - he will deny everything until his dying breath. The second type of response you could get is the angry response, where he is upset that you read his e-mails and he tries to shift all of the focus onto you and your actions. The third type of response you could get is spin - he'll admit what he has too, but he's going to try to downplay things and make the situation seem as if it isn't as bad as it really looks. For example, he might confess that all that you read is true, but that he was only "curious" and now that "curiosity" has faded. The fourth type of response - the response you want - is the truth.

At this point in time all you can really do is be honest with yourself, and then be honest with him. After that, it's just a matter of him willing to be honest with you. Depending on what he tells you, that's going to determine how things move forward.

I'm very sorry that you're in this horrible situation, but I want you to know that there have been a lot of people in your shoes. If you can keep a level head no matter what decisions your husband makes, I can guarantee you that you are going to come out of this situation just fine. None of what has taken place reflects on you as a person, a wife, a mother, or a lover in a negative way. A mistake some people make is to try and internalize what has happened - don't make that mistake. This is his issue, don't take ownership of it for him. Also, don't forget that you deserve to know the truth.

 

I just wanted to reinforce what Aldrick said, especially the 4 responses part. I think that if you understand those then you'll be prepared for however he reacts.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you're not in the wrong here. You really do deserve the truth from him. Just tell him what you told us, but be ready to listen to whatever he says. You'll be angry of course, and you deserve to be, but try not to turn it into a shouting match.

 

I'd also suggest being as clear in your own mind how you want to proceed based which of the four responses he chooses, before you approach him. He has had time to think about wwhether he will be evasive, honest, Orr lash out at you. Take time for yourself to respond appropriately depending on his level of honesty. It's also possible he wants to get caught somehow, and just hasn't had the nerve to just tell you what's going on.

 

tellinghimiknow,

W/O going into the whole story, my wife forced me into telling her. At first i was mad because i wasnt totally ready with doing that. But in a way, it was kind of good because it was finally out there. I guess he could be mad at you, but maybe by you bringing it up, it may making it easier for him to tell you.

 

The only thing I can stress is, be sure to go out of your way to be kind and non-confrontational. You certainly sound like someone who already knows that. But bear in mind that as sensitive a subject as this is to you, it is very likely a thousand times more so for him, and many of those possible responses are rooted in that level of sensitivity. He is more likely to go with option 4--the truth--if he doesn't feel that it will cause his world to crash down around him.