Feeling grief when sibling came out as transgender

Hell yeah it's normal, unfortunately.

How do you overcome it? By spending time with them and helping yourself to notice that they are the same person deep down, even if they are expressing it differently now.

 

I can totally understand that. My brother is away at uni and we were really close beforehand. I know it was weird for him when I told him.

If you can't be with him and see these things for yourself, then take some time and list some of the things you like about your brother. The things that if someone said their name you would immediately think of. So if someone said my brothers name I would think something like "Funny, weird smile, good to watch films with, shares my sense of humour" that sort of thing.

Think of them and then know that most of them will still be there, most of them you probably won't even have to look hard to find!

 

As ElliaOtaku said, it's completely normal to feel this way. Don't beat yourself up. By acknowledging what you're feeling, and allowing yourself to feel it - it's going to help you move through it more quickly.

What matters in the end is that you love and support him. So long as you give him that love and support, you're not going to go wrong. Keep in mind he's had a long time to come to terms with this on his own, and there were emotional struggles on his end as well.

In the end, I want you to know that what you're feeling is only temporary. These feelings of grief are going to pass, but in the mean time don't beat yourself up over what you feel.

 

It is perfectly normal to feel that way. The important thing to remember though is that his spirit is still the same one you grew up with. In a weird way this is going to be like getting to know your sister all over again, only as your brother. And then, at the end of it, finding that your brother is exactly the same person your sister was and that there's no difference between the two other than pronouns and possibly anatomy. His mind is the same and his heart is the same. I grew up with sisters and always wanted brothers, and I know some people who grew up with brothers and always wanted sisters--you will be in the peculiar position of having had a sister and now having a brother, all in the same person, which is kind of awesome if you think about it. Sounds like you're a very loving, supportive sibling and he's lucky to have you.

 

Yup. It's normal. I mean the thing to keep in mind is, you're not losing your sibling but instead the perception of who they were. Your brother's still gonna be, for the most part, the same person he was. Though perhaps now more true to himself. And I think you'll find, if you give him time and don't push him away, you'll be glad to know him.

Chances are, you'll probably screw up pronouns. You'll probably screw up the name a few times. But as long as you're trying, it'll work out. Make sure you validate him and his gender and, hell, just be there for him. If he plans on transitioning, it's going to be a process with a lot of ups and downs. And if you and his family support him, he'll be glad to have you.

Hope it goes well.

 

Grieving for the loss of who you perceive a loved one to be is sadly part of the process that family members often go through. My dad was in denial about it and had a very hard time getting used to the idea, up until I had my surgery. He called me the day I woke up and apologized for not taking me as seriously as he should have. Just know that this is probably as hard or harder for them to accept, and in some way they are probably grieving too. It is a tough path to walk, but accepting it and dealing with it really allows the individual to live a happy, full life that they would not be able to have by keeping things a secret. Knowing that really helped my family accept me as I am. (*hug*)

 

The fact that you have joined this forum and are asking for advice I think is a great thing I only wish my family would do the same and seek support rather than just being angry and blaming me for everything that is wrong with their lives.

 

I had this happen when my brother came out awhile ago, and it is a stage you move through. Some other people in this thread have mentioned just keep spending time with him and that is COMPLETELY true. At first I was a little weirded out by the fact that my bro was gay (I was only questioning at the time) but I just kept hanging around him and realized that he was the exact same person and that was it. I get that you don't get to see him as much but really all that means is the "grieving" period might be a little longer because you can't spend as much time with him. Every time you see him you will realize a little more that he is still your sibling that you grew up with and relate to and eventually it won't even be a thing anymore, he will be part of your life and you will be cool with it.

Maybe go look up the 5 stages of grief so you can at least understand better what you are experiencing? Also use this site as much as you need, it is definitely helpful and can maybe help you move through the process a little faster.

 

It's completely normal to feel this way. I'm transgender myself, as is my mother- She came out to me a while after I came out to her, and it's been something we've both had to work with. Slowly, though, over the past months, she's been able to stop thinking that her sweet, quirky daughter is dead and start thinking that her sweet, quirky son is still here- he just has a deeper voice, heh. In the same vein, I've been able to stop believing I could no longer have my strong, protective dad and started knowing that I now have an even stronger, protective, beautiful mother. It just takes time for them to settle in and for you to realize that they're still the same- just expressing themselves differently and how they wish to be perceived, and with a different package. Maybe set up dates to skype with him or call him often? I feel like he'd appreciate that a lot, I know I did after I came out to people.. family can be pretty scary, so I think it'd be beneficial to you both to make sure you're in close contact, even though you're far away.

 

It's totally normal. Just a little story when I came out to my friends as genderqueer and pansexual they are startong to drift away. It takes time to process. It may take weeks to accept it months or even years. Don't worry you will adjust!

 

Firstly, don't beat yourself up about it. But just remember that it's the same person! A person's a person regardless of their gender.

 

A lot of people feel that way when a family member comes out as trans*. It will take some time to get used to. Know that you aren't losing anyone. He is the same person he was before he came out. You'll be okay; just give it time
Ps. Kudos to you for getting pronouns and stuff correct right away!