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How should I support this Friend?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Friend, Feb 9, 2014.

  1. Friend

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    Almost 12 months ago a friend let me find out - on purpose - that he was gay and had been in a gay relationship for some time (years) and lives with his partner! I wasn't surprised he was gay but shocked that he had been keeping a gay relationship secret for so long.

    We never talked about it properly, I never really brought it up and neither did he. For weeks we talked around the subject but it was the elephant in the room. Then suddenly, for the first time, he started to talk about his partner. He would just say normal things about them going somewhere, doing sometime at the weekend etc. I went with the flow and would just comment and talk as if I'd always known and everything was fine. I was thinking he let me find out in a strange way but that was just his way so I got on with it.

    Everything was fine and normal for about 6 weeks and then they both went on holiday together so I wasn't talking to my friend for about a week. When he came back everything had changed and it was like his partner didn't exist. Everything went back to the way it was before I found out and his partner was never mentioned again although I do know they're still together.

    Time has gone on and I'm getting closer and closer to him, he's one of my best friends but he has never mentioned his partner again and I don't know if I should. He even says things sometimes that suggests he's single, has no ties etc when I know that's untrue. It's like he's in some sort of denial, living two lives. I know he's not out to work colleagues and I am about 70% certain he's not out to his family, I'm guessing his family don't know about his partner. I know his partner is openly gay but it appears my friend is still in the closet.

    I guess I'm posting because I just want to support him in the best way that I can. I love him, I don't care that he's gay and I just want him to be happy and I think he can't possibly be happy the way he is?

    I just want to hug him and tell him everything is ok and to be please be himself but I don't know if that's for the best or if I should leave it and let him talk if or when he's ready?
     
  2. KindaSad

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    I think that if he's already come out to you, and it was on his terms, it's okay to kinda coax him out of his shell a bit more. It's also sort of a good thing that you're so hesitant to bring things up and start asking questions; it shows that you really care about his well being and that he's comfortable. You should tell him what you wrote at the end- tell him you love him and just want to be there to give him support. If you're as close as you say you are, he'll understand your interest in his personal life. Start a dialogue! You'll be fine. He might even be relieved.
     
  3. silverhalo

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    Hey I just have one question before I encourage you to bring up the topic of his boyfriend. Are you sure they didn't split up?
     
  4. Friend

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    Hey Silverhalo, I'm 99% sure they're still together, yes. I know they moved house together recently.

    Kindasad, I'm worried about getting in to a situation where if I don't mention his partner he begins to think that I have some issue with it. But I don't want to mention him as sometimes my friend goes to extreme lengths to indicate that he's single (and straight) and I don't want to make him uncomfortable bringing it up if he's not ready to talk about it and prefer to be in the closet. From time to time I do try and get across that I have no issue with gay people, just saying I like some gay celebrity or something just so that he knows I'd be supportive.

    I don't understand the change when he came back from holiday and went back to his partner not existing. Can anyone shed any light on that?
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Hey I cannot shed any light on why. My only thoughts stem from who I felt when I first came out. Despite all of my friends being supportive I felt awkward. When I got my girlfriend I didn't know whether to talk about her or not. Because I'd only just come out it felt weird to talk about but I thought if I don't then it will be something I never talk about.

    Maybe he was kind of getting used to talking about it and the. Because of the week away stopped and couldn't start again. This is my best guess.

    Maybe as he brought it up casually in conversation you should do the same. So like, did you and ....... Do anything at the weekend? Or do you have any plans for the weekend. Or just how is you pr partner?
     
  6. frkn frk

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    Are u trying to support him or take his friends place? Either way the friend has to come up I conversation. Just ask.
     
  7. suninthesky

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    First off, thank you for being supportive of him. I'm glad that you're in his life.

    You say "he had been keeping a gay relationship secret for so long." Think of it more as "keeping a relationship secret for so long." Don't treat him or think of him differently than you did before.

    When you talk about liking a gay celebrity or what not, don't just say that you like _____. Maybe say something like, I think ____ is really brave for being out to the public. That way you're blatantly, openly talking about LGBT stuff, without it actually being about him. Then he won't feel uncomfortable if he doesn't want to talk, but it leave a door wide-open if he does.

    Sometimes it's hard to bring certain topics up. He might have had the courage to do it once, but be working on the courage to do it again. When I started being out about being trans, I still wouldn't talk about any of the issues or occurrences that were interesting or bugged me. I still censored myself, and it took some time before I was about to talk more about without feeling uncomfortable. It helped when other people brought up the subject because then I wasn't self-conscious about bringing it up all the time.

    Thanks again, you're an all-star!
     
    #7 suninthesky, Feb 9, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2014
  8. ice444

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    Talk to him about his partner, ask what his partner likes/doesn't like and talk to him about what they do together (non sexual).

    Say that you think it's great his found someone and would love to meet his partner.

    You sound supportive so at least he has 1 friend he can count on :slight_smile: