How to handle lesbian parents?

i can sympathies with your parents about being angry about others or hypothetically my children trying to hide my identity away from others. but then again i can understand at your age how it can be very tough! and it generally isnt the school in my opinion thats homophobic its the year level :I. which may just mean it'll take some time before the grow some maturity.

as for "feeling so bitter over their sexuality is why I feel like I'll never let them know that I'm bisexual. It would be almost hypocritical" your parents ought to know the struggles of coming out of the closet, so you've got it quite lucky and i highly doubt they will judge you for being a closeted bisexual because by judging you it'd also be hypocritical, and LGBT parents from what the rumor mill goes are most accepting .

What i think you ought to do is talk to them about your feelings!
Hope this helps!!!!

 

I think being honest with your parents would be a good start. I know it's difficult but probably the fact that they weren't honest in the first place didn't help, even though they did it to try and protect you.

The problem with keeping a secret and lying to keep it a secret (and don't worry we have all done it) is that a small lie builds like a snowball and grows and grows until to end the lie feels like you are standing head on into an avalanche that is just going to bury it.

I think the best way to move forward is just a tiny step at a time, rather than thinking I need to stop this and tell everyone the truth. Think I'm going to tell this person or these 2 people or I'm going to talk about my mums to one of those people that already knows.

You have to break it down into small manageable steps rather than thinking of it as 1 massive problem.
You might not want to tell absolutely everyone there is nothing wrong with that I mean it's great if you can but it something to work towards.

 

There seems to be 2 issues here that you are blending in to one. (Plus an extra, separate one I'll come to in a second!)

1. Your parents for whatever reason, didn't tell you they are gay. I'm going to assume it's because they thought you might get bullied for it, which is a fear most if not all gay parents have.

2. You and your brother, for whatever reason, don't want other people to know they are gay. "but they get so offended when we try to hide it."

The first problem is difficult. I wonder, would your opinion be different right now if they had always been clear they are gay? You've said yourself that you have two main issues with their relationship. The first is that your school is pretty homophobic, and you don't want to be bullied for having gay parents. That's fair, and believe me, nobody here is going to hold at against you. The second is that from their perspective, you appear to be ashamed of it.

The biggest problem with this I think is that it is basically forcing you between school and home. Do you risk being bullied at school for having gay parents but let your parents know that you love and accept them and that you aren't ashamed like they say you are, just scared of what will happen. OR do you pretend it doesn't exist, even though you know there is always a chance the school will find out anyway, but for now be safe at school, at the risk of alienating both your parents in a way that will be really, really hard to repair.

Every parents worst nightmare (or one of them anyway) is that their children are going to be bullied at school. Worse still that they might be the cause of it. But equally, I think I am right in saying that every LGBTQ* parent has an extra nightmare. That their children will resent or be ashamed of them, for who they are. Personally, I would want to either talk to, or if that was difficult, write a letter to your parents. I would want to let them know that I absolutely love them and that I am not ashamed of who they are. Hell, I might even come out to them at that point. Then I would tell them the answers they've been asking for in no uncertain terms. Tell them that you are worried that your school is homophobic and what you are worried about.

It might be heartbreaking for them to hear, but at least they know how you feel about them (I am, of course, making the bold assumption here that you actually DO like them...).

As for coming out, it's not hypocritical. Your parents know there are people who will discriminate against them and by homophobic about them, but they've managed to find people that won't. They know the things you are worried about and they know you can find people that aren't going to make your life miserable for something you can't change.

 

It does sound like a difficult situation. I'm not sure why your moms chose to hide their relationship from you. Do you live in an unsafe area? My wife and I have a 9 yo and have always been open with him, his friends and his friends' parents about our relationship. In turn, it has been a non-issue for my son at school. We do live in the relatively liberal northeast of the US. Also, I've had plenty of my 13-14 year olds students who have talked openly and comfortably about their gay or lesbian parents.
I feel sad for your family that your parents hid their relationship from you. I think that in turn has made you feel uncomfortable letting other people know about it. Also, it seems to make it uncomfortable for you to talk to your moms about your bisexuality.
I think the best thing for you to do is have an open, non-confrontational, conversation with your parents about your feelings on this. They probably have a lot of stored up emotions on this issue too. Good luck and keep us updated on how things are going.

 

just respect ur moms at least you get to experience dating nd they dont have a problem with it nd dont do drugs or sleep around,date in ur 20s

 

I also have lesbian moms but I've never had this problem. My mom has always been honest with me about her identity and her partners and I can't imagine her trying to hide it.

I suppose I would just echo what everyone else said, about telling people about your parents gradually rather than all at once and also having a non-confrontational talk with your moms and telling them how you feel. I know that even though my mom is lesbian it was still very difficult for me to come out to her (for different reasons entirely) but she was actually much more accepting of it than I expected. I realized afterwards that I should have given her more credit and I shouldn't have expected a bad reaction from her. Hopefully if you come out to your moms that will also be the case.

I hope things go well for you. Best of luck!

 

are your parents cool with dating?

 

Have you tried asking them why they weren't honest with you? That seems like good place to start.

 

If she does say that, you could say it was pretty counter-productive to not expect your kids to be affected by their parents.

 

I think writing a letter to them explaining all this might do some good, then it won't look like you are just doing or saying it it hurt them.

 

I read your thread, and a few things stuck out to me.

While that may not have entirely been lying, it certainly wasn't being honest. I don't think it was fair that they were holding out on you and your brother. But no matter how good their intentions were, it's still putting strain on you. Did they ever outright tell you that their relationship is non-platonic?

To be honest, this is a bit of a red flag. I'm just slightly curious as to what she means by affected. I'm assuming she means negative affects. Is she saying that if you knew that you had same-sex parents it would affect your sexuality in some way?

Just to clarify, was it one of your parents that asked if you were "even into guys"? Because if so, that's not very respectful of them.

Starting fights with you about it is not going to help the situation. Have you told them that you're school is homophobic? I don't know the context, but they sound defensive. They might be lashing out because they feel bad.

Have you ever talked to your brother about any of this? I think it might be good to make sure you two are on the same page about everything that's going on in your house. Especially about the incident with the Xbox, and the school function. I think getting his perspective would be helpful. Understanding where he's coming from could help dealing with your parents.

I'm really sorry that you got put into this situation. Make sure that they know you're okay with their relationship. Have you ever considered seeing a family counselor to help all of you work through this?

Sorry about the huge post!

 

Wow, I must say I've rarely heard stories as unusual as this one, no wonder you're having a hard time dealing with this, OP! *hugs*

I think your mom might be dealing with insecurity towards her own homosexuality, hence her wanting to "protect" you by not telling you that she is gay. Were you born while she was in this relationship, or did it form after you were born? If it's the former, it eludes me why she had children in the first place, but if it's the latter, I guess I can kind of get where she's coming from (although her way of dealing with it was unfair to you).

I can't for the life of me understand how she can expect you *not* to be ashamed when in fact, you probably wouldn't be had she not made it into something shameful by omitting to tell you what is such an obvious truth... You should ask her.

I don't really know what advice to give you. This seems like a very complicated situation, and a few posts from you doesn't really give me a very whole picture... But you did say that you just started at a new school. I think maybe it would be a good idea to start being more open about it, before it's "too late" and you're scared to lose a friend or something. If your mother won't be open about it because of some sort of fear, you can show her there's nothing to fear by being open about it yourself.

In an ideal world, your family should definitely seek therapy to sort this all out. I know that you're the kid and it's really up to your parents to decide whether to do it or not, but if there's some way you think you could get them to consider it, you really should do it.

 

I also grew up with lesbian parents in elementary school only one my moms would come cause she didn't want the school to know. I always thought it was cool having 2 moms it took me some courage to tell my best friend about them but he was very accepting. Now I need to let them know there son is bisexual !

 

The more you make a big deal out of it and seem embarrassed about it, the more people will pick up on that insecurity you have and give you a hard time about it. If you just hold your head high and appear confident, they won't dare bother you. Ok, let's not lie to ourselves, some still will. But you can't always win. On the other hand, perhaps other people will surprise you by being more accepting than you expected them to be.

There's this trick that people use to avoid blushing: they basically pretend that there's nothing to be blushing about, thereby raising their confidence level and reducing blushing. This is kind of what you need to do, except it's the dumb people that you're trying to get rid of, not the blushing.

But I understand that your situation is complex and you may be hesitant to talk to people. But the longer you wait, the harder it's going to get, so definitely consider doing it soon. Then you'll be able to breathe more freely.

*hugs*

 

I don't think ill have kids that sounds like too much.