Raising pre-teen QUESTIONS!!

Welcome to EC! I hope I can be of help even though I don't have my own children, but I do have younger sisters and have worked in a school for the last 5 years so I hope you'll still consider the things I have to say

I'll start with your daughters sexual identity. You've asked "whether it's possible...that she's...actually gay and not bisexual?" and the simple answer is yes. However, it is also possible she she's straight or asexual or anything else. The problem with this, is that she will most likely not talk about it unless she is ready to do so.

I'm wondering at this point, when you've spoken to her and she has said things like "I don't even want to be touched. I'm weird like that. The idea of actual sex with someone kind of freaks me out." what has your response been?

As for porn...it's unhealthy in EXCESS. As you know and have told her, it's a terrible way to learn about sexual relationships, but as she has told you, she uses porn 'the way it was intended' which I have to assume means she just masturbates to it and moves on...Having said that, I mean, it's entirely up to you how you handle that one...I mean on the one hand it's healthy for her to know that porn isn't necessarily a bad thing and that masturbating is OK, especially if it prevents her from being sexually active until she is mature enough to be doing so, but on the other hand you would be well within your rights to 'ban' it from the house what with it being 18+ and all...it won't WORK but you know, you tried!

 

I think you're doing the right thing in having these conversations with your daughter. It's important that you have this type of open dialog about sex and sexuality, and she seems fairly comfortable talking to you. Still, I think it's important to remember her age and the fact that she's just starting to figure things out for herself.

My personal view is that it's always best to be easily accessible, make sure that you can have these types of conversations comfortably, and then provide your children with the information they need to make informed decisions. That's really the role of parenting in these types of circumstances, doing the best possible to prepare them for the world at large so they can make informed decisions.

When it comes to porn, well - I'm not sure about your age, but when I was growing up which was right before the internet really took off and became popular - it was no where near as accessible as it is now. However, that didn't stop me from looking for "suggestive images". For me, it was the men's underwear section of the JCPenny Catalog. I'm sure for straight guys it was things like Victoria's Secret.

The fact of the matter is people seem to actively seek out sexually stimulating material. This is SO MUCH easier now-a-days as a result of the internet, and it's really to the point where I don't think it's possible to block it all. Even if you created a policy in your home which denied your children access, there are ways to get around that even if you're actively checking.

However, that being said you're spot on about some of the reservations that you have regarding younger people viewing porn. We don't want them to use porn as a means to judge what real sex is like, and we don't want them to assume that the types of bodies and images they see in porn are realistic. Porn is, as you know, a fantasy. It's designed to be sexually stimulating.

The situation isn't ideal. It's natural for kids the age of your daughter to be curious and to seek out sexually stimulating material. They're at the age where it's normal to begin masturbating. This is completely normal. So, I think the best thing you can do is simply have multiple conversations with your kids about porn, and talk about how it is a fantasy. When it comes to the issues of sexual objectification, I think it's important to note that this doesn't come from the porn itself, it comes from the viewer of the material. So it's important to have a conversation about personal values in that regard.

I also think you're right that you'd probably feel differently if it was one of your sons viewing the porn. Culturally speaking we have such a double standard for women when it comes to sexuality in general. It's perfectly natural for women to become sexually aroused, to want sex, to enjoy sex, to masturbate, to enjoy explicit sexual materials, and pretty much anything a guy enjoys. The reverse is also true. The best way to see if we're acting biased is to swap the genders in our head. If we feel differently - even slightly - there is some degree of bias there.

It's important for young women to know that they have just as much right to their sexuality as men. This is how we overcome things like slut shaming. That doesn't mean we encourage young women to have sex, it just means that we teach that saying yes doesn't make you a bad person anymore than saying no. It also means that we teach things like standing up to peer pressure to have sex, what consent actually looks like, and feeling just as comfortable saying no as saying yes to sex. We want to empower young women to make their own choices with their bodies and their sexuality. The same messages, of course, should be shared with young men.

Finally, whether your daughter is gay, straight, bi, or something else - well, that's an issue of self-discovery. Rather than trying to push her into a box and make a choice, just encourage her to do what feels right and follow her instincts. Nature will work itself out. In this area she can't really make any "wrong choices" unless she's choosing to be with someone who treats her poorly or is actively causing her harm.

After all of this, it's just a matter of making it clear that your home is LGBT friendly, so that whether she's dating boys, girls, or someone who identifies as something in-between the two - that she feels welcome and those she develops romantic relationships with feels welcome within your home. That's simply an issue of manifesting your values through your words and actions.

I hope this helps.

 

Porn only dangerous if it gives wrong ideas to the person, but aslong as there is an adult explaing things evrything is ok, in that way porn is PG 13 in the sense that i dont think it will affect her mentally as long as she have parent guidence...

---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2014 at 09:08 AM ----------

Also, if youforbid her from seeyng it she could rebel and watch it in secret without you being able to guide her.

 

id advise u tell not go to parties with alcohol substance and drugs,its a dangerous thing.

 

What do drugs and alcohol have to do with discovering sexuality again? The girl is 12 with a concerned mother, she's not about to let her 12 year old go clubbing.

There's a difference between letting your kid be themselves and being irresponsible.

Sorry if I'm reading your comment wrong, and you mean no disrespect to OP, but don't assume someone doesn't have common sense.

 

i meant no disrespect ,yknow kids do go to other friends houses to do this? i was 12 as well i saw it nd never went bc it was dangerous.thats why im telling her

 

That's a great idea. Did you also talk to her about roofies and the like as well? I mean, that's such a huge issue. Just because she isn't drinking alcohol doesn't mean she couldn't be roofied. I'd just occasionally have a talk with her about some good habits whenever she's out at a party or club like situation, and then reinforce it later when she is actually heading out. Some good tips:

1. Always fix or get your own drinks if possible, and if not watch anyone who makes it for you closely. Never accept a drink from someone else - even someone you trust, as you usually can't be certain how they came to get it.

2. If you sit your drink down, and it's possible someone else could have come into contact with it - discard it, even if it's still mostly full. A good habit is to avoid sitting it down entirely, and when you aren't drinking out of it, to casually cover the top with your palm. That way you can enjoy yourself with your attention being diverted, knowing that no one can slip anything inside.

3. In a similar vein, avoid open containers like punch bowls or pitchers. Opt for something canned or bottled that has been sealed.

4. Avoid sharing. Someone might encourage her to taste the drink they're having to see if she likes it, for example. It's best to avoid that because you can't be certain that the other person has been as vigilant.

5. Strive to notice unusual flavors. This can be hard if she's never tasted the drink in question before, but she can still use some common sense for example if it smells strange, looks strange, and tastes strange in a way that she wouldn't normally expect (Example: "Why does this taste salty when no salt was added?") then it's best to avoid the drink.

6. Drink responsibly, and don't get hammered out of your head. The more you drink the more your judgment becomes impaired. Even if you drink more slowly vs chugging or taking shots, you should start to become aware of symptoms if your drink was altered. ("I've only had a little bit, and I'm starting to feel strange. There is no way I could be drunk.")

7. Go to parties and similar situations with people you trust, preferably in a group. Even if something starts to happen to you, if you're with others that you trust and they are also being vigilant, the odds are good that someone will notice something is up. Looking out for one another is a good way to thwart someone attempting to use a date rape drug.

Just some advice I thought I'd pass along.

 

On the main topic, there's absolutely nothing wrong with girls watching porn, but 12 years old is a bit young to do it that excessively. If she is watching it, make sure you talk to her about sex in a realistic manner and how to differentiate between real sex vs porn. A good sex ed is talk is good for her age.

I don't know if gay/bi girls have a higher sex drive than straight girls....I'm gay and my straight female friends are equal in terms of sex drive as such. I'm actually less visual than my straight friends. It depends on the person.

She may just be exploring and figuring out her sexuality too. She could be gay, but she could also be bi- or even straight. I didn't know my sexuality for quite a while (Not saying young ages don't know- depends).

 

I have to admit that I'm speechless. =/

She called someone "hot" at age 5? Where did she hear such language often enough to be able to use it in context? And at age 12, when other girls are preoccupied by lip gloss colors, pink leggings, and watching The Disney Channel, she's watching porn?!

I really think you should be seriously concerned about this, she's not behaving in ways that are typical for a child her age. Crushes are fine, being concerned about sex is not. Being curious about the human body is fine, watching porn is not. Porn is increasingly pointed out as being dangerous to people's minds (Chip and others have written very eloquent posts about this in other threads). It is addictive, and has a perverse effect on people's perception of sex, and studies are now exploring its effect on how people's brains are wired to respond to sexual stimuli. Even if the research is still in its infancy and nothing is definitive yet, your 12-year-old shouldn't be a guinea pig. And don't encourage it by viewing it with her under the guise of teaching her that it's unrealistic, or whatever (because no matter how noble your intentions, if you watch it with her, she'll interpret it as getting your approval). Instead, I'd recommend a good filter and placing the family computer in a very public space.

You also mentioned that she's sharing inappropriate pictures with another young girl. What if the other girl's mom finds out about this? Honestly, if it were my daughter who received such pictures from another child, I'd make sure to entirely forbid the friendship from continuing, and would talk to you, her teacher or whoever else should know. Even if to you this may not seem horrible, I assure you that other parents are going to highly resent you for letting her introduce their kids to things no 12-year-old needs to see.

There's nothing wrong with her exploring her feelings towards either boys or girls---in an age-appropriate way. Which typically means giggling like crazy when her crush walks by, gossiping to you or her friends about crushes, etc.

Aside from removing access to pornography, why don't you keep her busy with other things, especially things that teach her self-discipline? Taking up music lessons and practicing daily, joining the Army/Air/Sea Cadets (I've heard they are especially good at building self-discipline and team spirit), swim team, Scouts, etc.

I think you should talk to someone who has experience with such issues to get some advice on how to move forward. I get the feeling that she's been a little too free to engage in inappropriate behavior for a while, and now you need to tighten the reigns quickly before things go really haywire and something bad happens. She's really going down a dangerous path, based on what she does online. She's only 12, but what she's doing is only a step away from showing off her own body online, etc. You really don't want that to happen when she turns 14.

I'm not trying to be overly alarmist here, but this is really alarming to me. Please do something ASAP before it's too late and you can't control the situation anymore. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

Apostrophied, 12 and 13 are completely normal ages to start watching porn. That's when I started watching it and I was less interested in sex than all my peers at that age.

Being shocked that a kid starting puberty is interested in sex and started watching porn means you're going to be shocked by a lot.

 

Well, then I guess I will be shocked... =/

IMO, children that age are watching it because they are given access to the internet and their parents don't check what they're doing with it. Before the internet, porn was far less available, and I seriously doubt our parents were watching it in large numbers at those ages. In today's society, sex is left, right, and center, so it's really affecting kids. It's not because it's everywhere that it's safe and good for them and we should let them get involved in it.

Porn can be very addictive, much like other things that we would never dream of letting kids touch. Why do we dismiss it as no big deal, then?

Idk, just my opinion. OP can make out of it what she wants. I definitely wish her best of luck in dealing with this.

 

You can't really check what kids are doing on the net. They can just private browse to stop their history appearing, and filters are incredibly easy to get around.

Your best option is educating them on the sex that porn portrays as not being realistic.

 

So I was eventually going to chime in saying what an awesome mom this person was, and I would elaborate now accept I'm basically about to fall completely asleep.

Anyways, my sister and I would discuss how "cute" or "hot" (though certainly without thinking about "hot" in a sexual context - just a word) male celebrities were around the age given... Our family is a little bit eccentric but I don't think we fall extremely far from the norm.

And porn... obviously boys very normally get involved at that age. Girls probably more so over time. The negativity of it can be debated, but it's certainly not atypical.