1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  1. tamtamfx4

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    My son is 24 and just told me he is gay. I am so confused. I am not ready to start asking him questions yet. I want to understand. He had 4 at least a year long relationship with girls. Then all of a sudden he had no girlfriends at about 20. He had a group of friends that he always hung out with and seemed happy. He moved out a few weeks ago to be closer to his job and then he sprung it on me. I cried for 4 hours uncontrollable. I am just so mixed up. Why, how does it happen. I love him and will support him no matter what. I just want to understand?
     
  2. Ravi-VIXX777

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Gender:
    Male
    First off, you seem like a good parent to attempt to ask this community for advice and for supporting him.

    It's a good idea to ask questions, nothing too weird though. Perhaps plan a time for the two of you to talk. Just think, your son must really trust you know that he told you.

    My guess on the past girlfriends was a coverup. It happens often to hide ones sexuality.
     
  3. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Just remember that he knows himself better than anyone else. You might be confused since he's had long term relationships with girls. He may actually have been in denial himself and really thought he was in love with those girls, which is why he stopped at age 20. Most research has shown that sexuality is fixed early and has some genetic components, so it's likely he's just now getting comfortable enough to tell you.
     
  4. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey welcome to EC.
    The thing with sexuality is it can take us a long time to accept it ourselves. A lot of gay people have dated the opposite sex and this can be for a couple of different reasons.
    Sometimes it can take us a while to work out that we are gay, society leads to you assume you are straight and often even though that doesn't feel right it takes us a while to figure out why. The other problem is that even if we do figure it out, we don't like what we found. Working out that you are gay is one step, accepting you are gay is a different step and getting to a place where you can tell other people is another. For some people these steps are really close together and for others they can take years.
    Telling the people closest to you can sometimes be the hardest, the closer you are to someone the greater the fear you might loose them. You might say, 'but my son knows I'm not homophobic and would love him anyway' but the mind is a powerful thing and can dream up all manner of terrifying worst case scenarios of what might happen. I for example didn't figure out I was gay until my mid twenties and was absolutely petrified of telling my parents, even though deep down I knew they would care, they are very accepting and my dad has a gay brother who is fully accepted with his long term partner into the family. My mind still worked overdrive to persuade me that it might not be like this. I think the other reason my parents were so hard to tell is because I had an overwhelming feeling that by being gay I was letting them down, I was a disappointment and whilst I am out to them now this was a hard one to shift.

    I think the fact your son came out not long after he had moved out is probably significant. It gave him that space to feel safe so when he told you if you weren't accepting he wasn't relying on you for a roof over his head etc. the girlfriends may have been a cover up or perhaps he hadn't realised or accepted he was gay.

    It's ok to cry, you are morning for the son you thought was straight (I know that sounds strange) even though you still have the same son and you don't love him any less. It's a shock to you and will just take while to get used to.

    If you have any questions please just ask.

    Your son is very lucky to have a mother like you.
     
  5. Aldrick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    Hey, tamtamfx4 welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    It's normal for gay people to have had opposite sex relationships. Part of the reason for those relationships, is because there is a period of coming to terms with being gay, and another major part is because that's what is expected. It's part of living in the closet, and pretending to be straight. Don't be confused by his past relationships. Telling your parents that you're gay, especially at 24, isn't something that you just do randomly. He's without a doubt spent a lot of time working things out on his own, and so there is no reason not to accept that he's gay at face value.

    It's also normal to feel the way that you do. When someone realizes that they're gay, or when we realize someone we love is gay there is a grieving process involved. It almost feels like you've lost someone you love, even though that seems ridiculous at first glance. We generally pass through five stages where we begin with denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. This is the normal process we go through when we're grieving.

    Why do we grieve? When you think about it, it kind seems strange. It's not as if he told you that he has cancer, or some other horrible life threatening thing. He was just honest about the way that he felt, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't actually change who he is as a person. He just likes guys instead of girls.

    However, the grief is real and it comes from the loss of the straight identity that was built up around him. From the moment we draw our first independent breath, and we're placed in our mothers arms a dream and a vision of our future begins to form in the minds of everyone who knows us. This is true for everyone. If you're assigned a male gender at birth, the family dreams of marriage, a daughter / sister-in-law, grandchildren / nieces or nephews, his first kiss with a girl, and a whole plethora of other dreams about what his future will be like. As a gay kid grows up, those dreams and expectations are shared with him (directly an indirectly), and they become part of his identity.

    When you start to realize that you're gay, some of these dreams and beliefs about your future crumble. They simply aren't realistic, at least if you want to live an honest life. This is part of the struggle with coming to terms with being gay - accepting that you aren't straight. This usually takes most people some time, in many cases it takes years. In the end, ultimately, or should I say - ideally - we reach a point of acceptance of who we really are.

    Unfortunately, when we come out those closest to us - primarily our family, and in particular our parents - frequently go through the same process. All of the dreams that they had, the future they envisioned, it feels like it's crumbling all around them, and to a degree they are right. The future that you envisioned for your son isn't going to happen the way you envisioned it. However, what ultimately happens is that you develop new dreams and expectations for what his future will be like, and this replaces the old stuff - the false stuff.

    So, I can tell you with certainty tamtamfx4, that while things feel hard now I've seen many parents go through what you're going through right now. Ultimately, you will reach a point where you start envisioning a life for your son that is in line with who he really is, and you'll be glad that he has come out. You'll know deep down in your bones that he did the right thing, and the only sadness that you will feel is that he didn't feel that he could have come out sooner.

    You're a good mother. We both know that you want your son to be happy, and his being honest with you is a major step in that direction. His honesty with you is going to help him become honest with the rest of the world.
     
  6. AmiBee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2013
    Messages:
    265
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Massachusetts,USA
    I second everything that Aldrick just said. You sound like a good mom tamtam. Contacting PFLAG may help you get the support that you need. Just search the PFLAG Canada website to see what resources are a available in your area.
     
  7. Clay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2014
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    Also don't be afraid to ask him questions. It might seem weird, but when someone comes out to you they want you to ask questions. If you look around here you'll see that most people eventually get upset if their family never brings it up again, if they avoid the "elephant in the room".

    You said you're confused and you want to understand, but you're not ready to start asking him questions yet, but if you want to understand and support him then you'll have to ask questions eventually. It'll also make him feel better that you're addressing it, rather than avoiding mentioning this major part of his life.
     
  8. tamtamfx4

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Thank you everyone for your advise and kind words. I understand a little more based on your replies. Oddly enough my husband keeps saying - he is happy and that is all the matters. Perhaps its different for me being his Mom. There is a local PFLAG chapter one town over and I will most likely contact them for further support.
     
  9. AmiBee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2013
    Messages:
    265
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Massachusetts,USA
    Sounds like a good plan. Best of luck to you and your son.
     
  10. Aldrick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    That's a fantastic idea tamtamfx4. Just being able to meet other parents who have gone through what you're going through right now will help so much. It'll also be a great way to build new friendships with people who understand you and your family. One of the biggest issues is the feeling that you are kinda out there on an island alone, trying to figure out everything yourself. It's easier when you have other people to lean on. That's one of the reasons this forum exists, but it can never really replace face-to-face support.